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SONY IS RELEASING A MINI PLAYSTATION, SO HERE's A BUNCH OF THINGS EVERY PLAYSTATION OWNER WILL REMEMBER

19/9/2018

25 Comments

 
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It was inevitable, but Sony has announced that it's copying Nintendo, and releasing a miniature version of its original PlayStation. The PlayStation Classic - due later this year - will arrive with 20 pre-loaded games (including Final Fantasy VII, Jumping Flash, R4 Ridge Racer Type 4, Tekken 3 and Wild Arms).

​
So, that's exciting, probably.

To celebrate this news, here are a bunch of things which anybody who owned a PlayStation will remember... WITH THEIR MINDS.
DEM CABLES
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Prior to the fifth generation of games consoles, plugging your machine into the telly was a simple enough task (albeit one rendered somewhat trickier by the need to tune to the correct channel). The PlayStation arrived with a whole bunch of terrifyingly unfamiliar wires, which - at least initially - were bewildering to anybody more used to the quasi-erotic dance of inserting an RF lead into the appropriate hole.

Three holes?! What are you meant to do with three holes, dad?!? 
MEMORY CARDS
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Before the PlayStation, games either didn't save at all or saved to the cartridge. With the PlayStation - only the second console to feature removable memory cards - we all learned that storage comes at a premium. Also, do you remember those clear plastic ones? They were nice. And by "nice" I mean "a bit cheap-looking".
WOBBLY POLYGONS
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PlayStation games arguably looked better than those on rival systems. Nevertheless, looking back now those textured polygons had a strange tendency to wobbly slightly, as if they weren't entirely tuned in. Also, let us join together in recalling the way textures would distort when you pushed your face into them. Just like a cake! 
THIRD PARTY CONTROLLERS
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The PlayStation controller wasn't exactly the most comfortable joypad ever invented, so many of us opted for a third-party option when choosing a second one.

​We learned to our despair that all of these, without exception, were worse than Sony's design, despite having names like Hypercon and The Ultra Performance Jeremy. The nubbins were either too long or too short, and they'd often have a bunch of extra buttons which didn't actually do anything. And lights, for some reason. What is this - a joypad or a disco?!? AMIRITE?!? LOL.
PLAYING A LOCAL BEE
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We didn't all have friends back in the 90s, so lots of PlayStation owners instead challenged local bees to two-player games. Who can forget the visceral thrill of thrashing a bee at Tekken? Bees think they're so great, but they're not. They can't even play Tekken that well. They're just bees.
CRACKED GAME CASES
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Once you finally worked out how to open a PlayStation game case, it was only a matter of time until said case would end up cracked. Nobody ever owned a collection of PlayStation games without at least one of them in a damaged case. On the plus side, a shard of shattered PlayStation case would make a solid makeshift shank in the event of a home invasion or impromptu murder.
BLACK DISCS
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How did this even work? Even today it seems like witchcraft. Unfortunately, the none-more-black PlayStation discs were just as prone to getting scratched as regular CDs, and the blackness really showed up those blemishes. Which was an issue when trying to flog review copies down at CEX.

And while we're on the topic of discs, we all tried playing music on the PlayStation, right? At least until we realised that they sounded worse coming out of our TVs than the stereo. 
DISCOVERING THAT LOCAL BEES HAD TURNED YOUR PLAYSTATION INTO A HIVE
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There was no greater shock for PlayStation owns than opening the lid of their console to discover a bunch of local bees had turned it into a hive. Still, at least the honey tasted great - that is if you could get to it without being stung on the palm! Those bees should learn to "beehive" themselves (behave themselves)!!!!!

Bees.
DEMO DISCS
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Sony kept PlayStation owners furnished with a regular supply of demo discs, and the one we all remember was the one with the t-rex. It was created to suggest that the PlayStation was capable of computer graphics on a par with the recently-released Jurassic Park. It wasn't, but in terms of drawing a line in the sand, it showed off the huge slough twixt 16-bit and 32-bit technology. 
S.A.P.S
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Sony's PlayStation ads were iconic - the one with the weird alien girl, the cradle to the grave one, the award-winning Double Life - but it all began with S.A.P.S. The ad attempted reverse-psychology by featuring the Society Against PlayStation, fronted by a gentleman who now looks worrying young, warning against the dangers of PlayStation.

​Specifically, that it would turn "Healthy young men" into chimpanzees. You didn't fool anyone, Sony! We knew it was an ad!!! We're not idiots FFS.
STUFFING A LOCAL BEE INTO THE MEMORY CARD SLOT
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It wasn't just memory cards we put in the PlayStation memory card slot - sometimes we stuffed local bees in there too. This allowed you to play the bee's memories. Unfortunately, most bees don't have very interesting memories - it's just loads of buzzing and wet dreams about flowers.
CATAPULTING THINGS OFF THE LID
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We all did this. Didn't we...? At least once? Unfortunately, it turned out that the lid spring wasn't very powerful, and you could only launch lightweight objects, like paperclips and "minnies".
THE SONY BEESTATION
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For reasons they declined to discuss, Sony briefly issued a series of limited-edition PlayStations branded as the "Sony BeeStation". Though no reference to bees was made across promotional material and packaging - beyond the reworked logo - punters were quick to snap up this rare edition, making it one of the most sought-after console collectibles of all time! 

See also when Sega tried to get in on the act, and announced that the Saturn would henceforth be known as the "Sega Beenis". That didn't work out so great for them. 
25 Comments
Soapdish
19/9/2018 10:10:02 am

This list is unBEElievable

Reply
Orless
19/9/2018 10:14:03 am

And who can forget turning their PlayStation upside down to access the hidden 'Aussie Mode' in many games.

So many corks! LOL!

Reply
David
19/9/2018 10:14:51 am

Beehave

Reply
DEAN
19/9/2018 10:47:42 am

Excellent!

I'm glad they used the original pad without analogue sticks (hated they) and that I'm going to buy one and realistically not enjoy the scratchy graphics.

It would be remiss to not have a Wipeout game... and Crash and Croft.

Crash & Croft would make a great game and yes, they would drive a gravity rollercoaster boat.

Reply
Marro
19/9/2018 04:04:28 pm

In my Crash And Croft you would have to run a farm in the Scottish Highlands during the 2008 Financial Crisis.

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Mentalist
19/9/2018 06:51:32 pm

In mine, you'd drink a skinful of sherry, then find someone's floor to sleep it off on.

It's not even a video game.

Nocturne
19/9/2018 11:21:34 am

Wasn't the cradle to grave advert Xbox? Entirely ruined the whole article for me, I'm off to punch a bee right in the face out of anger.

Reply
MENTALIST
19/9/2018 01:47:01 pm

Not only was it an Xbox ad, but it wasn't award-winning, it was banned.

On topic, there was a similar Xbox ad about the buzzing of insects:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9sZKcSJ2mo

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RichardM
19/9/2018 11:30:54 am

£89.99!? I could nearly buy a beehive for that, although one off eBay: not one of the nice ones.

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RichardM
19/9/2018 11:33:21 am

Also: I have never heard of Jumping Flash!, one of the bundled games. Sounds a bit ropey.

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He's a gas
19/9/2018 05:09:58 pm

Really? It was iconic. The main protagonist was a bee that learned to jump, rather than swim like the the other bees. This bee -- who a tad confusingly was called Ian Beele -- was from the East End of the field and, as such, likes apples and pears more than honey. So he would jump from pool to pool, bobbing ('beeing') for these fruits, before returning to the hive where he would attempt to bum the Queen (who was called Victoria), because he really what a dirty little B-stard. This is the best comment, btw.

Reply
He's a gas...
19/9/2018 05:11:08 pm

* was, not what. Or wasp. Yeah, wasp!

Super Bad Advice
19/9/2018 05:45:25 pm

Jumping Flash is this: chuffing excellent.

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Mike
19/9/2018 07:33:10 pm

Why hasn’t this been VR’d yet

Tim Miller
19/9/2018 02:05:31 pm

I never played against local bees, but I did have a stag beetle who was pretty hopeless at the two-player mode in Um Jammer Lammy.

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Bryan
19/9/2018 02:16:17 pm

Oh, I see what you did there, stag BEEtle.

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Spiney O’Sullivan
19/9/2018 02:20:34 pm

Wait, people were actually upset by changing from the RF unit to nice simple plug-and-play AV cables?

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Orless
19/9/2018 05:03:34 pm

No.

Reply
Mr. Sandwich-Enaveseer
19/9/2018 03:00:51 pm

I knew 6-year-old me was a fool putting nail files and jam sandwiches in every available slot of their devices, but I never would have guessed the problem was *they were not sentient beings*.

Oh well. I’ll have to settle with my own happBEE memories of Crash Team Racing. Which better be one of those 20 games, otherwise why bother having two controllers at all?

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Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
19/9/2018 03:14:53 pm

I think every PlayStation owner bought at least one shitty third party memory card, thinking they were getting a bargain, only to discover it used a battery and when the battery died, your saves went kablooie.

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Guru Larry link
19/9/2018 04:56:57 pm

Sticking a bit of blu tak on the disc closed button inside the machine, so you could play import/pirated games on the thing :D

Reply
Robobob
19/9/2018 06:59:58 pm

They missed a trick not calling it the "Bee-pad" (D-pad)!!!!!

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Smilin' Peter
19/9/2018 07:24:53 pm

The best CD album to play through the PS's CD player was, of course, Let It Bee by The Bee-tles.

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B.B. King (bee)
19/9/2018 11:59:21 pm

It could also play vinyl singles.

But only the B-side.

Reply
Jim
21/9/2018 03:39:16 pm

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-england-cambridgeshire-45604525/more-than-60000-bees-found-in-roof-of-cambridge-hospital

Reply



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