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the digitiser friday letters page

1/6/2018

19 Comments

 
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"I'm getting married in the moor-ooo-orr-ning! King Dong, my balls are gonna shiiiiiine!"

Sorry that this week's Digi has been slightly on the bitty side. This is a consequence of one fact and one fact alone: I'm literally getting married in the morning (technically afternoon... although that fact is also dependent on whether you're reading this on Friday). Even though we've made the entire nonsense as simple and low-key as possible, I've had the soon-to-be-in-laws staying, and... well... you know. 

But anyway!

We had some letters, so I thought I'd spew out a Friday Letters Page regardless. Normal service shall be resumed next week, as we're not having a honeymoon any time soon, because there's Too Much To Do.

Indeed, once this weekend is out of the way, the missus and I will be moving full-speed into putting Digitiser The Show together. We do our first filming on June 15th - when several classic Digitiser characters will be brought to horrible life - with the full studio session currently scheduled for the first week of July. Filming will then continue on-and-off between now and the autumn.

​And that is that. On with those sweeeeeeeeeet letters!


If you'd like to appear here, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone, please send your filthy emails to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
THAT'S TYPICAL
Here's my typical week right now...

Tuesday a.m. - "Oh, that random thought is both pretty relevant AND irreverent, it'd make a great letter to Digi. I'll bash off an electromail after work."

Tuesday p.m. - Switch on computer, browse interwebs, order ANOTHER set of screwdrivers. Wonder where the screwdrivers go.

Wednesday a.m - "Godsdammit! That Digi letter..."

Thursday p.m. - "Last call for Digi letters? I had a good idea...now...ooooooh, those screwdrivers ought to be here by now."

Friday - "Oh, man, Digi Mailbox day."

Saturday - "YES! Those screwdrivers have arrived!"


Just, you know, I'm getting my excuses in early. In case you take some time off, what with getting married and all.

I hope that goes well for you. Well, you know, forever, as well as on "The Big Day".
​
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got screws that won't screw themselves. Oh...buggering flipsnakes, where ARE the screwdrivers?
Lummox60N
I did like to think that my Wednesday call for letters helps people mark out their week, so this has rather made my day. Hope you like those screwdrivers, guy.

Press reveal to see if top DIY guy Hank McHonk has any cool screwdriver tips for you.
REVEAL:
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WED, DING!
Dear Biffo and Mrs. Biffo. Congratulations and good luck for your wedding day. There is a wedding in Dark Souls 3, did you know? It’s one of those obscure “if you do thing A, then seemingly unrelated thing B, then option C becomes available, and then marriage” type things that are so common to the series. It’s not a happy occasion however; there is sacrifice and organ rending.

​Hopefully there is less of that on your special day and more cake and disco. Hearty congratulations.  
​
What do you think about the Dark Souls Remaster? It’s disconcerting to see it play so smoothly and without all the jank of the original, but does it lose some of its off-kilter appeal? The game is utterly transformed by having so many fellows to co-op with, compared to the barren online wastes of a recent PS3 play through, yet I tend to lone wolf most of it, except for the pad-hurlingly punishing bits, which are beginning to come thick and fast. Grats again, dear beans.
Eemus
Ta, Eemus! We shall indeed be eating cake, but we're actually not bothering with a disco. We'd rather people were able to hear one another and chat than force them to dance to loud music. Yes, that's right: we're forcing people to be sociable instead. We're monsters. Press reveal to see another sort of monster.
REVEAL:
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GAMINGTON 
There is another entry in the Digitiser: The Game development diary. It's witty, informative, kind to sensitive skin, and is my cheque in the post yet?

http://arbitraryfiles.com/games/dtg/devdiary_002.html

To atone for the nagging sense of guilt following such blatant self-promotion, here's a more fictional advert.
David W
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Everyone: go and read David's development diary, please. He's "beavering" away very hard to bring you something special.
WEDDING: WHY?
Congratulations, and I hope you and your lady have a great day.

Here are a few things I don't get about weddings, though. I'm sure these don't apply to you, but... well, I feel like writing them down anyway because you've got space to fill, and CTRL+A CTRL-V CTRL-C will copy any amount of text so what's the harm.

I mean it's only seconds of your life ticking away that you'll never get back. What else could you be doing? Nothing, that's what. Do nothing. Just sit there. Optionally, sigh every few minutes. Stare at a wall. Stare at a different wall. Or read this.

Nikki's list of wedding things she does not understand:

1) This.
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For pity's sake, you're getting married, not going to prison. Why are these things so frequently equated? What wonderful freedoms are you giving up? Shouldn't your life be unimaginable without the person you're marrying? Yes, I get it's a joke, but why is it a joke? Where's the humour in it, if it doesn't have at least some grounding in reality?

​Or is the joke that actually, the OPPOSITE is true and no man has ever felt like that ever? Is there a limit to the amount of questions I can ask in a row here? Dare I continue to found out? Are you expecting me to say, "tune in next week to found out," at some point? Will you be surprised when I don't?

Ok, so there was only one thing on the list. That's still a list though, isn't it.

So, yeah, talking about video games then. Go on, as you were. Games and things. Less existential dread.

I wish you all the happiness in the world for the weekend, and every day after that. Also, don't be tempted to say "I do-do" and then laugh because do-do means poo. Just think it. And don't laugh.
Nikki
I guess the whole "ball and chain" thing stems from an era where people got married because they thought they had to, rather than because they wanted to. It is odd.

​After my last marriage, I was quite happy never to get married again, because - y'know - it's just a piece of paper and that innit. But then, I was drawn to the notion of getting married because I wanted to, rather than because I felt I had to, and it had more appeal... and, well, for both of us it's a way of saying 'this is for life'. Press reveal to see something else that's for life.
REVEAL:
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NUP-NUPS
Best wishes for your nuptials-me-do this weekend, Biffo and Sanya! Enjoy yourselves, and I hope you have a lovely future together.
John Veness
Cheers, Johnno! See, now I'm starting to worry that doing this letters page now just looks like some narcissistic request for good wishes. 
A COMPLICATED JOURNEY
I’ve had a kind of complicated journey as a Star Wars fan. I remember seeing the original films on VHS when I was small, then went all in when the Special Editions came out in the cinema: toys, EU novels, the works.

When Episode 1 came out I had a kind of traumatic response and gave up on it all - and, to be honest, was a bit fed up with the later EU novels - and didn’t bother with 2 or 3 til years later, on TV or whatever.

The recent films have been a breath of fresh air, especially Rogue One and now Solo. I think the reality is that I just want my Star Wars in and around that era: the Empire, the Rebellion (give or take), and so on.

​I think I can live with a Boba Fett movie for that reason, assuming it isn’t too contaminated by links to the prequels...? I wasn’t entirely pleased with the surprise appearance of an old nemesis at the end of Solo for this reason, but I appreciate there are people who dig that character for other reasons. So whatever. Nice to see Kessel and Corellia on the big screen.

It’s weird being a fan.

Anyway! All the best for the big day, Mr B. Wishing you and the soon-to-be Mrs Biffo many more happy years together.
Richard Morrison
Yeah, it is weird being a fan. I mean, Star Wars is SO important to me. Really, those three original films and Marillion are about the only things in life I'm properly fanatical about, but that doesn't mean that sense of fandom doesn't get tested from time to time. 

Case in point: I really, really enjoyed the Solo movie, but I'm no longer sure how I feel about Star Wars. It's weird, but something really broke in me with The Last Jedi. Even now, six months on, I can't even put my finger on what happened. I can, objectively, see that it's a decent film. It's well made, the story is solid, and yet it has left me with a weird feeling of loss. More so, even, than the prequels did.

Judging from the box office disappointment of Solo, I'm guessing I'm not the only one. 

I've recently reevaluated my opinion of the prequels in the wake of all this. I don't think they're particularly good, but they do have value - because they're the work of a singular vision. They're quirky, they don't simply rehash old Star Wars beats, they try to do new things with the Star Wars universe. And they could do it, because it was Lucas at the helm, and it was entirely his right.

The thing I don't get about The Last Jedi is how everyone was saying it was changing the rules. For me, one of the biggest issues is that it felt too familiar; once again remixing moments and themes we'd seen before. If anything, it didn't go anywhere near as far as I felt it needed to offer a new take on Star Wars. Every moment is one we've seen before... albeit with a slightly different outcome.

Everyone talks about super-hero fatigue, but I see no real signs of it happening. Marvel, for me, is very good at putting new stuff on screen, the films are funny, the characters likeable. Everything in all these new Star Wars movies just feels like a variation on what came before. That was fine for The Force Awakens - which washed away the taste of the prequels - but we've had three films since then which are just doing much the same thing.

​It's just... I dunno. Maybe... just maybe... there is too much Star Wars?
CHRISTICLE
I hope you have an amazing weekend. If you find yourself a loose end for 10 minutes then you could always knock us up a quick listicle, maybe which video characters could get married or something. If not then no harm done. Congratulations x
Chris
Curiously, I did think about doing a listicle like that, but two things stopped me: 1) I wasn't interested enough in doing so, and 2) I thought it'd be far too self-congratulatory. I mean, why do a listicle celebrating my own wedding, when I can have a Friday Letters Page where you all wish me the best instead?

But anyway. Press reveal to see an unexpected celebrity union.
REVEAL:
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THE 50 Q'S OF WHYTE
1. What has been your favourite game or console advert over the years? I have to be predictable and say the PlayStation 'Double Life' advert but the Virtual Fighter 4 UK one was good, too.

2. What item of in-game clothing would you most like to be real/own?

3. Hasn't the criticism of Mass Effect Andromeda gone too far? It's no classic and nowhere near as good as Mass Effect 2, but the online hive mind acts as if it was terrible. I think that it is pretty good but was clearly hamstrung by overambition and the stupid ending to Mass Effect 3.

Good luck with the wedding!

John Whyte
1. Hmmm. I've a sort of affection for the classic Sega "Cybo-Razor Cut" ones, and the ones Rik Mayall did for Nintendo, but - perverse as it is - the games-related ads which most stick in my mind aren't for consoles. The Amiga Sunshine On A Rainy Day one . A mate of mine briefly went out with the woman who sang that song.

2. Does the Portal gun count as clothing? Hmm. No: I like Joel's clothes from The Last Of Us, because he basically dresses like I do already. 


3. I bought Andromeda, and never got around to playing it, because all the criticism put me off. People care too much about stuff these days. You can't just be mildly annoyed... you have to be OUTRAGED! it's just a game. So in answer to your question: yes.
ONE FOR THE LADIES
Dear Biffo,
Found this in a guide for 1950's ladies... probably applies to you... and your predicament.


1. A Smile Goes A Long Way.

2. Keep Quiet.

3. Wear Pink Underwear.

4. Don't Let The Kids Be Too Much Trouble.

5. Expert Cooking Will Keep Your partner Loyal.

6. Put As Much Care Into Your Appearance As Dinner.

7. Don't Be Too Sexual Or Too Prude.

8. Don't Be Mad If they Goes Astray

9. Remember That The MAN Is In Charge.


For some reason they didn't include 10...

Cheers,
Withnailmarwood

P.S. Have a bloody great time.
Get this: I'm so liberal and progressive that I did toy with taking my other half's surname. You can blame The Handmaid's Tale for that; it made me realise how old-fashioned and sort of patriarchal it is. That said, upon reflection, I'm not doing that. 
BISCUITY BASE
Dear Mr Biffo. I have been greatly enjoying the new Half Man Half Biscuit album over the last few days. Do you have any opinion on them and if so what?
 
Congratulations on the upcoming nuptials! It’s my wedding anniversary on Saturday so I can say with confidence THAT it’s a good day to choose.
 
Love and one of those slightly awkward modern handshakes that could become a hug but we’re not really sure if the other one is feeling it,
 
Nick Wilson
I didn't even realise HMHB were still releasing albums, so I might have to seek this out. I was something of an admirer back during their heyday in the late-80s. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure I ever owned one of their records, yet can sing every line of Dickie Davies Eyes. 
SOLSTICE BELL
Dear Biffo,

I’d like to join in with the surely bounteous wishing of well for your imminent wed-me-do. Vastly inflated congratulations to you and Sanya - I truly hope you have the very best day, and get many an appreciative nod for your music selection throughout.

Also, sorry to have panicked you when I got the wrong day and tweeted similar tidings a week early last weekend. Hope you weren’t beset with too many cardiac problems as a result or anything.

This week I have realised two things of relevance to you and your past endeavours.

Thing the first: I was watching some 90s nostalgia programme the other day, and there was a bit about Nirvana, which reminded me. It reminded me: of a tribute to Kurt Cobain that ran on Teletext’s Generator pages (or ‘Greatarator’ as Digi  termed it) as news broke of his death, which included a full-page Teletext art gravestone with ‘RIP Kurt’ emblazoned on it. 

I guess this was probably your work - do you have any memory of doing it? I had no idea who he was at the time, so it was all a bit bewildering.

Thing the second: this week I inadvertently got into an online ‘spat’ with an ex colleague I haven’t seen in 10 years and barely even spoke to back then, over whether a certain far-right cretin was a free speech martyr or not (clue: he’s not), and I was left mourning the lack of critical thinking that people seem to display these days. 

Which got me to thinking: tracing things back, it seems likely to me that your outspoken writing back in the early-to-mid 90s helped me to develop my own critical thinking skills.

​Having my opinions challenged, albeit about something as mundane as which console is best, or whether Sonic 3 is a big fat cuss-oh or not, likely primed me to be open to assessing things critically myself - rather than taking them at face value based on my own confirmation bias or something. Digi may well have played a part in me growing up to (hopefully) not be an idiot, and for that I thank you.

So: cheers, yeah?

Have a tippity-top day tomorrow.
Chris Bell
I have absolutely no recollection of doing that gravestone. It might not have been me; occasionally Horsenburger was asked to do some stuff for the editorial department, and on-and-off over the years there was a second graphic designer (as I got busier with Digi). And sometimes other people in the office had a stab at doing stuff.

As for the other thing... that's really lovely. And a bit weird for me that Digitiser would've been so influential in somebody's formative years. Gawd knows where I got it from though.

Everyone: go check out Super Page 58. Bellston somehow keeps managing to find old Digitiser stuff to put up there.
GAMING MILL'S LETTER
​Dear Digi. On an almost daily basis I keep getting little bags of 6mm steel ball bearings through the post. I've checked both Amazon and eBay and I've certainly not purchased any - if I had then it could possibly be explained by some computer glitch or something somewhere. I now have 3500 of them; I know this not because I've counted them but did some 'magic' with scales and mathematics.

Last week I was looking at the tub I keep them in and wondering what I could do with them. I've got a fairly large neodymium magnet and wanted to see what would happen. I've now got several cuts and substantial bruises on my left hand and it took my friend, Pink Kelly, almost three hours to remove the balls from the magnet.

Still at a loss as to what I could do with them I bought a catapult on eBay. I don't know what I was planning to aim for but there's a weird dude who is about 15 years old that is always kicking a football around in the car park where I park my car and I've seen him not only hit it but also checking the doors to see if it's unlocked. I loaded five of the ball bearings and took aim. 

Lucky for him I missed but I was quite surprised when he looked at my car. I was even more surprised when I realised I'd hit my own windscreen and caused quite a few considerable cracks.

I don't know what my insurance policy says about windscreen cover - I don't tend to check important things like that. I certainly won't mention that I caused the damage myself when I call them up to find out.

The ball bearings? Still in a tub but in my 'safe cupboard' now, along with my stash of tripods and all of the empty Amazon boxes I keep amassing.

I am unfit but strong and that is all.
Gaming Mill
Oh, Gaming Mill... how we have all missed you.
19 Comments
Gary42
1/6/2018 10:10:38 am

Congratulations Mr B! I hope it all goes jolly well. I was also hoping to have thought of a joke based around bells ending that would have resulted in the term 'bell end', but I haven't, so we'll all just have to get over that.

Reply
Mr Biffo
1/6/2018 11:06:22 am

Cheers, Gazzo!

Reply
DEAN
1/6/2018 10:38:40 am

Great letters this week!

Star Wars - I really enjoyed The Last Jedi at the cinema and then watched it again at home - thought it was boring and ultimately pretty lame. That wouldn't have stopped me taking my son to see Solo but he watched the tailer and then didn't want to go.

The old ball and chain - yes, the idea is that 'her indoors' will put a stop to him going out and getting pissed with his mates ETC.

I've been married for over ten years now and my wife would love it if I fucked off out for a bit... so, yeah... I dunno.

Hope the two of you have a great day and a great life together - you're wonderful people, make a great team and I wish you both all the best!

Diabetes - is not a joke and not necessarily for life either.... but fuck all that, why was that sort of but not really okay but saying it about AIDS would have been even more awful? I mean, it's all insensitive shit and we probably know more people with diabetes than we do with aids but.... is it our ignorance of the disease that makes it okay or the fact that it's associated with fat people that sort of deserve it because they did it to themselves by shuffling past the salad bar as they waddle their way to the ice-cream machine at Pizza Hut? That's an awfully ignorant stance to take though, right? I mean, drug addicts, gamblers, sex people... all have themselves to blame really... but fuck, that's a cunt's view, right?

I dunno.... I'm not offended and I'm not diabetic either but that's not really the point - how would somebody with diabetes feel reading that punchline? Sleepy...?

Reply
Mr Biffo
1/6/2018 11:04:41 am

Well, I'm sorry you thought it was potentially in bad taste Dean. I worry you might be over-thinking it. It's sort of intended as a non-sequitur really, than poking fun at diabetes sufferers - and I can count my mother, two sisters, two cousins, and a late uncle among them. Plus, I certainly don't immediately think "fat people" when I think of diabetes.

Also, if you want to REALLY get into this sort of thing - which I don't particularly want to do off the back of a single reveal-o-joke - the truly empathic stance to take when talking about addicts is that they're not to blame. Heroin, for instance, is a very powerful painkiller. Usually implying that there's some pain there that needs to be numbed...

Reply
DEAN
1/6/2018 11:32:04 am

No, my point stands - you wouldn't have said aids instead... I'm being presumptuous but I'm not over thinking it... I don't think!

And you may not think of fat people when you hear diabetes but I think that's the kind of thing that's out there... like how people ignorantly believed aids was only really of concern to homosexuals and drug addicts.

I agree completely, they are absolutely not to blame. The belief that obese people can just stop eating or whatever is neither here nor there. Gamblers can stop going to the bookies.... it really winds me up - that kind of judgment and lack of compassion. I mean, it's obvious the NHS is making obese people the new 'smokers' and I mean, c'mon, you know full well that obesity and type 2 diabetes have been under the media spotlight for quite some time - which is why I think people make the link.

And that's one theory I had as to why it was okay for you to say diabetes but not aids... which I really don't think you would have.

And my whole point is, what's the difference?

Adam
1/6/2018 01:29:21 pm

Well it made me laugh Mr Biffo. Or should that be 'Mr OfSanya' now?

John Veness
1/6/2018 11:44:34 am

Thanks for the next instalment of your Dev Diary, David. I appreciate the mention of Digiworld, which I paid for at the time but it now feels like a sort of dream! There was not enough Biffo in it, though.

Reply
David W
1/6/2018 01:10:40 pm

Read Digiworld, everyone! Biffo is present only in homeopathic quantities, but it also features:

- piles of stupid reveals and animations
- fittingly low scores for terrible games
- boring trade shows enlivened by undead
- prescient parodies of outraged editorials
- crisp graphics smearily upscaled by modern browsers
- obscure jokes that I can plagiarise undetected

If you read it all, and decide not to press charges, then don't forget to send J Nash the £4 shareware fee! Except, his method of earning money is characteristically broken, so you'll have to go round with some loose change instead. It's worth the effort for Mr. Biffo's subsequent £0.37 royalty cheque.

Reply
Chris Bell link
1/6/2018 12:28:18 pm

I did a big involuntary guffaw at the reveal-oh of the Alanis/Isis union and got a few quizzical looks in the office. I won’t bother trying to explain it to them.

Biffo, in many ways you were a bit of a role model to me during my teens! Sure, you were just doing your job and everything, but in amongst the silliness, with your replies and opinions, you definitely showed how to behave and be a reasonable human being out in the world, with a sense of humour and the ability to not take oneself too seriously. The questioning and critical thinking was very much part of that. When you later referred to yourself online as ‘Uncle Biffo’, it seemed oddly appropriate!

Two things in ‘pop’ culture have helped me in many ways as much as any schooling I had: reading the UK Transformers comics between the ages of 7 and 10 (Simon Furman’s writing was great for my vocabulary), and then Digi during my teenage years.

Now that’s public service broadcasting.

Ta for the plug for the site, btw. It’s been very gratifying getting all the updates in lately, and there should be another one to come tonight. :)

Reply
superfog
1/6/2018 02:02:22 pm

Gaming Mill's enjoyable missive about his balls and new, potentially injurious, hobby reminds me of the craze in Somerset late 80's/early 90's (I think, my brain remembering molecules are not what they were); kids would get those fisherman's bait hurling catapults and shot a load of ball bearings at passing buses, the little c^H^H^H^H rascals!

Hope you have a nice wedding Mr Biffo, best wishes and all that!

Reply
Leen
1/6/2018 06:09:14 pm

Congratulations Mr & Mrs Biffo. I hope all goes well tomorrow.

Reply
Treacle
1/6/2018 06:23:46 pm

Hope you both have a wonderful day tomorrow, that the sun shines and no one is overcome by nerves and suffers an outbreak of quacking trousers.

Reply
floop
1/6/2018 11:46:51 pm

Herpes is for life and is funnier than diabetes or AIDS.
SEXY WEDDING, USA

Reply
DEAN
2/6/2018 09:43:51 am

That depends a lot on who has it though, right?

I mean if it's all over a pervert's bits or all over a baby's face?

I'd just like to labour my point a little more....

Something else that's for life? Down syndrome.

Something else that's for life? Cerebral palsy.

Something else that's for life? Being a victim of rape.

The problem here is we don't in any way blame any of them (at least, we probably don't) and so the joke is not funny... it's fucking awful.

The diabetes one worked because we do blame the victim and that makes it okay to laugh at them getting their.... just deserts (funny when said!)

If the poster child for diabetes was in fact a little kid injecting themselves with insulin then it would, for the most part, cease to be funny.

So yeah, it's obvious as fuck, right?

Reply
superfog
2/6/2018 06:11:10 pm

Being born is literally a death sentence, I remind my parents of this on every birthday! The heartless swines!

Starbuck
1/6/2018 11:57:20 pm

There's plenty in the letters and responses and comments that I'd normally want to reply to, but since the Comments weren't working last week and since it's almost appropriate I thought I'd try to reply to something from 7 days ago about in-game weddings. Since I'd bothered to save the text anyway..

[PASTE]


I enjoyed my real life son getting married recently in Stardew Valley, though that was probably as it was his first apparent realisation of the real life excitement and potential of love. And that.

[END]

Out of my system now even if not especially illuminating.

PS Good luck the Biffs, and thank you Gaming Mill for an idea of how to stop the pigeons shitting on the trampoline.

Reply
Gaming Mill link
2/6/2018 09:35:12 pm

I live in a second floor flat. I'd love to have a trampoline...I was tempted to jump into a snowdrift from my lounge window earlier this year but my Imaginary Wife said "don't be so bloody stupid". I've fallen from higher things with very little serious injury.

Some people have no sense of fun.

Reply
Starbuck
4/6/2018 12:13:24 am

You can still enjoy a trampoline in a second floor flat. Just don't jump too high.

Jim Leighton (Future World Darts Champion) x
4/6/2018 11:06:09 am

There should have been a wedding in Final Fantasy VII..... but that darned Sephiroth spoiled that!...……………. It's still real to me damn it.

Reply



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