Congratulations! You have won a competition in Heat Magazine to spend a day with your favourite celebrity: Wikileaks founder Julian Assange!
Excited to meet your idol, you gather together the ingredients for a packed lunch, check the directions to his home, the Ecuadorian Embassy, and head into London.
This is going to be a great day!
Excited to meet your idol, you gather together the ingredients for a packed lunch, check the directions to his home, the Ecuadorian Embassy, and head into London.
This is going to be a great day!
You arrive at the Ecuadorian Embassy bang on time, and are surprised by the number of police hanging around outside, just walking back and forth, and humming.
"Why are there so many of you?" you ask a policeman.
"What?" replies the policeman, apparently disturbed by your question. "What do you mean?"
"Why are there so many police here at the Ecuadorian Embassy? Why do you need so many of you on the off-chance of arresting one man?"
The policeman is visibly relieved: "Oh, thank god. When you asked why there were so many of me, I worried for a minute that somebody might've cloned me!"
"That isn't what I meant," you reply.
"I understand," says the policeman. "I feel a bit foolish now."
"Why are there so many of you?" you ask a policeman.
"What?" replies the policeman, apparently disturbed by your question. "What do you mean?"
"Why are there so many police here at the Ecuadorian Embassy? Why do you need so many of you on the off-chance of arresting one man?"
The policeman is visibly relieved: "Oh, thank god. When you asked why there were so many of me, I worried for a minute that somebody might've cloned me!"
"That isn't what I meant," you reply.
"I understand," says the policeman. "I feel a bit foolish now."
You ring the doorbell of the Ecuadorian Embassy, and stand to attention as it plays the full Ecuadorian national anthem:
Eventually, the door of the Ecuadorian Embassy is opened by a smiling doorman.
"Welcome!" says the doorman. "I'm Gary, the doorman here at the Ecuadorian Embassy. Anything you need - so long as it relates to doors - Gary's your man (I'm Gary, remember). I guess you could say I'm the Ecuadorman! ROFL."
"Ok," you say.
"Opening doors, closing doors," continues the doorman, Gary. "I brush doors up and I brush 'em down. I cook doors in an oven. I paint doors. I can imagine a new door for you. I'll even do rood stuff (rood is door backwards!). I will do all these things for you... once! Twice! As many times as you like. Three times. Four."
The doorman, Gary, suddenly counts the fingers on his left hand: "One two three four five! That's how many fingers I have on this hand. Times two hands equals ten fingers total!"
"I see," you say.
"Enjoy your time here at the Ecuadorian Embassy!" says the doorman, Gary. "Mr Assange is a good friend of me. I've never bitten him, not even once. That's real good news."
"Welcome!" says the doorman. "I'm Gary, the doorman here at the Ecuadorian Embassy. Anything you need - so long as it relates to doors - Gary's your man (I'm Gary, remember). I guess you could say I'm the Ecuadorman! ROFL."
"Ok," you say.
"Opening doors, closing doors," continues the doorman, Gary. "I brush doors up and I brush 'em down. I cook doors in an oven. I paint doors. I can imagine a new door for you. I'll even do rood stuff (rood is door backwards!). I will do all these things for you... once! Twice! As many times as you like. Three times. Four."
The doorman, Gary, suddenly counts the fingers on his left hand: "One two three four five! That's how many fingers I have on this hand. Times two hands equals ten fingers total!"
"I see," you say.
"Enjoy your time here at the Ecuadorian Embassy!" says the doorman, Gary. "Mr Assange is a good friend of me. I've never bitten him, not even once. That's real good news."
You enter the Embassy, and follow the signs to Julian Assange. You pass through a hall full of wonderful treasures from the country of Ecuador.
Still following the signs, you head to the east wing of the Ecuadorian Embassy, where Julian Assange is waiting for you, sporting an inscrutable smile on his face.
"Hi - I'm Julian", sneers Julian Assange, with a needlessly patronising lilt. "But you can call me Jools."
"Okay," you reply. "I will."
"Thanks for coming to visit me here at the Ecuadorian Embassy! We're going to have a great day together. It'll be fun. Lot's of fun. Before we begin - can I just ask; are you male or female?"
Though taken aback by his question, you give Assange the information he asked for. He makes a note of it on his phone.
"Good," he says. "Very good."
"Hi - I'm Julian", sneers Julian Assange, with a needlessly patronising lilt. "But you can call me Jools."
"Okay," you reply. "I will."
"Thanks for coming to visit me here at the Ecuadorian Embassy! We're going to have a great day together. It'll be fun. Lot's of fun. Before we begin - can I just ask; are you male or female?"
Though taken aback by his question, you give Assange the information he asked for. He makes a note of it on his phone.
"Good," he says. "Very good."
"Let me ask you something," continues Assange, putting away his phone. "What is the most important thing in the world?"
"Er... freedom?" you venture.
"Wro-o-ong!" bellows Assange, stamping his foot three times, and spinning around. "The most important thing in the world is the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved."
"Isn't that the same thing as - " you go to ask, before Assange silences you with a sharp hiss, and a flick of his fingers.
"Julian is speaking!" says Julian Assange. "You must allow Julian to speak."
"Er... freedom?" you venture.
"Wro-o-ong!" bellows Assange, stamping his foot three times, and spinning around. "The most important thing in the world is the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved."
"Isn't that the same thing as - " you go to ask, before Assange silences you with a sharp hiss, and a flick of his fingers.
"Julian is speaking!" says Julian Assange. "You must allow Julian to speak."
"Within these walls of the Ecuadorian Embassy," continues Julian Assange, "We are both free. Free to walk its halls. Free to say whatever we like."
"Ok," you say, freely.
"Stop interrupting!" snaps Assange. "But the second I step outside I shall be arrested, and sent to Sweden."
You notice that he pronounces it "Zveden".
"This isn't as much fun as I'd hoped," you mutter.
"Have you been to Zveden?" asks Assange, before continuing without waiting for your reply. "It's quite cold there, and everyone is so blonde that the sun reflects off their heads and makes it difficult to see. It is a golden place. They all walk around eating raw fish. They just hold a fish in their hands - both hands - and take bites out of it during the day."
"I'm not sure that's true," you say.
"I am the one true founder of Wikileaks," counters Assange, "And only I shall be the judge of what is true and what isn't true. Everything you know is a lie."
"Like what?" you ask.
"Ok," you say, freely.
"Stop interrupting!" snaps Assange. "But the second I step outside I shall be arrested, and sent to Sweden."
You notice that he pronounces it "Zveden".
"This isn't as much fun as I'd hoped," you mutter.
"Have you been to Zveden?" asks Assange, before continuing without waiting for your reply. "It's quite cold there, and everyone is so blonde that the sun reflects off their heads and makes it difficult to see. It is a golden place. They all walk around eating raw fish. They just hold a fish in their hands - both hands - and take bites out of it during the day."
"I'm not sure that's true," you say.
"I am the one true founder of Wikileaks," counters Assange, "And only I shall be the judge of what is true and what isn't true. Everything you know is a lie."
"Like what?" you ask.
"Everything," continues Assange. "The sky isn't really even blue."
"I'm sure it is," you reply.
"Well, maybe it is blue, but I've been stuck here in the Ecuadorian Embassy so long I can't even remember."
"Couldn't you look out a window?"
"I suppose," sighs Assange. "I've never really thought about it."
"I'm sure it is," you reply.
"Well, maybe it is blue, but I've been stuck here in the Ecuadorian Embassy so long I can't even remember."
"Couldn't you look out a window?"
"I suppose," sighs Assange. "I've never really thought about it."
The phone rings, and Assange answers.
"Hello, Jools Assange speaking," says Assange, speaking. "Ah! Edward!"
Assange winks at you, and covers the mouthpiece.
"It's Edward Snowden, the CIA whistleblower," he whispers, before turning back to the phone.
"What can I do for you, Edward...? You just fancied a chat? Well, I'm with someone right now... Yes, that's right. The Heat Magazine competition... No, I can't get you a free subscription... Yes, yes - I did ask if it was a man or a woman... Yes, I'll let you know. Goodbye, and take care."
And with that, Assange hangs up, abruptly.
"Now," he says, turning to you, "Why don't we go have some fun?"
"Hello, Jools Assange speaking," says Assange, speaking. "Ah! Edward!"
Assange winks at you, and covers the mouthpiece.
"It's Edward Snowden, the CIA whistleblower," he whispers, before turning back to the phone.
"What can I do for you, Edward...? You just fancied a chat? Well, I'm with someone right now... Yes, that's right. The Heat Magazine competition... No, I can't get you a free subscription... Yes, yes - I did ask if it was a man or a woman... Yes, I'll let you know. Goodbye, and take care."
And with that, Assange hangs up, abruptly.
"Now," he says, turning to you, "Why don't we go have some fun?"
Assange gives you a slow and tedious tour of the building. At one stage, he points to a large flag hanging from a bannister.
"This is the flag of Ecuador," he explains, but forgets to stop pointing for upwards of 12 minutes. Eventually, he comes to his senses.
"Come on. There's somebody you totally need to meet."
"This is the flag of Ecuador," he explains, but forgets to stop pointing for upwards of 12 minutes. Eventually, he comes to his senses.
"Come on. There's somebody you totally need to meet."
"This is the ruler of Ecuador," says Assange, leading you into a grand room. "His name is Balloon Head."
Balloon Head speaks, but to you it just sounds like somebody letting air out of a balloon. Assange, however, seems to understand.
"Thank you, your grace," he says, bowing five times, while walking in a circle. "And, yes, I did ask if it was male or female."
Balloon Head speaks, but to you it just sounds like somebody letting air out of a balloon. Assange, however, seems to understand.
"Thank you, your grace," he says, bowing five times, while walking in a circle. "And, yes, I did ask if it was male or female."
Following your audience with Balloon Head, Assange leads you to the final stop on the tour: his private quarters.
"I want to show you some of my art," says Julian Assange. "I have so much time on my hands, here at the Ecuadorian Embassy, that I've become quite the artist. I think there is so much truth in art."
He rummages around in a cupboard, before finding what he was looking for.
"Here you go," he says. "This is a self-portrait I did."
"Oh," you reply, as he hands you a page torn from a child's colouring book.
"I want to show you some of my art," says Julian Assange. "I have so much time on my hands, here at the Ecuadorian Embassy, that I've become quite the artist. I think there is so much truth in art."
He rummages around in a cupboard, before finding what he was looking for.
"Here you go," he says. "This is a self-portrait I did."
"Oh," you reply, as he hands you a page torn from a child's colouring book.
"Well anyway," sighs Assange. "I guess that's the end of our time together. I had quite a good day, considering."
"Considering what?" you ask.
But Assange says nothing. He just taps the side of his nose, walks backwards, and hides behind a curtain. You wait several minutes to see if he'll emerge.
Eventually: "You need to leave," whispers Assange. "I'm having a poo."
"Considering what?" you ask.
But Assange says nothing. He just taps the side of his nose, walks backwards, and hides behind a curtain. You wait several minutes to see if he'll emerge.
Eventually: "You need to leave," whispers Assange. "I'm having a poo."
"How was your day with Mr Assange?" asks the doorman, Gary, as you leave the Ecuadorian Embassy.
"It was ok," you reply.
"I knew it would be," chuckles the doorman, Gary. "Hey - have you ever played Bejeweled Blitz?"
"No," you say.
"I have," says the doorman, Gary. "I've got it on my phone."
He shuffles backwards and forth, apparently unsure what else to say. "Well, goodbye," he says, eventually.
"Goodbye," you say in response.
"It was ok," you reply.
"I knew it would be," chuckles the doorman, Gary. "Hey - have you ever played Bejeweled Blitz?"
"No," you say.
"I have," says the doorman, Gary. "I've got it on my phone."
He shuffles backwards and forth, apparently unsure what else to say. "Well, goodbye," he says, eventually.
"Goodbye," you say in response.
As you head down the steps of the Ecuadorian Embassy, you look back over your shoulder and see Julian Assange at a window, waving.
You assume he's waving you goodbye, and lift your hand to return the wave. But then you realise he was waving sarcastically at the policemen who are gathered outside.
You assume he's waving you goodbye, and lift your hand to return the wave. But then you realise he was waving sarcastically at the policemen who are gathered outside.
When he sees you looking up at him his face turns to thunder.
His wave becomes a middle-finger salute, which he gestures angrily towards you.
His wave becomes a middle-finger salute, which he gestures angrily towards you.
THE END
RSS Feed
