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the digitiser friday letters page

20/4/2018

21 Comments

 
Picture
It has been too hot for this boy. I like my weather clement, not scorching. I want to live in a country where it's sunny, but mild, all year round.

What are you all up to this weekend, mm? Tomorrow I'm collecting a pressure washer so that we can spray the moss off the decking. Then we're off to some immersive escape room thing called The Hollow Hotel. And Sunday I'm recording a couple of episodes of sweary abuse podcast CheapShow with my Digitiser The Show co-host Mr Paul Gannon. So, that's all very exciting.

Let's hear your plans in "da comments".


If you'd like to appear here, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone, please send your filthy emails to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
JAR JAR STINKS
So, I’m doing a lot of flying this year, which means being sat for 4 or 5 hours, trapped by people smells (shit, mainly - the fucker sat next to me yesterday wouldn’t stop farting and he honked!) and dogs; I don’t think I’ve taken a flight out of Orange County for years without having an “emotional support” animal or two sharing the plane with me (one earlier this year took a dump but didn’t smell as bad as the bloke did yesterday). 

Anyway, the only benefit to all this flying, apart from shit loads of air miles (108,000 already this year - never paying for a flight again!) is that American Airlines has loads of movies and TV shows and the Star Wars channel.

So, I watched the Last Jedi yesterday - it was ok, I dunno why everybody got so pissed off - followed by Phantom Menace, 'cos I thought I’d start from the beginning and watch them all in sequence. 

It was only the second time I’ve seen Phantom Menace and it wasn’t as bad as I remembered it being. Yes, too much CGI. Yes the Gungans and Jar Jar Binks annoyed the tits off me and I wished they’d all die. (Why couldn’t Darth Maul kill Jar Jar? Why did Darth Maul hardly get a storyline? Why did Darth Maul, who could’ve been the best baddie ever, get killed off so soon? 

But what did come across as messed up was Padme and Anakin. It was kinda creepy watching Padme be all motherly towards Anakin knowing that she’s gonna be jumping his bones in the next film. I’m not a prude but it did sorta want me to ditch The Guardian and go and get The Daily Mail. 

Anyway, by the time this message gets on Friday Letters I’ll have watched Padme do the sexxxus with Anakin and Anakin become a real bad dude. 

Bye now!
Picston Shottle
I've got this theory, and I say it as the father of someone with autism, that I reckon George Lucas is quite high on the spectrum, and it might account for some of the criticisms the prequels received. 

​Certainly, I've softened in my attitude to The Phantom Menace in the wake of the newest films. Not that I don't like the new films, but they do go out of their way to be as Star Wars-y and fan pleasing as possible (yeah, even The Last Jedi).

​The Pantom Menace is clearly an expression of Lucas just doing whatever the hell he wants, and stuff convention or rules. For better or worse, it's a more authored and pure artistic expression than even A New Hope, because he was steering the ship completely. And, for me, it's not that it's a bad film per se, just a really weird one... but I admire him for doing something so different. 

Artistically, I think it's a far more fascinating than almost any other Star Wars film. The backlash clearly got to him by the time Revenge of the Sith came around, and so you get a bit more of a hybrid between his pure style, and giving audiences what he thinks they want. 
VOICE OF A GENERATION
'Lo there.

It's still weird to me hearing your "real" voice on videos. Reading Digitiser back in the day Biffo spoke with a voice like Victor Lewis-Smith, but a bit more baritone. Now this "Paul" bloke is talking, telling me he's Biffo and my brain is screaming that it's not right. Please endeavor to change your voice so it more closely matches the one in my head.

Many thanks,
Chris.
I get this far too often. I know a lot of you expect me to sound, and be, a bit flouncier - and not talk like Danny Baker and be built like the bloke out of Elbow. You'd better get used to it, because when Digitiser The Show is released you'll be hearing and seeing a lot of me. Unfortunately. Also: I'm planning to release some smaller, shorter, videos on the YouTube channel before then, starting very, very soon... 

I do get it, though. I mean, it's something I'm having to think about a lot for Digitiser The Show in terms of the characters; what does Fat Sow sound like? Is there a way to make The Man's Daddy's voice work that isn't going to be horribly jarring?

​Though I'm not going to shoe-horn the characters in their if I can't make them work. I'm still haunted by those Viz Comic animations. Heck, even the Bananaman cartoon was weird for me, having grown up reading his adventures.
BOOTLEGGER HILL
Will there be a place for bootleg games on “Digitiser: The Show”? I wish to see you cast your crazed gaze upon the bootleg NES version of FF7, for instance, or any of the countless other bootleg demakes.
Mathew Haswell
There miiiiight be. No plans at the moment for any to feature in series 1, but you never know. It's an area I would like to cover at some point. The thing I'm figuring out at the minute is how we do features on games which aren't - frankly - boring. How do we come at things in an original, interesting, and funny way? We're an entertainment show rather than a factual show - so that's the starting point for all that we do. 
I, JEDI
So yeah, The Last Jedi came out on DVD last week: time for a re-appraisal. I think I came into it off the high (for me, anyway) of Rogue One, which I still think is objectively brilliant... although maybe just because it has a load of proper old Star Wars stuff in it (side note: the Star Wars Legion AT-ST model is lovely, and I strongly encourage anyone who needs a scale AT-ST in their life to get one before they all vanish). Anyway:

Loads of The Last Jedi could be cut to make a better movie: the whole green milk sequence would be a good start, most of Chewie (sadly) and the Porgs... I think that’s what I struggled with more than the ‘plot holes’ that everyone hated at release, the hyperspace battering ram and so on... Too much fat.

What do you think, Herr Biffo? Fellow commenters?
Richard Morrison
Yeah, I watched it again, and I still don't really know if I like it. I found it a bit boring in all honesty, and don't think it's anywhere near the up-ending of the Star Wars formula as people said it was. If anything... for me, it adheres too closely to things we've seen before, and that might be why it washes over me. Everything in it feels like a remix of past Star Wars moments.

​And while I get why they did it the way they did, not to have Luke turn up - for real - in the battle at the end is a huge anticlimax. We all held our breath for a massive lightsaber fight to the death... but no. Just Hair-Dye Luke ducking and weaving.

​I mean... if you're going to have moments that harken back to the past, let's see Luke lifting his X-Wing out of the water like Yoda did on Dagobah, getting into it, flying into battle and sacrificing his life that way. You'd have had the same emotional outcome, but without the disappointment for the audience.

But anyway. Now look. You've started me off... 
PERVERT
Warm greetings Mr Biffo. I come to you with a request, a request so damp and moist that you may feel compelled to recommend a surveyor accredited with all the accreditation needed to aid with rising damp - BUT resist! Resist the urge and read on, as it's not that sort of dampness.

I am begging you, I'm on my knees. Pretty super mega please can you fix it for me to meet Gal Gadot in a very romantic log cabin?

I'm thinking we'll get there and we'll have a little chat, a little bit of laughing to break the ice. I'll do a really funny impression of Julian Clary and she'll touch my arm and proclaim, "Gary, you're so funny, he he he"...

But, an hour will pass and you will have rigged the log cabin (the very romantic one) so all the doors and windows shut and are locked up tight. There is ZERO escape!

You also rig the heating so it's stuck on high...

We get warm, oh so warm...

We have no choice but the strip down...

Strip off...

Umm, I'll stop there but you get the picture! Whatever you can do friend. Much love.
Gary Pinkett
@STompyRR
I don't think you've really thought this letter through, Gary. Your letter rather makes you come across as a bit rape-y. It's not the 1970s you know. This isn't acceptable. 
TREKKED
I must know, how many Trekkites have written in to say that Gene Roddenberry didn't want phasers to look like guns? Also have this great joke about guns:

QUESTION: What do you call a gun that shoots bees?
ANSWER: A bee-begone (B. B. gun)
Dave
You're the only one who wrote in about that. And yes, I know he didn't want them looking like guns - I used to be a Star Trek fan too you know. I've gone right off it now though.
PADDY PANTSDOWN
How's it all going here then? Haven't been in touch for a while due to working bloody hard - but have been regularly tuning in! Reallly pleased with your Kickstarter success - wasn't able to commit personally due to "the economy" etc, but glad you have some more affluent fans!

To de-stress from my heavy workload I chose the Shadow of the Colossus re-make to wind down with,  and just wanted to express my admiration to the team at Blue Point. Their subtle tweaking of the controls turned what was an extremely frustrating experience first time round on the PS2 into a fully immersive and affecting experience! It still wasn't a piece of cake, but it felt so much fairer if I messed up. And of course it looks gorgeous!

I reckon this is a benchmark in how to handle a remaster or remake - hopefully it was a success and encourages others who take on remasters to take as much care!

Anyway - back to work...
Paddy
I've not played it, as I found the original rather dull - if undeniably original and gorgeous. I suffered through too much of The Last Guardian to put myself through another one of those.
BANKSY
Now then. I was in Blackpool the other day, and I spotted this in a car park. Maybe this is where Sega went wrong - spending all of their time in fancy street art pieces instead of developing consoles and stuff. Anyone know what it's all about? Is there a Commodore one in Brighton?
Hamptonoid
Picture
I hate murals.
UNDONE
Is it done yet?

Love,
deKay
xxx
Digitiser the Show? We've barely begun. But go subscribe to the YouTube channel. There'll be some stuff on there soon; I'm going to be "remixing" some older Digitiser2000 articles into short videos. I bought a new microphone and everything!
LINEAR-TO-EAR
I just wanted to write about how glad I am that linear story games like God of War and the much anticipated Spider-Man, Last of Us 2 games are showing that EA were talking out of their EAss when they said gamers don't want single player linear games anymore. 

Maybe they will rethink their strategy and invest in a single player Star Wars game now. Who am I kidding, Microtransactions 2019 is probably more likely.
Niall
Yes, I am also pleased that there are still companies producing single player games. That Battlefront 2 campaign was utterly risible. And in the middle of replying to this, my copy of the new God of War just turned up. Regrettably, I've got work to do today...
WEIRD FAMILY
Hello. This is another story about my weird family. I wasn't present for most of this one, but it was reliably related to me by my uncle. Usually I'd be skeptical about such a story, but I know what my family is like. So I'm not.

Kevin's in his thirties now, and he deals with his Asperger's well. He has a job in a department store, a daughter, and although he finds strong emotions difficult to express in a socially acceptable way, he manages it most of the time.

Most of the time.

Sometimes, Kevin has no filters on his expression and things just get blurted out. Like the time he approached two women in a pub and tried to chat one of them up, and when she rejected him, he told her - stated as a matter of fact and completely without malice - "Oh, I thought you'd be ok with it cos you're the ugly one."

And sometimes it gets a little more serious than that.

Good Morning Britain had discussion pieces where members of the public can text in their incredibly informed opinions and astute observations. Kevin liked to take part, and would text something in or call their hotline about once a week, sometimes more.

On one particular morning, the subject had something to do with football. I can't remember the specific subject because I have zero interest in football, but whatever it was, Kevin felt he had been personally wronged by the opinions expressed. As he left for work, he vented his anger by sending an angry text to the Good Morning Britain hotline. Satisfied, he travelled to work without a further thought about it. However, when he got there, he couldn't help but feel bad.

His manager noticed that Kevin seemed a little preoccupied. Ok, he wasn't standing in the yard twiddling a pencil and saying "skit" over and over, but his manager could see Kevin's mind wasn't fully on the job and asked him what was wrong. "Oh," replied Kevin, "I sent a text I think I shouldn't have. I got angry with breakfast telly and sent them a text that there was a bomb in the studio."

Kevin's manager turned ashen faced. "Do they know it was you? Did you call them and tell them it was a mistake?"

"No, I sent it to the phone number by accident, not the text number, and the phone line is off now."


"I think we need to get the police involved and explain things. But if it's gone to the phone line you should be ok. Better be safe though."


His manager left to call the local police station to let them know what had happened and explain that Kevin's disorder has him act in inappropriate ways, and hope that the whole thing would dissipate before anything serious happened.

Hope can be so cruel.

Years ago, the text would have disappeared into the ether. But BT had just started a text to voice service that read your text in a robotic voice if you sent it to a land line number. So Good Morning Britain got a phone call which sounded like Stephen Hawking was threatening to blow them up.

Within minutes of his manager leaving the shop floor, an armed response unit entered and purposefully strode in Kevin's direction. Kevin saw them and waved, yelling "Alright lads! This about the bomb?"

It was!

After a day of "interviews" and searching Kevin's flat, reviewing phone records and other correspondence, the police decided that Kevin was harmless and had no real conception of the chaos he'd caused. However, because of the seriousness of the incident something had to be done, no matter how much the police wanted to drop the whole thing and stop wasting their time.

So his local police department insisted that it had to be handled by the Met, because that's where the bomb threat was received, and the Met insisted that the local police handle it because that's where the threat was made from. That let them bury things and leave poor Kevin alone.

The moral of the story is that sometimes the police can be extraordinarily understanding and nice, and if you're ever going to bomb a TV studio, greet the police with a cheery "Alright lads! This about the bomb?"

Extra points if you're holding malt loaf on a stick.
Nikki
Well, I'm very glad that turned out okay. The closest I ever got to a textual mishap was a year or two ago, when I was working with Disney on a project. I'd just got a new iPhone which allowed you to send drawings to people as little video files - so that it popped up on their screen, and was drawn in real-time before their very eyes.

My other half and I were experimenting with this, sat next to one another on the sofa, but - for some reason - she wasn't getting my messages. I realised, perhaps an hour or so later, that I'd sent a number of bizarre pictures - including one of an ejaculating penis - to the producer on the Disney project.

I realised the next day, and texted her to apologise, saying they weren't meant for her. The reply I received read: "I didn't think they were". 

What makes this story worse is that I once recounted it to a group of people in a meeting, and nobody laughed. They just looked at me in horrified silence. Because, y'know, who sends pictures like that to their partner anyway?
50 Qs OF WHYTE
1. I like the idea of Sega making more of their legacy properties but I'm not sure if Sega still know how to make them - do you see outsourcing as being viable in larger-scale games than Sonic Legends? The reason I ask is because as good as Legends was, it isn't going to bring new players to the series and Sega should be more than simply nostalgia. Sumo did a brilliant job on Outrun in the 2000s.

2. It occurred to me recently that, probably thanks to DLC, cheats don't seem to be a big thing in games any more. Can you think of any other things that used to be important but no longer are in games?

3. It's fair to say that Microsoft's Xbox360, despite not being the biggest of the 3 main consoles, defined the generation. The Xbox One on the other hand has done well enough, but is the least relevant of the major consoles. What does Microsoft need to do to challenge Sony and Nintendo more seriously again?
John Whyte
1. Hmm. I dunno about Sega outsourcing bigger - more triple-A games to outside studios, because at this point I think they should start small. Get indie developers to work on older properties, remind people of them, then, if those are a success, maybe experiment with - say - a brand new, current-gem, Streets of Rage. 

2. You are right. You don't really get cheats anymore (well, apart from those people who are cheats in online games and then get banned). I'll turn this one over to the commenters.

3. That's tricky. Microsoft so ballsed up the launch of the Xbox One that it has lost the faith of the market. It's not impossible that it could claw its way back - lest we forget, nobody expected Nintendo to bounce back quite so powerfully after the Wii U - but it's going to be hard.

​I mean, the Dreamcast was a brilliant system, but nobody really forgave Sega for the Saturn. I think Microsoft needs to offer something completely different to Nintendo and Sony. The Xbox One is just too similar to the PS4. What that something might be I've no idea - but then I didn't realise I wanted a handheld/TV console hybrid until I got one.
Look! Here's a chronically sleep-deprived and back-ache-y Mr Biffo on Barshens, giving a performance described by one commenter as "bland". Also, apparently I have bad hair and teeth, and look exactly like "James May" or an "old man". Enjoy! I did.
21 Comments
Paul
20/4/2018 11:12:54 am

All the Tintin voices in the cartoons and films (including the ones form the 1960s,Mahican are dubbed which makes it even worse) are wrong. I even tried the Nelvana ones with the French sound track, and they were still wrong. The closest I ever got to a Tintin character actually seeming right was Gregor Fisher in the BBC TVs series of Parahandy. He was very close to how I hear Captain Haddock n my head, but just not quite the right shape. You clearly can't have it all.

This weekend plans? Nothing, really, unless I find a suitable pre loved MacBook to replace the clearly dead one I currently have, in which case I'll be setting it up AND sweating about spending more money than I wanted to (and then hoping that nothing else goes expensively wrong). Probably a bike ride somewhere nice away from the city into the wilds of Essex on Sunday.

This evening, though, we are off to collect a clock that a friend says we can have. It's a proper wind up clockwork one with Westminster chimes. Which is exciting.

Reply
Rick (no, not that one)
20/4/2018 11:38:33 am

My parents had a black and white tv for a few years when I was small. In my mind Superted's costume was blue - like Superman. I did a picture of him in primary school and people laughed that I'd done it in the wrong colour. He still doesn't look right in red.

We might be going to a bird sanctuary this weekend.

Reply
Nick
20/4/2018 12:08:59 pm

Come to Saffron Walden. There's a lovely bike/coffee shop in town.

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Bobby Chuckles
20/4/2018 07:51:26 pm

I prefer Cafe Coucou myself, lovely cakes. Anyway, "big up the Walden massive", as they say. (No-one has ever said that.)

Nick
20/4/2018 09:29:45 pm

We shall from now on!

Sam
20/4/2018 11:23:18 am

Good letters.

"I'm going to be "remixing" some older Digitiser2000 articles into short videos."

Heart eyes emoji thing!

Reply
Nick
20/4/2018 12:04:43 pm

As you asked. This weekend I shall be, in no particular order:

Shouting at kitchen fitters.
Hiring a van.
Attemping to disconect and remove a Rayburn with just some fence post rollers.
Taking a settie, pagoda, and about a ton of garden waste to the tip.
Chemical stripping a tilled floor.
Emptying loft so the gas people can rip out the water tanks.
Pressure washing the hard landscaping in the garden.

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RichardM
20/4/2018 01:15:39 pm

I’ve gone back to my seaside hometown from the big smoke - just waiting on a sausage bap while I sup my coffee in a nice little cafe on the Promenade, the children downing Fruit Shoots - but am on-call for work for the rest of the weekend. Boo!

Good luck with the power washer! A thankless task, but worth it to sit on a spotless patio after and sup some beers.

Reply
Chris Bell link
20/4/2018 01:21:53 pm

There isn’t a Commodore mural in Brighton, but there is a “street artist” by the name of Cassettelord who goes around “jazzing-up” all the phone exchange cases so that they look like old cassettes. You’ve probably seen them if you’ve been around the city centre, as they’re everywhere. I know tapes are hipstery and everything, but I think it’s a missed opportunity not to theme them by C64, Speccy, Amstrad etc. Cassettelord is an idiot.

As for what I’m doing this weekend, tomorrow I will be getting up at an ungodly time to go and stand outside a record shop for hours on end in the hope of purchasing a load of overpriced vinyl, and then on Sunday I’m giving the house a damn good clean. No rest for the Bellston!

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Hamptonoid
21/4/2018 11:19:11 pm

I'd not heard of this cassette Lord, but having googled him...definitely a missed opportunity. I find it funny that the "kids" seem to love cassettes, presumably because they have never used them and don't appreciate what a colossal pain in they arse they were.

Reply
Mrtankthreat
20/4/2018 02:37:59 pm

Weekend plans: Normally I go watch my local football team but they're playing an away match. I try and get to as many away matches as I can but funds are a bit tight so instead I'm going to another local team in a lower division who have a cup game. I'm sure a visit to the pub afterwards will be in order.

I had no plans for tonight but one of me pals just messaged trying to organise a 5-a-side so hopefully we get enough bodies to play.

Star Wars: Beyond New Hope and Empire I don't really like it. I too respect Lucas for doing his own thing with the prequels but they are objectively some of the worst films ever made. At least we got the Red Letter Media videos out of it. Haven't seen TLJ yet though and wouldn't be rushing to see it any time soon. (Because so many people hate it I'll probably end up liking it)

Imagined voices versus reality: I don't think your real voice compared to how it could be imagined when reading is that dissonant. It's not what I imagined but I buy it. Especially compared to some deejays I've met that totally don't look how they sound.

Although I remember meeting one and his actual look, which wasn't what I initially imagined, was actually a perfect match to the voice. I told him that and he said I was the first person to say that to him and he was chuffed.

I am now worried about Fat Sow though. Don't want to put undue pressure on but if the voice isn't right..? Ah, I'm sure it'll be grand.

Kevin: Sounds like a legend. His response to his unwanted advances being rebuffed kind of reminds me of those fantastic Matt Berry sketches where he's chatting up women and they slip in the fact they have a boyfriend and he tells them to fuck off. My mate actually did it one night for real. It was hilarious.

Gary: I share your enthusiasm for Gal Gadot but c'mon man.

On a kind of similar note, I was watching a particularly attractive twitch streamer last night and some of the comments. Seriously like. Do they really think they're gonna be successful chatting up a woman in a stream chat, even if they didn't make creepy comments about her boobs?

Reply
John Veness
20/4/2018 04:16:28 pm

Hang on, what project with Disney?

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Mr Biffo
20/4/2018 09:01:45 pm

A non-disclosure agreement prevents me from rewarding your nosiness in this instance, Mr Veness.

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John Veness
20/4/2018 09:08:52 pm

Man alive!

SonOfPurple link
20/4/2018 06:51:43 pm

The 'Biffo voice' thing is interesting as, given the original Digi was text-only, so we all had to 'create' the voice in our minds. For my part, the news/reviews/etc I used the same internal 'monologue' I used for the other Teletext sectors, I didn't affect a Biffo-specific tone, and as I watch the likes of Baker and Brooker, and indeed live in the Estuary myself (well, not right in it, I'm not a mermaid) the Rose twang doesn't upset my ears. For the identified characters, I'd imagine something not unlike what others would from the style given - so Fat Sow screeching chav-mum-on-the-estate style, Gossi lisping and whimpering in a high register, Mr Nude chummy, Man's Daddy like something from another planet's working-mens club, and so on. Looking forward to Digi 'telly', in reference to the Viz thing it certainly won't stray as far from the source as the Fat Slags live movie. I'd hope.

Mrtankthreat - I know the 'DJs not looking like they sound' thing well. Jon Holmes ('Now Show'/6Music/talkRadio) is my example - from his performance style I was expecting someone along the lines of John Oliver, but when I saw Holmes in the flesh at a "save 6Music" event, it was revealed that he looked more like Toonattik's Jamie Rickers than I'd banked on! I know what you're saying about creeps cracking onto Twitch ladies - I follow a few telly/radio people on Instagram and the like, and the comments absolutely fly in for the likes of Maya Jama, some - mine included, I'm keen to point out - far more pleasant than others...

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Robobob
20/4/2018 07:51:48 pm

You're going to have to blow the budget to get the actual Mr T. to do the voice of Digi Mr T. I want to HEAR about his BINS. PAAAAAIIINNNNN.

The Phantom Menace is terrible, impressively so, but it somehows scrapes itself over the line by having easily the best lightsabre battle of any of the films at the end (the Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan/Darth Maul three-way ruckus).

I just like the sheer intensity of it in comparison with the slightly stop-start nature of the battles in the original trilogy, its not stupidly, crushingly long like the Obi-Wan/Anakin fight at the end of the third prequel, its not just plain stupid like the Palpatine/Yoda stuff. Oh and it has a great musical score.

I do give decentpoints to the (very) short section in Attack of the Clones when Anakin fights Dooku with a lightsaber in each hand. That's cool.

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Spiney O’Sullivan
20/4/2018 09:54:54 pm

I laughed far too hard at that Kevin story.

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James Walker link
20/4/2018 10:37:28 pm

I watched Last Jedi about a month ago blind drunk and I can't remember an effing thing about it...dunno if that's good or bad.

The prequels were rubbish, that includes rouge one which was frankly awful.

Surprisingly, I liked the Force awakens and the solo trailer looks good.

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Nikki
21/4/2018 11:36:56 am

I thought it was the law that if there's a way to draw little pictures and send them to your friends, at least once you have to draw an ejaculating penis.

All those people in that meeting were either freaks, or covering up that they'd done it too.

Reply
Poop-OH and
22/4/2018 11:17:19 am

How come you didn't get a lovely blue short-sleeved shirt on Barshens?

Reply
Mr Biffo
23/4/2018 10:05:08 am

They all hate me.

Reply



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