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THE DIGITISER FRIDAY LETTERS PAGE

8/6/2018

27 Comments

 
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WELCOME. Not much to say this week. Just soldiering on. Getting it done. Next week we start filming our first bits and pieces for Digitiser The Show - and it'll be the first time we've all gotten together as a team. Those of you who backed the show will be treated to some special video from the day. 

A lot of you have asked about supporting the show, even though the campaign ended. It's something I intend to set up, but please just bear with me. There's a lot going on, and we are not a huge organisation. You can, of course, still donate to my Patreon fund - the money all goes into the same pot, and you get exclusive,  slightly more personal, blog posts from me. 

Anyhow - letters? Letters.


If you'd like to appear here, or you've something you'd like me to give some attention to in our occasional Plug Zone, please send your filthy emails to this place here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
FOR YOUR PLEASURE
I present ....

Bonnie, The Bonnie Dog

https://eeyo.io/bonnie/
Chris Ainsley
Everyone: go and play Chris's delightfully pixellated, old-school, adventure game. Unlike the games of yore, it even lets you backspace to correct spellings.
COMPLAINT
Your Fat Sow model for Digi on the tele is certainly a thing, and I, ugh, sorry to be that guy but... OG Fat Sow has an astonishing overbite in profile which accentuates her rageful cussingtons.

​Whereas new clay Fat Sow has a pronounced underbite which makes her look more kinda like a gormless simpleton, rather than apoplectic with spittle-flecked fury. Please - please! - can you reassure me, possibly with a guest response to this email from la porc madame herself, that everything will be okay in the final edit?

Fretting, frit.
Eemus
Yes, please don't be that guy before the ruddy show has even been made. I'm already braced for people complaining that such-and-such a character doesn't sound/look/whatever like it "should" - I just hadn't expected it quite so soon. 

Firstly, the design of Fat Sow on Digi was never consistent; I changed her whenever I got bored. Sometimes overbite. Sometimes not. Also, as I hope you'll appreciate... when things are reinterpreted from flat teletext pixels and words on a screen to, y'know, real life... there have to be certain allowances made so that they work (such as, y'know, to make them function as a puppet). There are many characters who I want to get into the show, but I've absolutely no idea how to do them.

The Man's Daddy is the best example; I honestly have no clue what he sounds like, and as to how we render him flesh - short of spending yet another grand on prosthetics or a mask - is beyond me.
OH, HAI THERE
Congratulations to Mr and Mrs Biffo, and I hope all went well for you both on ‘The Big Day’. I decided to write the rest of this week's letter as a series of haiku poems, because... ... ... ... ...that's what I did.

Wii U sits mocking
Vast RPGs left to play
How I long for Switch

PC sits bloated
Steam library overflows
Damn Humble Bundles

Simple days of youth
Buy new system, play new games
First world problems, eh?


Thanks for reading,
David Spendlove
I don't understand haikus.
EARTH RIM WALKER SEEKS HIS MEALS
I hope you had a lovely wedding day?
​
A couple of questions:

1) How did Grendel go down? If you didn't play Grendel what other Marillion was on your play list for the big day? (If it is none of my business feel free to say so).

2) Do you have any idea how many times you have seen Marillion play live? I saw them for the first time ever in April and it was great.

3) Were you aware that Psychopaths Season 2 has now started?

Anyway that's all for now, na night
Stephen Reed
1) Grendel went on at the very end of the night, and went down very well with the four or five of us still standing. Myself and the wife decided it should be our first dance, because it was funny.

​I kept Marillion out of the playlist generally (though we signed the wedding certificate to Made Again) - but it got more Marillion-y as the night wore on, because I knew my hardcore Marillion mates would still be there. And they were! So, a couple peppered throughout earlier in the evening - inbetween the crowd-pleasers - then a bunch at the end. Lavender, Freaks, Fantastic Place, Garden Party, Living In F.E.A.R., and One Tonight, I believe. 


2) No idea! But a lot. Just booked next year's Marillion Weekend. Teletext graphics legend Horsenburger has been convinced to come with us...

3) I never even saw Psycopaths season one. What even is that? Wait... you mean the one starring LeeIsCool1 and Triple-S!? IL PAPA!
GOTTA GO FAST
Having read many Digitiser2000 articles, I've started to notice things in everyday life that really disturb me. In particular, anything Sonic the Hedgehog-related.

​Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the spinning blue hedgehog's games (well the Mega Drive ones anyway) but the other day I was looking for some local tyre suppliers on Facebook marketplace and this popped up *see attached*. Now I'm starting to wonder if all tyre fitters have a secret fetish like this?
Wayne
Northumberland
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This is one of the best things I've ever seen.
OUR SOULS
God of War? God of Bor (ing scripting!!!) more like (!!!!)! The combat was stupendous, and the spectacles beguilling, but I definitely cannot be arsed to just walk around and listen to those guys talk to each other. Guys, you are boring. 

And devs, if you have already peppered your visual landscape with endless obtrusive visual clues, do you really need to put obnoxious button prompts everywhere? Kind of negates the point of doing away with a UI, no? Bits of the game were so good, but I could never be bothered to put it on.
 
So I sold it and got the Dark Souls remaster. It's pretty thin as far as 'remasters' go, but boy is it ever a complete joy being back in Lordran. So much better than Dark Souls 2 and 3, it's like a different series. As with playing any Miyazaki game, I spent all last weekend utterly engrossed in a blissful state of gaming nirvana not known since childhood. It must surely be one of the best games ever made. 
 
Do you think you will ever have time to properly give it a go? Maybe with the upcoming Switch release? Is it the kind of thing that interests you, or as with myself, does interminable breathless sycophancy put you off?
 
Cheers,
Biscuits
Yeah, for my sins... I'm going to give Dark Souls another go when it comes out on the Switch. I fear it's going to end up like the gaming equivalent of The Fall or Arctic Monkeys - bands I feel I should like, and keep trying with... but actually sort of have a very strong negative reaction to. 
HEAD CODE
You may (or more likely may not) know that I help run a Code Club at my wife’s school. Every Friday, I’m teaching year 6 kids HTML and other related jollities. 

The other week, due to various outing and illness, there was just one kid. He, like most of the others that go to the school, comes from a wealthy and privileged background. He was telling me how good his “gaming PC” was and that we was getting a better one. 

He showed me pictures. There were, I told him, far too many funky lights and things in it, and he would be better off buying a plain cased machine and spending the money saved on upgrading the innards with really high performance kit. 

I then decided to show him the kind of computers we played games on the the 1980s. I showed him some pictures of a tools old rubber key Spectrum. 

He could not believe it. He wanted to know how big they were, what the graphics were like.

I showed him. 

His response was of deep pity: “You poor people! You POOR people!”. He was genuinely shocked at what things were like. He found one of those Spectrum +2 models - the one with a tape player. “At least you could play your music on that one” he said.

I explained how we loaded and saved programs. “You poor people...”. 

Funny how kids react. A couple of years ago, the reaction to my rubbery keyed Spectrum from other children was one of fascination and wonder. They lived it. One said “this was the iPad of the day” - his reasoning was that it was the must thing to have, the peak of computing.

All the best,
Paul Dunning
I remember the first time I dug out my old vinyl, when my kids were little, and asked them what they thought they were. They shrugs, and just said: "Books?". Of course, kids these days all know what vinyl is... the wretched little hipsters.
THRICE NEIGH
​
Horses eh? They're fucking massive when you get close to them. Even little ones like Shetland ponies are pretty solid. I mean, you wouldn't want one standing on your foot.

I was just wondering if you have a favourite horse-based game? I used to play a lot of Mount and Blade in which you rode around on a horse being a sort of knight. It was a great horse game although admittedly it was mostly about stabbing and smashing people's heads in.

​One time a Viking type killed my horse with an axe and I went flying. I was a bit sad about the horse, but luckily it wasn't real and I got over quite quickly. I never forgot it though. So yeah, horse games!
From Paul in sunny Manchester
The obvious answer is A Zelda Game. Wasn't there some sort of horse racing game on the Spectrum? I remember the horses being quite well animated. Here's a thing: when I worked for Ladbrokes Racing, I spent years animating running horses, and got very good at it. I've not tried to do so in recent times, but I bet I still could. I'm not going to try, of course. I can't be bothered.
ONE-ARMED BANDIT
Hello! Like a ruddy big idiot, I have broken my arm - my ‘doing’ arm at that. So I ask you (and by extension the miasma that is the Digi readership) the following: what are your favourite super-simple games controls-wise?

​We’re probably talking mobile, but you never know - I’m certainly much appreciative of Mario Kart’s auto-accelerate feature just now. That, and tramadol.
​
Thanking!
Super Bad Advice
Hmmmm. You ruddy great fool. Well, you're not going to be helping me out with my workload by writing articles anytime soon. Get Inks on your phone if you never have. You'll love it.
MONSTER MASH
I'm sure you'll have seen the recent Fallout anouncement, even with your current levels of busy. When I heard the name Fallout 76 I confess my mind first went to the possibility of some bonkers sort of Fallout/Interstate 76 mashup (which, frankly, sounds a damned sight more interesting than the rumours of it being an online survival game).

​This set me to a-thinkin: What might the addled brain of young Biffmonster pair together in a gaming mashup?


Congratulations on your recent nuptuals by the by. Was the real reason you didn't take Sanya's name so that you didn't have to fill out an arseload of forms for all your accounts and shizzle?

With greatest affection
Wrist Flapper
Yeah, that is pretty much why I didn't take her name. It was a ton more faff for me. Also... and this is true... she's got a thing about flower names (she wanted to give her kids flower-y names, but only one of them ended up with one), and the rose is her favourite flower. So.... there you go. She took my last name. Why, it's like something out of a romantic film! 

Gaming mash-ups? Oddly, this is something I have thought about. I always wanted a game where a 1980s-type platform game character ends up in versions of modern games - and then they made the Wreck-It Ralph film, which is basically that. I think I sort of pitched this as the idea for Future Tactics, which I wrote the script for many aeons ago.

Talking of Wreck-It Ralph... have you seen the trailer for the new one? I found it a bit unpleasant. Seeing all those corporate logos for Amazon and Facebook and Twitter in a kids film seemed deeply wrong to me. Also: that bit where they go to some sort of corporate Disney portal - with Star Wars and Marvel logos and Disney princesses - was very meta, but seemed more like a big advert rather than something that needed to be in there. I left a sour taste in my mouth.
CHEWBALLS
Do you think that Han Solo might have had Chewie neutered to stop him spraying all over the Millenium Falcon?
Stringfellow Hawke
I have given far too much time over to considering Chewbacca's genitals; what they look like, whether he even has any, and the fact that - if he does - they're probably squashed flat against the seat of the Millennium Falcon every time he sits down. Think about that next time anybody other than him sits in that chair.
CLASSIC OF IT
I was pondering to myself whether you, as an esteemed reviewer of video games, have ever gone all these years without playing an important game or series of games that everyone would've expected you to? Y'know, like say if a film reviewer had never seen any of the greatest films of all time™ such as Citizen Kane, The Godfather, Weekend at Bernies.

Big love,
Al Kellett aka YouCanCallMeAl

Loads. To be fair, I try to give the big ones a go, but there are plenty that I've never really persevered with beyond the first instalment. Mass Effect, Destiny et al. And I've only played Minecraft a bit. I've not played Player Unknown's Battlegrounds or Fortnite, barely played Counter-Strike, can't stand the Final Fantasy games (I bought XIV, but never played it - same as the latest Monster Hunter), and - as mentioned above - I cannot get along with Dark Souls or Bloodborne. 
SIMPLE PLEASURES
Just thought you'd like to know, I'm okay for screwdrivers this week.

Also, hope the whole wedding thing went well. Even with you choosing the music.

I got myself a RetroPi thing last year. It's been very excellent, it sits under the telly, looking decidedly unassuming, and tiny.

And, since I got it, it's had a LOT of use. My intention was to play through all the RPGs I never had time for in the 16-bit era, but it turns out that as a full paid-up adult I still have barely enough time to play through the RPGs. Well, not properly. I'll play for a bit, get distracted by real-world concerns, and go back to them after a month or so and have zero recollection of where I'm at or what's to be done. Yeah, you can cast around, talking to npcs and getting "hints", but...

ANYWAY, that's not what I'm here to talk about. What has struck me MOST is that the (non-RPG) games are so utterly accessible. A D-Pad and a a couple of buttons to learn and Robert is the brother of your mother.

Now, fair enough, non/lapsed-gamers can pick up the games and compete quite easily, that much is obvious... but what's been MOST telling is that the younglings, steeped as they are in modern online gaming, are CHOOSING to fire up the retro-games when they've got friends 'round... they're not doing it for the nostalgia... the simple joy of competing with someone in the same room, on the same screen is what they're looking for... and it's a joy to see it unfold.

So, um, there.

Also, something keeps biting my ankles. I'd like to think it is a tiny, invisible penguin.

Yours vaguely,
Lummox60N
I have for years considered that old games are all awful, but playing a lot of them recently - as research for Digitiser The Show - has proved otherwise. Many haven't aged well, but some of them - when it's a simple idea - have really stood the test of time.

​Going right back to the beginning, something like Pong still holds up as a game. In fact, it's most of the early arcade games which have truly aged well; Pac-Man, Frogger, Space Invaders, Donkey Kong, Defender, Asteroids, Q*Bert et al. It's when games got into the mid-80s, and developers started experimenting, that they entered a bit of an iffy period.
DISAPPOINTMENT
When I was a wee lad, I remember really looking forward to Renegade III The Final Chapter on the Amstrad.

When I finally got it, imagine my dismay when, upon loading it up, realised it was a massive pile of jobbees. Ten quid doesn't come often to a 9 year old, and pissed off barely covers how I felt. Those bastards Ocean totally mugged me off!

Anyway, what game where you most disappointed with? Mine was Renegade III the final chapter (see above).
​
Also, on a similar note, did Digi review Rise of the Robots? And can you remember the score?

Cheers
James Walker
The one which always sticks in my memory - and I told this tale in Ashens' first book, Terrible Old Games You've Probably Never Heard Of - is Jack And The Beanstalk for the Speccy. The graphics looked great on the back of the cassette box. The game was virtually unplayable. Because it had cost a few quid, I tried to wipe it with a magnet and get my dad to say it was faulty, so that I could get my pocket money back.

We took it back to the shop, but they refused to give us a refund - and would only replace it with another game. My dad for some reason took massive umbrage to this, and ended up having a furious argument with the shopkeep, which ended with him uttering a racist epithet and storming out.

I felt terrible.

​I should state that my father is not a racist, and that this was the only time I ever heard him use such language. Indeed, he's not a bigot of any sort. He has a number of gay grandchildren, and one that's transgender, and he's accepting of all of them. Or, at least, too confused by it all to say anything.
GAMING MILL'S LETTER
I know this is probably too late for today (is a Tuesday?) but I thought I'd send you a Friday Letter nevertheless. 

So here it goes. Are you ready? You might not be but am I? YOU BET YOU! Okay, here goes...

I loved Digi's article on the BBC computer (Model B, of course) on games that I cherished. even though my family never owned one. I'm of an undetermined vintage; a bit like that maximum irritating red-headed one from the Spice Museum 'pop' 'band' from beyond yore, or whatever they're called.

The Digi article took me back like a time machine, and I've since fired a few of your mentions in the article via emulation - because I've done that for years and been called a 'Philistine', 'un-pure' and, best of all, a 'c@nt'. Some people are so pleasant though.

On the downside, I was part and parcel during those years with killing a few brace of mallards and not through my own choosing. They did taste delicious though once cooked but I was still a bit sad when the old farmer told me it wasn't some sort of train for the scrap yard.

​I've never really been a fan of trains, but to watch one in a scrap yard being picked up by one of those giant magnets, only to witness one of the uneducated ne'er-do-wells in charge of such power made me want to see a real-life 80s platformer but with only without the death caused by buffoons with some sort of chip one their shoulder. 

I'm still (and it seems like it might be forever) unfit but strong and that is all.
Gaming Mill
Gaming Mill... no offence, love, but is everything okay?
27 Comments
Paul
8/6/2018 09:40:44 am

Mind you, as Chewie is clearly getting on in years, now, he’s probably got similar problems to what my elderly cats (and I guess elderly dogs) - namely clag and winnets sticking to his fur. Imagine that all crunching down onto the Falcon’s chair. Even if Han Solo gives him some help with a pair of special “bought for the purpose” scissors and a comb, he probably can’t get all of them.

I bet they’re waiting for the glorious day when Chewie gets a colostomy bag fitted, and that sorry, messy episode can be forgotten.

Reply
James walker
9/6/2018 12:09:57 am

Haha, yeah like episodes 1,2 AND 3!!?!

Reply
Super Bad Advice
8/6/2018 09:46:11 am

Good news! Since writing that letter I’ve got a new cast on that’s much more joypad-friendly. But also: I can heartily recommend the mini PS4 controllers you can get. Ideal for the ruined of arm or anyone with ‘Beadle hand’.

Reply
Neptunium
8/6/2018 10:24:44 am

Auto accelerate on Mario Kart is so wonderful. After years of joypad and keyboard abuse my hands ache quite a lot during long gaming seshs, Mario Kart not forcing me to permanently hold down the button is just a massive massive help. I really wish other racing games did the same. I'd be quite happy for the accelerate button to become the "foot off accelerator" button.

As for old games being addictive.. Dig Dug is like digital crack. The "one more go" factor is stupendously high.

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Starbuck
13/6/2018 10:41:14 pm

Dig Dug rulez

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Chris
8/6/2018 10:31:04 am

There was a Grand National horse management sim type game for the Spectrum. That is all.

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Neptunium
8/6/2018 10:35:46 am

There was a level where Marty rode on a horse in Back to the Future III. It was pretty good from what I recall.

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Plumstead
8/6/2018 01:46:22 pm

There was indeed. It was called racing manager from virgin games. And sometimes, having played for hours to make it to the actual grand national, the program messed up and aborted the race.

Reply
MENTALIST
8/6/2018 12:17:56 pm

I never bothered with horses all that much in Breath of the Wild, because they inhibited my ability to climb.

Conversely in Oblivion and Skyrim, I'd use them all the time, since they could zoom up near-vertical cliffs better than the player could on his own.

Reply
Biscuits
8/6/2018 03:54:15 pm

Horses in BotW are great! I'm hearing the plinky horse riding soundtrack just typing this out

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Mathew H.
15/6/2018 04:52:52 pm

Horses - Best of all the animals!

Alistair
8/6/2018 12:23:31 pm

"and as to how we render him flesh - short of spending yet another grand on prosthetics or a mask - is beyond me."

I have an idea but it would involve getting banned from YouTube. If only you had an animatronic elephant's trunk.

Reply
Mathew H
14/6/2018 09:35:40 pm

Many times, Mr. Biffo has indeed joked about owning an animatronic elephant.

Also, if the Digiffest vid is anything to go by, the Man's Daddy sounds like an adult does in The Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show.

Reply
Mark M
8/6/2018 12:44:00 pm

I was sure I remembered a horse level in a game called "Kane" on the Amstrad CPC. Just looked on YT for it and yep, this used to be one of my fave games. :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JmGXvDZhyg

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Nick
8/6/2018 01:30:24 pm

To-con-vey one’s mood
In sev-en-teen syll-able-s
Is ve-ry dif-fic

Dr J C Clarke

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sonicshrimp
10/6/2018 08:58:00 am

Not all the haikus
Have to make a lot of sense
Refrigerator

(Seen on a threadless t shirt)

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Adam
8/6/2018 02:00:13 pm

I've always 'heard' The Man's Daddy as a kind of sad, drab monotone. I doubt that helps.

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Neptunium
8/6/2018 02:40:08 pm

To me he sounds like a very sincere and not at all depressed version of Alexi Sayle's "Bobby Chariot" character.

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CrabPuff
8/6/2018 03:36:24 pm

To me he sounds kind of nonplussed

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floop
8/6/2018 03:56:13 pm

I had a cowboy game on the amstrad CPC called Kane, that had some good horsey bits.
You also had to shoot down eagles with a bow, because fuck eagles

Reply
Mark M
9/6/2018 10:03:12 am

The animation in that game rocked my socks. I don't know if I ever managed to complete it, think I always cocked it up on the level with the horse and the train chase.

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Seam
8/6/2018 04:47:14 pm

I certainly remember enjoying “Sport of Kings” on the spectrum which enabled you to gamble to your hearts content on 2d animated horses.
I think it was one of those budget £1.99 games but certainly had hours of fun with it, not understanding how gambling odds worked.

Reply
FatDave
9/6/2018 11:59:30 am

You never persevered beyond the first mass effect....That game plays like an unpolished turd and apart from world building and story is inferior to even mass effect Andromeda.

Mass Effect 2 is the really good one!

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FatDave
9/6/2018 12:01:11 pm

Actually if the first mass effect had been the first one i'd played id probably not have bothered with it any further.

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Mark M
9/6/2018 12:17:45 pm

I loved the first ME. Not sure what everyone is on about - sure it had its limitations but it's worth playing IMO. ME2 is definitely the best though.

Starbuck
13/6/2018 10:44:41 pm

I share your Jack and the Beanstalk disappointment. Looked so good, played so bad. The horrible collision detection mechanics. Ugh.

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Mathew H.
14/6/2018 09:37:40 pm

Would the Man's Daddy not work better as Morph-esque animated entity, rather than a conventional puppet or costume character?

Reply



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