THE DIGITISER FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

Up front, I want to say thank you - in the most sincere and genuine way possible - to all of you (and there were a lot of you) who sent kind wishes after our accident. It went a long way to us being able to take positives from what was a pretty horrible experience. Honestly, it was humbling, and I sort of felt undeserving of such an outpouring of kindness. 

Nonetheless, it truly did make a difference to us that so many people seem to care. Thankyou.

Right, enough of the mawkishness. Letters time. LETTERS TIME!!!!!

If you'd like to appear here, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone, or you've got a picture of a bin you wish to share, please send your filthy emails to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com​​​​​​​​​​​

SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY
I wanted to reply to Treacle Truffle's letter last week, but I didn't read the Letters page until Tuesday and who's still reading comments on Tuesday?

I mean other than me? 

So I'll do it here: Lancashire Sauce. Lancashire Sauce is the most bullshit food I have eaten. I'm from Lancashire; of course when I learned of such a thing I wanted to get some to represent. But this stuff is nonsense. No amount short of swigging straight from the bottle will give you any flavour, yet if you get a drop on your skin you'll smell like mustard for three days straight.

Highly unrelated to the above, I never played Spec Ops: The Line, but I love interesting and storied development processes (whether they go right or very badly wrong). I have always appreciated how the game's narrative was shaped by execs forcing in particular set-pieces, and the developers finding ways to subvert them in turn.

Alright I'm going to go work on this fanfic about Monty Mole in which he and Sam Stoat are homosexual lovers. When's THAT franchise going to get revived?
Sedric and Charlie

Well, I'm sure this letter would've worked a lot better had it followed a little more closely to the previous Friday Letters Page, but never mind.

So sorry you don't like Lancashire Sauce. May I recommend, as an alternative, Valentina hot sauce? It's all the flavour of a hit sauce, with a very mild hot hit. It's fast replacing Frank's Red Hot as my favourite hot sauce. Also: Heinz Kranch, which is a mixture of ketchup and ranch. You have to import it though.

ANAL-LOG
Quite nosily, I was wondering if there are any real life situations that tend to transport your mind to a videogame analogue?

For me its lifts. If I'm standing in one on my own I can't escape the vague suspicion that there might be invisible stealth-suited assassins in there with me, similar to that quite frankly ridiculous sequence in Metal Gear Solid.

The trouble is, if i take the stairs I'm then in the mental hell of Cloud/Tifa/Barret climbing 59 flights of Shinra Building stairs in Fighting Fantasy 7.

Peace out.
Starbuck

With me it tends to be when I'm driving, Costa. On more than one occasion I've looked out through the windscreen and thought "These are good graphics".

Suffice to say, given recent experiences, I don't much fancy doing any driving for a while. Also, real-life crashes are way more realistic than the ones you get in videogames. 

BOOTLEGGERS
I regret to inform you that some very naughty people on AliExpress are selling bootleg Digitiser T shirts.

Most of your designs have been swiped straight from Redbubble, right down to offering "They Cuss You Bad" in white - ideal for insulting all but the most observant strangers.

My favourite one is "I Survived Digitiser Live", which for some reason now features Keanu Reeves.

Which of your popular creations would you most like to see gracing future unlicensed merchandise?
David W.

Thanks for letting me know about this, David. Given that there's not a lot I can do about it, all I can be is sort of oddly flattered by it. I mean, given we sell about one lump of merch a month, and don't really make any money out of it, I can't forsee them being particularly big earners for the "scalpers".

PATRON 2.0
I've been enjoying your content for a long time now and have recently signed up as a patron to show some support. It's been interesting hearing your thoughts about the future of the channel.

​I hope I speak for a good few people when I say that, as much as I loved Digitiser back in the day, and loved The Show as a format, that watching you and Gannon arsing around is great fun and I'll happily carry on tuning in as long as you have the energy to put the Minis out.

The reason I mention the Patreon thing isn't to get a pat on the back, but because I wanted to mention the recent "spooky" special. Not to have a go about the ghost, but because I wanted to say how weirdly enjoyable it was to hear you talk about Doctor Who for a bit at the start of the episode. I had no idea you liked the show, let alone knew about Big Finish! If you're ever struggling for content, looking at some naff Who merchandise would make me giggle no end I'm sure.

Anyway, I rarely reach out to YouTubers but I thought I'd just say that your videos are always a highlight of my week, and that I hope you know you have an audience who might have originally tuned in for retro gaming but are happy to stay for the pratting around.

All the best,
Jim

Cheers for that, Jimbo. And thanks for becoming a Patron. I'm considering putting out the other "spooky" special this weekend (just in time for after-Halloween!), given that I've not had time or energy to edit another video together, and that - frankly - anybody who watches it and thinks me dressing up as a ghost is some sort of KKK dog-whistling, is an actual idiot.

Anyhow... Yeah, I love my Doctor Who. When it's good anyway. Which, historically, Doctor Who has only been intermittently. I'd be the first to admit that. 

Press reveal to see the best ever episode of Doctor Who:

REVEAL:

MASTERLY
I am not sure if you are doing Friday letters this week, but I wanted to share this post from Sussex Police, which looks to me exactly like the cover art from a forgotten, unreleased and highly controversial Master System game.
Chris Hard

My dad used to have a cutting board that I always thought looked like the Master System covers grid. Now let's have a reveal to see if we can rescue something from that dull anecdote:

REVEAL:

MORE SENSE
Really sorry to hear of the accident, I hope you're both recovering well. And try to enjoy your holiday, please!

The Beanus stuff was excellent (on second viewing it makes more sense), and the Digi content has been hugely beneficial for my mental wellbeing over the last few years. So I do trust you're both able to recuperate.

Bestest regards,
Mr. Morris

I'm somewhat intrigued by your assertion that Beanus made more sense on "second viewing". It did?! Really??

​But yeah, thanks Johnny. We're doing alright. Still sore, very sort of physically drained, and still getting over it, but we're okay.

CASSIUS
You want letters for a letters page this week??? I'll give you letters!!!

U R A B E A N U S!!!
Jon Clay, Taunton, Somerset

Urabeanus sounds like a Pokemon.

FRIGHT NIGHT
Bloomin heck Biffo,

You gave us all a fright. Hope you are both getting over the accident.

Not really got a lot else to add.... but look after yourselves.
Steve Game Telford

PS... More Beanus!

Ta, Steve-oh. We're feeling much better about it all now we're home and don't have to drive on LA's horrible roads anymore. It's telling that everyone we spoke to over there seemed to have had their own traumatic traffic story.

BINSUS
In the time away I've been thinking that if Mr T has told people to stay away from his bins...

Would Hannibal Smith demand for his garbage to get taken away on time because Howling Mad Murdoch would search through the bags looking for old pots of Petit Filou with used tissues in them and also Laughing Cow cheese wrappers to make his own cheap puppet show to entertain the local children of the area?

Either that Hannibal would write a letter to his local municipal council, as they find out that he's dumped a dragon costume out the recycling and only plastic bottles are allowed.
Mr Jobbins of Canley Baxter, Beanus Lane

I... I dunno what to say about this. It seems that your plan... didn't quite come together, did it, Jobbus!??

Q MEET A
Dear Biffo,

Two questions if I may:

1: To obtain the full VIP Galaxy Edge Star Wars experience is it required to do the full on near death, huge crash, wow that was close, oh look my finger has nearly fallen off OR could I get away with a rear ender and a shunt?

2: For years now I have been looking to invest in a driving game rig. I have experienced wheels balanced on my knees and foot pedals on the floor, but I feel as though I need the full experience with a frame, seat, properly mounted wheel and pedals, speakers and monitors. A quick eBbay hunt reveals some cheap solutions which look, well cheap. What in you and your panels experience do I need to invest to get something decent? 

Not concerned about the hardware (PS4, PC or Xbox as I have these covered).
Mark 'Shunt' Paling x  

1. I think it needs to be a combination of near death, visible injury, PLUS a honeymoon that was delayed until Galaxy's Edge was open. It was a perfect storm!

2. Jeez. I rarely play driving games, so I'm completely the wrong person to ask. I'm sure somebody could help you out in the comments. 

Also, don't think I've not noticed the curious link between your two questions.

LONG STORY
I feel I must interject. You have been reading the telegram over and over now for the last 30 minutes. What does it say?

I'm sorry? 

I said... You have been reading the telegram for the last 30 minutes...What does it say about...this? I gestured at the room.

Oh, nothing much.

Both of us were in no hurry to address anything else. We had been sat for several hours, shielded by firescreens from the bitter room behind, and were trying...hard...to ignore the malicious and oddly timed, slamming of the parlour door.

Lord Fanshaw had asked us to investigate certain disturbances in his inheritance, that being a 17th Century stately pile in dampest Essex. Being men of science, and reputation, we had seen nothing that one would remark as peculiar until the clock above the stable-yard had struck 1.

It was more of a sensation, and not a sound that alerted us. A sound of soft shuffling, shuffling and rustling in the corner of the room. Both of us felt it, an icy jolt, our eyes met, his wide with fright, but tempered with a half smile as though he was in the process of challenging his visceral response. I'm sure my own were also agape and affeared.

The shuffle seemed to climb the walls and settled on the door handle. Again, only sensed by the change from softness to a metallic vibration.

With a start, the the door was flung open, held for a second, and thrown to with such force that the house reverberated like a thunderclap, echoing away to nothingness in dark corridors.

It was then that Archer seized the telegram and began to devour it feverishly.

It begins at the door

Was all he said...before freezing.

After some delay, I gathered my wits, stood too, quickly stooping to avoid my being visible above the firescreens, from what? Nothing I suppose but the a queer distortion of the firmament at the edge of my sight, around the door. Such as one would see if ones eyes were open underwater. "It's nothing!"

I launched myself towards archer and grasped the telegram out of his hands. Outside the glow of the embers and the flickering candle, and beyond the firescreens the distortion settled around our corner of illumination like a cloak. The door was flung hard again. CRASH. So I read, and stared hard at the paper.

It begins at the door. A force, a feeling. Always in that one location. Neither myself, my family or any of the staff will be anywhere without at least two rooms between us and it, at any time of night. In the morning, the maids will clean the plaster from the floor, and the tradesmen will repair any damage. It echoes so loudly that we have all taken to residing in the bachelors wing to escape. This is naturally inconvenient... I would be frightfully happy to receive your thoughts on the matter etc etc Yours etc.

My thoughts at that moment were to unload my pistol in the direction of the door and flee into the night, but my rational head told me that this was something natural if unexplained.

Archer was surely thinking the same, but was transfixed on something internal, and couldn't yet reveal himself until he offered. The door crashed and Archer started.

"I have seen this before...in Gallipoli...there was a similar, force; that occupied one of our gunpits. Several men had been...(he paused) they had been killed...and every night thereafter, the gun would fire despite it being out of action. At the time we thought it most peculiar, but in that whole hell of war, none of us questioned it, and none of us returned to that pit. It was on our side after  all.

The thing seemed to fight with us until it was no longer needed, and then it left. I figured the men who died in that hole, continued to do their duty until they were no longer required."

"If that were so, what does...this want? What is it's duty?"

Archer had by now collected himself and was as rational and articulate as always.

"We need only ask my good man."

With that, he was up and around the firescreens, confident and poised...and then...nothing. 

...I sat in abject terror until morning. The door crashed at odd intervals. Sometimes it was silent, almost taunting me to relax, and then it would slam all the harder. Sometimes in rapid succession like a volley of cannon, sometimes one odd slam to let me know I was still being watched. It is hardly possible to describe to you the sensations of that night, the visions...how I hastily lit more candles with abandon to try and pierce the ever growing gloom. How I clung to the thought that Archer was merely playing a prank and had left the room, seeing my fear. How he would reveal himself at breakfast with a swagger, tell me to 'man up!' and 'Did I really believe all that bunk?!' and Lord Fanshaw and he would laugh whilst revealing some mechanism involving the bell pulls and fishing wire tied to his foot in order to give the door a shove.

But he never did.

Statements were taken, the village constable knew of the stories of the big house, and chastised us for dabbling with such arcane matters. What use his report?

Lord Fanshaw was ashen. I was deeply, deeply shaken. We had lost one of our best, a man of science, a man who had survived the war, and a man who was untouchable in thousands of other similar cases.

Archer, my friend, was gone.

--------------
Thanks for saying "you write good" the other letter. I'm at a low ebb in life, and writing is one of the things keeping my chin up :-)

So a story for Halloween. Even if it's tripe. I write 30 minutes a day, no revisions, as a form of getting the weird out of my head (and only over if it is to not leave a loose end).
Dave Graves

Okay, now... Yes, you're a good writer, Tombstone, but maybe when you send your letters in... try writing a little more concisely...?

Just a bit, yeah?

THE MOVIE
Sorry to here your shocking news. I'm wishing you both a speedy recovery and hope you can make the most of the rest of your trip.

I was inspired to create the enclosed to try to cheer you up or something. I guess Beanus fan art is the new grapes. It's how I see a Beanus movie going down. Based on what was discussed in the Beanus video.

All the best,
Simon

I've said it many times over the past couple of weeks, and obviously this is amazing... but... WHAT IS GOING ON?!?

TROPESWING
Dear Mr Biffo'clock,

What tropes do you think are most over used in game plots, and conversely, what games have most impressed you with the creativity of there storytelling? 

Love and kissy kissy, 
Treacle Truffle

Oh jeez. Games aren't exactly known for their original storytelling are they? I mean, y'know... take your pick; terrorists, lone heroes, aliens blah blah.

I'm very intrigued by the supposedly very original Death Stranding, mind, and reading the reviews this morning - veering wildly between hating it and calling it a masterpiece - has only fuelled that. Suffice to say, I've pre-ordered it, and I'm very much expecting to hate it. It sounds so sort of painfully up-itself and dull!! 

DRUNK
Hi Mr. and Lady Biffo (the wife),

FYI I've discovered a dangerous mix of Bacardi Spiced Rum and Fanta Zero Grape, I've had like two glasses and I'm trashed (it's 7pm), so thought I'd spit some drunk talk your way in order to ensure that a Friday letters page happens.

Well, I would like to say 'Hope you enjoyed your belated honeymoon!', but what with all the unpleasantness, I hope you were able to enjoy it anyway; I guess it wasn't uneventful at least! 

It was great to hear that you were so well looked after at Disney, and you've got some genuinely memorable holiday snaps; Considering what happened to you both, you look like you're enjoying every moment and it warms the cockles of me and Mr.J (the wife)'s collective hearts to see so.

Literally just over 4 years ago myself and Mr.J (the wife) took a trip to Japan, and the only holiday snaps with us both in seemed to be of us taking advantage of being able to chuff on a fag indoors in various locations (since then we've quit fags and moved on to puff flutes).

I'm currently encouraging Mr.J (the wife) (currently trying to entertain me by playing the main theme from Toejam and Earl on a bass guitar) to make a 'pen and ink' for you.

As of right now, I have no idea what of, suggestions please? I've also noticed I subconciously put that (and this) in bold as I'm so used to using bold to draw attention to things in businessy emails that people I send them to never usually read properly I did it just there, and I've used italics here too, this Fanta Zero (grape) is a delight!). ​Potentially on the back of the same generic council letter I scrawled my Beanus on with a view to posting you some physical paper to stick to your fridge (assuming you have one, I mean, people seem to think that having a microwave in the kitchen is essential but I haven't used one in years so who knows?). 

I've already scrawled the delightful Mr.Gannon in his Ghostbusting attire on it so there's that I guess.

Are you planning on doing a vid where you open up the tat you've been sent?  What would you like Mr.J (The Wife) to make a 'pen and ink' about?
Mr.S (drunk) and Mr.J (the maybe not as drunk as he doesn't like Fanta Zero (grape)) the Wife.

We've done two videos where we open the post, but we use them as our warm-up videos, and consequently they're never quite as good as the other ones we film in a block.

Now that we've gone down to one video a week, I'm not sure where or when to use them, which is proving to be a dilemma. It seems a shame not to put them out, but... dunno. Thoughts?

A drawing? Why don't you draw Beanus? That's all anybody does anymore.

Also: how can you live without a microwave!? How do you warm your lightbulbs?

POST TEASER
Sorry it's late, but I'm finally sending a big parcel your way, just a couple of things to point out that I forgot to mention in the enclosed letter.
​

1.  No, there's not a coil spring inside, it's the only suitable box I could find. Although, I know you'd find a use for a coil spring on your desk. 
   
   
2. The Sellotape I used to seal it has something to do with the contents, as they're from that region. 
   
   
3. Share them out! Make sure Larry and Octav1us get some too! See if Beanus wants some too.

Get well soon to you and your wife and enjoy!
Stuart Kenny!!

This is an intriguing looking box, and pleasingly chunky. I don't know if it has arrived yet, as I've still not gone through all the post that arrived while we were away. Though most of it was for Cheapshow anyway...

HORACE RELATIONS
Today I had a run in with a seemingly terrible person, whose name I can’t mention as said person likes money and litigation.

Let’s call him Saul Pandrews, for argument's sake.  Now, Saul is an honourable businessman of many years and is CEO/head of approximately 452 companies here in the UK. Included in his portfolio of delights are such wonders as; alleged making of pornography and sex bots, being part of failed/pointless unfinished games consoles, being an IP troll and, finally, destroying livelihoods of YouTubers.

While worried about my beloved YouTubers, I made a point of repeatedly asking Saul which IPs he now owns, in case he decides to pursue other people, only to be blocked by him today on Twitter.

Yesterday you wrote a blog post about what appears to be a very very similar situation and it reminded me that these “vultures” exist in the retro gaming scene today. Some might call Saul a blight on the scene. 

​I’m not personally suggesting he is a blight on the scene, I’m just merely suggesting that such a person exists he might be considered a blight on the scene. Allegedly. If, for example, Saul fell down some steps I might feel more sorry for the steps. I’m not suggesting he should be injured (honestly, I hate the threat of physical violence), just that if it did happen, I would give the steps a new coat of paint.

Sorry to talk about such a serious subject today after your return from holiday (I hope you enjoyed it in the end) but I just wanted to vent.

Take care!
Lee McCormick

Now then... let's all take a breath about the Horace situation. It was unfortunate, and a dick move, and the person responsible seems to have only the support of the less savoury elements of the retro gaming community, and I think there's good reason to question whether the motives were sincere or vindictive, but I think when it comes to wishing physical ill upon a person you're getting into dodgy territory. 

It does feel like the whole thing - which I tried to be as balanced as possible about in my article yesterday - has gotten a teeny bit out of hand. 

I appreciate that a lot of people were shaken up by Octav1us's video, and I understand that it can be alarming to see somebody caught in a moment of panic like that. The best thing you can do when confronted with that is not succumb to panic yourself.

I know it can be scary to receive official sounding letters, and that can only be exacerbated if you suffer from mental health challenges, but... sometimes it doesn't help if those around you panic and are similarly reacting from an emotional place. Who is that really about?
 
While I was away (and, putting it bluntly, dealing with stuff that felt a bit more serious than IP strikes on YouTube videos), I had more than a few people contact me suggesting I check on Octav1us. It kind of irritated me slightly, because the implication there was that a) I hadn't done so already, b) Octav1us doesn't have other people to keep an eye out, and that c) Octav1us somehow needs looking after.

I'm a firm believer that the more we do for other people, the less able they become to do things for themselves. That said, of course I had spoken to Octav1us before I left, and I was satisfied that everything was going to be okay. 

So. Deep breaths, everyone. 

A LOVELY TIME
Hello!

I'm glad you had such a lovely time at the Star Wars thingie! You deserve good times and happiness. You are good people.

How're you coping with the Beanus fever you've lit? The outpouring of art, creation, cosplay etc has been both lovely and disturbing to see from a viewer perspective - how is it from the creator side? Did you anticipate the maelstrom of Beanus love?
Chai xxx​

Beanus Fever is insane. I mean... I was not expecting it. At all. It was just a silly one-off idea, and wasn't supposed to explode the way it has done. I actually had the idea for the character back in the summer, but it took a while before I could think how to get him in a video.

For me the idea isn't Beanus... but me trying desperately to come up with a character. And the character clearly is terrible. But in that... maybe he isn't. So, I dunno,. 

The trick now is not to get swept up in it all, and being tempted to run the joke into the ground. He'll be back! If we can get 14k YouTube subscribers this weekend, you may get something extra...

BOTTOM OF THE LETTERS PAGE

​Hi Mr.Biffo,

Apologies for the double dip but I wanted to share this halloween image from a few years ago.  Myself and Mr.J (the wife) were walking home after a halloween night out where we stumbled across this cheeky Richie-alike. 

Whilst paying numerous drunken compliments to the attention to detail he'd gone through, a banana happened to wander past so we got them to pose.  The banana had literally no clue why we were finding this so hilarious.

I've gone through some lengths to protect the identities of them by giving them Voldo from Soul Calibur masks, and just drawn on the other revellers.
Mr.S

At least neither of them are dressed as Beanus.

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Matthew Smith says:

​"Many moons ago, there was a computer called the Commodore Amiga. Long-standing readers of Digitiser may possibly be aware of it. 

Back in the early '90s, when the Amiga wasn't being shouted about by inexplicably angry people, it frequently played host to games with really rather smashing music. And now, in the futuristic space-world of 2019, a great many of those spiffing tunes are set to be given seriously groovesome new life by the ace rock band known as FastLoaders.

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/fastloaders/fastloaders-amiga-rocks

Previously responsible for the fab C64-inspired album Ninja Musicology (which featured all-new rock renditions of tunes from the Last Ninja trilogy), the FastLoaders are now looking to create Amiga Rocks, a triple album of Amiga game music in rock/metal form, with a tracklist including top-notch tunes from such well-known titles as Turrican II, Lotus III, Chuck Rock, Ghouls ’n’ Ghosts, Cannon Fodder and all three Shadow Of The Beast games, plus many more besides.

The team are running a Kickstarter campaign to fund the project, which you can visit here: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/fastloaders/fastloaders-amiga-rocks
​
It only has a handful of days left to run, and it's achingly close to hitting its target, so if you could help to get it successfully across the finishing line, that would be a mightily splendid thing indeed. There are oodles of neat bonus goodies on offer, including copies of the band's previous releases, and there are some intriguing stretch goals too for if things go especially well in the campaign's closing moments.

Cheers muchly for your kind attention, folks!"

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