Okay, so I was an Atari ST boy. But - c'mon - of course I'd have rather had an Amiga. I'm not an idiot; I knew it was the better machine. Somehow, of course, history records that I accidentally became a games journalist in the 1990s, and proceeded to upset all of Britain's Amiga owners.
You see, Digitiser's predecessor on Oracle, FX, had covered the Amiga pretty extensively. However, Mr Hairs and I had never been games journalists before, and we didn't really know what the ruddy Henry we were doing. Something had to give, and that something was the format which was coming to the end of its life. You know: in favour of the sexy new consoles which were clearly less of a faff than games that came on floppy disks.
Of course, we were proved right ultimately; shortly after we started covering the Amiga, following months of incessant complaints from Amiga owners that we were "bias" - some of whom were so furious that they wrote to our bosses and the television watchdogs in an attempt to get us fired - everything went badly wrong for Commodore.
Never mind, eh. Revenge is a dish best served with a side dish of knowing you were right all along.
The funny thing is... all those complaints meant that I ended up being an Amiga owner, albeit through my job. To shut them up, we managed to get an Amiga off our bosses - possibly the only hardware they ever paid for - and we started reviewing Amiga games.
Consequently, contrary to belief, I played a lot of Amiga games. I also borrowed a lot of the back catalogue from Amiga-owning mates, including my Digitiser colleague Mr Cheese. I might not have the affection for the machine that I do for certain other systems - not least because my experience of the Amiga has been coloured by the wrath of Britain's Amiga-owning zealots - but... yeah... there were A LOT of great Amiga games. There. I said it. Happy now?
You bunch of wretched spods.
Here are my ten favourites. Oh... and don't go complaining that Dune 2 isn't in this list. I never played Dune 2. Also: no Shadow of the Beast, because it was a textbook example of style over substance.
You see, Digitiser's predecessor on Oracle, FX, had covered the Amiga pretty extensively. However, Mr Hairs and I had never been games journalists before, and we didn't really know what the ruddy Henry we were doing. Something had to give, and that something was the format which was coming to the end of its life. You know: in favour of the sexy new consoles which were clearly less of a faff than games that came on floppy disks.
Of course, we were proved right ultimately; shortly after we started covering the Amiga, following months of incessant complaints from Amiga owners that we were "bias" - some of whom were so furious that they wrote to our bosses and the television watchdogs in an attempt to get us fired - everything went badly wrong for Commodore.
Never mind, eh. Revenge is a dish best served with a side dish of knowing you were right all along.
The funny thing is... all those complaints meant that I ended up being an Amiga owner, albeit through my job. To shut them up, we managed to get an Amiga off our bosses - possibly the only hardware they ever paid for - and we started reviewing Amiga games.
Consequently, contrary to belief, I played a lot of Amiga games. I also borrowed a lot of the back catalogue from Amiga-owning mates, including my Digitiser colleague Mr Cheese. I might not have the affection for the machine that I do for certain other systems - not least because my experience of the Amiga has been coloured by the wrath of Britain's Amiga-owning zealots - but... yeah... there were A LOT of great Amiga games. There. I said it. Happy now?
You bunch of wretched spods.
Here are my ten favourites. Oh... and don't go complaining that Dune 2 isn't in this list. I never played Dune 2. Also: no Shadow of the Beast, because it was a textbook example of style over substance.
CANNON FODDER
The joy of Cannon Fodder was its simplicity. Controlling a team of soldiers, you pointed and clicked the mouse where you wanted them to move... and pointed and clicked at what you wanted them to shoot at.
Its tongue-in-cheek approach didn't go down well with everyone, however.
Its intended use of the Remembrance Day poppy was criticised by - among others - the British Legion, "Ming" Campbell, Viscount Montgomery of Alamein, and the Daily Star ("The poppy is a sacred reminder of the men and women who gave their lives in two world wars. How sickening to see it being abused to sell a savage computer game.").
Controversial Amiga Power writer - and later Digitiser columnist - Stuart Campbell waded into the storm with typical tact, stating in the pages of the magazine: "Old soldiers? I wish them all dead."
When confronted by The Daily Star regarding his comment, Stuart remarked: "It may have been insensitive, but aren't I entitled to an opinion anymore?"
In response, Royal British Legion spokesman Dennis York raged: "Good God. It leaves you speechless. If it was not for the old soldiers who stood up during the wars he might not be alive."
Sensible Software maintained its stance that the game was a powerful anti-war statement, summed up best in the game's sensitive cod-reggae title song, War Has Never Been So Much Fun:
Its tongue-in-cheek approach didn't go down well with everyone, however.
Its intended use of the Remembrance Day poppy was criticised by - among others - the British Legion, "Ming" Campbell, Viscount Montgomery of Alamein, and the Daily Star ("The poppy is a sacred reminder of the men and women who gave their lives in two world wars. How sickening to see it being abused to sell a savage computer game.").
Controversial Amiga Power writer - and later Digitiser columnist - Stuart Campbell waded into the storm with typical tact, stating in the pages of the magazine: "Old soldiers? I wish them all dead."
When confronted by The Daily Star regarding his comment, Stuart remarked: "It may have been insensitive, but aren't I entitled to an opinion anymore?"
In response, Royal British Legion spokesman Dennis York raged: "Good God. It leaves you speechless. If it was not for the old soldiers who stood up during the wars he might not be alive."
Sensible Software maintained its stance that the game was a powerful anti-war statement, summed up best in the game's sensitive cod-reggae title song, War Has Never Been So Much Fun:
THE SECRET OF MONKEY ISLAND
LucasArts produced some really, really great point-and-click adventures, and the pinnacle of its output was surely the Monkey Island series.
Somehow managing to combine great gameplay and ludicrous puzzle solutions with meta humour and corny gags, The Secret of Monkey Island might be the one video game which should've been a movie. In a way it sort of was, having been inspired by the original Pirates of the Caribbean ride at the Disney theme parks. Which of course later became a movie series starring the repellent Johnno D'pus.
The adventures of Guybrush Threepwood on Melee Island(tm) followed his efforts to become a pirate, through insult sword fights, running gags, and encounters with characters featuring names like Mancomb Seepgood, and the Men of Low Moral Fibre. It remains one of the few video games which achieved the rare feat of being genuinely, intentionally, funny.
Not every joke went down well, however. In early versions of the game, Guybrush made a reference to "An emaciated Charles Atlas" - name-checking the late bodybuilding guru, who pledged to teach weeds how to fight back against burly beachtoughs.
A cease and desist letter from the Atlas estate forced LucasArts to remove the line from subsequent editions.
Somehow managing to combine great gameplay and ludicrous puzzle solutions with meta humour and corny gags, The Secret of Monkey Island might be the one video game which should've been a movie. In a way it sort of was, having been inspired by the original Pirates of the Caribbean ride at the Disney theme parks. Which of course later became a movie series starring the repellent Johnno D'pus.
The adventures of Guybrush Threepwood on Melee Island(tm) followed his efforts to become a pirate, through insult sword fights, running gags, and encounters with characters featuring names like Mancomb Seepgood, and the Men of Low Moral Fibre. It remains one of the few video games which achieved the rare feat of being genuinely, intentionally, funny.
Not every joke went down well, however. In early versions of the game, Guybrush made a reference to "An emaciated Charles Atlas" - name-checking the late bodybuilding guru, who pledged to teach weeds how to fight back against burly beachtoughs.
A cease and desist letter from the Atlas estate forced LucasArts to remove the line from subsequent editions.
JAMES POND 2: ROBOCOD
Zool and Superfrog may be beloved of some, but for me Robocod was the top-tier Amiga platformer. It didn't feel like any other game, and - unlike its format rivals - boasted a unique character power; the ability to extend Robocod's body vertically, and grip overhead objects.
Also, that opening level music remains seared into my brain, and - to date - it remains the only video game to have been sponsored by Penguin biscuits. As a result of the product placement deal, Penguin outsold Kit Kat for the first time in McVitie's history.
Which is astonishing given that Penguins have the taste and texture of a six day-old dog excreta that has been left out in the sun.
Also, that opening level music remains seared into my brain, and - to date - it remains the only video game to have been sponsored by Penguin biscuits. As a result of the product placement deal, Penguin outsold Kit Kat for the first time in McVitie's history.
Which is astonishing given that Penguins have the taste and texture of a six day-old dog excreta that has been left out in the sun.
LEMMINGS
Having absolutely zero patience, it takes a special sort of puzzle game to keep me "piqued", and Lemmings' weird mix of character, platforming, and smashing through scenery properly "piqued" my "fancy", while making me want to smash and bash my things.
Also, anyone who didn't enjoy filling the screen with Lemmings and then making them all commit suicide in a scenery-destroying explosion must've had something wrong with them. Not that there's anything entertaining about suicide obviously... unless a clown does it by firing themselves out of a cannon at a giant bulb horn.
HONK!
The game was also notable for its soundtrack, which used a mix of classical and folk tunes - replacing the original soundtrack of the pre-release edition, which utilised samples of copyrighted music.
Also, anyone who didn't enjoy filling the screen with Lemmings and then making them all commit suicide in a scenery-destroying explosion must've had something wrong with them. Not that there's anything entertaining about suicide obviously... unless a clown does it by firing themselves out of a cannon at a giant bulb horn.
HONK!
The game was also notable for its soundtrack, which used a mix of classical and folk tunes - replacing the original soundtrack of the pre-release edition, which utilised samples of copyrighted music.
THE CHAOS ENGINE
The Bitmap Brothers were in the top tier of Amiga developers. Why they dropped off the radar so abruptly is anyone's guess, but you always knew a Bitmap game for their blend of solid gameplay, and slick graphics. Indeed, nobody's else's games looked like those made by the Bitmaps; never a sharp corner, or solid black hue to be found.
The Chaos Engine might've been their most intriguing title, a two-player steampunk shoot 'em up inspired by the novel The Difference Engine, and set in an alternate Britain overrun with monsters and robots.
It was far and away my favourite Bitmap game - better even than the 2000AD-influenced Speedball, and Bomb the Bass-soundtracked Xenon 2.
Where you be, Brothers? Where you go now, huh?
The Chaos Engine might've been their most intriguing title, a two-player steampunk shoot 'em up inspired by the novel The Difference Engine, and set in an alternate Britain overrun with monsters and robots.
It was far and away my favourite Bitmap game - better even than the 2000AD-influenced Speedball, and Bomb the Bass-soundtracked Xenon 2.
Where you be, Brothers? Where you go now, huh?
WORMS
Clearly influenced by Lemmings, Worms did away with the puzzling, and pitted cartoon worms against one another in an orgy of destruction. Originally an Amiga Format competition entry by its creator Andy Davidson, Worms has endured to this day due to its quirky weaponry - exploding sheep and the like - and turn-based multiplayer.
Davidson hadn't won the coding competition, as the Amiga Format judge's were presumably idiots, but showed his game - then titled either Lemartillery, or Total Wormage, depending on who you ask - to Ocean/Team 17 at the 1994 European Computer Trade Show. They lapped it up on the spot.
I recall speaking to Ocean's PR representative the following year, who stated that Davidson "Has no idea just how much money he's about to make..."
Indeed, Worms and its various sequels continue to be released to this day, lining the elusive Davidson's pockets. He spent at least some of his earnings opening a "digital bar" in Bournemouth. Having left Team 17 in 1999 over "creative differences", Davidson returned to work there in 2012 - the year after his establishment closed, having been fined by authorities to the tune of £3,000 for having some 24 electrical faults.
His colleagues describe him as "a bit mad", which might explain why his is the only game in history to be named after a parasitic intestinal infection.
Davidson hadn't won the coding competition, as the Amiga Format judge's were presumably idiots, but showed his game - then titled either Lemartillery, or Total Wormage, depending on who you ask - to Ocean/Team 17 at the 1994 European Computer Trade Show. They lapped it up on the spot.
I recall speaking to Ocean's PR representative the following year, who stated that Davidson "Has no idea just how much money he's about to make..."
Indeed, Worms and its various sequels continue to be released to this day, lining the elusive Davidson's pockets. He spent at least some of his earnings opening a "digital bar" in Bournemouth. Having left Team 17 in 1999 over "creative differences", Davidson returned to work there in 2012 - the year after his establishment closed, having been fined by authorities to the tune of £3,000 for having some 24 electrical faults.
His colleagues describe him as "a bit mad", which might explain why his is the only game in history to be named after a parasitic intestinal infection.
ALIEN BREED
Unofficially the Aliens game that everyone always wanted, Team 17's Alien Breed was clearly a Gauntlet clone, but with the added tension of taking place in a space station infested with xenomorphs who appeared to be shuffling towards you for a bit of a cuddle.
At the time, Team 17 boss Martin Brown was reportedly frustrated that many Amiga games required a £30 RAM expansion. Attempts to load the three-disk Alien Breed directly from its second disk (disk one contained an introductory animation) promoted an audible laugh, and the on-screen message "Sorry - Alien Breed requires a minimum of 1 Megabyte RAM. 512K expansions are available from all good Amiga dealers".
Way to stick it to 'em, Brownie!
At the time, Team 17 boss Martin Brown was reportedly frustrated that many Amiga games required a £30 RAM expansion. Attempts to load the three-disk Alien Breed directly from its second disk (disk one contained an introductory animation) promoted an audible laugh, and the on-screen message "Sorry - Alien Breed requires a minimum of 1 Megabyte RAM. 512K expansions are available from all good Amiga dealers".
Way to stick it to 'em, Brownie!
SENSIBLE SOCCER
Known to everyone who played it as "Sensi" (short for "Sensington"), Sensible Soccer might not have been the prettiest football game ever released, but its speed and economy ensured that players were addicted. By keeping the ball "stuck" to the player's foot - arguably its biggest innovation - it kept the gameplay smooth and fast. Sequels and ports followed, with Sensible World of Soccer more or less perfecting the formula.
Alas, while Sensible Software had dominated the 16-bit home computer game scene, that success never really translated to consoles.
Sensible's Jon Hare is reportedly working on a spiritual successor, entitled Sociable Soccer - which begun life as a failed Kickstarter project. Reportedly, the game will still be released later this year for smartphones and PC.
Also: Jon Hare is a real man, and not a Warner Bros. cartoon character who once appeared in a series of shorts as a rival to Bugs Bunny.
Alas, while Sensible Software had dominated the 16-bit home computer game scene, that success never really translated to consoles.
Sensible's Jon Hare is reportedly working on a spiritual successor, entitled Sociable Soccer - which begun life as a failed Kickstarter project. Reportedly, the game will still be released later this year for smartphones and PC.
Also: Jon Hare is a real man, and not a Warner Bros. cartoon character who once appeared in a series of shorts as a rival to Bugs Bunny.
SYNDICATE
Very much of its time, Syndicate was a cyberpunk-themed tactical shooter, with the player controlling a squad of four cyborg operatives in their attempts to assassinate the heads of a rival mega corporation. Resource management elements - the taxation of areas controlled by your corporation - would lead to the development of new weapons and equipment.
A testament to the generation of games which worked best with a mouse and keyboard, something was lost in its later translation to consoles. Though the 3DO version was pretty good.
Also, given that we are now living in the dystopian future that the game predicted, it's difficult to know how it would be received today.
A testament to the generation of games which worked best with a mouse and keyboard, something was lost in its later translation to consoles. Though the 3DO version was pretty good.
Also, given that we are now living in the dystopian future that the game predicted, it's difficult to know how it would be received today.
JIMMY WHITE'S WHIRLWIND SNOOKER
An ability to play pool or snooker is just one off the vital life skills I lack. Indeed, I'm so bad at it that I once lost my temper with a woman in a pub, who was laughing at me because she assumed my inability to pot a ball was down to me being drunk.
"He's so drunk," I overheard her muttering to a friend.
"I'm not drunk," I snapped. "I just can't play, alright?"
That told her.
However... I was quite good at Jimmy White's Whirlwind Snooker, a game best remembered for its 3D visuals, and the way a ball woul mock you if you took too long to take a shot. Yes, I had a go at that as well.
Extract the Michael out of me, would you...?
"He's so drunk," I overheard her muttering to a friend.
"I'm not drunk," I snapped. "I just can't play, alright?"
That told her.
However... I was quite good at Jimmy White's Whirlwind Snooker, a game best remembered for its 3D visuals, and the way a ball woul mock you if you took too long to take a shot. Yes, I had a go at that as well.
Extract the Michael out of me, would you...?
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