THE DIGITISER FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

Get a load of this: Yogscast fans are still leaving abusive messages on our YouTube channel. And it's great, because we've had loads of views and subscribers this week as a result of all that. What a load of old fuss over nothing it was, and yet it feels so very Digitiser to have offended an entire community.

​Long may it continue.

In other news... next week is my week to finally get all the Digitiser The Show Kickstarter rewards done. It has been a long time getting there - through a particularly challenging year - so I thank you all for your immense patience. Now, please, just read these letters. C'mon. Read them now. Why won't you read our letters? Just read the letters, yeah?

If you'd like to appear here, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone, or you've got a picture of a bin you wish to share, please send your filthy emails to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com​​​​​​​​​​​

BLOKES ON BOATS
Me and Mr.J (the wife) had a disagreement about the film Jumanji, where I told him that Robin Williams said 'Jumanji!' in pretty much every sentence, which was resolved by watching it.

I was disappointed to find this wasn't the case (with him only saying it several times, and a dubious one where child Robin Williams said it when they used the footage they filmed in 1969), however I am so stubborn I refuse to back down over this and still insist that my original belief is still the case regardless of proof.

Other ridiculous examples of this are my belief that there was no Star Trek film between First Contact and Nemesis, and I often see blank spaces in the TV guides or DVD shelves where others claim that there was another film, and that Captain Picard and the Enterprise D were there to meet Voyager when it came home from the Delta Quadrant (although with this one it was more to wind someone up as they attempted to correct me).

However, I'd like to think that him saying Jumanji all the time would have improved the film (and really excited those people who love hearing the name of the film/tv show used in the script), and towards the end I think I started making up my own film as my attention span isn't always that great, here's my recollection of how it ended (with added Man's Daddy, if I'm making it up why not eh?).
Mr S

Press reveal to see a scene from Jumanji:

REVEAL:

FELINE GOOD
Can you say hello to my cat, Mooncat, please?
Long live Beanus.   
Wan Kewoff

Press reveal for a special message for Mooncat:

REVEAL:

HATEUS
Hello!

My mum HATES the Beanus mask. She physically retched when she saw it. Something about it just really, really upsets her!

Also, very off topic but did you get the foot peely booties I sent to the PO Box? You expressed interest in the concept when I mentioned them previously so I sent two packs. I hope they arrived and that if and when you try them you enjoy them!
Chai xxx

I'm glad your mum hates Beanus. It's specifically intended to cause revulsion in mums. I don't know yet if we got the booties, but I'm sure we did. We've got a big stack of boxes waiting for an unboxing video. We tend to get less sent to the PO Box than Cheapshow does so we we're waiting until there's a build-up.

My home is full of boxes addressed to Cheapshow...

BUZZFEED
I noted your article on Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge with interest, especially re: the Star Wars themed food. I am fat and greedy, and my second favourite thing after ramming food in my face is reading about it. The ‘Buzzz foam’ was of particular note. Further research reveals it to be made of the buds of Acmella oleracea, and in addition to the anaesthetic effect it can also act as an aphrodisiac and convulsant. Can you confirm or deny these vital properties?

Also: the Mr Kipling and Tesco Finest mince pies this year are substandard to the Sainsbury’s normal ones. I mention this not because I think you’re interested, but one of your correspondents was last year and I feel it’s become something of a tradition.
Richard Morrison

I was neither aroused nor convulsed after consuming the buzz foam, but then - having been in a car accident a couple of days previously - I wasn't in a fit state to do either. I did actually order some of the "buzz buds" for Digi a while back, but they never showed up.

I still don't think I like mince pies. I just like the taste of Christmas (mince pies, pine trees, baubels, Santa's belt).

SOUP-ER MAN
Dear Digitiser2000 Friday Letters Page,

I quite like soup.  Do you like soup?

Yours sincerely,
The Pink Oboe

It depends on the soup. I made the mistake of having some bouillabaisse​ out of a tin the other night. It was disgusting, and I poured it down the sink after a few mouthfuls. Thought I'd had it before and liked it, but it turns out I was mistaking it for clam chowder!!!!

This is a real important problem.

IP INFRINGEMENT
I think you should approach Ty Inc with the idea of Beanie Babies but Beanus instead. I think they will do really well. Just be careful they don’t take credit for the idea...
Luke Adams

This... is a good idea. No really: Beanus Babies is a funny idea, that we might end up doing at some point, while giving you only a cursory, mumbled, credit.

SO HOT
Why are you so hot? I swear you have absorbed all the hotness from everyone else in the world and harnessed it for your own foul ends. It makes it really difficult to read your videos as I have to pause the hilarity just to deal with how the sight of you makes me feel. Is it possible you could wear more costumes that include masks so I can watch your videos from start to finish? 

Yours,
Big Benji Boi

This letter alarmed my wife, who thought you were genuine, and decided you were in some way coming onto me. It took considerable effort to convince her you were just trying to get me to do more Beanus.

SAUCE-Y BOY
Here's my top 5 favourite condiments:

Brown Sauce (HP)
Mint Sauce (Colmans) 
Siracha Mayo
Gravy, particularly Bisto Vegetable or a nice Onion Gravy
Nandos Medium Chili Sauce

Thanks,
Lee McCormick

I misread "condiments" as "comedians", so you can imagine my confusion at your list. That would've been quite the 8 Out Of 10 Cats line-up.

INK INC.
Hello Sailor!

And a very good 40,000 leagues under the sea to you today!

I saw a massive debate once with two men talking about Sea Monkeys and the effects of ink on them.

It was rumoured that the astronauts took a jar of them on Apollo 13, but when their oxygen tanks broke down that they had to use the jar to purify the air of Carbon Dioxide thanks to Jack Hargreaves' nutty pipette squaffers.

Unfortunately, they mutated into Killer Ink Squid, but on a lighter note, they invented the first multi-coloured spring loaded pens.

But I have a question Biffo...

Though unfortunately I couldn't write it down to remember it as my pen stopped working as it had been used to stir a cup of tea.
Michael Robbins

Waste of our time.

BEANUS THEME SONG IDEA TO THE TUNE OF 'RIO'
His name is Beanus and he likes beans from a can.
He isn't fussy though he'll eat them from your hands.
He favours Heinz but he's not married to the brand.
Beanus likes beans, yes he's the baked bean loving man.

Cheers.
Stuart Gipp

Listen, everyone: Beanus will be back very soon. I promise. He will be back, because I simply can't wait for you all to tell me it wasn't as funny as the first time he appeared!!!

50 Qs OF WHYTE
​456) Will you be buying Death Stranding? I'm not convinced I will enjoy it, but it really does seem to be something genuinely new and that is surely worth something? It has been some time since I anticipated a new release so much.

457) In an admittedly sparse category, has there ever been a better interactive film than the 1998 X-Files game?

458) Which dormant game developer would you most like to make a new game? I am thinking more of individuals, rather than companies, which cannot really come back.

459) What is, to you, the main problem in (very) old games i.e. pre-2000 that no longer exists? 

460) Was the Phillips CDi unfairly maligned as a machine?

A couple of non-question points, if I may? May I request that you do a games of the decade feature before the end of the year, if possible/of interest to you? I really like Beanus and hope that we see more of him. I hope that you are both recovering well after your bad experience in America.
John Whyte

456) I've got it on pre-order, but more out of curiosity. Everything i've read leads me to believe I'll hate it. I'm all for new stuff, though... I'm less keen on stuff that thinks it's smarter and more original than it is. That's my worry about Death Stranding; that it'll be a load of pretentious wank.

457) I dunno. I never actually played the X-Files game I don't think.

458) I would be interested to see the Bitmap Brothers apply their chunky visual style to the modern age.

459) Very old games? Ideas that were simply too ambitious for the hardware they were on.

460) No. It was terrible, and the "games" and whatnot for it were terrible.

DREAMWEAVER
Hello Biffo. Bit of an odd thing happened a while back where Digi entered a dream I had involving you (Not in a creepy way so don't worry) in it you opened the Digitiser museum and on display in a glass cabinet was a collection of your made up LCD games, if I remember there was a Threads one and Noel's house party one. Sadly my subconscious didn't muster other exhibits, no swan talc on display, no gossi the dog taxidermy or even Paul being a stupid guide boy dressed a disco wasp.
​
Still I wondered off the back off this what you'd put in the digitiser museum and any strange dreams related to digitiser or your other work? Any Dani's house nightmares?
Sweet Dreams Tom @tomjohnston27

I can't remember ever having a Digitiser dream, though I'm sure I must'v done. Sorry to bang on about it, but the day after I was in a near-fatal car accident a couple of weeks ago, can you guess what I had a dream about? Controversial retrogaming YouTuber Top Hat Gaming Man. He was doing a stand-up comedy show, and I kept distracting him by peeling back the bandage and showing him the wound on my hand.

Draw your own conclusions. 

++++ PLUG ZONE +++ PLUG ZONE +++ PLUG ZONE ++++

David W says:

"I have made a new thing for the ZX Spectrum, which even the play-tester
who doesn't normally play games hesitates to call a game.

If you have a keyboard, then you can play it in your browser. The sound
won't be perfect, but it's good enough to determine if this linear arty
jobbie is worth your time:

   http://arbitraryfiles.com/games/ses/playonline.html

Files are also available for offline emulators and original hardware,
along with the full source code, if you like that sort of thing:

   http://arbitraryfiles.com/games/ses/index.html

Please, do not try simulation mode."