I've probably mentioned before about how I sold all my Star Wars toys for £50 in 1984, to have spending money for a trip to America to visit my sister. It broke my heart, and then it broke my heart again when I saw all the Star Wars toys on America store shelves, which weren't available back home.
Worse still, there was a new action figure craze sweeping America in 1984 - Transformers - which was clearly encroaching on the space that retailers were prepared to give over to Star Wars toys. With no new Star Wars movies on the horizon I could see that the writing was on the wall.
Maybe it was bitterness, maybe it was me telling myself that I needed to grow up, but I always viewed Transformers with suspicion after that point. Consequently, even with the dollars burning a hole in my thigh, I was never tempted to buy one... however cool I might've felt they were beneath my affected disinterest.
This is long overdue, but it is at last time for me to enact some degree of retribution on the toys which I associate with throttling my childhood prematurely. Here are the ten worst Transformers ever.
Worse still, there was a new action figure craze sweeping America in 1984 - Transformers - which was clearly encroaching on the space that retailers were prepared to give over to Star Wars toys. With no new Star Wars movies on the horizon I could see that the writing was on the wall.
Maybe it was bitterness, maybe it was me telling myself that I needed to grow up, but I always viewed Transformers with suspicion after that point. Consequently, even with the dollars burning a hole in my thigh, I was never tempted to buy one... however cool I might've felt they were beneath my affected disinterest.
This is long overdue, but it is at last time for me to enact some degree of retribution on the toys which I associate with throttling my childhood prematurely. Here are the ten worst Transformers ever.
SKY LYNX
With its three-in-one transforming capabilities, Sky Lynx could transform from a space shuttle (useful), to a deformed lynx (less useful), to a winged dinosaur thing (completely useless). Think about it: think about these toys you loved. What was the point of this idiot? What practical purpose could its transforming abilities have possibly served in battle?
"Come along, space dudes - all aboard our Space Shuttle for another trip into orbit, and - whoah! Our Space Shuttle just turned into a big lynx with a tiny gold head, or something!"
It's nonsense. Utter nonsense.
"Come along, space dudes - all aboard our Space Shuttle for another trip into orbit, and - whoah! Our Space Shuttle just turned into a big lynx with a tiny gold head, or something!"
It's nonsense. Utter nonsense.
CINDERSAUR
Though it could transform from robot to a terrible horn-nosed dinosaur, the main action feature of Cindersaur was that it could shoot sparks from its mouth.
This begs the question of what exactly the "disguise" aspect of the figure was - not least due to its chunky purple thighs, and yellow arms and tail. People wouldn't exactly turn a blind eye to Cindersaur if it came shuffling down their street coughing up embers, like it had just inhaled a fag.
This begs the question of what exactly the "disguise" aspect of the figure was - not least due to its chunky purple thighs, and yellow arms and tail. People wouldn't exactly turn a blind eye to Cindersaur if it came shuffling down their street coughing up embers, like it had just inhaled a fag.
DOUBLEHEADER
The Pretenders line introduced a new idea to Transformers: robots who could disguise themselves as humans. You know: so that they could blend in. In the case of the rather literal Doubleheader, he (they?) could blend in with all the other two-headed humans you see walking around. Pity's sake. Think about it. JUST THINK ABOUT IT.
BREAK
Penguins are pretty useless. They basically do three things: swim, sit on eggs, and huddle. Why would a robot race fighting an intergalactic war have need of an operative who could transform into a penguin? More to the point: who was designing these things? What child would ever want a robot that could transform into a penguin? They're literally nature's biggest dongers.
OPTIMUS PRIME (SPORTS LABEL)
Of course, what else is the heroic, brave leader of the Autobots going to transform into but a shoe? Just a single shoe. Not even a pair. And once in shoe form, Optimus Prime was completely out of scale with all the other toys in the line, rendering this already impotent toy even more irrelevent. Plus, what are you meant to do with it once it's a shoe? Leave it on a wall? Throw it at a tramp?
COSMOS
Again, the entire idea of Transformers was that they transformed to blend in. You know: "Robots in disguise and all that". In the case of Cosmos he transformed into something that would do quite the opposite of blending in: a big, red, button, which just demanded to be pressed. Or maybe it was a flying saucer.
Either way, people aren't going to ignore it, and neither are the Decepticons. And while I've got you: Decepticon is a dreadful name. It's like if Vladimir Putin change his name to President Uptonogoodski.
Either way, people aren't going to ignore it, and neither are the Decepticons. And while I've got you: Decepticon is a dreadful name. It's like if Vladimir Putin change his name to President Uptonogoodski.
KUP
Kup. He's called Kup. It doesn't matter whether he looks cool as a robot, or transforms into a neat vehicle. He's called Kup. Here's a short list of things that you can cup: bollocks.
STRANGLEHOLD
Another in the Pretenders line. Presumably, Stranglehold was able to blend in with the patrons of fetish clubs. Indeed, even forgetting the leather pants and thigh-high boots, his name alone is something of a giveaway. Whatever happened to Stranglehold? He was found hanging from the back of a hotel room door with an orange segment stuffed into his gob.
REFLECTOR
Reflector pretty much sums up everything I didn't like about Transformers. Just like that stupid Sony Walkman one, with the casette tape, how was this meant to work? I mean, once transformed into a camera, the three-robot Reflector was again completely the wrong scale, thus rendering it a completely pointless part of your collection.
Transformers? Pfft. More like GLANSformers.
Transformers? Pfft. More like GLANSformers.
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