DIGITISER
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ

SUMMER VIDEO GAMES: EXPECTATION vs REALITY

7/7/2016

2 Comments

 
Picture
Very soon, the schools will break up for the summer, and we'll have six long weeks ahead of us to fill.

"What are we doing today?". 

"Stop asking me that."

"What are we doing tomorrow?"

<SLAP>


Some of us will be fortunate enough to be going on a summer holiday. For the rest of us, who are stuck at home, there is a solution: summer-y video games! Here's a brief summer-y (HAHAHAHA-HAHHAHAH) of the expectation they present us with, versus the less inspiring reality.
OUTRUN
Picture
The lapping waves, the blue sky, and white, fluffy clouds. Can there be any activity which offers a greater sense of freedom and optimism than driving with your top down (well... hell-oh!), your best guy or gal at your side, and the radio on full blast? Probably - but we can't imagine what it might be. Probably something to do with a dog that barks money.
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
Picture
SUMMER GAMES
Picture
Can a game get any more summer-y than a game called Summer Games? Don't even bother mulling that over, for it cannot. US Gold's sporting classic offered rowing, pole vaulting and skeet shooting... but it was the platform diving which most evoked summers spent showing off at the pool, like a tit.
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
Picture
WAVE RACE 64
Picture
Something of a forgotten classic, the water effects in Wave Race 64 were - at the time - so convincingly crystal clear that it made us thirsty. It's probably just as well that we couldn't drink the water, as it was sea water, and it would have probably damaged our kidneys and livers.
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
Picture
JUST CAUSE 3
Picture
Sure, you could spend your time in Just Cause 3 blowing stuff up, or travelling around the islands via grappling hook and wing suit... or you could just hang out on one of the glorious beaches, Instagramming the sunsets, like some wretched millennial..
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
Picture
SUPER MARIO SUNSHINE
Picture
This was the game where Mario went on a lovely holiday, and chose to spend his vacation scrubbing the resort of graffiti. You know: like when your mother-in-law comes to stay, and spends the entire two weeks cleaning your house, and rearranging the kitchen so that you can't find anything.

"Where's the Tabasco?"

"I buried it in the garden."

"WHYYYYY!!??!?"

PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
Picture
DEAD OR ALIVE XTREME BEACH VOLLEYBALL
Picture
Yay! Beach games! Frisbee, kite flying, and writhing around in the sand, hissing like a snake, until your parents tell you to stop because it's weird, apparently, and those people are looking. But surely volleyball is the ultimate beach game? Please say it is so!
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
Picture
COOL SPOT
Picture
If Cool Spot were a person - rather than a sort of corporate mascot for a fizzy drink - you'd want to knock those sunglasses clean off his face, using the biggest, sharpest, conch shell you could find. However, who among us hasn't strutted along the beach as if we owned it, thinking that - yes - we am the coolest dude on the beach?
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
Picture
SONIC ADVENTURE
Picture
For the Emerald Coast stage in Sonic Adventure, Sega's heroic hedgehog found himself in a tropical resort - complete with beach front hotels. Sadly, none of the game is concerned with Sonic's accommodation - so if you entered into it hoping for a mini game in which Sonic tries to figure out how the air conditioner in his room works, you were in for disappointment.
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
Picture
GRAND THEFT AUTO V
Picture
Though it boasts miles of pristine beachfront, Grand Theft Auto V isn't just about the sightseeing - it even has an impressive fun fair, along with rides. You know: like Blackpool, which - no offence to people from Blackpool, who are undoubtedly lovely - is a bit like inserting a party razzer into an unkempt anus.

Sadly, in GTAV there's no ghost train, and the try-your-luck stalls always seem to be shut, but there's still the big wheel and the rollercoaster for your parps and giggles.
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
Picture
UNRAVEL
Picture
There's a sort of mournful, nostalgic, autumnal quality to much of Unravel - but those beach stages evoke the hours many of us spent looking in rock pools, gathering crabs and shells. Incidentally, I'm trying very hard here not to write about the time my grandfather allowed a boy to steal my cardboard box of crabs, from beneath the caravan.

​Apparently, I'm always going on about that, and should let it go. But I didn't spend all afternoon gathering those crabs just for some boy to come along and steal them, with nought but a friendly wave from my grandfather.

​I mean, what's that all about? Some kid is rummaging around under your caravan, and you just wave and smile? Who does that? Of course he was up to no good. If they'd let me bring the crabs inside, like I'd wanted, it wouldn't even have happened. Pity's sake.
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
Picture
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
​CAN YOU MAKE IT THROUGH THIS GALLERY OF SEASIDE ARCADES WITHOUT GETTING DEPRESSED?
THE MAN'S DADDY'S EXCELLENT SUMMER HOLIDAY JOKES
7 INTENTIONALLY TERRIBLE GAMES
2 Comments
Wrist Flapper
7/7/2016 03:55:12 pm

Curious. I'm always happy to give people crabs from my box


And by box, I mean genitals.



And by crabs, I mean weeping sores.

Reply
Cc
16/7/2016 09:07:27 pm

And to think, that poor kid is still trapped on the Spacespinner Rollocoaster. I believe the video clip is from Day 14.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    This section will not be visible in live published website. Below are your current settings:


    Current Number Of Columns are = 2

    Expand Posts Area =

    Gap/Space Between Posts = 12px

    Blog Post Style = card

    Use of custom card colors instead of default colors = 1

    Blog Post Card Background Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Shadow Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Border Color = current color

    Publish the website and visit your blog page to see the results

    Picture
    Support Me on Ko-fi
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    RSS Feed Widget
    Picture

    Picture
    Tweets by @mrbiffo
    Picture
    Follow us on The Facebook

    Picture

    Archives

    December 2022
    May 2022
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    November 2020
    September 2020
    July 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014


    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ