THE DIGITISER FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

We have t-shirts and stickers and mugs and shower curtains available to buy! Not just ones based upon classic Digitiser and Digitiser The Show, but Mr Biffo's Found Footage and going all the way back to Biffovision...!

I'd love to say that all proceeds will be ploughed back into all things Digitiser, but we make next to nothing from from Redbubble, and I blew what we had made already on buying a bunch of stuff for myself - what can I say? I love my own designs! Is that weird? I dunno. 

Anyway. Click the image above and buy some stuff, even if it's just a sticker. Treat yo'self. Or just treat me. It's my birthday on Monday.

Letters when? Letters now!

If you'd like to appear here, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone, or you've got a picture of a bin you wish to share, please send your filthy emails to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com​​​​​​​​​​

LINDSAY'S LABOURS LOST
What can I say that I've not gone on and on about over Twitter since Saturday?

Having been a Found Footage backer and a recent Patron of yours I was excited to see that you were planning Digitiser live!

My fiancée also knew I was looking forward to it and she loving bought two tickets to see Digitiser live as a present.. she had not seen much Digitiser content at the time, nor up to the point of the event. So she was in for a surprise.

Needless to say, she had a blast! During the sing along of Octav1us' song, she started waving her arms side to side in the air, encouraging me to do the same. She was thrilled to find out (just this morning) that we were indeed spotted in the crowd!

Of course, you are already aware, during a technical hitch immediately following the David Braben song, I couldn't help but break the silence with an impromptu encore. For a few seconds I thought I'd be on my own with it making a complete plank of myself, but then the noise came. Everyone joined in! That's when I realised.. I had found like-minded individuals, who were also complete planks. Mahogany planks at that!

The only part I wish I could've changed is to spend more time conversing with others. Apart from a 10 minute chat with Gannon at Chunky Fringe, there were so many others I could have chatted with - but me being me, I got a bit worried that some people would be a bit cliquey - oh if only I had a chance to chat after the event... by that point I realised I'd have been fine!

Lastly, you probably wouldn't remember but I spotted you whilst you were trolleying set pieces down the corridor before the show. But as I was loitering outside the toilets (I was waiting for my fiancee who was using the facilities), I thought it was best not to say a lot and we managed to exchange a quick "alright". You were clearly busy and I clearly had the presence of some form of toilet lurker.

Thank you, Biffo. To you, the team, everyone backstage and the rest of the audience - all of whom I hope to properly meet one day! Here's to the next Live Show, fingers (with tiny plastic hands on) crossed!

Thanks again,
John Lindsay​

Look, I know many of you are probably sick of hearing about Digitiser Live, but somehow John's letter didn't make it into last week's Letters Page, so it's here now instead.

And in case anyone is wondering, it took me a full 10 days to recover from the show. Probably not the show itself, but the socialising afterwards. I'm the best sort of 'vert - an introvert! 

DVD CLINIC
Bonjour Monsieur Beeffo!

I was just wondering if you’ll make the DVD of Digitiser: The Show available to buy for us cheapos who didn’t pay enough on your Kickstarter? 
Dominic

Possibly. Frankly, at the minute... all I can think about is some sort of holiday. Now that the live show is out of the way, we'll start working on the DVD properly in September, and update you all accordingly. 

CHRONOS THE DESTROYER
Do you always answer your letters in the order they arrive, or do you sometimes switch it up a bit?
Cow Areola, 34

PS. I sent this way too early on Tuesday morning.

I dunno to be honest. My wife puts them in, and she's gone out for a jog, so I can't ask her what order she puts them in. I suspect it is somewhat chronological, though...

Oh... hang on. She's back from the jog. Apparently, it didn't go well, and she's not yet recovered from Digitiser Live, despite feeling better yesterday.

500 Qs OF WHYTE
406) What in your opinion is the best 2D platform game, which is the best 3D platform game and which of the two do you prefer?

407) What styles of games, if any do you feel have peaked? Perhaps better games in those styles are possible, but have been/felt stagnant for some time.

408) It seems to be all quiet on the Star Citizen front; is it becoming more scam-like by the month?

409) It's easy to bemoan post-release updates as being the result of rushed development, but they have resulted in some games that otherwise would have ended their days broken improving or adding new modes. What game has been improved the most by post-release (non-DLC) updates?

410) Which characters best defined each decade of computer games from the 1980s to now?
John Whyte

406) Best 2D: Yoshi's Island. Best 3D: I'm tempted to say Super Mario 3D World, because it's the best implementation of the 2D Mario gameplay in a sort-of-3D way. But it's more 2.5D, kind of, than full 3D. So, I'm going to be controversial and say the original Mirror's Edge, just for how much I enjoyed it.

407) Oddly, I think it might be traditional platform games. It's hard to know what more could be introduced that'd freshen them up again, and it's telling that so many indie platform games reach for the nostalgia button.

408) I'm not really up to speed on the Star Citizen thing. As somebody who has taken on big, crowdfunded, projects I err on the side of it just taking way longer than they expected, but - nonetheless - I do get why, after seven years, people are impatient.

Though, let's face it, it'll never live up to any sort of hype after all that time.

I think we have to again separate crowdfunding from buying a product; it's always a degree of risk for backers, and this needs to be kept in mind. It's a leap into the unknown for everyone. You're paying for somebody to embark upon a creative process, and anybody who has done creative stuff knows that it's never a linear, predictable, journey. 

409) I guess it'd be No Man's Sky, from what I gather, though I admit I haven't played it since the original release. Which, in all honesty, I enjoyed a lot. I appreciated - no pun intended - the feeling of space. I found it relaxing, I liked the chilled pace, and emptiness.

410) 80s: Pac-Man, 90s: Lara Croft, 00s: Master Chief, 2010s: a Minecraft Creeper.

VORE BLIMEY!
Thanks for introducing us to the bizarre world of vore. It's unusual that so many have taken to drawing Sonic and co. in these situations, as traditionally Nintendo have been the ones to encourage it. Yoshi eating things and crapping out eggs, Kirby's famous ability to obtain special powers by digesting something, and even several dungeons in Zelda.

I’ve done you a picture from a deleted scene, that may or may not have existed, of 1980’s kids telly favourite, Bertha.  I did ask Mr.J (the wife) to do a better version as he’s much more artistically inclined than I, but he sadly refused.
Mr.S

For the uninitiated, there was a bit of a Sonic vore thing going on at Digitiser Live. Voraphilia being a unusual fetish in which people fantasise about being consumed. For some reason it's particularly popular with Sonic the Hedgehog fans. For some other reason, I thought this was suitable to include in a live entertainment show.

BREAK: FAST
Well look at me writing another letter. You really must of had some impact on me! I promise I’ll keep it much more brief this week as I know you’ve a lot still going on.

It was lovely reading all the letters last week from so many people who had a similarly great time at Digitiser Live. Reading their stories brought forth more memories of what actually happened that night. Also I was glad to read I wasn’t the only troglodyte who tried to pay with cash on a London bus! 

Still reeling from the aftermath of Digi Live and the content from the YouTube Minis, is it possible to overdose on Digi goodness? Anyway, just another quick thanks for all that you’re doing. Your content is unlike anything out there and I look forward to each video and article, they are truly a highlight of the week.

Thanks again,
Craig

P.S. Make sure to take that break soon.

That break is coming, don't you worry. Though, troublingly, I woke up yesterday feeling completely recovered from recent exhaustion... and I have to remind myself not to immediately plough into the next thing, because I'm probably not really recovered. Just ask my jogging wife!

Doesn't stop my mind churning with ideas, though... Oh, we have some big ideas...

PRIEST OF CONSEQUENCES
Mr Biffo.

Women Priests. Discuss.
Jon Clay, Taunton, Somerset

Like men priests... only female.

GAMING MILL'S LETTER
You know, I can still remember the very first sweets given to me by my grandfather. They were Werther's Original and I was four. I had a bit of trouble opening that shiny, golden wrapper but then, well, I'll never forget that first taste; sweet and creamy and uncommonly good!

I remember feeling I must be someone very special when my granddad gave me his wonderful butter candy. Well, now I'm the granddad and what else would I give my grandson but my Werther's Original, after all, he's someone very special too, you know.

Actually, that was all just a lie. I distinctly remember the first time I tried a Werther's Original and I was about 19 or something and a girl at uni offered me one. It wasn't even in a golden wrapper but in a plastic bag of them, all loose.

I had meant to buy a bag for myself to try one but pennies were tight then and the cheap bars needed my spare change so I jumped at the chance. JESUS! I thought they were going to be toffees or fudge-like; it was like chomping onto a marble! I've eaten softer aniseed balls.

It later transpired that the girl in question (who shall remain nameless) used this as some way of introducing herself because she had taken quite a fancy to me when she saw me playing guitar on stage once. I don't know what she saw in a skinny, long haired buffoon but I didn't pick up on her advances, even though I'd often chat to her.

One good thing did come out of this though - Kate revealed that she had an identical twin sister who was at the same university.

​When she told me this I told my friend Joseph about it as it put our minds at ease because we could never work out how, when she was walking in the opposite direction on campus she'd appear at the other end walking towards us. We did actually think we were in some sort of time dilation loop or something... but that might have been from watching too much Star Trek. Obviously not the original series because we should have realised our theories where "Illogical".

I am fit and strong and that is all.
Gaming Mill.

PS. If anyone hasn't tried Werther's Original before, it's just rock hard butterscotch, so save your money and buy a cheaper alternative.

The only sweets I remember my granddad eating were pontefract cakes. I've just looked them up on Wikipedia, and sometimes they're called "pomfrey cakes", which has amused me no end.

"Pomfrey Cake" sounds like a character from Game of Thrones!

I've never watched Game of Thrones.

"Oh, ​Pomfrey!!! What are you doing with that dragon, Pomfrey?!? Where are your trousers, Pomfrey?!?"

CRACKSHAFT
Hello.
 
You are old and remember the old days.
 
Remember when Atari joysticks cracked at the base of the shaft?
 
That’s all I’ve got.
Lino Raffa

Not really. The only thing I take away from your letter is the phrase "cracked at the base of the shaft"...

By the way: everyone follow Lino on Twitter. He's funny.

TLC
With GTA V dropping in price a while back, and now with the recent new DLC, does anyone think we may eventually see this be given for free on a future Games With Gold Month?

I ask this because it would be a perfect way to get non GTA fans into GTA V, and for people who aren't aware of GTA to be able to own and experience GTA V. Considering Rockstar wants as many people possible to be buying their next future GTA game, this I feel would be a great move by Microsoft And Rockstar and would also encourage some people who do not have Xbox Live to consider going gold.

The amount of free DLC with GTA V online is huge, and having this be given for free in a future games with gold month would help people who aren't fans of GTA V to become fans of this game. GTA V was created in 2013 and considering it's been 6 years surely it could be given for free on a Games With Gold Month.
gamertag (gaz be rotten)

Yes, maybe. Dunno. Why do you care so much, Gaz? I don't.

MR TEA
In the latest Q&A you said about how I always asked questions - is it a bad thing that you'd like me to stop doing, or were you joking? I thought I should clarify as I was unsure!

Also: I just spent a day at Sam's home and several days at Nikki and Bunty's home. All three are extremely cool. I met them all because of Digi. Thank you for enabling me to meet three of the best people in my life!

Love,
Chai (@teacupofchai)

Chai, Chai, Chai... that was us being banter-y, and you must not take at face value any of what we say. Ever. Ever ever. We would never want you to stop sending questions, or being such an all-round, lovely, and enthusiastic, supporter of Digi. We just take the piss because we find it hard to express our real feelings.

​Look how awful Gannon and I appear to be to one another...!

SILLY BILLY
I have a problem... My friend Billy says the Super Nintendo is better than the Mega Drive, but he won’t say why or how it’s better. I think he says it’s better because he has a Super Nintendo instead of a Mega Drive and he’s just jealous. He’s always pulling it out and playing with it, too. His Mum says he plays with it so much he might go blind.

Please can you tell Billy that he’s wrong and Mega Drives are better, so he’ll stop playing with it all the time?
Zoë

Billy isn't wrong. The SNES is better. Also, is he the same Billy from the song?

​You know:

My friend Billy had a ten foot willy.
And he showed it to the girl next door.
She thought it was a snake,
And hit it with a rake,
And now it's only four foot four.

Where does that come from? How does something like that spread across the whole country? I mean, we were singing that at school back in the 70s, and I'm presuming it was never on telly or the radio. 

See also:

In 1976,
The Queen pulled down her knicks.
She licked her bum,
And said "yum yum...
"It's better than Weetabix!"

HER HEAD IS SPINNING!
Dear Mr Biffo,
Are the rumours true of a new Dizzy and the Eggfolk adventure heading to the Nintendo Switch? 

Our main boxing glove wearing egg emerging from the 3D Castle's Dungeon (after first placating a ravenous rat with stale bread) only to bounce off the snap happy gator's closed jaws into vast landscapes; rolling across Hyrule in search of the other eggfolk, Dylan, Grandpa, Daisy, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub. 

Or was that another of those Dairylea-triangle-fuelled dreams?

Yours,
Geeky Girl
@1waytofindout​

I don't know! I'm not all connected to the industry like I used to be. Well, I'm friends with the Oliver Twins on Facebook, for some reason, so I suppose I could ask them. But I'm too scared!!!! 

EGGEATER
I get very uncomfortable when anthropomorphised animals eat their kind as health power ups in video games, such as the roast chicken (or is it duck?) in Quackshot on the Megadrive or the pork on the pizza in Huxley Pig on the Spectrum. The programmers clearly don’t suffer from existentialist angst like me, and probably very innocently put it in without thinking. OR DID THEY?

What’s the most accidentally unsettling thing you’ve ever seen in a video game?
J Is Manchild, Tunbridge Wells

I dunno if it was accidental, but it was something that disturbed me more than was probably intended. And it was in Alone in the Dark 2, and I mention it in this Sunday's Digitiser Mini...

CLIVE ALIVE-OH!
Now. I sent this short story I wrote about a month before Digitiser Live and you said you stopped listening halfway in case the Sir Clive skit you did during the show copied any of my ideas.

Now since the show has had its triumphant matinee, I send my story again in the hope you'll finally listen to it in full and tell me what you think.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKyZRYFc7s0&t=8s

As I said last time, it was written in 2013 when I was 18 and read when I found it again a few years after. I will also like to reassure Biffo that if he thinks it's shit, he can tell me straight up. It's just a laugh after all.

Best wishes
Stuart

Definitely, 100%, listened to it all this time, Stuart.

GHOSTWRITER IN THE SKY
Have you ever ghost written for anyone or asked to do some script doctoring for anything major you weren't credited for?

As your profile is increasing exponentially do you have any plans to reprint Confessions of a Chatroom Freak? I've thought about getting a second hand copy but thought I'd hold on just incase.

Finally, are there any YouTube channels that you are a big fan of that aren't part of the Digitiser Multiverse?
Stu (36, Birmingham)

I have sort of done a bit of script doctoring. Being lead writer on things, you do sort of do a fair but of that, because inevitably scripts get to a point where you can't keep going back to a writer, and it's just quicker, and easier, and cheaper to do it in-house (even though I'm not in-house, but on at least one of my shows I'm paid a lead writer fee).

I also was brought in to heavily rewrite an episode of, I think, My Parents Are Aliens, and I think I was uncredited. Or was it Sooty? I dunno.

And get this: after I shopped my monster hunting travel book around a decade or so ago (long story short: got offered a deal... at the same time as my first co-created kid's TV series was commissioned, so I turned the former down), I was asked if I wanted to ghostwrite a travel book by Karl Pilkington. I did... but then Karl Pilkington decided he could write it himself.

My career could've been very different.

I'd love to reprint Chatroom Freak - in some respects, I think it's more relevant now than it was then, even though it does make me cringe somewhat - but I no longer have the proofs of it. Which is a shame.

There are lots of YouTube channels I like. I probably watch more YouTube than TV: Abroad in Japan, Crazy Russian Hacker, The Tim Tracker, The Daily Woo, Adam Savage's Tested, ... none of the ones I watch are anything like Digi. Except for Redlettermedia, sort of. And, of course, I watch the usual retro gaming YT suspects.

​We do want to do some collabs, as the youth calls them, with other YouTubers. Part of our plan for the autumn is to reach out to some big names. In fact, we might already have a couple lined up...

​AARDVARK
Working for TVARK, I tend to get lost when looking up old TV shows for when TVARK comes back online - #shamelessplug - but I've recently got lost down a rabbit hole, looking up how many TV shows were turned into computer games, British TV shows at that. But, one of the most random ones I've come across is Bob's Full House.

For those who don't remember, Bob's Full House was hosted by Bob Monkhouse, and it ran between 1984 and 1990 on Saturday nights on BBC 1. Basically, it was bingo on TV, but Domark gave the show it's own game in 1988. The first screen has this mock up of Bob himself...

That face! But, they make it move, look at it 39 seconds in here!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_xoyxwgc8s 

That's nightmarish, but it's fascinating that a random British game show like that got it's own game, and not just on the Speccy, but on the Amstrad CPC, BBC Micro and Commodore 64. It's a shame other great British game shows like Catchphrase or 3-2-1 or Crosswits never got the 80's game console treatment, (then again, it's not too late).

Do you have a favourite British game to old console game? Plus, is it something that could be explored on a future Digitiser episode?

Thank you, and keep up the good work!
Stuart Kenny

Bob Monkhouse always seemed like a nice man, albeit wrapped beneath a very specific sort of showbiz persona that you don't get these days. 

Anyway, yeah... the mix of classic gameshows with video games is a perfect sort of confluence of Digi co-host interests, so I reckon that could be something we touch upon. Expect any discussion to last about five seconds before we start talking about poo and nobs.

MORE 500 Qs OF WHYTE
411) To what extent do you think that changes in society, primarily 'Western,' have had on games in general and the types of games that are currently popular?

412) What are your top 5 games to appear on a PlayStation console?

413) Is the Nintendo Switch losing its best feature, local multiplayer, with the release of the Lite version. Obviously the 'Pro' will still have the JoyCons but it seems to me that this makes the Switch just another handheld.

414) In terms of the current console generation, could it be argued that the single biggest influence on games is The Last of Us?

415) Is Sony underrated as a publisher/developer? They have never created a truly iconic character but, in my opinion, they take more creative risks than anyone else and have a healthy proportion of new IPs in their catalogue. 
John

Two letters again, John? You're desperate to finish this challenge you've set yourself.

411) You only have to look at the games which are most popular in the west to see that. I don't get the sense that games developed outside of Japan, for a non-Japanese audience, have ever really had much effect on Japanese games.

​I mean, look at Nintendo's output for a start; they just do their own thing, and it seems to be influenced by what they've done before, rather than what others have produced. I think Japanese game design has been far more influential.

412) Oh jeez. That's tough, because for so long now most big games have been multiformat. I'll try to pick PlayStation exclusives. So... Infamous, Jak 3, God of War 2, The Last of Us, Uncharted 2. A lot of Naughty Dog in there...

413) I dunno. I only ever used the local multiplayer a few times, and the novelty sort of wore off, because I tend to prefer my gaming solo. I get it's a nice gimmick, but it feels less baked into the success of the system than the Wiimotes did. For me, the real USP of the Switch is having a properly powerful handheld.

414) I don't think so. I mean, you could argue that The Last of Us influenced, say, Days Gone, but Days Gone is open world, and its story is a pale imitation of The Last of Us. I don't see much beyond that really, because the true innovation there was that it was a video game that actually made me care about the characters. Which none others since have managed to do.

415) I agree that Sony have taken risks, and released some quirky games, but a lot of those experiments fly under the radar. It probably deserves more credit than it gets, but when I think of Sony-developed games I just think of Little Big Planet. And I always found that a bit boring. 

H OR G?
Dear Paul,

Who is a better to work with, Mr Hairs or Paul Gannon?

Also, I like Hippos. What is your favourite water based mammal?
Lee

Neither is better than the other. Gannon and Hairs are very, very different people. Both sort of eccentric and idiosyncratic in their own way, but both capable of "gilding my lily". Tim has a much more laid-back energy, and Gannon is more of a rollercoaster (and sometimes I throw up after riding it). 

They're equally important to two very different eras of Digi. Gannon brings out the performer in me, and Hairs brought out the writer. They've both acted as my training wheels, in a way, and I am indebted to both.

Also: dugong.

SWAP SHOP
​Hi. The Ferret here.

My question is - if you cunnyfunts could bodyswap another one of your team (or extended Digitiser family) for a day who would it be and why?

Regards
The Ferret

My wife, natch. Or Quang. Who is awesome, and he can do breakdancing. I can barely put my socks on these days without breaking my sternum.

MORNING WOOD
Yes, it's me again, testing your letters page deadline and quality levels. Apparently, Friday mornings are my most creative, and I've already mentally written this letter and something I need to do for work next week.

Of course, as they originally flowed from my brain they were far more witty and intelligent than what I'll end up with, as I'm just going to try and type all this, and will inevitably come up against a mental block where I know I came to some sort of brilliant conclusion, but have completely forgotten what it was.

Perhaps as an experiment, you could try reading my letter, then try to recite it from memory. If my theory is correct, this process will recreate everything I lost in the memory-to-email process, and will make this a far more pleasurable experience. 

Anyway, I was trying to work out exactly how I ended up at Digitiser Live (other than by car - no, that bit was always that bad). I certainly read Digitiser a lot, but couldn't put a time frame on it. I don't remember the final episode, the real Turner the Worm, or whatever the replacement was called, so I guess I'd jumped ship to getting my information from this thing called the internet by this point. 

Digitiser then completely slipped from my memory until someone posted a link to the trailer for the show, and I found it hilarious (ironically I don't recall enjoying much of the Digitiser humour at the time, although I was an Amiga owner, so that probably didn't help).

My girlfriend did look at me like she didn't know who I was anymore, so the prospect of bringing her to a future live show in the hope of converting her is pretty slim. 

Someone on Twitter described it as the Top Gear of gaming, and I think they were spot on (assuming they're not talking about the current incarnation, as I've not seen it); it's just a group of people talking about a subject they love and having fun.

Well, except Gannon who looks like he's questioning his life choices almost all the time. Oh, and Jenny, who I guess wasn't having fun. And Larry, who was probably having fun when he wasn't constantly retching. And Octav1us, who occasionally looked terrified. But you, Biffo - you looked like you were having fun, so I guess that makes you the Jeremy Clarkson of Digitiser. Sorry about that. 

I'm now rambling and have put all my mental effort into what I've got so far, so have completely forgotten anything after this point (as well as the stuff I'd done for work, so thanks for that), so I'll just say I'm really glad I did make it to Digi Live. I having started to inject myself a little bit into the community on Twitter. You're clearly all lovely people, so I'm looking forward to the next one, if/when it happens.
Alan

Well, that's all rather nice. Do inject yourself into that community, because it's one of the best things Digitiser has going for it. It's not cliquey or nasty, or unwelcoming. Just lots of kind, friendly, supportive, people. 

As for the Top Gear of gaming. Yeah... we know. And if the plans work out, we might take that comparison a little bit further when it comes to Series 2 of Digitiser The Show...