THE DIGITISER FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

I don't usually do this, because I'm ashamed of it coming across like I'm begging, but if you ever wish to help Digitiser out, all of the money our Patreon backers support us with is ploughed back into the channel and this site.  

For example, I wouldn't have bothered buying Google Stadia otherwise, but I thought you'd want me to review it (which I will on Monday). And all the nonsense stuff we look at on the YouTube channel comes from our Patreon slush fund.  

In return you get exclusive blog posts and early access to videos, and you have peace of mind knowing that you're helping Digitiser keep going. I don't ask for more than about 70p a month for this privilege (though if you wish to give more, that's always an option). And if you don't like that idea... well, you can always by something on our Redbubble store.

You see, Digitiser isn't so much a business, as a collective endeavour that we're all in together, like a war. 

Goodbye! No - wait. Have some letters first. 

If you want to appear here, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone, please send your filthy emails to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com

YIPPEE
I've been loving your videos, I'm watching loads per day since Trashcanglam (Rodti) told me you were back up and running. I suppose the gap between your last tellings and me discovering you again has been quite long.

I was the one that took ownership of your old Digitiser Yahoo Group when you had better things to do creating Bubblegun, or whatever the reason was that you gave it me. Trashcanglam, FlipWinky, Cholic Chuckle, the rest that remain nameless as I forgot them.

You properly inspired me Mr Biffo, I started my own website in 1997 because of you, which I dumped in 2007, but then seeing you actually in person (on Youtube) and having so much fun, proper fun with the likes of Gannon, inspired me a bit again, so I remade my website. I've made three(3!) whole new "cartoons" this month. 12 years of nothing and three in a month (3!)

Seriously, keep up the Digi Minis, they're so funny. I love seeing you and Gannon together, it just seems perfect.

I was wondering whether or not to include the link to my site, which is http//www.squits.net and then decided against it.

Anyway, I love you, keep it up, unless you're near a school.
Squits

Well done on getting your website back up and running, but I confess I have absolutely no recollection of a Digitiser Yahoo Group. Thanks for looking after it for me anyway. I hope you remembered to feed it! LOLOLOLOL. Have some shortbread.

Also: the Digi Minis are going nowhere, so rest easy. I'm very excited about the stuff we've got coming up; some special Christmas eps, more guest appearances, and the return of Beanus... 

​God help us.

DAVID GIBBON
Looks like some new DLC may be coming for Resident Evil 2 remake, as an achievement has shown up with no name or description in the latest update for the game for Steam. Here's the coverage on it. (Credit: Residence Of Evil Youtube).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxXqQ_yMPxU

Normally updates happen and there is not a new achievement that shows up however, this is the case with steam adding a whole new achievement that was not seen with the game or Ghost Survivours DLC.

I also see that the game won awards this year all rightly deserved and if new DLC is coming this is going to be good. Although I'm pretty sure we may be seeing a Resident Evil 3 Reboot hit the Playstation 5 and Xbox Anaconda instead of current-gen gaming consoles.
Gamertag (gaz be rotten)

Gaz, did you mean to send this to Gamecentral? Press reveal to see what they're up to now:

REVEAL:

SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE
If Digitiser were a song what do you think it would be?
​
I was listening to Get It On byT-Rex whilst reading your page and it just seemed to fit (my taste in music is woeful).

That is all.
Paul Morris

It would be this, of course:

COPPA KETTLE
No-one in your corner of the Internet is talking about the COPPA controversy. YT is again being threatened by vague regulations.

https://www.change.org/p/youtubers-and-viewers-unite-against-ftc-regulation
 
Could you spread the word? Maybe get Ashens, Larry, Slope, Mentski et al. to acknowledge it?

Yours worriedly,
Mathew H

I dunno. Lots of people seem to be talking about it don't they? I'm reading a lot about it on my Twitter and ting.

I've got mixed feelings. It's absolutely right that YouTube complies with COPPA, but yeah... the automated algorithm stuff is a worry. Not least for Digi, which does look at toys and the like. 

This seems to sum it all up well:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=5&v=LuScIN4emyo&feature=emb_logo

Now, at the same time... there seems to be a lot of panic around it all at the minute. Maybe it's a consequence of the situation being quite complex and confusing, and the old Big Company = Evil schtick.

To give them a degree of benefit, YouTube seems to be caught between a rock and a hard place, but then... I'm not in a situation where I make my living from YouTube, so I'm not sure how much I really care.

My lack of caring about stuff seems to baffle people, if the response I got to my semi-positive Twitter review (with caveats) about Google Stadia is anything to go by. Some people can't wrap their head around me not wanting to own physical copies of things. 

I'll have a lot more to say on that subject when I write about it in full on Monday.

COMMON PEOPLE
I was watching Pulp Fiction for the first time in a long time and was delighted to spot Beanus’s’s evil twin!
Dominic

Press Reveal for a preview of another new Digitiser character:

REVEAL:

AGENT OF SHIELD
Hello!

I hope you've had a lovely week. I've mostly been playing Pokémon Shield, which I ADORE. 10/10, cannot recommend highly enough.

Off topic, but do you celebrate Christmas and if so would it be okay to send a Christmas card to the PO Box?

Love,
Chai xxx

Do I celebrate Christmas?!? DO I?!? Yes. Yes, I do. Cards are more than welcome, but please don't send us any more stuff, Chai. You've spent enough already, and my house is full of so much rubbish right now. Most of it for Cheapshow. 

PEEHOLE
I want to go pee,
I want to go peeeee,
I want to slap my schlong out and let it flow out of meeeeee,
I want to go pee,
God knows I want to go pee

Lots of Love
The Pink Oboe

Did you write this in a moment of existential urine crisis? Lawd knows I let it go far too long needing a wee, until I'm absolutely bursting. That might be considered TMI, but I personally feel I've yet to cross a line.

We all do it!!

BEANUS AND THEM
I want to see more Beanus.
Please present more Beanus.
Here is a picture of Beanus.
Thankyou.
Luke Adams

That's one of my favourite Beanus images yet. Beanus will make a return very, very soon (small cameo in this Sunday's ep to tide you over). Though you're all going to have to amend your art, because when he returns he'll have a mushroom for a nose. New Britain. New Beanus. 

EGGS ON THE BEACH
SMASH EGG SMASH EGG SMASH EGG
Charlie Brigden

There was a lot of excitement about the weird old man egg thing that requested your letters this week. You're a blood/yolk-thirsty lot. 

FEATURING KORKY SNAPPERZ
It's getting close to that time of year again. Korky Snapperz is waking up.
Karl Žuvela

Look, everyone: it's my brother-in-law, who many of you will recall from Mr Biffo's Found Footage! He knows how to do break-dancing, and we'll no doubt make further use of that ability in a forthcoming Digi Mini, when he comes to stay for Christmas. 

THURS, GOD OF THUNDER
Hiya Biffo. I keep thinking today’s Thursday. Don’t you bloody hate it when that happens?
James Walker

I spent all of yesterday thinking it was Friday, so today has come as a great surprise. 

NUMBERS GAME
Hi Biffy Wonka and the Digitise-oompas,

Could you do me a huge favour and include this letter on your Friday Letters page, please?

My favourite number is 603.

What is your favourite number between 1 and 1000?
Craig from 80sNostalgia

99. Like the ice cream!

Here's a thing: why is it called a 99? I'd always assumed it referred to the price, but on thinking about it that can't be; it has been around so long that it would never have been priced at 99p when it first came out.

There are some interesting theories on Wikipedia, including one which suggests it's named for the address that it was invented at (99 Portobello High Street). Another ponders whether it was invented in Italy, and was named after the final wave of Italian First World War conscripts, known as "The Boys of 99", for some reason.

More dubiously, old Cadbury paperwork states that the name came from the guard of the Italian king, which consisted of "99 men". Thus: "anything really special or first class was known as 99".

No it wasn't.

POO 'EM
A carpenter born of Land's End,
Had tables she needed to mend.
Things got rather tense
After a chain of events
But it turned out all right in the end.

Best regards,
James Holloway

Press reveal to see what former poet laureate Ted Hughes thinks of that:

REVEAL:

CRACKING UP
Dear Thingy,

Please dont crack the egg because they are alive and eggs are our friends and I've lots of egg friends which are egg based.

#eggsforlife not just for breakfast.

From
Ann Nonimoose

Crack the egg... don't crack the egg, baby. Crack the egg... don't tip the egg over!

Most confusing recipe ever. 

PRINGLEBERT HUMPERDINCK
How can you not like Pringles? For God's sake man, pull yourself together. 
Lee McCormick

For anyone who doesn't know what Lee is talking about, Patrons have already seen this Sunday's episode of Digitiser, which is something of a Pringles special. SPOILER: I don't like Pringles. They're like something only a rat would eat.

DOLLIVER REED
Hi Mr. Biffo,

Mr. J (the wife) today theorised that in a world where everything is alive, it could be totally plausible that dolls that start off small could potentially grow into adult sized dolls.

This conversation was brought about by this (well similar, I can't rewind the telly to find it):

It could be, that given the prominent facial features these two could possibly grow up to be adult orientated blow up love dolls in their futures.

Bet you wished you'd asked for that boating anecdote now...
Mr. S

Yeah, I'm a bit disappointed, if I'm honest.

DELETED SCENE
Scene: A campfire, surrounded by white tents, night. Major Richard Sharpe (South Essex) is sat by the fireside, irritated by something.

SHARPE: Harper, Harper. Get thy ass ov'er 'ere

HARPER: What can I do you for Sir, for God and King George and yet perversely also a Free Ireland

SHARPE: I've been trying to get my bloody phone to recognise the wifi in this 'ere camp, and I can't bloody manage it!

HARPER: Ahh, you see, Sir, what it is is, you're using last months password which was Porcelain, you see this months password is Zealot, with a capital Z, so it is.

SHARPE: Bloody ummah it works, Harper! What'd I do without you hey?

HARPER: I don't know about that, Sir. Sure enough you managed fine enough with old Boney himself, and his Eagle

SHARPE: Aye, I know Harper, but killing the Tippu Sultan, and his four big bugger body guards has got nowt on the complexity of modern networked electronics

ENTER the rest of the chosen men to a folksie fiddle tune.

ALL: Best brown paper and paraffin oil sir, Damn Frenchies, by-'eck.

The cast all dance about a bit, and Sharpe looks bemused and pleased as the backlog of emails fills his inbox.

Next week on the 90s and noughties, ITV drama stars face the modern world series; Brother Cadfael is shown how to integrate his Hive home hub with Phillips Hue by a horsebacked Hugh Beringar, Sheriff of Shropshire.
Dave G.

I sort of quite liked that, but at the same time I don't want you to send us any more. 

WHEN IN ROMANIA

Here's a couple of seemingly Digitiser related things I saw on a recent trip to Romania. 
Thanks 

I appreciate your dedication to documenting said establishments. I've never been to Romania. Is it nice? My neighbours are Romanian. They're quite friendly, but can also be heard retching every morning at dawn, and practice the saxophone every evening at around 9pm.

Perhaps they're rehearsing for a woodwind/vomit recital.

500 Qs OF WHYTE
466) What, other than it (deservedly) being more popular would you go back and change in Found Footage, as opposed to not doing again in a 2nd series? If there is something you'd change, has the passage of time affected your choice? 

467) Which character did more (if anything) for the representation of women in computer games, Lara Croft or Samus Aran? 

468) The last few years have been strong for the number of quality games released, how do you rate 2019 so far? 

469) What existing game series do you feel that you could write for? In particular what you feel your style would work in as well as what you'd like to work on. 

470) Mads Mikkelsen was quoted as saying that when Hideo Kojima explained the plot of Death Stranding to him that he didn't understand it. Do you think it's possible that after recording was finished he would have understood it even less? Obviously no spoilers.
John Whyte

466) I'd fix the sound. The sound isn't always great; I had no idea about stuff like compression back then. I'm much better at editing in general - the Digi Minis, especially the ones in the past couple of months, have reached a point where it finally feels like I know what I'm doing. 

I would make the episodes shorter, and edit out some stuff, to keep them punchier. I'd probably lose the Cheeseholes sequence. I'd edit down the Funtron 8 stuff. That's the main thing with all of it; go for less is more approach, but maybe have more episodes. I'd also take longer to make Manorak, which ended up a bit of a rush. 

That said, I wouldn't really want to go back and tinker too much; choices were made, at the time, for good reasons. 

IF I do a follow-up - even if it's just in the same ballpark, rather than a direct sequel or second series - I wouldn't want to repeat anything. And I don't think I could repeat anything; aside from how much I've learned in the past couple of years, I want to keep moving forwards. 

467) It wasn't really Samus, because I think most people had no idea the character was female. In that respect, it has to be Lara Croft, for all her faults. 

468) It has been fair-to-middling. Nothing has really felt game-changing (so to speak) - I can't imagine Death Stranding starting any trends - but there have been some solid franchise entries.

469) Oh blimey. This might sound weird, but I think I'd like to have a crack at Sonic. He's kind of a blank canvas in a lot of ways, with so many different interpretations. He never seems as edgy, or possessed of "attitude", as we're told. I think you could do something very fun and different with Sonic, which would feel entirely true to character.

Also: Star Wars. I want to write something Star Wars.

470) Does Hideo Kojima even understand Death Stranding?