Created in 1976 by US toy giant Kenner, Stretch Armstrong was something of a late-70s phenomenon. And for good reason: if there's one thing boys desire more than anything, it's being able to tug on a pudgy, semi-naked man who wears a pair of skin-tight rubber pants, and is seemingly untroubled by nipples.
With his supple membrane filled to the throat with corn syrup, pliable Armstrong could - as his name implied - be stretched up to five or six feet... and remain at that size for a few moments, before slowly returning to his original flaccid dimensions. It was a simple but effective concept.
Indeed, he was even easier to manipulate than an apricot-skinned emotionally-volatile egomaniac with narcissistic personality disorder, who got voted into high office on the mistaken belief that he'd finally get the respect and validation he's spent his entire life craving, yet is so lacking any real convictions of his own that he'll do whatever the hell his advisers tell him to do, so long as he thinks it'll raise cheers from his voter base.
As Netflix prepares to launch a new Stretch Armstrong animated TV series, here's a gallery of classic Stretch Armstrong toys. What do you think the chances are that we'll get through it without making any suggestive jokes...? Mostly likely low.
With his supple membrane filled to the throat with corn syrup, pliable Armstrong could - as his name implied - be stretched up to five or six feet... and remain at that size for a few moments, before slowly returning to his original flaccid dimensions. It was a simple but effective concept.
Indeed, he was even easier to manipulate than an apricot-skinned emotionally-volatile egomaniac with narcissistic personality disorder, who got voted into high office on the mistaken belief that he'd finally get the respect and validation he's spent his entire life craving, yet is so lacking any real convictions of his own that he'll do whatever the hell his advisers tell him to do, so long as he thinks it'll raise cheers from his voter base.
As Netflix prepares to launch a new Stretch Armstrong animated TV series, here's a gallery of classic Stretch Armstrong toys. What do you think the chances are that we'll get through it without making any suggestive jokes...? Mostly likely low.
STRETCH ARMSTRONG
The unspoken truth about Stretch Armstrong is this: we all wanted one... but as soon as we finally got one, disappointment followed in swift order. Once you'd stretched him a few times, there wasn't much else that you could do with him. As an action figure, he was virtually useless - no joints, no hands, no accessories. Indeed, at first he didn't even have any friends his own size to play with.
All that remained was to see how far he could be stretched before rupturing (hell-oh!). Often this would require a friend to hold one end, while you did the pulling - so to speak - or you could try wedging his legs or head under something.
Fact of the matter is, once you'd satisfied your curiosity, you were either never going to play with Stretch Armstrong again because you'd done everything you could with him, or because you'd burst his flanks, and there was a clear, sticky, discharge seeping from his torso. As it were.
"Play with him one at a time" came a warning in later packaging. A warning which was ignored by every single child who ever owned one.
All that remained was to see how far he could be stretched before rupturing (hell-oh!). Often this would require a friend to hold one end, while you did the pulling - so to speak - or you could try wedging his legs or head under something.
Fact of the matter is, once you'd satisfied your curiosity, you were either never going to play with Stretch Armstrong again because you'd done everything you could with him, or because you'd burst his flanks, and there was a clear, sticky, discharge seeping from his torso. As it were.
"Play with him one at a time" came a warning in later packaging. A warning which was ignored by every single child who ever owned one.
STRETCH MONSTER
Stretch Monster was the first addition to the Stretch Armstrong range. Though suffering from many of the same issues as Stretch himself, at least the two could be locked into a number of compromising embraces. It suggested that they weren't so much enemies as sweet and tender inter-species lovers.
Indeed, the images on the packaging suggested nothing less than a grotesque reinterpretation of The Joy of Sex.
Indeed, the images on the packaging suggested nothing less than a grotesque reinterpretation of The Joy of Sex.
STRETCH X-RAY
Stretch X-Ray - "The See-Thru Invader" - added a twist to the Stretch Armstrong template; his body was transparent, and you could see his guts. Stretch X-Ray built on the popularity of Revell's Visible Man and Woman - anatomically-correct model kits, showing the inner nonsense of a person.
Though it's unknown what sort of creature X-Ray was, his organs - a hard plastic lump of indistinct shape - suggested that his physiology had no correlation to human anatomy. Stretch him widely enough and you could see his guts in great detail. WINK WINK.
Though it's unknown what sort of creature X-Ray was, his organs - a hard plastic lump of indistinct shape - suggested that his physiology had no correlation to human anatomy. Stretch him widely enough and you could see his guts in great detail. WINK WINK.
STRETCH OCTOPUS
Aimed at girls and younger boys, Stretch Octopus arrived in two different designs; Ollie, who was blue (the colour boys like) and Olivia, who was pink (the colour that girls are born liking). Sadly, Stretch Octopus was somewhat less stretchy than Armstrong, Monster and X-Ray, due to the fact that the tentacles were the only stretchable part of the toy's body.
Still... look at the lad in the yellow turtleneck on the box; he couldn't be happier.
"Work, turn to the left!
Work, now turn to the right!
Work, sashay, shante!
Work, turn to the left!
Work, now turn to the right!
Work, sashay, shante...!"
Still... look at the lad in the yellow turtleneck on the box; he couldn't be happier.
"Work, turn to the left!
Work, now turn to the right!
Work, sashay, shante!
Work, turn to the left!
Work, now turn to the right!
Work, sashay, shante...!"
STRETCH HULK
Get this; Stretch Hulk was only ever released in the UK, by Marvel licensee Denys Fisher. Though utilising the same basic body as Stretch Armstrong, Stretch Hulk had a new head, colour scheme, and - excitingly - a pair of torn trousers. Clearly he'd already had a run-in with Mr Armstrong...
Hulk wasn't the only super-hero to get the stretch treatment; in the waning hours of the 70s, Mego produced figures based upon Spider-Man, Superman and Batman. Also; various Disney characters. Absurdly, a stretch version of the Fantastic Four's elastic-limbed Mr Fantastic didn't come along until 2005.
Hulk wasn't the only super-hero to get the stretch treatment; in the waning hours of the 70s, Mego produced figures based upon Spider-Man, Superman and Batman. Also; various Disney characters. Absurdly, a stretch version of the Fantastic Four's elastic-limbed Mr Fantastic didn't come along until 2005.
STRETCH SERPENT
Kenner's Stretch Serpent added further fuel to the gathering belief that the Stretch Armstrong range was scarcely-concealed filth; "It's eerie fun to stretch a serpent..."
Eerie is one word for it.
Sold, as "The Loch Ness Creature", the Stretch Serpent suggested a Scottish trip for Mr Armstrong. Suffice to say, dressed like that he'd have lasted about five minutes on the streets of Inverness.
Eerie is one word for it.
Sold, as "The Loch Ness Creature", the Stretch Serpent suggested a Scottish trip for Mr Armstrong. Suffice to say, dressed like that he'd have lasted about five minutes on the streets of Inverness.
NINJA STRETCH ARMSTRONG
Though the original Stretch Armstrong toys were discontinued in 1980, the character made a return in the early 1990s. Sporting a new, more unappealing, cartoonish face - with a rictus grin which suggested he was suffering from tetanus - plus a dog sidekick, Fetch Armstrong, the new-look Stretch was available in both the original size, and a smaller action figure configuration.
That latter saw Stretch shoe-horned into a number of roles which were ill-suited to a person with no bones - such as ninja, commando, Batman-like super-hero, scuba-diver and - not a lie - a cyberspace hacker, complete with a VR headset.
That latter saw Stretch shoe-horned into a number of roles which were ill-suited to a person with no bones - such as ninja, commando, Batman-like super-hero, scuba-diver and - not a lie - a cyberspace hacker, complete with a VR headset.
VAC-MAN
1990s Stretch Armstrong had a new arch-nemesis; Stretch Monster was out and Vac-Man was in. A
brand new concept for the Stretch range, Vac-Man contained grains produced from pulped corn cobs.
Stretching the figure, then removing the air using the pump provided (by sucking it out through his skull, - thereby becoming the first ever toy inspired by the arcane medical practice of trepanning), Vac-Man could be locked into position. Pressing a button on his head filled him with air again, and returned him to his original shape and size.
brand new concept for the Stretch range, Vac-Man contained grains produced from pulped corn cobs.
Stretching the figure, then removing the air using the pump provided (by sucking it out through his skull, - thereby becoming the first ever toy inspired by the arcane medical practice of trepanning), Vac-Man could be locked into position. Pressing a button on his head filled him with air again, and returned him to his original shape and size.
STRETCH LIMO
Nicely, 1990s Stretch went all-out to give kids what we missed out on in the 70s. Namely; accessories. The Stretch Limo proved that the toy's makers had already considered every joke we'd all made; the toy car fired missiles, and could be extended (slightly). Quite what benefit an extra metre or two would've had is anyone's guess, but extending the car also caused it to grin, like Stretch himself. Perhaps it was a Ford Tetanus.
STRETCH ARMSTRONG "WITH MANHOOD"
The rarest of all the Stretch Armstrong figures - only two are known to exist on the collectors' market - was the work of a couple of rogue Kenner employees. In creating their unsolicited prototypes, they demonstrated that the suggestive jokes were there from the very beginning.
If you would like to see this not-really-safe-for-work image... press reveal. Get ready to s-t-r-e-t-c-h...!
If you would like to see this not-really-safe-for-work image... press reveal. Get ready to s-t-r-e-t-c-h...!
REVEAL:
RSS Feed
