"Noot noot! Hello everyone, I’m prog rock legend and latterday Colonel Sanders lookalike, P. Gabriel. I’m here today to talk to you about a subject I have no interest in at all – video games on the PC gaming service, Steam!
"In fact, I think they probably only asked me because I once had a hit with a song called Steam, so it might all be an administrative error.
"It wasn’t as good a song as Sledgehammer either, to be honest, but it did pay for me to make another 5 albums of world music no one bought. Anyway, on with the reviews and my showbiz goss! Nooooooot!"
You pedal yourself along, pulling off stunts, skids and jumps down increasingly steep and hazard-strewn inclines. Crashes gnaw away at your limited health, and too many will mean a restart – though more minor incidents will see you respawning at checkpoints along the way once you’ve scraped yourself off of the gravel.
Slightly twitchy controls can make for a somewhat fiddlier time than we’d have liked, but it looks nice and is a fun little blast – and as tracks are algorithmically generated anew each time, you’ll certainly always have something different to try (although by the same token, you won’t be able to learn any given course to perfect it).
The idea of ‘boss’ levels with particularly swollen mega-jumps tickled my amusement bulb though!
SCORE: 7.366 out of 10.3
"Only it was about descending into a bad mood after losing your job rather than cycling (unless the job was as a paperboy, I suppose).
"Kate Bush was on it as well, but she wouldn’t sing a note until she’d eaten a whole 48-pack of Weetabix, dry. I guess that’s how she gets her lovely deep voice, but she’s ker-ayzeeee!!"
Anyway, Woolley Mountain isn’t a flash game or a £900 kitchen appliance scam. But it is, regrettably, a bit poo. A decidedly old school point-and-click adventure, it’s hamstrung by non-obvious puzzles you’ll have to bludgeon your way through more often than not by just trying every option, ‘funny’ dialogue that just grates after a while, and some background music that gets irritating a bit too rapidly.
Consequently, I can only really recommend it unless you get a lot of jollies from this particular genre, or you’re a huge fan of occasional British pop culture references, like seeing a ZX Spectrum onscreen (wheee).
Cheap, but not quite cheerful enough I’m afraid.
SCORE: 52.5556% out of 100.00004%
"How’s that for an ‘invisible touch’ eh?
"In your face, Phil Collings!"
Sadly not starring 80s pop act Was, Not Was (although if it did that could have got confusing VERY quickly), What Never Was is a first-person puzzle adventure in the mould of other walking simulator games like Everybody’s Gone To The Rapture and The Witness.
Here, you play a young girl cleaning out your grandad’s loft (mercifully, not a euphemism) and discovering things aren’t what they seem (even more mercifully, not meaning you discover a stash of well-thumbed ‘adult entertainment’ magazines and a gimp suit behind the box with the xmas decorations in).
There’s more than a suggestion this might be a very in-depth teaser for a bigger game to come, as it winds up a little too abruptly and with ends very much still loose.
But with decent voicework, visuals and puzzles, plus that sweet zero outlay, there are far worse experiences to while away a couple of hours on. Ideal for a commute, or if you really need to spend a worryingly long time in the lavatory and could do with a distraction.
SCORE: 800 and 2/3rds out of 1000 and 15/16ths
"One day, I rented it out to a young boyband called U2 making their first album, and they completely trashed the place – after they left it was totally covered in half-eaten cheese slices and dog hair.
"Rock bands today, eh? I bet they’ll never make it big like me and my 13 chart-topping albums. Noooooot!"