If you won't be in attendance, worry not - my crackling sexual chemistry with Gannon will shortly be seen on screen in Digitiser The Show, which is coming perilously close to release. Heck, you might even see Eli Silverman in a few episodes.
Stay girded for further details on the actual release date...
If you'd like to appear here, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone, or you've got a picture of a bin you wish to share, please send your filthy emails to this place here: email@example.com
Hello Biffo. Games, eh? They're good aren't they. Well, at least they were. But now it's a mixed bag. In the 80s they were all fantastic. Except they weren't.
Where am I going with this? I'll tell you now. We (that is, myself and Bunty) have a YouTube channel where we do a live stream of us playing bad video games from the olden days. More accurately, it's me loading up really bad video games from the olden days and watching Bunty get incredibly frustrated with them. We're doing this regularly(ish) on Friday nights.
You can see our last stream here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYCGR6SqkjE
It features that awful text adventure "Soho Sex Quest" that you mentioned on Digi! We were all horrified. And not just at the game.
Our channel is at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChzE50rpphVkW_Ucgj7wl7g because we don't have enough subscribers to get a fancy channel address yet. So hit that like and subscribe button, or something!
Thank you kindly,
Nikki and Bunty (a.k.a. Two Girls, One Video Editor)
I'm stuck on that bit in Zelda. You know, where you have to open that door, but there's a monster thing that is in the way, and some rocks. Can you help please?
Why can’t we have a civil conversation online? Recently I commented on a rival website about how offensive HP Lovecraft was, I quoted examples of his bilious racism, quoting his Aryan philosophy directly from one of his books, along with his crappy writing (how many adjectives do you need son!?).
I was negged to f***! Which makes me think, one of the following must be true:
- Gamergate broke gaming and games journalism, and now we live in a binary world (pun intended) – spewing our own hate vomit at one another.
- Gaming was always broken, it is the creation of nihilistic power fantasies for people who have none.
- There are just more vocal arseholes in the world, but specifically gaming, and they feel their opinion is valid and should be spunked all over the interwebs.
- As gaming became more popular, appeasing the braying masses became key, and with them came all the people who scream WHOOOOOOOOO as people are making news reports.
- 9/11 broke the world, and we’ve never recovered.
I don’t know. It is strange as I used to wear being a gamer with pride, now I’m embarrassed to tell people I am excited for the next Red Dead in case they think I’m some mouth breathing, neck-bearded incel who has an anime avatar and an obvious love of fascism. Any advice appreciated.
John Matrix (not my real name – but the one from Commando)
I had some angry fellow try to goad me into a Twitter fight the other day, seemingly because he hadn't liked one of my Retro Gamer columns. He used "woke" as a term of abuse, and insisted I must be "butthurt" over his daring attacks.
Essentially, when you read into the behaviour, there's a real sense of powerlessness. They want to feel they have some degree of control over their lives, and even when it isn't there they're prone to projecting it onto situations, and blaming those they see as a threat. That's often why it's important, if you're getting grief on social media, to remember that the grief-deliverer is basically acting out a form of empty chair therapy. It's not about you most of the time; it's what they see you as.
And sometimes you'll be doing the same back at them.
And thus, much as I feel sorry for them and have a weird urge to help, these people are eminently ignorable.
Mr Biffo, I am excited to announce that I have completed the final draft of my soon to be released book The Evolution of Gamepads.
This not-quite-an-encyclopedia will be submitted for line editing this weekend. The book is 200 pages of pictures, details, explanations, and fun facts about that all important interface between you and the game.
I am looking forward to the Digitiser episodes. Can't wait to see them!
I’ve been playing Doom on the SNES for the first time and all things considered it’s brilliant. There’s something about a game being ported to a console that has no right having it that really hits my spot, especially if it’s got a combination of rubbishness and yet somehow still being the thing it’s meant to be.
Not too long ago I played another SNES enhancement chip game in Street Fighter Alpha 2. Side by side with the Saturn version it’d be terrible but in isolation it feels like the full game (albeit with a huge pause between it telling you “fight” and when you actually get to “fight”), I can imagine a stupid child in 1996 would think it was the bees shins.
And I might be remembering this wrong but I think Virtua Racing on the Megadrive was too good of anything! As if it had been made with witchcraft and devilry.
Inevitably I want you to discuss ports, feel free to not use these questions as a framework for your thoughts:
1. What is the best port?
2. What is the best port of something that shouldn’t have been attempted?
3. What is the worst port?
4. What is the worst port of something that shouldn’t have been attempted?
Weirdly, I was playing Doom on the SNES the other day as well. I'd forgotten how solid it actually was. It's a big shame it didn't arrive sooner because by the time it showed up on a console, PC first-person shooters had moved on. There wasn't the fuss made about it that there might've been a year or two perviously.
Anyhow. What is the best port? Well, depends on your definition of 'best'. I mean, there have been some absolutely arcade-perfect ones. Given that I talked about it earlier this week, there were certainly some arcade-perfect home versions of Dragon's Lair (as well as at least one very dodgy platformer). But, pretty as it was, it's a terrible game.
Worst ports? Off the top of my head... Super Monaco GP on the Mega Drive. The arcade version was gorgeous, and the Mega Drive port received some incredibly positive reviews... and then I played it, and it was SO boring. Basically, they removed ALL the scenery. It was one of the most dull games, visually, of all time - barely a step up from Pole Position. So, that.
Has Dan Farrimond plugged Block Party 2018 yet?
If not, it's happening next weekend, in Wigan, and entry is free.
Teletext! Silly pictures! Not that far from Play Expo Blackpool! Free!
I am most perplexed, annoyed and dumbfounded by Mr T telling me I cannot play with his bins. Every week he leaves his bins in MY yard, I tell him to move them and the only response I ever get is “Shut up Fool!”
It’s hardly how a civilised person should act!
Last week I heard him screaming in his front yard towards the sky, turns out he was yelling at the planes...he doesn’t like them apparently. What a strange man, maybe some Cold spaghetti will sort him out?
The Gaming Muso
Sorted, Biffo, my fam!
I just wanted to clear up last week's nasal enhancement query regarding virtual headsets. I have been in touch with Mr Big, boss of Mega Games Corporation©, who tells me that I am an idiot.
After that he stated that nasal plugs were never "a thing" but that electro-jolt butt plugs should be available by 2040 at the latest. "Bum Buzzers©" he calls them.
Would you care to add to my Kickstarter game "Bad Boy Botty Bother" which I'm releasing on the Tomytronic 3-D?
As ever, your humble servant,
You’ll have seen there’s a Sonic the Hedgehog film coming out next year. I really don’t know why. At least when the Mario film was made the games were a phenomenon, and the film itself is bonkers enough to be interesting for 20 minutes until the fact that it’s total garbage makes you turn the telly over.
Who’s the audience for a Sonic film? I’m guessing middle-aged men like me looking for a blast of nostalgia and ironic laughs. When me and Neil went on the Sonic ride at Alton Towers a few years we both agreed that the only reason it was still a Sonic ride is that they couldn’t be bothered repainting it as Sonic has, you know, had his day.
Though I might go see it if they’ve got the nutcases who did that bizarre, pervy Sonic fan-art that you wrote about a while back do the animation.
Apologies if you’re one of the writers on the film. If so I’m sure it will be great. Though IMDB says you’re not. Though you should be. A writer on the film, that is.
As somebody who wrote a film based upon a dog who won a talent competition, I'm probably the wrong person to be asking about it though.
Hiya Mr Biffo, I hope you are well. I am well. One of the cool things about Digitiser then and now (possibly more now) is that you’ve managed to get it like a cool gang that it’s ace to be a part of, I dunno, but how would you feel if it became massive and covered in The MSM (mainstream media)?
Would it lose it’s cool edge like a band that only a few people knows about that got big. I think you know what I mean. I think.
Personally I reckon that’d be ace but y’know, whatevs.
You know what might be ace? Digitiser The Movie, obvs next level after the show yeah!?! I know other YouTube loonies Ashens and Angry Video Game Nerd have done it. What say you, Biff?
Anyway, I’ve rambled on too much now, catch you on the flip side!!!
Ps: got me a JXD s7800 Android gaming tablet for 25 squid in cash generator! Got to put it away for Xmas tho! Hooray!
Whatever I do when I'm indulging the sorts of things I want to do - stupid listicles on here, or Mr Biffo's Found Footage - they seem to end up as too weird to ever get any mainstream attention.
I suppose the best chance of Digi becoming massive is Digitiser the Show - and I did have a moment recently where I thought "Shit... this is actually pretty good... what if it becomes really popular?!" - but ultimately, you've got me as the gatekeeper of all things Digi, and I'm in it because I enjoy the creative side of it, rather than it being some pursuit of fame.
At my age I couldn't think of anything worse, or more disruptive, than being famous - so it's something I'll resist at every opportunity. Except when it affords me the freedom to do more of what I love. Thus: please all plug the show whenever you can. If we can get more people interested then we might be able to raise more money for a second series.
But I’ve been wondering all week... how exactly DID The Man lose his driving licence?
So, there you go, Danno. YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING AN ACTUAL ANSWER WERE YOU??!!
222) Do you think that there is a chance of Nintendo being bought by Disney in the Future?
223) What do you think will be the main change in the upcoming next generation of console games, with reports of the PS5/Xbox being in development?
224) What type of previously popular game do you think that, even if done well, would not work today? For example, I cannot imagine an RTS being a huge hit right now because it seems like it isn't the right time.
Also, Nintendo has just signed a massive theme park deal with Disney's rivals Universal, and with Disney already having to swallow a pre-acquisition super-heroes deal between Universal and Marvel, I suspect the only IPs they're going to be interested in buying now are ones they can exploit in all their parks. So... chances of it happening are slim to none.
223) Pfffffff. I dunno. I've been thinking about this, and - really - what can they offer other than better graphics? Personally, I feel it's too soon, even if the PS4 is five years old. I've been playing the new Assassin's Creed, and it's stunning to look at. I've no real desire to upgrade anytime soon. The big change that's on the horizon - though whether Sony and Microsoft go there remains to be seen - is game streaming, I think. Which is obviously going to threaten high-street games shops.
224) I started writing an article about how I'd fix Command & Conquer, and then bored myself with it. I reckon that RTS games could work with the right approach. I mean, both Fortnite and Minecraft borrow from the genre in different ways. It's about finding a way of packaging the experience so that it appeals to as many people as possible.
I don't think there are necessarily any genres that wouldn't work now if done right. It's just a case of reimagining them. Even text adventures can have their place - I've played some great interactive fiction on my phone.
Anyway. That's it. Plug Digitiser The Show and subscribe to the YouTube channel. Back me on Patreon. Buy tickets to see us at Play Expo Blackpool.