Gamers are getting older.
A 2013 study revealed that the average age of a games fan is now 35 - and that figure is expected to keep rising, as people migrate further still from traditional, linear, forms of entertainment, and somehow continue to avoid being dead.
In short, the first generation of gamers are now ghastly old men, and likely to be struggling to keep up as the gaming landscape changes around them.
Is it any wonder so many of them despise women, who typically have much longer life expectancies?
LET'S NOT
Being an old person can be a time of great anxiety and uncertainty. As the choppy waters of progress threaten to drown us, it's no surprise that so many cling to the pop culture ephemera of our formative years - like life preservers made from He-Man jellies, episodes of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and Dino-Riders toys.
One of the biggest and most bewildering gaming developments in recent years has been the rise of the 'Let's Play' video.
Reliable online information source Wikipedia describes Let's Play thus: "A Let's Play is a series of screenshots or, more commonly, a recorded video documenting a playthrough of a video game, always including commentary by the gamer.
"An LP differs from a walkthrough or strategy guide by focusing on an individual's subjective experience with the game, often with humorous, irreverent, or even critical commentary from the gamer, rather than being an objective source of information on how to progress through the game."
What this frequently translates to is a shrieking idiot spinning around in a cheap Silent Hill knock-off, while claiming to have wet himself.
Pray tell; where does one start with Let's Play? Please allow Digitiser 2000 be your guide, as we run down the most common types of Let's Play commentator you're guaranteed to stumble across online...
A 2013 study revealed that the average age of a games fan is now 35 - and that figure is expected to keep rising, as people migrate further still from traditional, linear, forms of entertainment, and somehow continue to avoid being dead.
In short, the first generation of gamers are now ghastly old men, and likely to be struggling to keep up as the gaming landscape changes around them.
Is it any wonder so many of them despise women, who typically have much longer life expectancies?
LET'S NOT
Being an old person can be a time of great anxiety and uncertainty. As the choppy waters of progress threaten to drown us, it's no surprise that so many cling to the pop culture ephemera of our formative years - like life preservers made from He-Man jellies, episodes of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and Dino-Riders toys.
One of the biggest and most bewildering gaming developments in recent years has been the rise of the 'Let's Play' video.
Reliable online information source Wikipedia describes Let's Play thus: "A Let's Play is a series of screenshots or, more commonly, a recorded video documenting a playthrough of a video game, always including commentary by the gamer.
"An LP differs from a walkthrough or strategy guide by focusing on an individual's subjective experience with the game, often with humorous, irreverent, or even critical commentary from the gamer, rather than being an objective source of information on how to progress through the game."
What this frequently translates to is a shrieking idiot spinning around in a cheap Silent Hill knock-off, while claiming to have wet himself.
Pray tell; where does one start with Let's Play? Please allow Digitiser 2000 be your guide, as we run down the most common types of Let's Play commentator you're guaranteed to stumble across online...
PEWDIEPIE
Otherwise known as Felix Arvid Ulf Kjellberg, Swedish sensation Pewdiepie has over 33 million subscribers to his YouTube channel, making him arguably the most influential figure in the modern games industry.
With his lovely, floppy hair, and dreamy, creamy grin, he's the gaming commentator that all others aspire to be... or aspire to be caressed by.
Indeed... last year, PDP's channel officially became the most watched ever on on YouTube.
Referring to his legion of fans as his 'Bro Army', PewDiePie has inspired them to raise money for his favourite charities, while becoming phenomenally wealthy in his own right. He even appeared as himself in an episode of South Park.
In addition to offering up a matey "BroFist" at the end of his broadcasts, he has also courted controversy for making distasteful jokes in his early videos. In 2012, he was compelled to announce "I just wanted to make clear that I’m no longer making rape jokes. As I mentioned before I’m not looking to hurt anyone and I apologize if it ever did".
33 million subscribers. 33 million...
Most likely to say: "OMG! I think rape and stuff is really awful now. BroFist!"
Otherwise known as Felix Arvid Ulf Kjellberg, Swedish sensation Pewdiepie has over 33 million subscribers to his YouTube channel, making him arguably the most influential figure in the modern games industry.
With his lovely, floppy hair, and dreamy, creamy grin, he's the gaming commentator that all others aspire to be... or aspire to be caressed by.
Indeed... last year, PDP's channel officially became the most watched ever on on YouTube.
Referring to his legion of fans as his 'Bro Army', PewDiePie has inspired them to raise money for his favourite charities, while becoming phenomenally wealthy in his own right. He even appeared as himself in an episode of South Park.
In addition to offering up a matey "BroFist" at the end of his broadcasts, he has also courted controversy for making distasteful jokes in his early videos. In 2012, he was compelled to announce "I just wanted to make clear that I’m no longer making rape jokes. As I mentioned before I’m not looking to hurt anyone and I apologize if it ever did".
33 million subscribers. 33 million...
Most likely to say: "OMG! I think rape and stuff is really awful now. BroFist!"
MINECRAFT-OBSESSED 11 YEAR-OLD
If your idea of a good time is spending a couple of hours passively watching a pre-pubescent boy attempting to build a windmill out of Lego, then YouTube is probably your ultimate fantasy destination.
As shown in the upcoming documentary Minecraft: Into the Nether, the absurdly popular sandbox building game has become an Internet marvel like no other. Designed by yet another Swede - Marcus "Notch" Persson (not a made-up person) - Minecraft has more than 40 million players worldwide, and countless more fans who are content to merely observe others playing it.
YouTube features literally zillions of videos showing players talking viewers through their creations. Though many are put together by professionals or talented amateurs, we estimate that the vast majority of Minecraft build videos are recorded by mumbling, apparently disinterested, youths, who boast all the presentation skills of an old sponge that they used to mop up their dad's sick.
Most likely to say: "I'm going to... put torches... in my front garden to make... it look nice. No, that's not right. I didn't want it to go there."
If your idea of a good time is spending a couple of hours passively watching a pre-pubescent boy attempting to build a windmill out of Lego, then YouTube is probably your ultimate fantasy destination.
As shown in the upcoming documentary Minecraft: Into the Nether, the absurdly popular sandbox building game has become an Internet marvel like no other. Designed by yet another Swede - Marcus "Notch" Persson (not a made-up person) - Minecraft has more than 40 million players worldwide, and countless more fans who are content to merely observe others playing it.
YouTube features literally zillions of videos showing players talking viewers through their creations. Though many are put together by professionals or talented amateurs, we estimate that the vast majority of Minecraft build videos are recorded by mumbling, apparently disinterested, youths, who boast all the presentation skills of an old sponge that they used to mop up their dad's sick.
Most likely to say: "I'm going to... put torches... in my front garden to make... it look nice. No, that's not right. I didn't want it to go there."
EX-PROFESSIONAL GAMES JOURNALIST
As one of the most coveted, well-payed, and privileged jobs in the world, it seems insane that anybody would willingly give up their massive games journalist salary to be directly abused by people on the Internet who hate them for having the job they wrongly think they want.
And yet, increasingly more and more industry professionals are doing just that.
Though many are going the crowd-funded route, hoping some of their readership will cough up in order to hear them waffle through a game, or watch them say a funny thing - others are just doing it in the hope of becoming the next PewDiePie, and making huge amounts of money through AdSense. Ha ha. Good luck with that. Good luck with all of that!!!!
Though not strictly a Let'sPlay-er, Jim Sterling - Meat Loaf-style former writer for The Escapist and Destructoid - leads the pack in this area, with his opinionated and shouty, but highly watchable, 'Jimquisition' videos.
Most likely to say: "And if you liked this video, you could always chuck some money my way on Patreon. You don't have to - it's entirely up to you, and I don't want to seem desperate. You really, really don't have to pay, as is your right - that really is your right, and your right alone. Right? It's your right. Not my right. It's your right. Just yours. It's a right that literally belongs to you. And if you want to keep freeloading, or assuming I'm going to keep doing this indefinitely with no pay, well... you're probably correct to a point. But if you do choose to give me money (and you honestly don't have to do that - it's your right not to)... thankthankthankthankyou. Really. Thanks. Though the rest of you can fuck right off."
As one of the most coveted, well-payed, and privileged jobs in the world, it seems insane that anybody would willingly give up their massive games journalist salary to be directly abused by people on the Internet who hate them for having the job they wrongly think they want.
And yet, increasingly more and more industry professionals are doing just that.
Though many are going the crowd-funded route, hoping some of their readership will cough up in order to hear them waffle through a game, or watch them say a funny thing - others are just doing it in the hope of becoming the next PewDiePie, and making huge amounts of money through AdSense. Ha ha. Good luck with that. Good luck with all of that!!!!
Though not strictly a Let'sPlay-er, Jim Sterling - Meat Loaf-style former writer for The Escapist and Destructoid - leads the pack in this area, with his opinionated and shouty, but highly watchable, 'Jimquisition' videos.
Most likely to say: "And if you liked this video, you could always chuck some money my way on Patreon. You don't have to - it's entirely up to you, and I don't want to seem desperate. You really, really don't have to pay, as is your right - that really is your right, and your right alone. Right? It's your right. Not my right. It's your right. Just yours. It's a right that literally belongs to you. And if you want to keep freeloading, or assuming I'm going to keep doing this indefinitely with no pay, well... you're probably correct to a point. But if you do choose to give me money (and you honestly don't have to do that - it's your right not to)... thankthankthankthankyou. Really. Thanks. Though the rest of you can fuck right off."
RETIRED PIRATE
With the golden age of piracy ending well over 200 years ago, traditional pirates are struggling to make ends meet. Inexplicably, many of them have turned to YouTube, specialising in making Let'sPlay videos about Flappy Bird - a game that's particularly popular among the pirate community.
Among the most popular of these is former Swedish pirate Borkbeard (b.1678), who can be heard making veiled threats to rival YouTube pirates as he struggles with Flabby Bird's impossible difficulty level.
Most likely to say: "Avast! T'little bird has flown right into t'pipe. Yaarrrrr!"
With the golden age of piracy ending well over 200 years ago, traditional pirates are struggling to make ends meet. Inexplicably, many of them have turned to YouTube, specialising in making Let'sPlay videos about Flappy Bird - a game that's particularly popular among the pirate community.
Among the most popular of these is former Swedish pirate Borkbeard (b.1678), who can be heard making veiled threats to rival YouTube pirates as he struggles with Flabby Bird's impossible difficulty level.
Most likely to say: "Avast! T'little bird has flown right into t'pipe. Yaarrrrr!"
CREEPY MALFUNCTIONING ROBOT
Robots have been part of the Let's Play landscape since the very beginning. In the early days, automatons such as former dental droid XK-I500 and decommissioned exotic entertainment bot "Fireworks" D'Splay, were plugged directly into YouTube by their former owners.
Using complex, but ageing algorithms, the robots began spouting randomly-generated opinions about video games.
Unfortunately, many of these robots are still connected and commentating, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, despite their systems having long since begun to decay and break down. Disaster was narrowly averted last year, when one Let'sPlay robot broke free of its moorings and went on a rampage of thrashing and commentating in a newsagents.
Most likely to say: "I. Am. Play. Sims. 4. Destroy humans. LOL. LOL. LOL. Destroy humans. Dezzztryzzzzyrezzxxz."
Robots have been part of the Let's Play landscape since the very beginning. In the early days, automatons such as former dental droid XK-I500 and decommissioned exotic entertainment bot "Fireworks" D'Splay, were plugged directly into YouTube by their former owners.
Using complex, but ageing algorithms, the robots began spouting randomly-generated opinions about video games.
Unfortunately, many of these robots are still connected and commentating, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, despite their systems having long since begun to decay and break down. Disaster was narrowly averted last year, when one Let'sPlay robot broke free of its moorings and went on a rampage of thrashing and commentating in a newsagents.
Most likely to say: "I. Am. Play. Sims. 4. Destroy humans. LOL. LOL. LOL. Destroy humans. Dezzztryzzzzyrezzxxz."
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