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THE BEST THINGS I EVER GOT FOR CHRISTMAS - by Mr Biffo

13/12/2016

35 Comments

 
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My parents always seemed hard up.

Barring one visit to America, because my sister had moved over there, summer holidays were always spent in a budget caravan in some affordable spot of the UK. I remember fielding calls from Barclaycard's debt management department while my mother pretended not to be in. We also had numerous lodgers, and for a while I shared a room with my two older sisters, so one of these hairy waifs had somewhere to sleep. 

Yet at Christmas my mum always went all-out. Food would be stacked from sideboard to ceiling, and the pile of presents was always huge, and - with hindsight - probably rather vulgar. Spoilt doesn't even cover it, but it perhaps became a way to compensate for the rest of the year. I dunno. Or maybe I was the best kid ever, and just really deserved it all.

Apropos it being Christmas, here's a rundown of some of the best things I ever got.
FLEETWAY ANNUAL
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The start of my Christmas excitement would begin on... well, it would begin on January 1st usually. However, the season really got underway when my mother gave me a Fleetway annual in early December.
​
Whizzer & Chips, Shiver & Shake, Cheeky - I was always more a Fleetway boy than a DC Thompson one... although I did read Topper regularly - mainly for Danny's Tranny (not what it sounds) - until it was cancelled. Plus, I got the Beano and Dandy summer specials every year, so it wasn't like I was unfamiliar with Dennis the Menace, Korky the Cat, and - yes - Biffo the Bear.

To my mind, the DC Thompson characters were just a bunch of thugs, whereas Fleetway had the likes of Faceache, The Krazy Gang, and Sid's Snake. Also, the best free gifts. Also also, it annoyed me that Biffo the Bear looked more like a monkey.

Mainly, you can attribute my Fleetway loyalty to the fact that my mother had a friend who worked for Fleetway's distributor, and could get the annuals cheaply. The other thing I remember about this woman is that her husband once punched a female bus driver in the face, and spent some time in prison.
AURORA AFX POLICE CHASE & RACE
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Cars weren't really my thing. They're still not, which is why I drive around in a vehicle that is so old that the only thing holding it together is a crust of filth.

​Toy cars were only ever bought for me by relations who didn't know me better... inevitably, the big box of Matchbox, Dinky, and Corgi replicas I had would be used to mark out the corridors of Star Wars bases and spaceships. As you read this list, you'll note that this is a recurring theme; almost everything in my formative years became a prop for my Star Wars toys.

It wasn't just toys; my parents had a pair of wooden stools which - when placed together - would be a Star Destroyer. Lego was only ever used to make, say, Cloud City. Even a metal bell of my mother's, in the shape of a Victorian lady, became C-3PO's girlfriend. Obviously, I was too young to realise the homosexual subtext beneath Anthony Daniels' performance.

Consequently, I never yearned for a Scalextric set. I liked the idea of TCR - with its slotless tracks - but the only time I ever got really excited about toy racing cars was seeing the Aurora Chase & Race set in my mum's Littlewoods catalogue.

AFX appealed to me because the cars were smaller than those from Scalextric and TCR, and featured something called Flexitrack - basically, a jointed section of track, which could be placed in such a way as to create banking sections or undulating terrain. Plus, the Chase & Race set was extra cool, because the headlights on the cars actually worked, and one of them was a police car - with flashing lights.

I probably played with it about twice. Cars.
3.D.S
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No - not the Nintendo handheld. The 3.D.S system was Hornby's attempt to bring model railways up to date.

Like most boys, I had a basic model railway layout, but it never interested me much - beyond putting things on the tracks to see if the train would smash through them. All the trains ever did were go round and round and round. I never saw the appeal.

The 3.D.S was a Chris Foss-style spaceship, which ran along a monorail-like track, which could be laid out vertically as well as horizontally.

What's more, it came with another ship, which could be held like a gun. Indeed: it was an infra-red gun, which fired at the monorail ship, and showed a score read-out on the rear, indicating how many times you'd shot it. Given the sloth-like speed of the other ship, it wasn't notably challenging.

Hornby released a bunch of accessories - including additional ships - but my favourites were the polystyrene planets, which could be hung around your track, giving it an extra impression of outer-space-y-ness. Trippy.
MAGIC ROUNDABOUT PLAYGROUND
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Pre-school, many childrens' programmes terrified me. I would scream for the television to be turned off the second Rod Hull and Emu appeared, and the twig-limbed Raggety from Rupert the Bear gave me existential nightmares. Even Doctor Who in those days was something to be feared.

The Magic Roundabout, however, was the first TV show I ever loved. It was the last thing I'd watch before being put to bed... which suggests my parents put me to bed uncommonly early. 

The Magic Roundabout Playground came with all the characters, plus a working roundabout, and a train which ran around its circumference when a crank was turned. I probably looked as cool playing it as those kids on the packaging did. Especially him on the left.
EMU PUPPET
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Yes, that's right: I conquered my fear of Emu eventually, and got an actual Emu puppet. On one of the few white Christmases I've experienced, I remember putting on an "Emu show" for my family, which amounted to little more than me crouching behind my Nan's sofa and moving my Emu back and forth above it, while his mouth flapped open and closed.

​And then using it to attack Uncle Don, for which I was told to stop, because Uncle Don was blind and didn't know what was going on.
SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN FIGURE
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Talking of my Uncle Don... he also had a prosthetic leg (all a consequence of diabetes, which he made the mistake of ignoring).

When I received my Six Million Dollar Man figure - the same Christmas as Emu, I remember - I asked him if he was bionic too. He assured me he was, so I pressed him between the shoulder blades to see if he had a button like my my toy. He didn't, but he played along gamely, thrusting his fake leg into the air in the same manner as the Bionic Man would raise his arm. 

My favourite aspect of the Six Million Dollar Man toy were his forearms, the skin of which could be rolled up to his elbows, revealing his bell-end (bionics). He also had a bionic eye, which could be peered through via a hole in the back of his head.

​Unfortunately, rather than having a telescoping effect - like in the TV show - the bionic eye on the toy made everything appear further away. 
STAR BIRD
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There was a clear Star Wars influence with Star Bird - the dome at the toy's rear resembled an X-Wing R2 droid socket. Inevitably, this ship became part of my Rebel fleet, while the Star Bird Command Base - a towering, cardboard, space station (sold separately) - was usually an Imperial space port.

The main selling point of Star Bird was its sound effects. In addition to the standard laser noises when a button was pressed, it also had in-flight sounds which rose or fell depending on how you pointed the nose of the ship.

It was also possible to reconfigure the ship into three different forms. I once got into enormous trouble for half-burying the nose section in a large plant pot, and pouring water into it to make a swamp.

Admittedly, most of the swamp ended up on the kitchen floor, but then main thing I take from that was my furious - and otherwise unashamedly working-class - grandmother stating, upon seeing the mess, "Where does one even begin?!".

My confusion as to why she was suddenly talking all posh somewhat softened the sting of the massive bollocking I got.
DENYS FISHER FOURTH DOCTOR AND TARDIS
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I was a terrible one for looking for my presents in the run-up to Christmas. Until about the age of 14, I'd always sneak into my parents' bedroom to see what they'd got me.

When it came to discovering the Denys Fisher TARDIS I took things to another level: I didn't even wait until they were downstairs. In fact, I got up early one morning and snuck into their bedroom while they were still asleep, and removed the TARDIS from my mum's wardrobe.

Of course, she woke up and wanted to know what I was doing. I fumbled an excuse - something feeble, about not knowing the TARDIS was for me (no attempt to explain why else I might've been looking in her wardrobe at 6.30am) - and somehow she let it slide. 

Admittedly, the Fourth Doctor figure doesn't much resemble Tom Baker - for some reason, I always thought it looked more like New Avengers actor Gareth Hunt. The TARDIS itself was awesome though: you could put Tom Baker inside, turn one of the buttons on top, and when you opened the doors again he'd vanished! Just like he'd do in the BBC TV show Doctor Who! 
PALITOY DEATH STAR
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This might be the greatest thing I ever owned. I got more play out of this one toy than anything else ever.

The only thing which annoyed me about it were the painted-on Stormtroopers. Did the real Death Star sport murals of Stormtroopers on its walls? No it did not. I tended to just pretend they weren't there. They were two-dimensional lies.

What I didn't realise at the time - but have since learned - is that the Palitoy cardboard Death Star was exclusive to Europe. It was one of the few sets which Palitoy - who owned the licence to distribute Star Wars toys in the UK - produced itself. America got a big, plastic, Death Star from Kenner (which never made it to these shores), but looking at pictures of the two side-by-side we definitely got the better deal. 

Oddly, I even remember the day my mum went Christmas shopping to get this. I was left behind in the officer's mess at the Territorial Army centre where my dad was manning the bar that day. I played with the dartboard and the microwave.
IMPERIAL ATTACK BASE
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I was always more interested in playsets than ships for my Star Wars characters. Apart from the huge Millennium Falcon, there wasn't much you could do with ships other than pretend they were flying around. The playsets - the environment - is where the real drama and adventures happen.

The Imperial Attack Base - depicting a location never even seen on-screen - was one of my favourites. It worked brilliantly when paired with the bits of polystyrene I'd use to make up the rest of the ice planet Hoth.

Much to my mother's annoyance, I had a habit of heating a knife over the gas hob, and using it to sculpt the polystyrene into usable shapes. This had the effect of a) Ruining her knives, and b) Leaving blobs of molten polystyrene all over the house.
ACTION MAN TRAINING TOWER
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I was big into my Action Man stuff for a while, though due to the size of the figures, there was very little in the way of playsets. The Training Tower was as close as the toys ever got.

The one I received was missing several parts - my mum had picked it up second hand from somewhere, along with a bunch of other Action Man odds and sods. It was missing the death slide and the cargo net, but the tower itself - all plastic, rivited girders - was great.

​Also, again, it became a vital Star Wars accessory for representing part of the unfinished Death Star from Return of the Jedi, which softened the knowledge that I'd inherited some other kid's dirty, cast-off toys.
HAUNTED HOUSE BOARD GAME
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I don't think this was bought for me. If I remember correctly, one of my sisters received it for Christmas. Nevertheless, like most family board games in our household, it gathered dust until I repurposed it for Star Wars reasons. I did the same with my sisters' pottery wheel, their Mouse Trap, and Sindy dream houses.

Haunted House was one of a couple of 1970s horror-themed board games - I had a similar soft spot for one based upon a ghost train. Both were notable for featuring detailed, 3D environments, like Mouse Trap. Have you ever seen a modern version of Mouse Trap? It's cheap as anything - rather than the sturdy, impossible-to-set-up original version.

Haunted House was similarly well made, with its quartet of rooms, traps, and a central staircase and fireplace; perfect as the backdrop to any lightsabre duel. 
JAWS GAME
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Here's another present that I learned about early, when I burst into my parents' bedroom to find my mother in the middle of wrapping it up. She tried to tell me that it was a present that she'd bought for herself... but that was about as convincing as if she'd told me she'd bought herself a book about the history of combat axes. 

Jaws was essentially a take on Buckaroo - a game I never actually owned - but with spring-loaded shark's mouth in place of a fiesty mule. Clearly, it was inspired from that scene in Jaws where they cut open a shark, revealing - among other things - a car licence plate.

​Probably a weird choice for a child's game, but at least I could use the bits and pieces as Action Man accessories.
CHEMISTRY SET
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Like many kids who yearned after a chemistry set, I dreamed of blowing up my home. We all imagined ourselves as mad scientists, mixing vials of coloured fluids, and creating technicolour mushroom clouds.

Alas, barring igniting the iron filings, chemistry sets offered little in the way of pyrotechnics. The experiments in the packaged instruction manual were generally sedate, and dealt more with the educational side of things.

I had two big successes with my chemistry set, purely by mixing the chemicals with liquids that I found in my dad's shed. A viscous, purple, slime solidified into a rubbery substance, and another gave me the closest I got to an explosion: I chucked almost everything I had remaining into a test tube, stuck a cork in the top, and give it a vigorous shake.

​The brown stains from the resulting eruption were still on my bedroom ceiling when I moved out years later. 
HUGO - MAN OF A THOUSAND FACES
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Some of you might recognise Hugo from Biffovision - he was the basis of the puppet BW. With hindsight, it was a bizarre concept for a toy: a puppet/doll who could be disguised using a selection of rubber prosthetics, wigs, facial hair, and glasses.

As I recall, few of the make-up appliances stayed on his face particularly well - they seemed to have been designed for something else altogether - and after a while my Hugo was covered with a tacky residue of spirit gum and stray hairs. As was my own face, when I tried applying his disguises to myself.

Being an uncommon child, I got it into my head that Hugo was based upon the French artist Henri de Toulouse-Latrec; after all, he wore what appeared to be an artist's smock, and shared a diminutive stature with the famously short painter. 

​To this end, most of the play I got from Hugo was from terrorising my nieces during their afternoon naps, with what I told them was the ghost of Toulouse-Latrec.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
WHAT'S THE REAL STORY BEHIND THESE PHOTOS OF KIDS GETTING GAMES SYSTEMS FOR CHRISTMAS?
MR T'S STRESS-FREE CHRISTMAS
15 AWFUL CHRISTMAS ALBUM COVERS
35 Comments
Paul
13/12/2016 12:49:48 pm

Where to start?

TCR - I had one of those. So did a friend, and we used to put our sets together and race on a big layout. I liked the size of the cars - you could get better kayouts in a smaller space than you could with Scaelextric. TCR also had what they called “Jam Cars” which ran at about 2/3 the top speed of the regular cars. They always stayed in one lane - but later saw the release of a Jam Car that changed lanes seemingly at random.

The StarBird was something I wanted, but was never bought. I found one in a charity shop a few years back for some silly amount like £10. This tenner also snagged me the cardboard base - massive thing that the StarBird could land on.

One of the things I always looked forward to was the bag of books my great aunt would give me. She worked in Dillons in London, so got books on discount. Inside that bag was always a Tintin book, which was a big favourite of mine (and still is). Most of the English books in my Tintin collection came from her.

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Ste Pickford
13/12/2016 12:52:14 pm

Oh wow, that Starbird has brought loads of memories flooding back. I think I must of lusted after one of those for years as a kid, and maybe played with one in a toy shop, but never had one. I hadn't thought of it since being a kid, but as soon as I saw the picture of the box I could instantly remember the sounds it made.

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Mr Biffo
13/12/2016 08:15:38 pm

The only disappointing bit of it was that the cockpit didn't open. Gorrrrrgeous toy, though.

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ORLESS
13/12/2016 12:56:56 pm

Niiice. Recall a few of them, including the Haunted House game and that space train set, both of which I'd completely forgotten existed.

My late 70s/early 80s favourites were:

Jimmy - Although not big into football, this laughably shit 'electronic football' game was my obsession for at least six months.

Powertrack Race & Chase - I give your fancy Aurora set the big side-eye as my Matchbox kit could do big skids. And jumps.

Chutes Away - Perhaps the world's only parachuting simulator which seemed to hold interest for much longer than seems feasible, or healthy. We used to pretend we were just bombing the villages.

Darda - Owning a Darda set instantly made me the coolest on the street. I used to laugh at people with their wimpy Hot Wheels or Matchbox car tracks. This shit was the Real Deal. So, so fast.

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Kara Van Park
13/12/2016 01:08:08 pm

How old were you when you were messing about with red hot knives and polystyrene?

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Mr Biffo
13/12/2016 01:24:38 pm

Young enough to still be trying to do it in secret...

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Bobby Chuckles
13/12/2016 01:19:36 pm

I took my Emu puppet to a panto starring Rod Hull, and he ran down the aisle with the real Emu, who snatched it from my arm and tossed it into row z. I still can't work out if this was an exciting, fun event, or a terrifying experience that I've never really dealt with...

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Mr Biffo
13/12/2016 01:25:04 pm

I hope the actual event was as amusing as the depiction of it I have in my head.

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Starbuck
15/12/2016 09:56:38 pm

I took mine to a Hull-starring panto as well. Fond memories of playing with it on the top deck of the show-bound bus. Glad I didn't dare let Rod anywhere near my Emu.

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Gosunkugi
13/12/2016 01:39:18 pm

I could never have enough Transformers, to the point that I'd make substitutes for the ones I didn't own out of Lego and Meccano. My Megatron was a sight to behold. I used to use other figures for Star Wars stand-ins all the time. Faceman from the A-Team collection made a terrific Luke Skywalker (Jedi Knight).

Does anyone remember a toy that was sort of an off road vehicle, lots of tubes, with a flexible pipe plugged into the top you blew into to make it go? I enjoyed that immensely, at least until I pulled it apart to see how it worked and couldn't put it together again.

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Super Bad Advice
13/12/2016 01:57:19 pm

I was also thoroughly into Transformers. One of my best presents ever - on the basis that all presents when you're a kid are 50% about the toy, 50% bragging rights to your mates who don't have that toy - was getting Shockwave (the cycloptic ray gun who they wouldn't sell in the UK in fear of someone using it to hold up WH Smiths, despite happily selling the far more actual gun-shaped Megatron) from my Dad, who lived in Canada. My status as king of the Transformers owners at school lasted all of 15 minutes until someone else revealed they'd got an imported Swoop (the pterodactyl dinobot) for xmas. Stupid dinobots.

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Kelvin Green link
13/12/2016 07:49:38 pm

I think you got the better deal there. Swoop is ace, but that Shockwave toy was wonderful. On the plus side, we did get some toys that the US didn't get, like Thunderclash.

I am a grown man and one of my prized possessions is a Unicron.

Carlos Nightman link
13/12/2016 02:24:05 pm

That Haunted House game looks identical to Ghost Castle, which I had. It came with a glow-in-the-dark skull which would fall down the chimney or stairs to mess you up.
I also used all of my other sets to make a wider Universe to reference whatever I was into at the time - StarCom sets, He-Man castles and figures, and my hundreds of MUSCLE men (matron) would all be used for epic weekend long battles. Until mum came along and tidied it all up because 'that's where the dining room table goes'.

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Mr Biffo
13/12/2016 02:39:22 pm

Yes! I'd forgotten about the skull! You didn't know which fireplace it would roll out of! I think it was used to knock over playing pieces.

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Voodoo76
13/12/2016 04:45:23 pm

I think where the skull fell determined which 'death' your playing piece would suffer, if you were unfortunate enough to be stood in that spot. Well I think that's how we played it!!

Mr Safety
13/12/2016 04:08:56 pm

Loved seeing BW in his original form!
Is that toy also the inspiration for Mr Hugo's name?

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Mr Biffo
13/12/2016 04:10:16 pm

Indeed so.

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Spiney O'Sullivan
13/12/2016 06:50:53 pm

What does BW stand for anyway? Or would knowing ruin the magic?

Biscuits the Mule
13/12/2016 04:37:34 pm

I see you went for the 'Shaun Ryder' look for Hugo

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RG
13/12/2016 04:43:53 pm

Wow - Haunted House / Ghost Castle has brought back some half memories from from when I was very young.

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Voodoo76
13/12/2016 04:47:53 pm

I had and loved the Star Bird. Was there also a smaller black enemy version??

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Mr Biffo
13/12/2016 08:16:46 pm

There was! Or I think there was. I never had it. But yes - I do believe you're right.

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Mrtankthreat
13/12/2016 05:17:54 pm

Christmas was very much the same for me in that we didn't have much money but my folks would go all out at Christmas. It was actually ridiculous the amount of stuff we got when I think about it. We'd get stuff from Santa as well as from our folks and then you had aunties and uncles too.

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RichardM
13/12/2016 05:45:10 pm

Cor, Fleetway Annuals! I have the distinction of having learnt to read from old copies of Whizzer and Chips (and Ladybird Books: I wasn't entirely neglected). Would love a retrospective on them. Sweeny Toddler, Sweet Tooth, Junior Rotter, Store Wars: all that. Was going to buy an original Sweeny Toddler ink once, but balked at the staggering price.

Made my day thinking about all that. Cheers, Biffo,

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Chris
13/12/2016 06:21:04 pm

I was a big fan of Whizzer & Chips, from my shonky recollection I think my sister was bought a copy when she was ill, and I picked up the habit and all the back issues at some later date. I had a big box full of them and the Monthlies which I gave away. However, I kept hold of (possibly by accident) a couple of annuals - I have the 1988 and the 1991 editions. Blimey, 1991? That must have been one of the last ones.

I've just checked on Wikipedia (which we all know is entirely reliable) and Whizzer & Chips closed in 1990. I'm confused now. It says it merged with Buster, and the Buster article helpfully "concludes" some of the stories from W&C. Odd Ball burst in a thorn bush. I'm so sad.

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RichardM
13/12/2016 08:21:17 pm

Show of hands, people: were you a Whizz-kid or a Chip-ite?

Whizz-kid here, like my man Sweeny Toddler.

Starbuck
15/12/2016 10:02:01 pm

RichardM - Whizzer all the way! Though I remember being slightly put out when Children's ITV started a show called Chips Comic which was sod all to do with W&C. Like it mattered.

Monkey Head
13/12/2016 07:01:38 pm

Loved this article, my parents were mostly broke too but I had the Starbird and it was great. In tended to go for the star wars figures (trying to build an army) and ground vehicles like the At At (favourite),Scout Walker and Speeder bikes. Another favourite was the Evel Knievel motorbike that you revved up first. My Grandad had a great scalectric car set, I think it had a Dukes of Hazard theme and we'd all play it for hours at a time, racing each other. Looking back now, with kids myself, I realise now just how much they gave to me, not just with toys but with love and support too. Makes me feel very lucky and I hope my kids can look bike like that too one day, although I reckon eighties toys were better than the ones they ask for now 😆.

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Treacle
13/12/2016 07:46:17 pm

Reading this I have come to the realisation, decades after the event, that while my parents weren't poor, the were bloody tight with their money. I did (and still do) have an emu puppet which I utilised as an integral part of my Rod Hull Halloween costume, which led to numerous requests for me to go and fix TV ariels.

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Penyrolewen
13/12/2016 09:48:17 pm

Whizz kid for sure. Who'd be a Chip-ite?
Some great toys there, I didn't have many of them but lots of similar stuff. But my real point is this:
EVEN Doctor Who scared you? Even? Even! That programme legendarily terrified generations of kids, me included. Behind the sofa at the first hint of that theme tune. Still never watched it, too many memories of that head Dalek bloke (Davros?).

Mind you, I was also scared of tufty the road safety squirrel and those pictures, fashionable in the 70s, of dogs playing cards, snooker and so on. Aaaaaargh! Dogs wearing clothes! And playing snooker? Why, why?

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Billy-Bob Thornton
13/12/2016 10:39:49 pm

Does it still count as a crime if you wear Emu on your hand when it goes up a ladies skirt? We will never know what went on in that Pink Windmill.

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Voodoo76
14/12/2016 11:11:34 am

Not if you convince the police you didn't know a lady was wearing said skirt at the time!

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Punctuat-ion Naz'i
14/12/2016 11:09:09 am

You see, you have one child, but many children. You therefore have one child's programme, but many children's programmes. I should charge you for all this advice. We could all it my apostrofee.

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mink car link
15/12/2016 01:41:12 pm

This was great. It's a shame that the internet ruined nostalgia with it's instant access to everything from the past...but I don't recall seeing the Jaws game since I had it as a little boy. Hah, the pieces were lots of fun to play with, more so than the actual game.

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Starbuck
15/12/2016 10:06:08 pm

Jaws had a very satisfying tight snap close if I remember right. (It swallowed your stuff without warning, etc)

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