Very soon, the schools will break up for the summer, and we'll have six long weeks ahead of us to fill.
"What are we doing today?".
"Stop asking me that."
"What are we doing tomorrow?"
<SLAP>
Some of us will be fortunate enough to be going on a summer holiday. For the rest of us, who are stuck at home, there is a solution: summer-y video games! Here's a brief summer-y (HAHAHAHA-HAHHAHAH) of the expectation they present us with, versus the less inspiring reality.
"What are we doing today?".
"Stop asking me that."
"What are we doing tomorrow?"
<SLAP>
Some of us will be fortunate enough to be going on a summer holiday. For the rest of us, who are stuck at home, there is a solution: summer-y video games! Here's a brief summer-y (HAHAHAHA-HAHHAHAH) of the expectation they present us with, versus the less inspiring reality.
OUTRUN
The lapping waves, the blue sky, and white, fluffy clouds. Can there be any activity which offers a greater sense of freedom and optimism than driving with your top down (well... hell-oh!), your best guy or gal at your side, and the radio on full blast? Probably - but we can't imagine what it might be. Probably something to do with a dog that barks money.
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
SUMMER GAMES
Can a game get any more summer-y than a game called Summer Games? Don't even bother mulling that over, for it cannot. US Gold's sporting classic offered rowing, pole vaulting and skeet shooting... but it was the platform diving which most evoked summers spent showing off at the pool, like a tit.
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
WAVE RACE 64
Something of a forgotten classic, the water effects in Wave Race 64 were - at the time - so convincingly crystal clear that it made us thirsty. It's probably just as well that we couldn't drink the water, as it was sea water, and it would have probably damaged our kidneys and livers.
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
JUST CAUSE 3
Sure, you could spend your time in Just Cause 3 blowing stuff up, or travelling around the islands via grappling hook and wing suit... or you could just hang out on one of the glorious beaches, Instagramming the sunsets, like some wretched millennial..
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
SUPER MARIO SUNSHINE
This was the game where Mario went on a lovely holiday, and chose to spend his vacation scrubbing the resort of graffiti. You know: like when your mother-in-law comes to stay, and spends the entire two weeks cleaning your house, and rearranging the kitchen so that you can't find anything.
"Where's the Tabasco?"
"I buried it in the garden."
"WHYYYYY!!??!?"
"Where's the Tabasco?"
"I buried it in the garden."
"WHYYYYY!!??!?"
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
DEAD OR ALIVE XTREME BEACH VOLLEYBALL
Yay! Beach games! Frisbee, kite flying, and writhing around in the sand, hissing like a snake, until your parents tell you to stop because it's weird, apparently, and those people are looking. But surely volleyball is the ultimate beach game? Please say it is so!
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
COOL SPOT
If Cool Spot were a person - rather than a sort of corporate mascot for a fizzy drink - you'd want to knock those sunglasses clean off his face, using the biggest, sharpest, conch shell you could find. However, who among us hasn't strutted along the beach as if we owned it, thinking that - yes - we am the coolest dude on the beach?
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
SONIC ADVENTURE
For the Emerald Coast stage in Sonic Adventure, Sega's heroic hedgehog found himself in a tropical resort - complete with beach front hotels. Sadly, none of the game is concerned with Sonic's accommodation - so if you entered into it hoping for a mini game in which Sonic tries to figure out how the air conditioner in his room works, you were in for disappointment.
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
GRAND THEFT AUTO V
Though it boasts miles of pristine beachfront, Grand Theft Auto V isn't just about the sightseeing - it even has an impressive fun fair, along with rides. You know: like Blackpool, which - no offence to people from Blackpool, who are undoubtedly lovely - is a bit like inserting a party razzer into an unkempt anus.
Sadly, in GTAV there's no ghost train, and the try-your-luck stalls always seem to be shut, but there's still the big wheel and the rollercoaster for your parps and giggles.
Sadly, in GTAV there's no ghost train, and the try-your-luck stalls always seem to be shut, but there's still the big wheel and the rollercoaster for your parps and giggles.
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
UNRAVEL
There's a sort of mournful, nostalgic, autumnal quality to much of Unravel - but those beach stages evoke the hours many of us spent looking in rock pools, gathering crabs and shells. Incidentally, I'm trying very hard here not to write about the time my grandfather allowed a boy to steal my cardboard box of crabs, from beneath the caravan.
Apparently, I'm always going on about that, and should let it go. But I didn't spend all afternoon gathering those crabs just for some boy to come along and steal them, with nought but a friendly wave from my grandfather.
I mean, what's that all about? Some kid is rummaging around under your caravan, and you just wave and smile? Who does that? Of course he was up to no good. If they'd let me bring the crabs inside, like I'd wanted, it wouldn't even have happened. Pity's sake.
Apparently, I'm always going on about that, and should let it go. But I didn't spend all afternoon gathering those crabs just for some boy to come along and steal them, with nought but a friendly wave from my grandfather.
I mean, what's that all about? Some kid is rummaging around under your caravan, and you just wave and smile? Who does that? Of course he was up to no good. If they'd let me bring the crabs inside, like I'd wanted, it wouldn't even have happened. Pity's sake.
PRESS REVEAL TO SEE THE REALITY:
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