I'm The Flaccid Tramp. Your first reaction to my name is probably one of amusement, but the fact is there's nothing funny about either homelessness or erectile dysfunction. Yeah - that's right: I'm homeless AND flaccid. Not so funny now, is it? It's bad enough sleeping in a bush, without the knowledge that I couldn't even get it up, if the opportunity arose.
Not that it ever really does, because I've not had a shower in months. Seriously - 'down there' stinks like an old ham that's been fished out of a stagnant canal. There's nothing funny about that really, is there? I have a terrible life.
Anyway, for some reason I've been asked to introduce this feature listing the newest and best apps for your smartphones. I don't own a smartphone of course. I'm homeless, poor, and can't maintain my own arousal. Bet you feel terrible for laughing at me now.
Not that it ever really does, because I've not had a shower in months. Seriously - 'down there' stinks like an old ham that's been fished out of a stagnant canal. There's nothing funny about that really, is there? I have a terrible life.
Anyway, for some reason I've been asked to introduce this feature listing the newest and best apps for your smartphones. I don't own a smartphone of course. I'm homeless, poor, and can't maintain my own arousal. Bet you feel terrible for laughing at me now.
GAMES
Richard 2 Orchard (iOS/Android £Free)
How would Richard II have fared as king if he'd been a peach orchard, rather than a human being? Find out in this fascinating alternative history strategy sim.
Pleatherdome (iOS/Android £Free)
Can you establish and run a successful pleather fetishwear manufacturing business? Now's your chance to find out, and compete with the big boys!
Angry Flaps (iOS/Android £Free)
Inspired by two of the most popular bird-based games of all time, Angry Flaps will make you furious with its needlessly graphic and derivative gameplay.
The Otter Side (iOS/Android £Free)
What would Heaven be like if it was full of otters? Find out in this whimsical platform-style game!
Worbs (iOS/Android £Free)
Words become orbs in this engrossing 3D puzzle game, based around the hidden mathematics of language. Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty, beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trappings of painting or music, yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense of being more than Man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry. Contains profanity.
Ploppit (iOS/Android £Free)
What's that coming out of the cat's bum? Is it a poo-poo, a swollen vein, or a b'dum b'dum (balloon)? You have one second to decide whether to plop or pop! Challenge other players from around the world! Also available in a special celebrity edition, featuring the pop bands Tame Impala, and T'pau.
Rabbit 2 Rabbi (iOS/Android £Free)
What would rabbis be like if they were rabbits? Find out in this whimsical platform-style game, already!
Sembrini's Dilemma (iOS/Android £Free)
Sembrini has a dilemma: should he change his name to Sembroni, or remain as he is? You can assist in his decision, while steering him through his nervous breakdown.
Super Smartphone Simulator (iOS/Android £Free)
Can you use and operate a modern smartphone? This realistic simulator helps answer that question.
Rabbie 2 Rabbi 2 Rabbits (iOS/Android £Free)
What would the poet Rabbie Burns have been like if he was a rabbi, and kept giving birth to rabbits? Find out in this whimsical platform-style game, FML!
Richard 2 Orchard (iOS/Android £Free)
How would Richard II have fared as king if he'd been a peach orchard, rather than a human being? Find out in this fascinating alternative history strategy sim.
Pleatherdome (iOS/Android £Free)
Can you establish and run a successful pleather fetishwear manufacturing business? Now's your chance to find out, and compete with the big boys!
Angry Flaps (iOS/Android £Free)
Inspired by two of the most popular bird-based games of all time, Angry Flaps will make you furious with its needlessly graphic and derivative gameplay.
The Otter Side (iOS/Android £Free)
What would Heaven be like if it was full of otters? Find out in this whimsical platform-style game!
Worbs (iOS/Android £Free)
Words become orbs in this engrossing 3D puzzle game, based around the hidden mathematics of language. Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty, beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trappings of painting or music, yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense of being more than Man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry. Contains profanity.
Ploppit (iOS/Android £Free)
What's that coming out of the cat's bum? Is it a poo-poo, a swollen vein, or a b'dum b'dum (balloon)? You have one second to decide whether to plop or pop! Challenge other players from around the world! Also available in a special celebrity edition, featuring the pop bands Tame Impala, and T'pau.
Rabbit 2 Rabbi (iOS/Android £Free)
What would rabbis be like if they were rabbits? Find out in this whimsical platform-style game, already!
Sembrini's Dilemma (iOS/Android £Free)
Sembrini has a dilemma: should he change his name to Sembroni, or remain as he is? You can assist in his decision, while steering him through his nervous breakdown.
Super Smartphone Simulator (iOS/Android £Free)
Can you use and operate a modern smartphone? This realistic simulator helps answer that question.
Rabbie 2 Rabbi 2 Rabbits (iOS/Android £Free)
What would the poet Rabbie Burns have been like if he was a rabbi, and kept giving birth to rabbits? Find out in this whimsical platform-style game, FML!
UTILITIES
Sorbotron (iOS/Android £Free)
Remember the actor Kevin Sorbo? He played Hercules, in Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. Chances are you don't ever give him a second thought as you go about your day - but let this app rectify that, by sending you regular reminders that Kevin Sorbo still exists, and, in many ways, always has.
Whether to Pleather? (iOS/Android £Free)
Should you wear leather or pleather? Let this app assist you by weighing up the pros and cons of each. Pro for leather: looks good. Con for leather: cows die. Pro for pleather: no dead cows. Con for pleather: looks bad. And so on.
The Funny Bible (iOS/Android £Free)
Kids hate the Bible, because it's boring and preachy. This new interactive edition is full of crazy humour, that will keep kids engrossed. Just wait until you read the wacky adventures of Jesus of Snozzereth, and how he turned water into whoopee cushions, and punked a leper!
Sorbotron (iOS/Android £Free)
Remember the actor Kevin Sorbo? He played Hercules, in Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. Chances are you don't ever give him a second thought as you go about your day - but let this app rectify that, by sending you regular reminders that Kevin Sorbo still exists, and, in many ways, always has.
Whether to Pleather? (iOS/Android £Free)
Should you wear leather or pleather? Let this app assist you by weighing up the pros and cons of each. Pro for leather: looks good. Con for leather: cows die. Pro for pleather: no dead cows. Con for pleather: looks bad. And so on.
The Funny Bible (iOS/Android £Free)
Kids hate the Bible, because it's boring and preachy. This new interactive edition is full of crazy humour, that will keep kids engrossed. Just wait until you read the wacky adventures of Jesus of Snozzereth, and how he turned water into whoopee cushions, and punked a leper!
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