DIGITISER
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ

THE DIGITIser friDAY LETTERS PAGE

12/10/2018

25 Comments

 
I hope to see some of you this Sunday at the live recording of the 100th episode(s) of Cheapshow. Unfortunately, both shows are sold out, but if you're there... you can enjoy Gannon and Silverman embrace their unique blend of tat-reviewing and filth, with special guests Ashens, Ash Frith... and Me. 

If you won't be in attendance, worry not - my crackling sexual chemistry with Gannon will shortly be seen on screen in Digitiser The Show, which is coming perilously close to release. Heck, you might even see Eli Silverman in a few episodes. 

Stay girded for further details on the actual release date...


​If you'd like to appear here, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone, or you've got a picture of a bin you wish to share, please send your filthy emails to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
STREAMS CAN COME TRUE
Hello Biffo. Games, eh? They're good aren't they. Well, at least they were. But now it's a mixed bag. In the 80s they were all fantastic. Except they weren't.

Where am I going with this? I'll tell you now. We (that is, myself and Bunty) have a YouTube channel where we do a live stream of us playing bad video games from the olden days. More accurately, it's me loading up really bad video games from the olden days and watching Bunty get incredibly frustrated with them. We're doing this regularly(ish) on Friday nights.

You can see our last stream here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYCGR6SqkjE 

​It features that awful text adventure "Soho Sex Quest" that you mentioned on Digi! We were all horrified. And not just at the game.

Our channel is at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChzE50rpphVkW_Ucgj7wl7g because we don't have enough subscribers to get a fancy channel address yet. So hit that like and subscribe button, or something!

Thank you kindly,
Nikki and Bunty (a.k.a. Two Girls, One Video Editor)
I have subscribed to your channel! I wish you both all the best in your future streaming endeavours, and may even dip my orbs into your waters from time to time.
ZELD... ER?
Dear Digitiser

I'm stuck on that bit in Zelda. You know, where you have to open that door, but there's a monster thing that is in the way, and some rocks. Can you help please?

Thank you
Wangleberry
Why have you sent me this letter? 
HP SOURCE
Why can’t we have a civil conversation online? Recently I commented on a rival website about how offensive HP Lovecraft was, I quoted examples of his bilious racism, quoting his Aryan philosophy directly from one of his books, along with his crappy writing (how many adjectives do you need son!?).

​I was negged to f***! Which makes me think, one of the following must be true:

  1. Gamergate broke gaming and games journalism, and now we live in a binary world (pun intended) – spewing our own hate vomit at one another.
  2. Gaming was always broken, it is the creation of nihilistic power fantasies for people who have none.
  3. There are just more vocal arseholes in the world, but specifically gaming, and they feel their opinion is valid and should be spunked all over the interwebs.
  4. As gaming became more popular, appeasing the braying masses became key, and with them came all the people who scream WHOOOOOOOOO as people are making news reports.
  5. 9/11 broke the world, and we’ve never recovered.
 
I don’t know. It is strange as I used to wear being a gamer with pride, now I’m embarrassed to tell people I am excited for the next Red Dead in case they think I’m some mouth breathing, neck-bearded incel who has an anime avatar and an obvious love of fascism. Any advice appreciated.
John Matrix (not my real name – but the one from Commando)
Gamergate broke more than just gaming, sadly, but I suspect it was more symptom than cause. And yeah, 9/11 could be seen as a tipping point.

I had some angry fellow try to goad me into a Twitter fight the other day, seemingly because he hadn't liked one of my Retro Gamer columns. He used "woke" as a term of abuse, and insisted I must be "butthurt" over his daring attacks.

Essentially, when you read into the behaviour, there's a real sense of powerlessness. They want to feel they have some degree of control over their lives, and even when it isn't there they're prone to projecting it onto situations, and blaming those they see as a threat. That's often why it's important, if you're getting grief on social media, to remember that the grief-deliverer is basically acting out a form of empty chair therapy. It's not about you most of the time; it's what they see you as. 

​And sometimes you'll be doing the same back at them.

And thus, much as I feel sorry for them and have a weird urge to help, these people are eminently ignorable. 
HARBIN-GER OF DOOM
Mr Biffo, I am excited to announce that I have completed the final draft of my soon to be released book The Evolution of Gamepads.

​This not-quite-an-encyclopedia will be submitted for line editing this weekend. The book is 200 pages of pictures, details, explanations, and fun facts about that all important interface between you and the game.

I am looking forward to the Digitiser episodes. Can't wait to see them!
Kevin Harbin
@kevinharbn
Congratulations on finishing a book! Please write again with a link so people can purchase it once it's released. I had a look - yeah, I actually went to that effort - and couldn't find one.
HARBINGER OF DOOM
I’ve been playing Doom on the SNES for the first time and all things considered it’s brilliant. There’s something about a game being ported to a console that has no right having it that really hits my spot, especially if it’s got a combination of rubbishness and yet somehow still being the thing it’s meant to be.

Not too long ago I played another SNES enhancement chip game in Street Fighter Alpha 2. Side by side with the Saturn version it’d be terrible but in isolation it feels like the full game (albeit with a huge pause between it telling you “fight” and when you actually get to “fight”), I can imagine a stupid child in 1996 would think it was the bees shins.
 
And I might be remembering this wrong but I think Virtua Racing on the Megadrive was too good of anything! As if it had been made with witchcraft and devilry.
 
Inevitably I want you to discuss ports, feel free to not use these questions as a framework for your thoughts:
​
1. What is the best port?
2. What is the best port of something that shouldn’t have been attempted?
3. What is the worst port?
4. What is the worst port of something that shouldn’t have been attempted?
 
Adieu,
Grembot
Worst port? Dover. Ha ha ha. HA HA HA.  

No.

Weirdly, I was playing Doom on the SNES the other day as well. I'd forgotten how solid it actually was. It's a big shame it didn't arrive sooner because by the time it showed up on a console, PC first-person shooters had moved on. There wasn't the fuss made about it that there might've been a year or two perviously. 

​Anyhow. What is the best port? Well, depends on your definition of 'best'. I mean, there have been some absolutely arcade-perfect ones. Given that I talked about it earlier this week, there were certainly some arcade-perfect home versions of Dragon's Lair (as well as at least one very dodgy platformer). But, pretty as it was, it's a terrible game. 

Worst ports? Off the top of my head... Super Monaco GP on the Mega Drive. The arcade version was gorgeous, and the Mega Drive port received some incredibly positive reviews... and then I played it, and it was SO boring. Basically, they removed ALL the scenery. It was one of the most dull games, visually, of all time - barely a step up from Pole Position. So, that.
BLOCK EMAIL
Has Dan Farrimond plugged Block Party 2018 yet?

If not, it's happening next weekend, in Wigan, and entry is free. 

Details here:

http://teletextart.co.uk/block-party-2018-bloktoberfest-is-coming-to-wigan-on-20th-and-21st-october

Teletext! Silly pictures! Not that far from Play Expo Blackpool! Free!
David W
Picture
Yes, good luck to all the Block Party boys and girls. Hope it's an excellent event, and sorry I can't be there this time. Do good pixels.
BINTRESTING
I am most perplexed, annoyed and dumbfounded by Mr T telling me I cannot play with his bins. Every week he leaves his bins in MY yard, I tell him to move them and the only response I ever get is “Shut up Fool!”

It’s hardly how a civilised person should act! 
​
Last week I heard him screaming in his front yard towards the sky, turns out he was yelling at the planes...he doesn’t like them apparently. What a strange man, maybe some Cold spaghetti will sort him out?

Yours sincerely
The Gaming Muso
Why have you sent me this letter?
NASAL VOICE
Sorted, Biffo, my fam!

I just wanted to clear up last week's nasal enhancement query regarding virtual headsets. I have been in touch with Mr Big, boss of Mega Games Corporation©, who tells me that I am an idiot.

After that he stated that nasal plugs were never "a thing" but that electro-jolt butt plugs should be available by 2040 at the latest. "Bum Buzzers©" he calls them.

Would you care to add to my Kickstarter game "Bad Boy Botty Bother" which I'm releasing on the Tomytronic 3-D?
​

As ever, your humble servant,
Jabberwoc
Why have you sent me this letter?
PUDSEY THE HEDGEHOG THE MOVIE 
You’ll have seen there’s a Sonic the Hedgehog film coming out next year. I really don’t know why. At least when the Mario film was made the games were a phenomenon, and the film itself is bonkers enough to be interesting for 20 minutes until the fact that it’s total garbage makes you turn the telly over.

Who’s the audience for a Sonic film? I’m guessing middle-aged men like me looking for a blast of nostalgia and ironic laughs. When me and Neil went on the Sonic ride at Alton Towers a few years we both agreed that the only reason it was still a Sonic ride is that they couldn’t be bothered repainting it as Sonic has, you know, had his day.

​Though I might go see it if they’ve got the nutcases who did that bizarre, pervy Sonic fan-art that you wrote about a while back do the animation.
 
Apologies if you’re one of the writers on the film. If so I’m sure it will be great. Though IMDB says you’re not. Though you should be. A writer on the film, that is.
 
Cheers,
Chris Dyson
I dunno. Sonic is still pretty recognisable, and they've got Jim Carrey as Robotnik - the value of which will vary depending on how tolerable you find Jim Carrey (for what it's worth, I think he's a compelling dramatic actor, and absolutely, teeth-clenchingly awful when he's trying to be funny). 

As somebody who wrote a film based upon a dog who won a talent competition, I'm probably the wrong person to be asking about it though.

COOL GANG-XIETY
Hiya Mr Biffo, I hope you are well. I am well. One of the cool things about Digitiser then and now (possibly more now) is that you’ve managed to get it like a cool gang that it’s ace to be a part of, I dunno, but how would you feel if it became massive and covered in The MSM (mainstream media)?

Would it lose it’s cool edge like a band that only a few people knows about that got big. I think you know what I mean. I think.

Personally I reckon that’d be ace but y’know, whatevs.

You know what might be ace? Digitiser The Movie, obvs next level after the show yeah!?! I know other YouTube loonies Ashens and Angry Video Game Nerd have done it. What say you, Biff?

Anyway, I’ve rambled on too much now, catch you on the flip side!!!
Byeeeeeee.

Yours Sincerely, 
James Walker

Ps: got me a JXD s7800 Android gaming tablet for 25 squid in cash generator! Got to put it away for Xmas tho! Hooray!
I don't think Digitiser is ever going to feel anything other than a bit cult-y. I mean, y'know, it was sort of huge in the 90s, and people still talk about it feeling like it was a special thing that only they knew about. And even though lots of you remember it fondly, you're a relatively small community. 

Whatever I do when I'm indulging the sorts of things I want to do - stupid listicles on here, or Mr Biffo's Found Footage - they seem to end up as too weird to ever get any mainstream attention. 

I suppose the best chance of Digi becoming massive is Digitiser the Show - and I did have a moment recently where I thought "Shit... this is actually pretty good... what if it becomes really popular?!" - but ultimately, you've got me as the gatekeeper of all things Digi, and I'm in it because I enjoy the creative side of it, rather than it being some pursuit of fame.

At my age I couldn't think of anything worse, or more disruptive, than being famous - so it's something I'll resist at every opportunity. Except when it affords me the freedom to do more of what I love. Thus: please all plug the show whenever you can. If we can get more people interested then we might be able to raise more money for a second series.
WE HAVE LICENCE
Picture
Hey Biffs, I’ve made some fan art of a particularly grumpy gentleman in possession of a large mandible. It’s based on that popular cartoon strip in which he receives a box of serpents.

But I’ve been wondering all week... how exactly DID The Man lose his driving licence? 
Dan Farrimond
Well, this is an obscure reference that's going to confuse everyone. If I remember, the Man's cartoon was actually based upon a Knife & Wife comic strip I drew when I was a teenager, and was a follow-up to a strip where he crashed his car because he was drunk and had let a gerbil (in a cage) drive. 

So, there you go, Danno. YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING AN ACTUAL ANSWER WERE YOU??!!

​Gorgeous pic.
500 Qs OF WHYTE
222) Do you think that there is a chance of Nintendo being bought by Disney in the Future?

223) What do you think will be the main change in the upcoming next generation of console games, with reports of the PS5/Xbox being in development?

224) What type of previously popular game do you think that, even if done well, would not work today? For example, I cannot imagine an RTS being a huge hit right now because it seems like it isn't the right time.
John Whyte
222) Blimey. That's interesting. I suspect not though. I'm currently reading Console Wars - finally - and Nintendo's corporate philosophy is SO Japanese, while Disney is SO American, that I think they'd be a weird fit.

Also, Nintendo has just signed a massive theme park deal with Disney's rivals Universal, and with Disney already having to swallow a pre-acquisition super-heroes deal between Universal and Marvel, I suspect the only IPs they're going to be interested in buying now are ones they can exploit in all their parks.  So... chances of it happening are slim to none.

223) Pfffffff. I dunno. I've been thinking about this, and - really - what can they offer other than better graphics? Personally, I feel it's too soon, even if the PS4 is five years old. I've been playing the new Assassin's Creed, and it's stunning to look at. I've no real desire to upgrade anytime soon. The big change that's on the horizon - though whether Sony and Microsoft go there remains to be seen - is game streaming, I think. Which is obviously going to threaten high-street games shops.

224) I started writing an article about how I'd fix Command & Conquer, and then bored myself with it. I reckon that RTS games could work with the right approach. I mean, both Fortnite and Minecraft borrow from the genre in different ways. It's about finding a way of packaging the experience so that it appeals to as many people as possible. 

I don't think there are necessarily any genres that wouldn't work now if done right. It's just a case of reimagining them. Even text adventures can have their place - I've played some great interactive fiction on my phone.

Anyway. That's it. Plug Digitiser The Show and subscribe to the YouTube channel. Back me on Patreon. Buy tickets to see us at Play Expo Blackpool.
25 Comments
Starbuck
12/10/2018 10:01:09 am

Grembot, totally agree. I still get aroused thinking about the witchcraft performed by the likes of Zyrinx and Treasure on the Mega drive, let alone the 3D textured and lightsourced polygon miracles extracted from the humble 48k ZX Spectrum. Constrain the power!

Reply
Grembot
12/10/2018 10:59:20 am

There’s something so satisfying about getting more out of limited hardware, you can do anything in games now and I feel like some of the magic has gone. Actually it’s not magic, it’s craft and art really.

PSVR is a bit crappy visually but it captures that sense of doing something that’s not possible, “look at my hands, they’re Batman’s hands! I’m Batman!”

Reply
MENTALIST
12/10/2018 10:26:05 am

Does Command and Conquer need fixing?

Starcraft's still pretty popular, and it's basically just the same thing. Also, the whole DOTA genre is just a twist on RTS gameplay, isn't it?

So in theory if EA want to revive Command and Conquer, they just need to do-over the original with enough polish.

Reply
Chris
18/10/2018 09:44:32 pm

Didn't I read recently that EA were considering a re-release of C&C for its birthday or something?

Reply
Chris Bell link
12/10/2018 11:40:09 am

Dan, that is some stunning Man artwork - feels like it belongs in that format, rather than the actual strips that were printed in Super Control. Makes you wonder what a Turner-style Man comic on Teletext would have been like.

If anyone is curious about the provenance of the comic Dan based this on, there was a collaboration between Digi and SNES mag Super Control in 1993, and you can find a few of them collected here:
http://www.superpage58.com/digitiser-super-control-magazine-collaboration-pictures.htm

Reply
Spiney O'Sullivan
12/10/2018 11:45:37 am

I have tried to read HP Lovecraft just a few times and I always end up feeling disappointed. Maybe I don't read it in the right context, but I always find that the first third of the stories where the horror isn't described is closer to scary than the part where the inevitably slightly rubbish monster is revealed and the protagonist runs away and goes permanently insane from the sight of it and/or the diary they they'd been writing ends abruptly. Lovecraft definitely created some interestingly bleak landscapes, but the rest of his execution fails to grip me.

Reply
Stoo
12/10/2018 01:06:03 pm

I've just recently started reading the Mountains of Madness, am about halfway through. He writes some very evocative scenes of ancient, mysterious and terrifying places. But the story seems to turn into a lengthy exposition dump halfway through. I like it enough to keep going but his purple prose can be hard going at times.

Reply
Spiney O'Sullivan
12/10/2018 01:59:55 pm

If it's anything like any of his stuff that I've read, the Mountains part will be great, but the Madness less so.

MENTALIST
12/10/2018 01:19:45 pm

Because I had little else to do this lunchtime, I went and read that Eurogamer article, which I had previously skipped since I have only a passing interest in Lovecraft or his genre. Also because the "need to" in the title is a lefty-millennial clickbait hook. "Everybody must act upon my notion!".

Ooft, that's a badly written article. The top-ranked comment underneath it does a pretty good job of surmising its flaws.

I'm getting more and more displeased with their attempts to place themselves further to the reactionary left than even Polygon or Kotaku. It's gotten so I'm having to employ a "don't read it - it'll just wind you up" filter to headlines and authors, like I sometimes need to do in the Guardian.

Reply
MENTALIST
12/10/2018 02:01:06 pm

I couldn't help but skim the comments to see if I could work out which one was John Matrix's. Clearly the username doesn't match, but there *is* one that's heavily negged, and constructed as a list like his letter is.

I think the problem in this particular case might be one of tone. Both the letter, and the listy comment thread response are a little angry and intense. There's a considerable contrast between those and, Biffo's letter response, and those of the more highly ranked responses to the Lovecraft article - several of which also reassert how personally unpleasant they found Lovecraft's opinions.


In terms of tone, here, I'm trying to find a way of lecturing some person I don't know without sounding like a dick. I don't think I've succeeded, so I'm attempting to diffuse any aggro with a spot of self-deprecation.

Fear of a Snowflake Planet
12/10/2018 09:11:30 pm

Lovecraft is one of my favourite authors.

If the culture and temporal context in which an author lived is not taken into account, and all literature is to be viewed through the impossible PC standards of #CurrentYear, why not just Memory Hole the entire literary canon?

I dread to think what an English degree curriculum comprises these days, however from memories of my own, now over two decades past, I suppose each and every author would likely be jettisoned for myriad breaches of liberal ethics, for example:

Beowulf (author unknown): cultual appropriation

Chaucer: anal rape with a literal red hot poker. Earliest known example of mimicry of accents through modifications to spelling (regionalism)

Shakespeare: Othello 'the Moor of Venice'... Titus Andronicus; gratuitous violence and rape. An infinite rabbit hole here...

Jane Austin; The Bronte sisters: depictions of females as a weak, unequal, gender in need of husbands.

James Joyce, and virtually all late C19th and early C20th authors: casual racism

H.G. Wells: ultimate (human) racism, rejecting Martian immigrants; depiction of Earth's biosphere itself as genocidal (microbes defeat the 'invaders')

English War poets, including Sassoon, Thomas, Owen: gross nationalism

Joseph Conrad: Heart of Darkness - racism and imperialism (or is the author granted a pass for being a Polish immigrant to the UK, where he taught himself English? The PC ruleset is too complex for my comprehension)

Orwell: exposing the realities of totalitarianism through complete media and thought control (however he was a communist who fought in the Spanish civil war, complicating matters greatly...)

Why not just ban English degrees outright on the basis that the very name itself is nationalist, and the language replete with foreign loan words (a technical term itself probably now banished) from German, Latin, French, Italian, etc.

The collapse of Western Culture is at hand.

Reply
Christ
12/10/2018 11:42:02 pm

Terrible comment

The Truth is Out There
13/10/2018 12:59:13 am

Well said.

It's evident that the time of university education teaching critical thinking is past, and the age of hyper-expensive indoctrination has arisen.

Only Zuul
13/10/2018 03:17:08 am

'Christ' - I agree, that was a 'terrible comment'; one can only speculate as to your motivation in posting this psychologically revealing, incomplete, meta, sentence fragment.

Spiney O’Sullivan
13/10/2018 11:24:44 am

Not only did this totally refute my issues with Lovecraft’s writing, it also wasn’t a bizarre set of slippery-slope fallacies. Cool.

Stoo
13/10/2018 03:17:53 pm

The "PC ruleset" can be a bit fussy sometimes, but 80% of the time just amounts to "have some respect for people who are a different race\gender\sexuality to you".

I think we can admit that some much-loved authors were a bit racist whilst still appreciating their other merits.

Libtards
13/10/2018 03:29:15 pm

Digitiser comments section - soon to be implementing the all-new Google Woke Captca. That'll weed out those pesky critical thinkers and their logic based views.
Safe Spaces For Everybody!

sonicshrimp
13/10/2018 05:48:38 pm

I think this is all my fault. I racially stereotyped mad dog mcgruff and his chorizo in the super CD article. Must have got people all riled up.

I'm sorry everyone.

Spiney O’Sullivan
13/10/2018 06:46:24 pm

Way to destroy western civilisation, sonicshrimp.

Col. Asdasd
12/10/2018 01:00:50 pm

Lemmings had a pretty dire port on the NES. The lemming count was reduced to twenty, spawn rate was fixed, the game suffered slowdown and sprite flicker and of course you had to play with a d-pad instead of a mouse.

On the plus side feeding those iconic tracks through the NES sound chip produced pretty good results, especially if you don't care for midi (the audio format that only its mother could love).

It was a testament to the strength of the original game that, despite these many flaws, the game was still a pretty good time.

Reply
Spiney O'Sullivan
12/10/2018 02:41:22 pm

I had it on the Gameboy. If you thought the NES one was frustrating, imagine playing it entirely in green.

Though to be fair, I did like it at the time, and squeezing it onto that system in a remotely playable form was quite an achievement. The music was also a highlight given the system's limitations.

Reply
Grembot
12/10/2018 06:04:41 pm

A quick look on eBay indicates that it’s not unreasonable to give both these Lemmings ports a go. Cheers for the suggestions people.

Man, Lemmings was great wasn’t it? I wonder why I hated 2: The Tribes so much.

Robobob
13/10/2018 12:05:38 am

"They've got Jim Carrey as Robotnik"

I honestly can't tell if this is genuine or not.

Reply
Spiney O’Sullivan
13/10/2018 11:28:20 am

It is actually true. Every single time you read something about this film and go “no, really?”, it is true. It’s going to be a truly bizarre mess of a thing.

Reply
James walker link
13/10/2018 11:25:27 pm

Disney should buy Sega.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    This section will not be visible in live published website. Below are your current settings:


    Current Number Of Columns are = 2

    Expand Posts Area =

    Gap/Space Between Posts = 12px

    Blog Post Style = card

    Use of custom card colors instead of default colors = 1

    Blog Post Card Background Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Shadow Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Border Color = current color

    Publish the website and visit your blog page to see the results

    Picture
    Support Me on Ko-fi
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    RSS Feed Widget
    Picture

    Picture
    Tweets by @mrbiffo
    Picture
    Follow us on The Facebook

    Picture

    Archives

    December 2022
    May 2022
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    November 2020
    September 2020
    July 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014


    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ