As the 2016 UEFA European Championship gets underway, you're probably like me in wanting to hire a professional footballer to tidy your garden.
It's an easy enough instruction: could you please weed my garden for me? Unfortunately, every one of these players misunderstood my request - with dramatic consequences.
It's an easy enough instruction: could you please weed my garden for me? Unfortunately, every one of these players misunderstood my request - with dramatic consequences.
DANGER FOURPENCE (Zimbabwe)
"Could you weed my garden?" I asked Danger Fourpence.
"Sure thing," he said, with a shrug.
Five minutes later I come out to find him with his shorts down, urinating up a sundial.
"Sure thing," he said, with a shrug.
Five minutes later I come out to find him with his shorts down, urinating up a sundial.
FABIAN ASSMAN (Argentina)
"Can you please weed my garden?" I asked.
"Are you sure?" he says, with a frown.
"Yes," I replied, cheerfully. "Yes I am!"
Without another word, he pulled down his shorts and relieved himself on the lawn, in full view of the neighbours.
"Are you sure?" he says, with a frown.
"Yes," I replied, cheerfully. "Yes I am!"
Without another word, he pulled down his shorts and relieved himself on the lawn, in full view of the neighbours.
NORTEI NORTEY (Welling United)
"I need a professional footballer to weed my garden," I told him.
"Okay," he replied. "I can do that."
Next thing I know he's climbed on top of the gazebo, and started performing a big whizz over the side.
"Okay," he replied. "I can do that."
Next thing I know he's climbed on top of the gazebo, and started performing a big whizz over the side.
RALPH MINGE (Germany)
"I know you're retired now, but could you weed my garden?" I asked.
"Certainly," he replied, casually.
I looked on with astonishment as Ralph Minge splashed his troublingly Guinness-dark piddle all over the rockery.
"Certainly," he replied, casually.
I looked on with astonishment as Ralph Minge splashed his troublingly Guinness-dark piddle all over the rockery.
CREEDANCE CLEARWATER COUDO (Brazil)
"My garden," I said. "I need it weeding."
"I'm sorry?" asked Creedance with a frown.
"I said, could you weed my garden, please?"
"Well, you're the boss," he sighed.
My jaw dropped as I watched him pull down the front of his shorts, and go pee-pee in a flower bed.
"I'm sorry?" asked Creedance with a frown.
"I said, could you weed my garden, please?"
"Well, you're the boss," he sighed.
My jaw dropped as I watched him pull down the front of his shorts, and go pee-pee in a flower bed.
ALPHONSE AREOLA (Germany)
"To mark the start of the European Championships, I'd like to see you weeding my garden," I told him.
He simply nodded, removed all of his clothes, and pointed his Percy at my polyanthus.
He simply nodded, removed all of his clothes, and pointed his Percy at my polyanthus.
ANDREI ARSHAVIN (Russia)
"Are you available to weed my garden for me?" I asked Andrei Arshavin via email.
Two days later, I look out of my back door to find him laying on his back in the middle of the grass, pretending to be a water sprinkler.
Two days later, I look out of my back door to find him laying on his back in the middle of the grass, pretending to be a water sprinkler.
LIMITED CHIKAFA (Zimbabwe)
"My garden desperately needs weeding," I informed him.
"I'm your man for that!" he replied, with a small laugh.
My attempts to physically restrain him from emptying his bladder onto my patio were - at best - futile.
"I'm your man for that!" he replied, with a small laugh.
My attempts to physically restrain him from emptying his bladder onto my patio were - at best - futile.
WALDO PONCE (Chile)
"I know you're very busy," I apologised, "But could you find the time in your schedule to weed my garden?"
"I guess so," Waldo Ponce told me over the phone.
Four hours later, he turns up at my back gate, penis in hand, using his thumb, with little success, to block the urine that was spraying out of the end.
"I can't stop," he whined, with a desperate, faraway look in his eyes.
"I guess so," Waldo Ponce told me over the phone.
Four hours later, he turns up at my back gate, penis in hand, using his thumb, with little success, to block the urine that was spraying out of the end.
"I can't stop," he whined, with a desperate, faraway look in his eyes.
YAYA BANANA (Cameroon)
I didn't even ask this feller to weed my lawn. He just turned up one day and started pissing all over it.
HAVE-A-LOOK DUBE (Zimbabwe)
"Please can you do some weeding for me?" I asked. "There are nettles everywhere."
"Okay," he replied, before running at speed into a nettle bush.
"I wish you hadn't asked me to do this," he cried, over the sound of his aggressive tinkling. "I'm going to be sore for days!"
"Okay," he replied, before running at speed into a nettle bush.
"I wish you hadn't asked me to do this," he cried, over the sound of his aggressive tinkling. "I'm going to be sore for days!"
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