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THE BIFFING OF THE BIFFO - by Mr Biffo

26/7/2016

59 Comments

 
Picture
Of course I was talking about Pokemon Go when it happened. The entire world revolves around that ruddy game now.

​We were heading into town - myself in the driving seat, my better half next to me, two of my step-daughters, and my middle daughter in the back - to grab some lunch. The windows were down, because the aircon had packed up in my ageing Vauxhall Zafira, following its MOT in April. 

My daughter had just noticed that the local comic shop had a PokéStop attached to it. We were stationary in traffic, waiting for the lights to change - the same lights I'd sat at thousands of times.

I was talking about how I felt guilty that I hadn't been in the shop for over five years, after I started buying my comics online, and how she could forget it if she thought I was going in there to look for Squirtles...

And that's when some guy decided to launch himself through the window at me.
Picture
WEIRD THING
The weird thing is, though I was on the receiving end of the physical side of it, the attack really happened to everyone else around me.

I never saw him coming, never really saw him afterwards - beyond a glimpse of him running away. There had been no warning, no run-up to it. 

There's that split-second after something hits you in the head, when you're momentarily dazed, seeing stars, bewildered. I've been punched before, when I was a kid, more times than I'd really like to recall. Nothing like this though. 

My first cognisant thought was that I'd been hit in the face with a football; that was the closest comparison I could draw. Albeit a massive football made of concrete.

But when I heard everyone in the car freaking out, and saw the blood pouring into my lap, and people getting out of their cars around us, I thought we must've been hit by another vehicle. 

Apparently the noise of the guy's fist hitting my face was so loud that my partner thought the same; that a car had blindsided us, or we'd been clipped by a motorbike. Or maybe he had hit me with something he had in his hand; we heard a few conflicting statements about exactly what he did.

It was only when my step-daughter started shrieking "Why did he do that? Why did he do that?", that I realised I'd probably been assaulted, as difficult to comprehend as that was.

I reached my hand behind me to try and calm my her down, and assure her I was ok... which only made matters worse, unfortunately; my hand was dripping with blood. It was like when I had my wisdom teeth removed, and was left in the recovery room with a little girl who was sobbing.

Drowsy and drugged up as I was, I looked over at her and smiled, to try and make her feel better, slurring "It'lll beeeee okaaaaaay...". She started screaming the place down. When I got in my dad's car later, I discovered why she'd panicked: my teeth and lips were covered in dried blood. I looked like I'd been eating someone.

ANOTHER LUNATIC
My partner, because she is a brave and heroic and reckless lunatic, who cares a little too much, ran immediately after the guy, chasing him in her flip-flops to a nearby park, and risking her own safety by grabbing his arm, at one point.

"I don't know what you're talking about - I don't know you," he barked at her, as if he hadn't just punched a complete stranger in the face.

She said he didn't seem phased by what he'd done, didn't particularly seem as if he was drugged-up... just carried on listening to his iPod, and jogging away. She says he was built like a mountain range, with arms like doner kebab skewers, and has since speculated that he was suffering 'roid rage'.

Unfortunately - or fortunately, from the point of view of all of us who'd rather she didn't get attacked by a muscular psychopath in her quest for justice - her flip-flops let her down, and he got away. She eventually got to go on an exciting ride in a police van to search for him, but he'd gone. CID are on the case now, and checking CCTV. Inevitably, the camera nearest to us at the time of the attack wasn't working. They haven't found him yet.

Witnesses described him running down the middle of the street - the woman in the car behind had seen him in her rear-view mirror, and wound up her window, just in case - before leaping through the air and bringing his fist down onto me. This is all second hand, of course. I saw none of it. I'd been looking straight ahead.

LOVELY STRANGERS
While my partner was off playing vigilante, I was being tended to by a couple of very lovely ladies who'd gotten out of their own cars. They helped me park, and they washed the cut above my eye. They were amazing, despite being clearly in shock themselves.

​Police turned up within five minutes - and cleaned my wounds properly - the ambulance arriving a few minutes after that, giving me a more thorough examination.

All of it seemed so surreal, like it wasn't really happening to me. Why would I need an ambulance?! Why were the police there?! Where was all the blood coming from?

Quite coincidentally, and only adding to the dream-like events that were unfolding, my brother-in-law happened to be passing by - and he was able to take my car and the kids back home, as well as fetch my glasses for me; I'd been wearing my contact lenses when I got punched.

WRONG EYE
The thing I wasn't telling everyone, because I didn't want to worry them, was that I couldn't see out of my right eye. I could open it fine, but it was just whiteness. Like this thickest fog you could imagine.

I remember one Christmas, many, many years ago, visiting my aunt and uncle's house, when my uncle - who had gone blind in his 40s, from diabetes - described his sight to my mum. He said he could tell bright and dark tones, but not see anything specific. He was sat next to a Christmas tree, and told her that he could "tell his eyes were almost being poked out by the fairy lights", but couldn't pick out any detail. That's how I've always understood blindness; not blackness, but whiteness. That's what I was experiencing.

Contemplating being blind was the closest I got to being scared yesterday - thankfully, until it wore off about four hours later, the adrenaline took care of any other feelings. I chatted happily with one of the police officers about Star Wars - I was wearing the same Rebel Alliance t-shirt I had on when I got my photo taken with Mark Hamill last weekend (it's now covered in blood, obviously) - and making stupid jokes.

In some respects it was all rather exciting. I got my first ever ride in an ambulance, and I knew I was going to have a black eye. As a kid, I always wanted a black eye and a broken arm - thanks to having these injuries somewhat romanticised by The Beano. In the past 12 months I've had both, and can now tick them off the bucket list.

I got very well looked after by my local hospital - bless the NHS, once again - before getting transferred to Moorfields. Slowly, my sight improved a little over the course of the day. The blurry vision and pressure in my eye was down to internal bleeding, and they're hopeful that there won't be any permanent damage. We'll find out more when I go back tomorrow.

​Right now, it's like looking through an incredibly dirty window.
PictureBEAUTIFUL EYESHADOW
HINDSIGHT
When I've written on here about personal events, it has tended to be with a degree of hindsight, when I've got the benefit of distance and perspective to understand what something means. I don't always write about what I'm feeling in the here-and-now. Gut reactions can rarely be trusted. 

When I was foolishly training to be a psychotherapist a few years ago, we learned that some counsellors will refuse to take on clients who are in love.

Being in love floods your body with chemicals that can send your judgement and emotions out of whack. Being physically assaulted does something similar.

I'm aware enough to know that I might still be in shock right now, but... I don't think so. I think I passed that point yesterday, when my fight or flight wore off while I was having my eye examined, and I started trembling.

​When I was bullied at school, or harassed online, the resulting damage came from it feeling personal. I felt targeted. I never saw the person who did this. It was an utterly random attack. There was nothing personal about it. I may as well have been hit by a tree or a falling chimney.

SORRY
Once again, I'm so sorry I won't be able to make it to Retro Revival on Saturday. It's an absolute pisser, and I feel terrible for letting down the lovely guys who asked me along.

I put up the message yesterday because I felt it better to tell people sooner rather than later that I wouldn't be attending. Maybe I'm naïve, but it wasn't an attempt to get sympathy, and I was completely unprepared for the wave of love and generosity which washed my way.

I started off trying to reply to all of you individually on Twitter, Facebook and on here... but it became impossible in the end. Just know that I read every message, appreciated every message more than I can express, and that every single message I received felt like the virtual hug that it was intended to be.

Honestly, between your sentiments, texts and emails from friends and family, and the kindness of the police, of the ambulance service, the nurses and doctors at the hospitals, and the passers-by who looked after me, and the Uber driver who brought me home from hospital, I lay in bed last night feeling terribly guilty, that I didn't deserve it all. Why would I be getting all this?! Surely other people need it more than I do?!?

We only have to read a newspaper to know that people suffer far worse than I did. I'm lucky he didn't have a knife or a gun (as is my ridiculously wonderful fiancée, Sanya: the idiot), or that he didn't go for one of the kids (even though they all remain shaken up).

This isn't meant to read as some sort of false modesty, or a way to generate sympathy by going "Oh, don't worry about me... I'm fiiiiiine... No, really I am <SOB>". 

I mean it. I am lucky. I am blessed. I am a fortunate bastard. And contrary to yesterday making me feel more unsafe, it demonstrated that the world IS a good place. For every mental, for every radicalised lunatic, or broken, violent, soul, or drug-addled crazy, there are a thousand good, kind, decent, people.

The world has felt so broken and wrong and out of kilter for so much of 2016. Yesterday proved to me that it isn't anything of the sort. Thank you.

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
HOW SAYING GOODBYE TO DIGITISER BROKE MY HEART - BY MR BIFFO
GAMES OF MY YEARS: ROLE-PLAYING
GAMES OF MY YEARS: GAME BOY - BY MR BIFFO​
59 Comments
DD
27/7/2016 11:20:23 am

That's crazy mate. I hope you and your family are okay. What a mad world we live in.

Reply
Dan de la peche
27/7/2016 11:24:02 am

That looks fucking nasty. I do fight sports for a hobby, and getting punched in the face when you *are* expecting it is pretty rubbish, so I can only try to empathise with how much that one must've hurt.

Are your kids and missus alright? That kind of invasion of somewhere you think is safe can really fuck with people's minds.

I hope your family can get eventually this all straight in their heads; my missus still has nightmares from an incident that happened many years ago.

Here's hoping a full recovery, both mentally and physically.

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Guru Larry link
27/7/2016 11:43:40 am

I'm really sorry to hear about the attack dude, I'm forever being lunged at by nutters for absolutely no reason at all, so I know what it's like to be attacked out of the blue. Kept me inside for a while too.

Hopefully they get the bastard.

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combat_honey
27/7/2016 11:48:40 am

Jesus Christ, I must have somehow missed this yesterday, despite usually checking Digi a couple of times a day and having Twitter permanently wired directly to my brain.

In any case, I'm so, so glad that you and your family are okay, and also very glad that you've managed to take it in your stride and even managed to see some positives in what happened. That's actually pretty inspiring. I know that if I were attacked like you were I'd be furious and bitter about it for ages, so it's good to see someone with a more rational and emotionally healthy perspective on things, and I'll try to take that on board myself.

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Alastair
27/7/2016 11:49:03 am

Ouch, but I can't help feeling you missed a trick by not doing a reveal of some sort up there at the top of the page.

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jawa
27/7/2016 12:01:11 pm

Only just heard this news... wow. That attack was awful; it's frightening to think that someone could use that kind of violence totally unexpectedly. I hope that you and your family swiftly recover and that the attacker is brought to justice.

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@sn1ds
27/7/2016 12:01:13 pm

Sorry to hear about this Biffo.
Hope you make a full recovery.

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Wadaload
27/7/2016 12:17:41 pm

If a random, unprovoked assault can be a catalyst for restoring your faith in humanity, then things can't be all that bad.

Or... were you just another casualty of Pokémon go?

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Dezzer
27/7/2016 12:19:18 pm

Hi Biffo. Glad your on the mend. Random events like this can really mess with your head. I spent 30 years as a firefighter dealing with random events that changed peoples lives. Trees falling on cars travelling at 40 miles an hour!!!! What are the odds of that. Life changing things that wouldn't have happened if they had left 10 seconds earlier or later, or had been delayed, or been sat 3 inches to the left or right. I'm not a religious guy, but after seeing this sort of stuff week in week out, the only way I could rationalize it was believing in fate. Perhaps we are here being tested. Your life's all mapped out for you. When I came across a horrific multi-car pile up and everyone was out of there cars and sat on the bank fine, and then go to a minor looking crash and people would be in there car dead it made no sense and that's how I ended up dealing with it. All these things end up shaping our lives and defining us. Every event no matter how bad can have a positive outcome, and shape us in a positive way. Just look at people like Simon Weston, Katie Piper, and the many Paralympians. You'll never make sense of it, but I'm sure you'll never see your missus in the same light again. When a loved one reacts like that, yes it wasn't the most sensible thing to do, but boy I'd be very proud. She's definitely a keeper. Get well soon, and please give your missus a big hug from me, and a big bunch of flowers from you. All the best to you and your family.

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Dezzer
27/7/2016 12:24:59 pm

Oops, should have read it back before I posted it. Excuse the spelling errors, got me there's, and theirs mixed up.

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AcidBeard
27/7/2016 12:26:45 pm

Could have been a Machop.

Hope you make a speedy recovery and that they catch the guy so he doesn't do anything like this, or worse, to someone else. It's hard to comprehend things like this.

I do think your eye is in need of a villainous eyepatch though.

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Spiney O'Sullivan
27/7/2016 12:42:13 pm

Looking on the bright side, that article got loads of comments, even without mentioning any notable recent gaming controversies/culture wars. So that's... something?

Seriously though, what a bizarre story. Hopefully the family are fine, and your sight returns quickly.

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Simon Reed
27/7/2016 12:55:37 pm

What a bizarre turn of events. Hope you get better soon (and that they catch that maniac).

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Darren
27/7/2016 12:55:39 pm

Props to your missus, though it could have got worse hope you are well and continue as per when you are better, knock his bins over when they find him xxxx

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Seam
27/7/2016 12:59:51 pm

Truly shocking and bizarro tale. Best wishes to you all and hoping for a speedy recovery.

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Matt N link
27/7/2016 01:01:48 pm

Utterly bonkers. But maybe there's something to take away here - that the majority of people (who aren't punching people in the face) aren't bad people after all and inherently want to help. Take it easy and get better soon.

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Darren link
27/7/2016 01:07:06 pm

Sorry to hear about this, but it isn't shocking. There are an awful lot of men out there looking for a brawl and when trouble comes your way it can sometimes be very hard to avoid it. I hope this guy gets what's coming to him, but he'll probably just get a pat on the head.

The Missus told me an anecdotal story about her workmate cycling into work and being behind another male cyclist who would, an random moments, spit into the faces of women pedestrians waiting to cross the road, as if nothing was awry.

We live in strange times and I hope the drugs are strong. Get well soon.

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Adam
27/7/2016 01:08:35 pm

Sanya = legend.

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David W
27/7/2016 01:10:36 pm

Biffovision will return.

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Paddy Hill
27/7/2016 01:19:45 pm

All the best, Biff!

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Dagenham Swish
27/7/2016 01:29:07 pm

Holy McNamara that's some shocking ordeal you've had to contend with Biffotron. Glad you're on the mend and all, and really, really hope you, the missus and in particular the kids are able to get through this.

Your ability to take it in your stride and see some positives in it are remarkable. Going through my own heavy period right now and your strength and positivity are a god damn inspiration. Hugz and hollas from the whole of Leicester geekdom.

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Harry Medium
27/7/2016 01:40:20 pm

Obviously an Amiga owner. Or Dave Perry.

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Spiney O'Sullivan
27/7/2016 01:46:44 pm

Maybe a very aggrieved Sonic 3 fan. Using his *knuckles* then *running* away? A subtle web of clues.

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RG
27/7/2016 01:43:46 pm

Sounds horrible! I've suffered similar attacks - usually because I have the audacity to have long hair. I hope you can all put it out of your mind soon.

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Mr Biffo
28/7/2016 07:19:34 am

Oh god. Don't tell me it was the hair for me too...

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RG
28/7/2016 02:16:10 pm

Whatever made him do it is his problem, not yours...

Penyrolewen
5/8/2016 08:39:34 pm

It wasn't me! Despite the hair envy comments, it wasn't me!
In all seriousness, as I've said elsewhere, I'm late to this party due to being away but love, peace and swift recovery to you Biffo.
Ahoy

Sleepydays
27/7/2016 02:03:11 pm

Jesus, that's absolutely horrifying. Wishing you a speedy recovery, mister!

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Dave
27/7/2016 02:53:40 pm

That sounds terrible and really hope they do catch the culprit. Hope everything heals with no damage

Swift recovery dude

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Voodoo76
27/7/2016 03:04:00 pm

Of all the people who deserve a good kicking you are certainly not one of them. I'm sure you'll come out of it ok and I really hope it doesn't have a lasting effect on your girls.

Have you any idea what caused the rage as its really bizarre, even in this crazy world?

Sending you lots of love and man hugs.

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Mallo
27/7/2016 03:09:52 pm

Hope you heal up fully, soon Paul. Horrified to hear about this. Hope Sanya and the kids are okay too. Truly shocking! On a positive note: well-written piece, as always, though. Don't know how you managed it with that shiner. Hope they catch him and throw the book at him. Love and positive thoughts to you all. Mallo

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Sacaryduckusssss
27/7/2016 03:21:49 pm

Bloody hell, Biff. You're one of the good guys and this ain't supposed to happen. You're probably wise enough to realise that if you get adverse mental effects because of this, don't bottle it up - go see somebody. Here speaks the voice of experience.

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Elliot
27/7/2016 03:47:56 pm

Blimey. Hope you're on the mend mate. You should capitalise on that shiner though, start smoking cigars and wearing leather jackets like a bad man who doesn't play by no one's rules not no how. Silver lining right there.

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Zarion
27/7/2016 04:39:06 pm

Wow that is pretty mental, maybe he knew your childhood wishes and just wanted to help?

Jokes aside hope you and the family are all okay.

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Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
27/7/2016 05:27:51 pm

Poor Biffo. I've been on the receiving end of too many of these, from crackheads, chavs and lager louts. It's not fun and with a gammy eye you can't even indulge your games during convalescence properly. At least when I crashed my motorbike I hurt my legs so I was free to play Xbox all day.

Get well, and maybe make a point of going through that area a few times to remind yourself that it was a random thing and you needn't fear.

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Barrybarrybarrybarry
27/7/2016 06:06:29 pm

That's awful news! Bit late to this one, but rest up and get well soon. Plenty of fluids, although I'll let you choose which. Hopefully Vimto.

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Mr Biffo
27/7/2016 06:11:36 pm

Bloody hell. You lot are all so lovely. It makes simultaneously feel so much better, and shockingly guilty.

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Retroresolution link
27/7/2016 06:37:39 pm

Guilty? You've absolutely nothing to feel guilt over - your efforts with Digi and elsewhere bring pleasure to many; the least we can do is offer (genuine) sympathy and support.

Your ability to remain magnanimous is, frankly, both laudable and remarkable.

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Stuart
27/7/2016 06:55:45 pm

Damn, that sucks. Am on holiday right now so have been a bit behind on Digi reading, and am just reading about this now. Adding my support to others' for you and your family. Glad the eyesight's back.

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Keith
27/7/2016 07:30:04 pm

Bloody hell, what a thing to happen. Speedy recovery & good vibes at you.
Was it an Amiga owner? etc

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Anthony Smith
27/7/2016 08:33:38 pm

Getting attacked out of nowhere is a horrible thing. I had that once when some twats threw stuff at me, I told them to stop and before I knew it three of them were kicking me on the floor. Luckily only injuries were some bruises and a wonky top tooth which probably would have been wonkier if my corresponding bottom tooth hadn't kindly sacrificed its top to stop the tooth going down my throat. And 2 days before Christmas too, which made eating sausages and turkey quite tricky.

Get well soon Biffo. Sounds like you're all healing up and stuff. Yay for medicines and painkillers!

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SlothHoffman
27/7/2016 08:38:06 pm

Sorry about crappy dose of weirdness. Hope you and the family are doing ok. It's good to read that you're concentrating on the positive reactions of those around you, family and strangers. Get well soon sir!

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Col. Asdasd
27/7/2016 08:52:35 pm

Best wishes Biffo. Your ordeal sounds strange and sad and mad. Sincerely hope that's the extent of your misfortune for the next century or so.

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paulvw
27/7/2016 08:59:39 pm

Just read this on facebook so came on here. Still shocked. In front of the family too, somehow makes it seem worse. Kudos to your Missus for chasing after the bloke, glad she didn't come to harm. Really glad to hear your sight is sorting itself out. Best Wishes for a speedy recovery.

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Chris Wyatt
27/7/2016 09:03:58 pm

Back in the days when I was a drunken idiot; well, more of a drunken idiot than I am now: I went to a bar and stashed a bottle of wine for consumption at a rather crazy lock-in I used to go to in Cardiff.

I made friends with a nice bunch of out-of-town Northeners and invited them to the lock-in. We walked quite far, but the lock-in was unfortunately cancelled, so felt like a bit of a twat for dragging them all that way. They suggested going back to theirs so we ended up walking up one of the main high streets (not a dodgy area and quite central).

Out of nowhere a load of coked up cunts swarmed down the street and attacked us. Heroically, I hid behind a bin. I remember seeing the guys lying on the floor, and basically having the shit kicked out of them. It reminded me of the ultra-violence in Clockwork Orange.

The leader of the gang (or at least he gave off that impression) discovered me, so the best thing I could think to do was hand him the bottle of wine I'd been saving. Amazingly that worked: I managed to use my idiotic drunken charms to avoid having my face kicked in.

One of them (a Manc) had blood all over his face and he looked an absolute state.

I felt sorry for the guys and invited them back to mine to let them clear themselves up, and bought some ciggies (even though I don't smoke) and some strong spirits, because it seemed to be what all of us needed!

But a very weird, surreal evening that I won't be forgetting any time soon. The gang that were out that night were very young, and looked like they just wanted the buzz of acting on all the adrenaline that they'd artificially conjured up.

You hear about these crazy situations, but most of us don't expect to get caught up in them.

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timmypoos
27/7/2016 09:12:26 pm

Your eye looks very pretty.

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alan foz
27/7/2016 10:37:15 pm

Get well soon Biffo,the world is getting scary

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Sympo
27/7/2016 11:09:16 pm

Biffo get this: well soon.

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octoroc
28/7/2016 09:04:06 am

Hi Mr Biffo, I was dismayed to hear this news but DELIGHTED to discover this wonderful website. I've just moved to Germany, but I'll subscribe as soon as I have a bank account that has money in it. I'm going to buy a T-shirt too. I'm reckless like that.

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The Excession
28/7/2016 06:27:37 pm

Very sorry to hear about this random shitgibbon ruining your day, Mr Biffo. Wishing you a speedy recovery and that the arsehat responsible gets his just desserts.

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Kendall9000
28/7/2016 08:04:41 pm

Sounds like a scary character. Not someone I'd ever want to mess with.

But enough about your nutter chasing fiancée - I hope they catch the guy who punched you before he does it again and outright murders some poor bugger.

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Toaster
29/7/2016 12:04:32 am

Let us know when they catch the arsehole, yeah? I hope you can recover 100% ASAP.

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Superbeast 37
29/7/2016 10:03:35 am

Very sorry to read this. Glad you weren't too seriously hurt.

But yeah the world isn't going to pot, some people are just dicks! We can look for motives, reasons and grand conspiracies but in most cases, and as unsatisfactory as it may seem to victims, the real answer is just plain "dick"!

Dicks will be dicks. All they need is an opportunity and that can be as simple as a lowered window or the online equivalent.

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Bruce Flagpole
29/7/2016 10:05:05 am

Rotten stuff Mr B, hope you and your family can get over it and recover.
Nice, positive response from you though, good to see you took it all on the chin (eye).
And props to your brave/silly missus.

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Dr Kank
29/7/2016 11:21:44 am

Hopefully, this guy was on steroids and all the really bad side effects start to kick in. Karma for the win!

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Acid_Arrow
29/7/2016 12:15:39 pm

Wow, that's a shocker, hope you and your family recover quickly.

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Cc
2/8/2016 04:43:56 pm

Bestest of wishes, Mr B.

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Mr Biffo
3/8/2016 10:49:20 am

Thanks again, everyone for the messages. I'm properly on the mend now.

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Random Reviewer
3/8/2016 07:23:45 pm

Jesus. The world is a crazy place. Glad to hear you're recovering well Mr B.

Reply



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