TEN TIMES THE ATARI VCS PROMISED TOO MUCH

TEN TIMES THE ATARI VCS PROMISED TOO MUCH

25/8/2016

Anyone who remembers the Atari VCS will recall that its games boasted some of the finest cover art in the history of gaming. Most of us will also know that there was something of a gulf between that promise and the reality of what the VCS was capable of. Here are ten examples.

SUPER BREAKOUT

It looks to be something out of 2001: A Space Odyssey - a trippy, profound, intergalactic adventure, which promises to reveal to the player the true meaning of their existence.

PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY.

A broken TV screen.

ASTEROIDS

A thrilling journey through deep space, blasting away at rocks as they tumble past you, threatening to rupture the thin metal skin of your craft.

PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY.

A 5 year-old's formative experiences with MS Paint.

BERZERK

The killer robots! They're coming at you from all sides, distracting you from those tight, tight underpants! Blast them! They're gonna kill you! Nononono!

PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY.

Literally WTF?

STAR WARS JEDI ARENA

You get to be Luke Skywalker, in the Jedi Arena - an early foray into the expanded Star Wars universe! What secrets of the Jedi religion will you learn? This surely has to be a Star Wars fan's dream!

PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY.

'Kay then. If you say so, mate.

CODEBREAKER

All the intrigue of the Cold War distilled into game form! You'll be peering behind the Iron Curtain, to learn the deepest, darkest truths of the Soviet Union.

PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY.

Your Atari VCS has been infected with a virus.

BEAT 'EM & EAT 'EM

Hubba hubba! This is gonna be some real hot stuff! Mama will never know the dirty thing you made her buy! Come on now - let's get to our bedroom, and get this hot stuff started!

PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY.

Mama... mama, I'm scared...

FLAG CAPTURE

Yaaaar! You can almost smell the sea air, and hear the gulls. Brace yourself for a new life as a virtual buccaneer! Careful you don't get scurvy!

PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY.

Oh. Right.

HAUNTED HOUSE

Look at those wide, terrified eyes, the bats, the spider... are you ready for the potential psychological damage this game could cause? This might just be the single most affecting experience of your life.

PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY.

Um... yeah.

HUMAN CANNONBALL

Roll up, roll up! See the daredevil launch himself through the air! Thrill to his exploits! Touch his impressive moustache!

PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY.

Is this a joke?

STAR SHIP

It's time to step up and accept your place on the front lines of the great war that is burning through the galaxies! Take to your ship, and lead your outer space armada into battle! Prepare to accept the mantle of living legend, or suffer a war hero's death!

PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY.

FML.

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
THESE TEN VINTAGE PHOTOS OF COMPUTER USERS EACH HIDE A HIDDEN TRAGEDY
A SELECTED HISTORY OF ISOMETRIC GRAPHICS
10 TERRIBLE RETRO "SEX" GAMES

charlie link

25/8/2016 12:41:38 pm

Yeah, but they never sounded disappointing, did they?

Reply

Adam

25/8/2016 12:43:53 pm

A slightly harsh article!

Reply

Bruce Flagpole

25/8/2016 12:50:55 pm

That 'Human Cannonball' game looks great!

Also, I do like how every minute variation in gameplay mode constitutes as a separate 'game' for the Atari - Asteroids is 66 different games! That's value for money.

Reply

Chris

25/8/2016 04:18:42 pm

The one player mode, the two-player mode, the one-player doubles mode, the two-player doubles mode, the cat and mouse mode, the two-player cat and mouse, the invisible mode, the two-player invisible mode, then multiply all of those by the three marginally different maps, and you get 60,000 different "games".

(I never had an Atari, but the Acetronic had this same "feature")

Reply

Paulvw

25/8/2016 12:51:40 pm

How does this square with the wasn't game art much better back in the 80's article?.....You're scaring me......

Anyway, at the time, I genuinely saw that box art playing out in front of me on my tv screen....except for hot mama....

Reply

Mr Biffo

25/8/2016 01:11:37 pm

But that was about logos!

Reply

Koozebane

25/8/2016 02:48:42 pm

Pardon my ignorance but what does the “X videogames” on the boxes mean? Are they clamming Super Breakout for instance has 9 different games on the cartridge? Being a young whippersnapper of 37 the VCS is a just before my time.

Reply

Koozebane

25/8/2016 02:52:44 pm

Should have read all the comments. Thanks Mr Flagpole.

Reply

Damon link

25/8/2016 04:45:35 pm

At first I thought they were all doing to be breakout / brickout / Arkanoid.

Reply

Slider271

25/8/2016 11:24:07 pm

Let's be honest...the games may have been pish (though my 10 year old self really enjoyed VCS Berzerk and Haunted House), but that's some properly good artwork on those games boxes.

Reply

Keith

26/8/2016 01:09:33 pm

Thing is, at that time the exciting cover art worked to some extent like a leg up for the imagination - you just had to think of the blocks as representing the thing.

This article made me laugh a lot though

Reply

Oliver Wright

26/8/2016 05:53:28 pm

Good old Berzerk. The Hotline Miami of its day.

Reply

Tim Bresnan's Heavy Ball

27/8/2016 09:41:23 am

Super Breakout? I'd rather play SUPERB REEK OUT!

Reply

Nicholas Taylor

28/8/2016 01:17:22 am

My favourite Atari games (of the few I own) pitfall, et, centipede, qbert and space invaders. I was quite disappointed by the lot though. The beeps weren't even pleasant sounding beeps. I agree that et is pretty bad, but have you seen atari games? It isn't a very capable machine, and et had a forest that actually looked a bit like a forest. Et also looked a bit like et. He could make flowers happy and the idea of him extending his neck, using his chin like a grappling hook was almost as beautiful as being sent to jail of roman looking architecture.

Reply

Superbeast 37

29/8/2016 06:06:28 pm

I can't get over how great some of those covers are.

I remember as a kid being told to turn it all off and go to bed and then just putting the bedside lamp on and looking at the games.

Not to mention the fantastic manuals that were often a couple of pages of instructions and then an entire book about the subject matter. Although that was more in the mid 80's 8 bit computer era.

Reply

Leave a Reply.