Well now. It looks as if the reason Nintendo has cancelled its miniature NES Classic console - a decision which baffled all but the least baffleable - is because it's doing this: inserting a hot cone into Rod Stewart's furtive puncture (preparing a miniature Super NES for release later this year).
As the years grind on, and the crushing inevitability of my death draws inexorably closer - towering over me like a vast granite question mark - I come to realise that the Super NES is my favourite games machine of all time. Probably. Apart from the ZX Spectrum.
Suffice to say, we're going to get most of the classics on the SNES Mini, as it shall henceforth be known. Yes; expect to see Super Mario World, A Link To The Past, and Super Metroid. But the SNES was more than just its headline games, see; it was also a treasure trove of brilliant, less well remembered titles.
Here are ten that I grasped bawdily 'twixt my fleshy gentlemen, which I demand be included on Nintendo's newest wee machine (note: that's the Scottish wee, not the slang term for piddle - more on that subject very shortly).
As the years grind on, and the crushing inevitability of my death draws inexorably closer - towering over me like a vast granite question mark - I come to realise that the Super NES is my favourite games machine of all time. Probably. Apart from the ZX Spectrum.
Suffice to say, we're going to get most of the classics on the SNES Mini, as it shall henceforth be known. Yes; expect to see Super Mario World, A Link To The Past, and Super Metroid. But the SNES was more than just its headline games, see; it was also a treasure trove of brilliant, less well remembered titles.
Here are ten that I grasped bawdily 'twixt my fleshy gentlemen, which I demand be included on Nintendo's newest wee machine (note: that's the Scottish wee, not the slang term for piddle - more on that subject very shortly).
UNIRALLY
A racing game - but a side-on one, unusually - Unirally incorporated elements of platform gaming, as players steered a Pixar-esque unicycle through rollercoaster-like tracks. Points were awarded for stunts, and there was a superb split-screen two-player mode.
Notably, it was one of the many games Digitiser had stolen by a Teletext security guard allegedly, along with our Scope 6 light gun. I was gutted when that may or may not have happened.
Incidentally, I went to school with a boy who became an alcoholic in his later years. His surname was McNally, and given that I no longer see him stumbling around the streets near my house, clutching a can of Tenant's Super, I can only assume he succumbed to liver failure. That's all terribly sad, of course, but following the release of Unirally, my twisted subconscious whispered the nickname "Urine McNally" into my ear whenever I passed him.
I hope the old Teletext security guard has had a sad life too, and that he's also dead...
Notably, it was one of the many games Digitiser had stolen by a Teletext security guard allegedly, along with our Scope 6 light gun. I was gutted when that may or may not have happened.
Incidentally, I went to school with a boy who became an alcoholic in his later years. His surname was McNally, and given that I no longer see him stumbling around the streets near my house, clutching a can of Tenant's Super, I can only assume he succumbed to liver failure. That's all terribly sad, of course, but following the release of Unirally, my twisted subconscious whispered the nickname "Urine McNally" into my ear whenever I passed him.
I hope the old Teletext security guard has had a sad life too, and that he's also dead...
BOOGERMAN: A PICK AND FLICK ADVENTURE
Overlooked at the time, presumably because it was mostly about bogeys, Boogerman was one of the best-looking platform games of its era, with some grotesquely gorgeous animation. Admittedly, my opinion may be slightly coloured by its relentless onslaught of toilet humour - vomiting, farting, belching and snot-flinging are all things I still find hysterical, on account of never having matured.
That's okay though isn't it? At least I'm not disgusted by things which are entirely normal, albeit a bit smelly. Really, you're the one who has the problem. And that's better for the rest of us, because toilet humour is only really funny if there exists people who are incapable of laughing at it.
So. Y'know. It's kind of okay that you wouldn't be amused if somebody left the following message on your voicemail: "There's a shiverin' scared dog doing a 'BM' near a Ferris wheel!"
That's okay though isn't it? At least I'm not disgusted by things which are entirely normal, albeit a bit smelly. Really, you're the one who has the problem. And that's better for the rest of us, because toilet humour is only really funny if there exists people who are incapable of laughing at it.
So. Y'know. It's kind of okay that you wouldn't be amused if somebody left the following message on your voicemail: "There's a shiverin' scared dog doing a 'BM' near a Ferris wheel!"
LEGEND OF THE MYSTICAL NINJA
The Legend of the Mystical Ninja was a weird blend of genres, released back in the day before everyone started hating Konami for pushing Hideo Kojima down a flight of stairs.
A mix of RPG elements, beat 'em up stages, platforming, and mini games, delivered it all with some of the loveliest sound and visuals ever seen on the SNES, and I've just realised that it's actually quite a difficult game to describe. Well... it is if you're as chronically apathetic as I am.
Mystical Ninja was known in its native Japan as Ganbare Goemon: Yukihime Kyūshutsu Emaki - as massive nerds will no doubt take the opportunity to tell me in the comments.
You know the sort: people who think it's better to watch anime and Japanese films with the original dialogue. No it isn't! That's never better. You're all doing it wrong. What, so you'd rather spend your whole time reading the subtitles rather than look at the performances and cinematography would you? If you like words that much why don't you just read a book, stupid?
"Oh, but the dubbing is always awful and distracting!"
Well, boo-hoo. You know what else is awful and distracting, but the rest of us have to tolerate?
PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
A mix of RPG elements, beat 'em up stages, platforming, and mini games, delivered it all with some of the loveliest sound and visuals ever seen on the SNES, and I've just realised that it's actually quite a difficult game to describe. Well... it is if you're as chronically apathetic as I am.
Mystical Ninja was known in its native Japan as Ganbare Goemon: Yukihime Kyūshutsu Emaki - as massive nerds will no doubt take the opportunity to tell me in the comments.
You know the sort: people who think it's better to watch anime and Japanese films with the original dialogue. No it isn't! That's never better. You're all doing it wrong. What, so you'd rather spend your whole time reading the subtitles rather than look at the performances and cinematography would you? If you like words that much why don't you just read a book, stupid?
"Oh, but the dubbing is always awful and distracting!"
Well, boo-hoo. You know what else is awful and distracting, but the rest of us have to tolerate?
PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
SUPER SMASH TV
The game which broke my SNES when I inserted the cartridge in a wronged-up fashion, Super Smash TV was a more or less perfect recreation of the shamelessly gory arcade game. Notably, it's one of a handful of SNES games to use the joypad in a novel way - the A, B, X and Y buttons worked as a D-Pad, and were used to shoot in the corresponding direction.
See also the SNES version of Q*Bert - the game starring the flaccid, suicidal, sentient, foul-mouthed gentialia of a gingerman.
See also the SNES version of Q*Bert - the game starring the flaccid, suicidal, sentient, foul-mouthed gentialia of a gingerman.
BLACKTHORNE
With its rotoscoped animation and momentum-driven platforming clearly influenced by Prince of Persia, Another World and Flashback, Blackthorne might not have been quite as flashy as those aforementioned games, but it was far more accessible. Also: the main character was armed with a shotgun; something you certainly didn't get with that sword-flapping dandy in Prince of Persia.
Ponce of Persia more like, yeah?
Of course, Blackthorne the game is not to be confused with Blackthorn the Gaymer's cider. Although too much of either and you're liable to throw up in the sink. I don't know if that's true about the game, and can't really conceive of it happening. I mean, at worst you might get wrist and eyestrain.
It's a good line though, so don't have a go please.
Ponce of Persia more like, yeah?
Of course, Blackthorne the game is not to be confused with Blackthorn the Gaymer's cider. Although too much of either and you're liable to throw up in the sink. I don't know if that's true about the game, and can't really conceive of it happening. I mean, at worst you might get wrist and eyestrain.
It's a good line though, so don't have a go please.
JURASSIC PARK
Ocean Software were rightly mocked for the way in which they'd turn any movie license into a cheap and cheerful platformer (remember the shockingly awful Lethal Weapon?). That's exactly what they did with the Mega Drive version of Jurassic Park, but the SNES game was something entirely different.
The bulk of it was a viewed from above shoot 'em up (using non-lethal weaponry, so as not to kill the "animals"), but interior levels adopted a first-person perspective - something that was quite the shock on 16-bit consoles at the time.
Indeed, many players were so alarmed by the sudden change in viewpoint that they began shrieking and stomping - and haven't stopped since!
The bulk of it was a viewed from above shoot 'em up (using non-lethal weaponry, so as not to kill the "animals"), but interior levels adopted a first-person perspective - something that was quite the shock on 16-bit consoles at the time.
Indeed, many players were so alarmed by the sudden change in viewpoint that they began shrieking and stomping - and haven't stopped since!
PLOK
Created by The Pickford Brothers - a pair of Middle Earth refugees who live in a hole in the ground where they sleep atop a bed of acquired flip-flops - Plok remains one of the best SNES platformers not developed by Nintendo.
Starring a little red and yellow fellow who could lob his limbs at enemies, it somehow managed to pack in tons of colour and character without ever grating, and demonstrated a comparable wealth of ideas to one of Nintendo's own games.
Plok still lives today, in the form of a regular, and rather lovely, comic strip created by the Pickfords. You can support the comic on Patreon, thus ensuring The Brothers P can afford sufficient defences around their hole to keep Ungoliant The Ungodly from stealing their precious "droopy thongs".
Starring a little red and yellow fellow who could lob his limbs at enemies, it somehow managed to pack in tons of colour and character without ever grating, and demonstrated a comparable wealth of ideas to one of Nintendo's own games.
Plok still lives today, in the form of a regular, and rather lovely, comic strip created by the Pickfords. You can support the comic on Patreon, thus ensuring The Brothers P can afford sufficient defences around their hole to keep Ungoliant The Ungodly from stealing their precious "droopy thongs".
SUPER TENNIS
I've no idea why I decided to make a sports game one of the first two games I ever bought for my Super NES, given that I've about as much interest in sport as sport has in me, but it probably had something to do with the fact there wasn't a lot of choice at that point. Fortunately, Super Tennis was properly, properly, brilliant - and it says much that the more recent likes of Sega's Virtua Tennis have scarcely improved on its gameplay.
It also featured some incredibly subtle use of the SNES's Mode 7 3D graphics, which would cause proud SNES owners to yell out during multiplayer games.
"Did you see that!? It looked ever so slightly like the pitch was real."
It also featured some incredibly subtle use of the SNES's Mode 7 3D graphics, which would cause proud SNES owners to yell out during multiplayer games.
"Did you see that!? It looked ever so slightly like the pitch was real."
KID KLOWN IN CRAZY CHASE
Quite unlike anything else on the Super NES - indeed, scarcely like anything since - Kid Klown in Crazy Chase featured the titular "klown" racing down a series of isometric hillsides avoiding obstacles, in order to extinguish the fuse of a bomb before it goes off. Gorgeous graphics, wholly original gameplay, and - rare for the day - a third-party platform game character who wasn't an irritating anthropomorphic animal.
What was that all about? I mean, if you're just chasing the same dollar as everyone else there's going to be less in the pot to go around.
ATTENTION 90s GAME DESIGNERS: if you need a character for your generic platformer, why not look beyond nature, and creature one who is somewhat more existential? Perhaps try anthropomorphising feelings such as dread, angst and ennui. Or take a page out of the atlas and anthropomorphise a country like Gambia or Rwanda.
Telling you now: Gambo The Country of Gambia could've been bigger than Sonic.
What was that all about? I mean, if you're just chasing the same dollar as everyone else there's going to be less in the pot to go around.
ATTENTION 90s GAME DESIGNERS: if you need a character for your generic platformer, why not look beyond nature, and creature one who is somewhat more existential? Perhaps try anthropomorphising feelings such as dread, angst and ennui. Or take a page out of the atlas and anthropomorphise a country like Gambia or Rwanda.
Telling you now: Gambo The Country of Gambia could've been bigger than Sonic.
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