Starting this Friday, we've a new sort of video appearing on the Digitiser2000 channel - featuring Mr Paul Gannon and myself, ON CAMERA, playing a silly quiz thing while sharing a bunch of Game Boy memories and facts. It's a splendid little video, and I trust it'll go some way to filling a Digitiser The Show-shaped "hole" in your life.
Currently, I've got about two months' worth of videos banked - a mix of the more heavily factual stuff I've been doing, and more on-camera bits and bobs, looking at old and unusual gaming hardware. I'm very proud of what we have in store.
Part of the reason we're doing this is to try and build the channel - so please watch and share - and to also use it as a sort of test bed for how we might create Series 2 of Digitiser The Show, My aim is to spread the budget a little further. In short: if we can do the at-the-desk stuff really. really cheaply, then we might be able to do some bigger and more ambitious set-pieces, of the sort we'd hoped to feature in Series 1.
Indeed, we're getting the whole team together in a couple of weeks to film some more stuff with that in mind. But for now... make sure you check out Gannon and I doing some our sillies. Unless you're a Patreon supporter, and have already seen it, in which case... watch it again.
If you'd like to appear here, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone, or you've got a picture of a bin you wish to share, please send your filthy emails to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
Currently, I've got about two months' worth of videos banked - a mix of the more heavily factual stuff I've been doing, and more on-camera bits and bobs, looking at old and unusual gaming hardware. I'm very proud of what we have in store.
Part of the reason we're doing this is to try and build the channel - so please watch and share - and to also use it as a sort of test bed for how we might create Series 2 of Digitiser The Show, My aim is to spread the budget a little further. In short: if we can do the at-the-desk stuff really. really cheaply, then we might be able to do some bigger and more ambitious set-pieces, of the sort we'd hoped to feature in Series 1.
Indeed, we're getting the whole team together in a couple of weeks to film some more stuff with that in mind. But for now... make sure you check out Gannon and I doing some our sillies. Unless you're a Patreon supporter, and have already seen it, in which case... watch it again.
If you'd like to appear here, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone, or you've got a picture of a bin you wish to share, please send your filthy emails to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
BILLY NO-PLAY-TES
Has there ever been a game you really, really wanted to play, then never got round to it for some reason?
General Noriega
Has there ever been a game you really, really wanted to play, then never got round to it for some reason?
General Noriega
Hunh. Well, at the risk of continuing to sound like Hypey McHypeman... I've got a video coming up - probably next week - in which I reveal a previously unknown Sega gaming system, which had the potential to be rather awesome. I got very excited when I discovered it. I did actual research and everything! I would have loved to have played it.
Also: Superhot VR. Still haven't gotten around to playing that, due to vomit reasons.
Also: Superhot VR. Still haven't gotten around to playing that, due to vomit reasons.
THE INEVITABLE POO STORY
You like a good poo story, but this is a bit long so feel free to split it up into two parts if you so wish.
PART 1
I met up with some friends for just a few drinks on a Saturday lunchtime, as you do, but one thing led to another and we were soon into double digits. Feeling quite arseholed I eventually decided it was time I went home for something to eat.
Upon my arrival home I searched the cupboards for anything to tickle my tastebuds, but alas nothing took my fancy. However, opening my fridge was something akin to a religious experience. A shining white light, as if from God himself (but more likely the bulb in the fridge), highlighted the leftover chilli con carne I'd made the day before.
I whacked it into the microwave, cracked open a can of Strongbow, and wolfed it all down in front of the TV. Due to still feeling a bit hungry I then proceeded to eat a jar of Garner's fantastic pickled onions and a 1/2 kilo of cheese.
With my belly now a bit stuffed I put my feet up and expected to doze off while watching whatever dross was available (this was around 2000 so no On Demand, Netflix or YouTube), but then my phone rang...
My friend had an argument with his missus so he wanted to get out of the house and go for a drive to let off some steam, and was calling to see if I'd go along with him. I wasn't doing anything so I loaded up with supplies (more Strongbow and a big bag of Phileas Fogg Tortilla Chips - not those crap ones you can get today). He promptly picked me up and we drove off, destination unknown. (I should mention that the Strongbow was for me, my friend who was driving had no alcohol - don't drink and drive!)
We talked about the missus troubles, listened to some tunes, and all was good for a while, but I soon began to experience a case of the dreaded grumble guts. If it was a movie of my life the camera would've zoomed in on my face and that noise from Inception would've played at this exact moment of realisation that I was in trouble.
'Oh God. We need to find a toilet, FAST!'
The problem was we didn't know the area well and were currently trundling along a dual carriageway. Luckily for me (and my friend's car) we saw a Chinese restaurant in the distance, lit up like a beacon in the night on the other side of the road. My friend put his foot down so we could swing back at the next roundabout.
I don't do running (unless it's last orders at the bar), but I could've beaten Usain Bolt in a sprint to the bogs that day. Sweating profusely from the running, the anxiety of shitting myself and likely the copious pints of alcohol seeping through my pores, I was finally able to sit down and give a huge sigh of relief. My bunghole then released a fury akin to that of Mount Vesuvius blowing.
After a lot of wiping, once my arse had finally finished twitching, I flushed the toilet. To my horror the water kept rising due to the amount of paper used (it was a really messy arsehole). The water proceeded to exceed the height of the bowl and spill out onto the floor, getting onto my lovely but now ruined trainers in the process.
There was zero chance I could've cleaned up that mess so I attempted to nonchalantly walk out of the toilets through the restaurant and back to the car, which wasn't easy as I was leaving shitty footprints with each step. During this time I was unaware that the torrent of arse water had followed me under the gap at the bottom of the door from the toilets. A lot of pointing, shouting and screaming from the staff ensued, so I did what any man would - I legged it.
'GO GO GO!'
And off we went, closely followed by a car full of irate restaurant people, speeding away down some twisting and narrow country lanes to eventually lose them...
<TO BE CONTINUED>
Steve
You like a good poo story, but this is a bit long so feel free to split it up into two parts if you so wish.
PART 1
I met up with some friends for just a few drinks on a Saturday lunchtime, as you do, but one thing led to another and we were soon into double digits. Feeling quite arseholed I eventually decided it was time I went home for something to eat.
Upon my arrival home I searched the cupboards for anything to tickle my tastebuds, but alas nothing took my fancy. However, opening my fridge was something akin to a religious experience. A shining white light, as if from God himself (but more likely the bulb in the fridge), highlighted the leftover chilli con carne I'd made the day before.
I whacked it into the microwave, cracked open a can of Strongbow, and wolfed it all down in front of the TV. Due to still feeling a bit hungry I then proceeded to eat a jar of Garner's fantastic pickled onions and a 1/2 kilo of cheese.
With my belly now a bit stuffed I put my feet up and expected to doze off while watching whatever dross was available (this was around 2000 so no On Demand, Netflix or YouTube), but then my phone rang...
My friend had an argument with his missus so he wanted to get out of the house and go for a drive to let off some steam, and was calling to see if I'd go along with him. I wasn't doing anything so I loaded up with supplies (more Strongbow and a big bag of Phileas Fogg Tortilla Chips - not those crap ones you can get today). He promptly picked me up and we drove off, destination unknown. (I should mention that the Strongbow was for me, my friend who was driving had no alcohol - don't drink and drive!)
We talked about the missus troubles, listened to some tunes, and all was good for a while, but I soon began to experience a case of the dreaded grumble guts. If it was a movie of my life the camera would've zoomed in on my face and that noise from Inception would've played at this exact moment of realisation that I was in trouble.
'Oh God. We need to find a toilet, FAST!'
The problem was we didn't know the area well and were currently trundling along a dual carriageway. Luckily for me (and my friend's car) we saw a Chinese restaurant in the distance, lit up like a beacon in the night on the other side of the road. My friend put his foot down so we could swing back at the next roundabout.
I don't do running (unless it's last orders at the bar), but I could've beaten Usain Bolt in a sprint to the bogs that day. Sweating profusely from the running, the anxiety of shitting myself and likely the copious pints of alcohol seeping through my pores, I was finally able to sit down and give a huge sigh of relief. My bunghole then released a fury akin to that of Mount Vesuvius blowing.
After a lot of wiping, once my arse had finally finished twitching, I flushed the toilet. To my horror the water kept rising due to the amount of paper used (it was a really messy arsehole). The water proceeded to exceed the height of the bowl and spill out onto the floor, getting onto my lovely but now ruined trainers in the process.
There was zero chance I could've cleaned up that mess so I attempted to nonchalantly walk out of the toilets through the restaurant and back to the car, which wasn't easy as I was leaving shitty footprints with each step. During this time I was unaware that the torrent of arse water had followed me under the gap at the bottom of the door from the toilets. A lot of pointing, shouting and screaming from the staff ensued, so I did what any man would - I legged it.
'GO GO GO!'
And off we went, closely followed by a car full of irate restaurant people, speeding away down some twisting and narrow country lanes to eventually lose them...
<TO BE CONTINUED>
Steve
This poo story thing is getting out of hand. I'm not sure I've ever really expressed wanting poo stories on here. Though yours - which I have, as per your suggestion, split into two - is certainly a top (bottom?) tier one.
Stay tuned for part two, everyone!
Stay tuned for part two, everyone!
NO-ONE HAS TO PLAY
Have you played 'No-one has to die'?
It's a fun and interesting game and I highly recommend it. It's a fairly short play, maybe 40 minutes to two hours depending on how fast a reader you are. It's an independently developed flash game and it's available here: https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/615863
Also, I had a really nice poo last night. It started a bit quickly and slopped out extremely fast and wet, but once it finished it was nice and solid and I only needed to wipe my bum twice.
Thank you for all you do,
Chai (@findmethewords)
Have you played 'No-one has to die'?
It's a fun and interesting game and I highly recommend it. It's a fairly short play, maybe 40 minutes to two hours depending on how fast a reader you are. It's an independently developed flash game and it's available here: https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/615863
Also, I had a really nice poo last night. It started a bit quickly and slopped out extremely fast and wet, but once it finished it was nice and solid and I only needed to wipe my bum twice.
Thank you for all you do,
Chai (@findmethewords)
Jesus. Stop mentioning poo...! Even I have my limits.
I have not played No-One Has To Die, though I've seen a few people mention it. Therefore: I shall play it immediately after finishing this letters page.
I have not played No-One Has To Die, though I've seen a few people mention it. Therefore: I shall play it immediately after finishing this letters page.
GOSSILATION
I would quite like to see an animated series involving Gossi, Morse & Lewis taking down the evil Snakes.
Not all that posh CGI like you get these days but all messy like Roobarb was.
Failing that if budgetary issues are a concern, you could just borrow a Border Collie and have it chase a few draught excluders about and film that for a few seconds?
Matt
I would quite like to see an animated series involving Gossi, Morse & Lewis taking down the evil Snakes.
Not all that posh CGI like you get these days but all messy like Roobarb was.
Failing that if budgetary issues are a concern, you could just borrow a Border Collie and have it chase a few draught excluders about and film that for a few seconds?
Matt
I'd quite like to bring Gossi into Series 2 of Digi as a foil for Fat Sow. You know: like when Keith Harris and Orville were joined by Cuddles the Monkey.
NOTHING TO SAY
...Biffo. Not sure what to say. Keep up the good work.
Luke Hellwyck
...Biffo. Not sure what to say. Keep up the good work.
Luke Hellwyck
Will do!
A HAIKO
Dear Mr Biffo,
Look here i wrote a letter;
Also a Haiku.
Need more syllables,
So I will write another;
To say it was
Goggz
Dear Mr Biffo,
Look here i wrote a letter;
Also a Haiku.
Need more syllables,
So I will write another;
To say it was
Goggz
I DON'T WANT ANYMORE HAIKUS.
WILMOTT-BROWNAROUND
Dear Mr Bisto,
Over recent months I've been enjoying episodes of "Classic Eastenders" as an accompaniment to my dinner. Having never watched it before I'm really enjoying the high levels of unexpected nonsense, Pete Beale has only just stopped wearing his cowboy hat, Dot and Ethel regularly dabble their toes in the sea of madness, and Mike Read has just turned up (insert giving Pat the Runaround joke).
I remember Digi having a fascination with the show, so looking forward to finding out what the whole Kissy Kissy Bianca was all about. Also, did Digi name check Wilmott-Brown? Can't think of any other reason for knowing his name.
Sorry this letter has nothing to do with gaming or poo.
Love and Kissy Kissy
Treacle Truffle
Dear Mr Bisto,
Over recent months I've been enjoying episodes of "Classic Eastenders" as an accompaniment to my dinner. Having never watched it before I'm really enjoying the high levels of unexpected nonsense, Pete Beale has only just stopped wearing his cowboy hat, Dot and Ethel regularly dabble their toes in the sea of madness, and Mike Read has just turned up (insert giving Pat the Runaround joke).
I remember Digi having a fascination with the show, so looking forward to finding out what the whole Kissy Kissy Bianca was all about. Also, did Digi name check Wilmott-Brown? Can't think of any other reason for knowing his name.
Sorry this letter has nothing to do with gaming or poo.
Love and Kissy Kissy
Treacle Truffle
Yes, we were forever banging on about EastEnders, so it's highly likely we featured Wilmott-Brown in some capacity. It is my sincere hope that he was a sort of Power Ranger-like figure, and a member of a team in which there were other Wilmotts of varying hues; Wilmott-Pink, Willmott-Puce etc...
CONCERN
Hello Paul,
I'm concerned that on the Friday letters page 25.01.19 you called Graham Linehan a "repellent transphobe".
I know this ideology is pushed a lot by the transsexual mob, but Graham is talking sense and is the best voice for normal, real women in the centre-left. I'd much rather you kept politics away from Digitiser2000, but if you must include them at least talk sense.
All that said, I enjoy reading Digitiser2000. Are there any consoles or systems you refuse to use on principle?
Regards,
Simon Westley
Hello Paul,
I'm concerned that on the Friday letters page 25.01.19 you called Graham Linehan a "repellent transphobe".
I know this ideology is pushed a lot by the transsexual mob, but Graham is talking sense and is the best voice for normal, real women in the centre-left. I'd much rather you kept politics away from Digitiser2000, but if you must include them at least talk sense.
All that said, I enjoy reading Digitiser2000. Are there any consoles or systems you refuse to use on principle?
Regards,
Simon Westley
With the greatest of respect, I hope you don't mean I shouldn't express my opinions unless you happen to agree with them, Simon, while using phrases like "transsexual mob" feels a bit dehumanising to me.
All I can say is... I try to write honestly on here, and when I was writing the letters page that day my blood was boiling. As the father of a trans son, I've more reason to have a degree of personal investment in the debate than some, so I've kept a close eye on Linehan's account over the past couple of years. It had taken me that long to say anything - partly because I know it's such a hot-button topic, partly out of respect to the privacy one of my kids, and partly because I wanted to feel confident of where I stood.
Plus... he and I work in the same industry, so... y'know. It has the potential to be awkward.
I do feel that he would stand a much better chance of getting any valid points across if he was a little more respectful and empathic, and didn't call anyone who disagreed with him an "arsehole". There seems to be little effort to reach out, just a lot of reinforcing an echo-chamber.
I mean, one of the guys who does that Cyanide and Happiness comic disagreed with him the other day, and then he spent several tweets belittling his work - which was entirely aside from the issues he seems so obsessed with. When he behaves that way - as he often does - he just comes across as incredibly petty and mean-spirited.
But! Rest assured, I'd had no intention of talking about it on here again.
I'm not saying I won't, but this is primarily a games site, and I'd rather just focus on the escapist, unifying, aspects of gaming, because life is already grim and full of division. And, let's face it, with a subject like this, both sides are so entrenched that nothing is going to change those opinions. Least of all by being brutally rude to people on Twitter.
So... in that spirit... no, I can't think there are any consoles or games I won't play on principle. Although... I don't suppose you know what Graham Linehan's favourite console is?
It's just a joke!!!
All I can say is... I try to write honestly on here, and when I was writing the letters page that day my blood was boiling. As the father of a trans son, I've more reason to have a degree of personal investment in the debate than some, so I've kept a close eye on Linehan's account over the past couple of years. It had taken me that long to say anything - partly because I know it's such a hot-button topic, partly out of respect to the privacy one of my kids, and partly because I wanted to feel confident of where I stood.
Plus... he and I work in the same industry, so... y'know. It has the potential to be awkward.
I do feel that he would stand a much better chance of getting any valid points across if he was a little more respectful and empathic, and didn't call anyone who disagreed with him an "arsehole". There seems to be little effort to reach out, just a lot of reinforcing an echo-chamber.
I mean, one of the guys who does that Cyanide and Happiness comic disagreed with him the other day, and then he spent several tweets belittling his work - which was entirely aside from the issues he seems so obsessed with. When he behaves that way - as he often does - he just comes across as incredibly petty and mean-spirited.
But! Rest assured, I'd had no intention of talking about it on here again.
I'm not saying I won't, but this is primarily a games site, and I'd rather just focus on the escapist, unifying, aspects of gaming, because life is already grim and full of division. And, let's face it, with a subject like this, both sides are so entrenched that nothing is going to change those opinions. Least of all by being brutally rude to people on Twitter.
So... in that spirit... no, I can't think there are any consoles or games I won't play on principle. Although... I don't suppose you know what Graham Linehan's favourite console is?
It's just a joke!!!
SMELL THE ROSSES
Hello. Do you sometimes get mistaken for Paul Ross?
Your regards sincerely,
Daph Blake (aged 48)
Hello. Do you sometimes get mistaken for Paul Ross?
Your regards sincerely,
Daph Blake (aged 48)
No.
BIRD WATCHING
Just one quick thing; Is Digitiser ever going to be on Twitch? Will it have any interaction with the audience and if not, will it ever be on live like Teletext Digitiser was? (Maybe not live on Teletext, but it had a timestamp).
From the guy who's probably gonna be copystriked by the BBC for reviewing Biffovision
Just one quick thing; Is Digitiser ever going to be on Twitch? Will it have any interaction with the audience and if not, will it ever be on live like Teletext Digitiser was? (Maybe not live on Teletext, but it had a timestamp).
From the guy who's probably gonna be copystriked by the BBC for reviewing Biffovision
Honestly? I don't really understand Twitch. I suppose it's something I'm going to have to look into if I continue trying to build the Digisphere. At the minute, though, with producing weekly videos, and writing this site, and setting up Digi live shows, and series 2, and fulfilling backer rewards, and having a day job, and a family, and whatnot... it's fairly far down the list of priorities.
If I did do Twitch... what would you like to see on there?
If I did do Twitch... what would you like to see on there?
PLUGZONE
After being led to the astonishingly great Derek Findas (youtube.com/channel/UCUNc-5F-VAzj7bL9XOlVSFA)by your Twitter, I was wondering what other smaller or perhaps lesser known YouTubers would you like to give a shout out to?
Some of mine are BastichB 64k (youtube.com/user/BrendanRandall) who covers a lot of C64 related things.
Jaws19 (youtube.com/channel/UCiuK-zNZFFGddnYuFt7VRHQ) who covers movies and such.
Luca Stricagnoli (youtube.com/channel/UCnXQJu45EMrCKBxvk5Sicpg) makes lovely sounds for you ears.
Modern History TV (youtube.com/channel/UCMjlDOf0UO9wSijFqPE9wBw) which has an ongoing series covering the life and work of a medieval knight.
Scrap Wood City (youtube.com/channel/UCocEQojx6I6s9K_Ah2rTSlQ) incredible wood work to make yourself feel inadequate.
And one more as a bonus... youtube.com/user/NASAtelevision - I will often just put on the
'NASA Live: Earth Views from the Space Station' stream just for background viewing. Dead relaxing.
Jonno
After being led to the astonishingly great Derek Findas (youtube.com/channel/UCUNc-5F-VAzj7bL9XOlVSFA)by your Twitter, I was wondering what other smaller or perhaps lesser known YouTubers would you like to give a shout out to?
Some of mine are BastichB 64k (youtube.com/user/BrendanRandall) who covers a lot of C64 related things.
Jaws19 (youtube.com/channel/UCiuK-zNZFFGddnYuFt7VRHQ) who covers movies and such.
Luca Stricagnoli (youtube.com/channel/UCnXQJu45EMrCKBxvk5Sicpg) makes lovely sounds for you ears.
Modern History TV (youtube.com/channel/UCMjlDOf0UO9wSijFqPE9wBw) which has an ongoing series covering the life and work of a medieval knight.
Scrap Wood City (youtube.com/channel/UCocEQojx6I6s9K_Ah2rTSlQ) incredible wood work to make yourself feel inadequate.
And one more as a bonus... youtube.com/user/NASAtelevision - I will often just put on the
'NASA Live: Earth Views from the Space Station' stream just for background viewing. Dead relaxing.
Jonno
Glad I managed to get you watching Derek Findas. It's criminal how few views he gets. Outside of the usual retro gaming culprits, the channels I do watch are mostly all theme park-related or travel vlogs. and none of them are - particularly - small channels.
There's not much on there, but Asperger's Are Us have a few of their sketches on their channel (I have a soft spot for the Elton John one). And I consider this a work of genius:
There's not much on there, but Asperger's Are Us have a few of their sketches on their channel (I have a soft spot for the Elton John one). And I consider this a work of genius:
500 Qs OF WHYTE
Coming to you live from the Signature Care Emergency Room, 11103 Westheimer Road, in Houston.
281) If you were to copy Edge Magazine's slightly pretentious 'retrospective 10s,' what would you choose?
282) Which game is the best direct sequel ever?
283) Is there anything common to 8-bit, especially Spectrum, game design that you'd like to see more of in modern games?
284) I think that the best game boxes, visually at least, were those of the original Playstation - what would you say?
285) What do you value more in game design - a genuinely original style/idea/execution, or the perfection of an existing form?
John Whyte
PS. Never let it be said that I don't put in effort to write in
Coming to you live from the Signature Care Emergency Room, 11103 Westheimer Road, in Houston.
281) If you were to copy Edge Magazine's slightly pretentious 'retrospective 10s,' what would you choose?
282) Which game is the best direct sequel ever?
283) Is there anything common to 8-bit, especially Spectrum, game design that you'd like to see more of in modern games?
284) I think that the best game boxes, visually at least, were those of the original Playstation - what would you say?
285) What do you value more in game design - a genuinely original style/idea/execution, or the perfection of an existing form?
John Whyte
PS. Never let it be said that I don't put in effort to write in
John, what's going on? Why are you in hospital in Houston? Do you have Americanitis? Whatever is wrong, GET WELL IMMEDIATELY!
281) I've not read Edge in years, so I had to look up what this Retrospective 10s thing was. It's re-scoring games they've mistakenly under or over-scored first time around yes? Certainly, there are a few games from the Digi days where we got a bit swept up in the hype. Final Fantasy VII and Eternal Champions are the two which spring immediately to mind.
282) If we're talking numbered sequels, Super Mario Bros. 3 would be up there. Also, sorry to bang on about it, but Half-Life 2, obviously. Even Sonic 2 is in with a shout.
283) Yes! More games with a distinctly British feel to them. I'm talking about games like Skool Daze, Jack The Nipper and Everyone's A Wally - which were set in a distinctly recognisable British world. I miss that.
284) I always quite liked the Dreamcast boxes. The were basically PlayStation boxes, but with that nice Sega blue, and with slightly more roundedness.
285) Man, that's hard. In terms of perfecting an existing form, perfection is in the eye of the beholder - so it'd have to be "perfecting" something I already liked. Therefore... probably original style and execution. Not least because I'm growing tired of identikit open world games. And games with people in sci-fi armour that all looks like it was made by the same manufacturer.
281) I've not read Edge in years, so I had to look up what this Retrospective 10s thing was. It's re-scoring games they've mistakenly under or over-scored first time around yes? Certainly, there are a few games from the Digi days where we got a bit swept up in the hype. Final Fantasy VII and Eternal Champions are the two which spring immediately to mind.
282) If we're talking numbered sequels, Super Mario Bros. 3 would be up there. Also, sorry to bang on about it, but Half-Life 2, obviously. Even Sonic 2 is in with a shout.
283) Yes! More games with a distinctly British feel to them. I'm talking about games like Skool Daze, Jack The Nipper and Everyone's A Wally - which were set in a distinctly recognisable British world. I miss that.
284) I always quite liked the Dreamcast boxes. The were basically PlayStation boxes, but with that nice Sega blue, and with slightly more roundedness.
285) Man, that's hard. In terms of perfecting an existing form, perfection is in the eye of the beholder - so it'd have to be "perfecting" something I already liked. Therefore... probably original style and execution. Not least because I'm growing tired of identikit open world games. And games with people in sci-fi armour that all looks like it was made by the same manufacturer.
THE POO CONTINUES
<PART 2>
You may think that was the end of my shitty tale, but you'd be wrong as this also wasn't the end of the gurgling guts that evening.
While going down one of the country lanes my insides were still churning and I really needed to go again, but unfortunately there were embankments on either side of the road over 10ft high so there was nowhere to pull over safely. It also didn't help that we almost hit a guy who was obviously pissed as a fart and staggering around in the middle of the road.
Eventually we spotted a small turning in to a field, so my friend slammed on the brakes, I leapt over the gate and ran off into the inky black of the night (I had a Nokia nk402/5110 at the time, so no fancy lights available to guide my way). As I was taking care of the unholy mess coming out of me like an over pumped Super Soaker, a light suddenly turned on behind me.
It became apparent that I was squatting down at the end of someone's garden. That was bad enough, but at that very moment of illumination I saw the drunk guy we'd almost hit on the road suddenly come out of the darkness and walk past me while I was in mid-squat doing my business.
'Good evening.', I said.
'Evening.', he replied, as he continued walking by.
I then had to carefully waddle forwards a few feet and take off my trainers, jeans and boxer shorts and wipe my arse with said boxer shorts. They were my favourite pair, my lucky boxers, although they obviously weren't lucky that day.
Upon returning to my friend's car, feeling utterly relieved and yet a bit despondent at losing my favourite boxer shorts, I see that he's laughing hysterically. He then shows me that he's got a full kitchen roll and a box of rags, which he kept in the car because he worked on National Grid sites and often got covered in oil.
'Thanks for telling me, you arsehole.'
Steve
PS. Loved Digitiser the show and can't wait for the next season! Keep up the good work. Moc-Moc!
<PART 2>
You may think that was the end of my shitty tale, but you'd be wrong as this also wasn't the end of the gurgling guts that evening.
While going down one of the country lanes my insides were still churning and I really needed to go again, but unfortunately there were embankments on either side of the road over 10ft high so there was nowhere to pull over safely. It also didn't help that we almost hit a guy who was obviously pissed as a fart and staggering around in the middle of the road.
Eventually we spotted a small turning in to a field, so my friend slammed on the brakes, I leapt over the gate and ran off into the inky black of the night (I had a Nokia nk402/5110 at the time, so no fancy lights available to guide my way). As I was taking care of the unholy mess coming out of me like an over pumped Super Soaker, a light suddenly turned on behind me.
It became apparent that I was squatting down at the end of someone's garden. That was bad enough, but at that very moment of illumination I saw the drunk guy we'd almost hit on the road suddenly come out of the darkness and walk past me while I was in mid-squat doing my business.
'Good evening.', I said.
'Evening.', he replied, as he continued walking by.
I then had to carefully waddle forwards a few feet and take off my trainers, jeans and boxer shorts and wipe my arse with said boxer shorts. They were my favourite pair, my lucky boxers, although they obviously weren't lucky that day.
Upon returning to my friend's car, feeling utterly relieved and yet a bit despondent at losing my favourite boxer shorts, I see that he's laughing hysterically. He then shows me that he's got a full kitchen roll and a box of rags, which he kept in the car because he worked on National Grid sites and often got covered in oil.
'Thanks for telling me, you arsehole.'
Steve
PS. Loved Digitiser the show and can't wait for the next season! Keep up the good work. Moc-Moc!
And that is the end of that. I'm sure plenty of the deviants reading this will have appreciated the effort you put in, Steve.
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