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STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS - TRAILER BREAKDOWN

20/10/2015

2 Comments

 
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Yesterday, Digitiser2000 took a look at the brand new Star Wars: The Force Awakens poster.

Today it's the turn of the exciting new trailer - released last night - to be on the receiving end of our exhaustive dissection tool.

Prepare to have your minds blown.

THIS IS REY, THE MOVIE'S LEAD CHARACTER - WHO BELIEVES HERSELF TO BE SO UGLY THAT SHE HAS TO HIDE HER HIDEOUS FACE BEHIND AN OLD HANKY FULL OF SPACE PHLEGM.
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HERE IS REY DOING PARKOUR, WHILE SINGING A SPECIAL SONG SHE'S MADE UP: "I CLIMB AND I CLAMBER, I SCURRY AND I SCAMPER, I AM A PARKOUR GIRL, AND PARKOUR IS MY WORLD...!"
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LOOK AT THE STATE OF THIS PLACE. SO DUSTY! PERHAPS REY HAS COME HERE TO SWEEP UP A BIT.
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ON THE PLANET JAKKU, REY LOOKS OUT AT SOME DUNES. FACT: OVER HALF THE TRAILER IS TAKEN UP WITH SHOTS OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE LOOKING AT SOME SAND.
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IF YOU LIVE ON A DESERT PLANET, HOW WISE IS IT TO LEAVE YOUR SHOULDERS EXPOSED? LET'S HOPE SHE'S GOT PLENTY OF AFTERSUN CREAM!
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HERE WE GLIMPSE A RECORDING OF THE GALAXY'S FAVOURITE GAME SHOW: 'THE WHEEL OF FORCE TUNES'. WHAT'S BEHIND THOSE LOVELY RED DRAPES? TONIGHT'S TOP PRIZE - A MOTORBOAT FULL OF BREAM!
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THIS IS STORMTROOPER WILSON - WHOSE BLOODIED HELMET BECOMES LUKE SKYWALKER'S ONLY COMPANION, WHEN HE FINDS HIMSELF MAROONED ON A DISTANT PLANET CALLED 'CASTERWOOAY'.
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A TIE FIGHTER PLUMMETS TOWARDS JAKKU. WE DON'T RATE ITS CHANCES IN THE ATMOSPHERE, GIVEN ITS UN-AERODYNAMIC DESIGN. WHY NOT JUST FLY AROUND IN A CEMENT LOZENGE, YOU SPACE DOLTS?
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STAR WARS? MORE LIKE 'SAND STARES'!!!!!!
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RETURN OF THE JEDI? MORE LIKE... RETURN OF THE RED-EYE!!!! DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE...
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KYLO REN LOOKS BUSY. BUT BUSY DOING WHAT?
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WHY, HE'S MADE THIS TERRIBLE MODEL OF DARTH VADER'S HAT USING MASHED-UP LICORICE.
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WE NEXT SEE REN'S LEATHER-CLAD HAND REACHING INTO THIS BOWL FOR MORE PONTEFRACT CAKES TO ADD TO A MODEL OF YODA.
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MEET DARTH SOLVENT - A CREEPY NEW CHARACTER WHOSE HELMET IS RENOWNED AS THE MOST SPHERICAL THING THAT EVER DID EXIST.
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THIS IS DARTH CEST - HE CLICKS AND CHIRRUPS AS HE BRINGS CHAOS TO THE GALAXY.
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HERE'S DARTH DULGENCE WRITING A STERN LETTER TO HIS LOCAL OMBUDSMAN, REGARDING THE NEW GYRATORY SYSTEM THAT WAS RECENTLY INSTALLED IN THE TOWN CENTRE. HE'S WORRIED THAT IT WILL AFFECT LOCAL BUSINESSES!
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THIS IS DARTH VERNESS - A SITH LORD WITH A HANKERIN' FOR MISCHIEF AND PRANKS! HE'S FOREVER LEAPING OUT OF BUSHES, AND HISSING LOUDLY AT FOLK.
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LOOK OUT - HERE COMES DARTH FECTION! HE'LL GRAB YOU BY THE SHOULDERS AND RUB YOU INTO A STUPOR.
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...AND LASTLY - HERE'S DARTH NUENDO, THE ULTIMATE SITH LORD, WHO CAN SHOOT REAMS OF MAGNETIC TAPE OUT OF HIS HANDS.
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OUT DECEMBER 17th! TICKERS ON SALE NOW!
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FROM THE ARCHIVE:
STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS - POSTER ANALYSIS
6 BEST STAR WARS GAMES
6 WORST STAR WARS GAMES


2 Comments
Adam
20/10/2015 10:45:51 pm

I believe Luke and Leia's kiss makes Luke into Darth Cestuous.

Reply
Mr Biffo
21/10/2015 10:02:46 pm

George Lucas was a pervert.

Reply



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