Yesterday was a big day for people who love slightly dull presentations. First up: Apple's annual festival of self congratulation.
It opened like a beautiful flower (albeit one of those ones that give off the stench of rotting meat) with an ill-considered sketch featuring Apple boss Tim "No Steve Jobs" Cook and James "Big in America" Corden.
As he took to the stage following the clip, Cook - looking rather too pleased with himself - told us that there'd be brand new episodes of Corden's Carpool Karaoke arriving on iTunes. Cook paused after the announcement, primed for applause. Instead, he was hit in the face with a tumbleweed.
Which is odd, as by all accounts America has clutched Corden to its bosom. Perhaps there were more British journalists in the audience than Cook had counted on.
It opened like a beautiful flower (albeit one of those ones that give off the stench of rotting meat) with an ill-considered sketch featuring Apple boss Tim "No Steve Jobs" Cook and James "Big in America" Corden.
As he took to the stage following the clip, Cook - looking rather too pleased with himself - told us that there'd be brand new episodes of Corden's Carpool Karaoke arriving on iTunes. Cook paused after the announcement, primed for applause. Instead, he was hit in the face with a tumbleweed.
Which is odd, as by all accounts America has clutched Corden to its bosom. Perhaps there were more British journalists in the audience than Cook had counted on.
SHIGS
Fortunately, this was countered by a much more warmly received appearance from Shigeru Miyamoto. He bravely - but unwisely - attempted his introduction in English, before leaving it to a translator to tell us that Mario is coming to iOS, in a pay-one-fee endless runner. Cook asserted that the Apple Store has more than half a million games on it... as if such a policy of quantity over quality was a good thing.
Then we got some guff about Apple's education policy, collaborative working, yadda yada yadda, new watch, new iPhone - with "courageous" lack of headphone jack, equating Apple's pointless design decision to the selflessness of, say, a firefighter who runs into a burning pharmacy to rescue a fox - lots of corporate puffery, and a climax which saw James Corden return to the stage to do a big poo in a vase.
It was a cosplay version of the sort of presentation Apple has been giving for years - complete with a series of quasi-sexy product demonstrations voiced by Apple's design chief, Sir Jonny Ive, that were almost beyond parody ("Sir Jonny I've Got an Erection" more like).
Then this happened: Sony's "PlayStation Meeting", which gave us the news that there are two new PlayStation 4s on the way - the Slim and the Pro (sounds like a Charlie Chaplin movie) - which arrive this month and in November, respectively.
Fortunately, this was countered by a much more warmly received appearance from Shigeru Miyamoto. He bravely - but unwisely - attempted his introduction in English, before leaving it to a translator to tell us that Mario is coming to iOS, in a pay-one-fee endless runner. Cook asserted that the Apple Store has more than half a million games on it... as if such a policy of quantity over quality was a good thing.
Then we got some guff about Apple's education policy, collaborative working, yadda yada yadda, new watch, new iPhone - with "courageous" lack of headphone jack, equating Apple's pointless design decision to the selflessness of, say, a firefighter who runs into a burning pharmacy to rescue a fox - lots of corporate puffery, and a climax which saw James Corden return to the stage to do a big poo in a vase.
It was a cosplay version of the sort of presentation Apple has been giving for years - complete with a series of quasi-sexy product demonstrations voiced by Apple's design chief, Sir Jonny Ive, that were almost beyond parody ("Sir Jonny I've Got an Erection" more like).
Then this happened: Sony's "PlayStation Meeting", which gave us the news that there are two new PlayStation 4s on the way - the Slim and the Pro (sounds like a Charlie Chaplin movie) - which arrive this month and in November, respectively.
PRO BONO
What can the PlayStation Pro do? It can do 4K video, and it can do high-def textures or something, and it can do HDR, whatever that is.
I'm only familiar with HDR, because it's that thing that happens on my iPhone when I take a photo, and leave my finger on the shutter button slightly too long.
Basically - for those of you who are technophobes like myself - it will make games look, y'know, a bit better. It's something to do with the lighting and colours. We'll get brighter explosions, we were told - which gives you pretty much everything you need to know about the current state of gaming.
But wait: a software upgrade for existing PS4s will also give them HDR visuals, just not the 4K, or the HD textures. All PS4 games will run on all PS4s - they'll just look slightly nicer on the Pro. Basically, this is Sony adopting the same model as Apple: incremental upgrades to existing technology, rather than things taking a quantum leap forwards every five or so years.
Unfortunately, HDR is precisely the sort of vague and difficult-to-get nonsense that most people don't care about - demonstrating the huge gulf between tech people and normal people. It also didn't help that anybody watching the event online - as I was - couldn't really tell the difference between the before and after clips showing PS4 games with and without HDR.
It was as if Apple had chosen to show off their new iPhone 7 by hiding it under a sheet of gauze, and forcing a physicist - who had just woken up from a four-year coma - to describe it.
UNSPOKEN WHAT?
The unspoken implication was that this is all happening now because you'll sort of need one to get the best out of PlayStation VR - which drops next month, in case you'd forgotten (and who could blame you?). However, when PlayStation CEO Andrew House and his cronies (let's call them The Bungalows) came to PSVR, they just sort of mumbled and shuffled their feet, and couldn't move on fast enough.
There's almost a sense from Sony that they're regretting ever announcing the thing. It's like when you arrange a dinner party in March, and by the time it comes around in October you've gone off the idea.
Indeed, the most startling thing about Sony's "meeting" was the sheer awkwardness of those it got to present the demonstration. House displayed such a lack of passion and conviction it's a wonder he hasn't been re-dubbed Andrew Semi-Detached.
His thousand yard stare and permanent frown lent him the demeanour of a man who... well... a man who was about to host a dinner party to which he'd invited Idi Amin, Robespierre and Kanye West.
What can the PlayStation Pro do? It can do 4K video, and it can do high-def textures or something, and it can do HDR, whatever that is.
I'm only familiar with HDR, because it's that thing that happens on my iPhone when I take a photo, and leave my finger on the shutter button slightly too long.
Basically - for those of you who are technophobes like myself - it will make games look, y'know, a bit better. It's something to do with the lighting and colours. We'll get brighter explosions, we were told - which gives you pretty much everything you need to know about the current state of gaming.
But wait: a software upgrade for existing PS4s will also give them HDR visuals, just not the 4K, or the HD textures. All PS4 games will run on all PS4s - they'll just look slightly nicer on the Pro. Basically, this is Sony adopting the same model as Apple: incremental upgrades to existing technology, rather than things taking a quantum leap forwards every five or so years.
Unfortunately, HDR is precisely the sort of vague and difficult-to-get nonsense that most people don't care about - demonstrating the huge gulf between tech people and normal people. It also didn't help that anybody watching the event online - as I was - couldn't really tell the difference between the before and after clips showing PS4 games with and without HDR.
It was as if Apple had chosen to show off their new iPhone 7 by hiding it under a sheet of gauze, and forcing a physicist - who had just woken up from a four-year coma - to describe it.
UNSPOKEN WHAT?
The unspoken implication was that this is all happening now because you'll sort of need one to get the best out of PlayStation VR - which drops next month, in case you'd forgotten (and who could blame you?). However, when PlayStation CEO Andrew House and his cronies (let's call them The Bungalows) came to PSVR, they just sort of mumbled and shuffled their feet, and couldn't move on fast enough.
There's almost a sense from Sony that they're regretting ever announcing the thing. It's like when you arrange a dinner party in March, and by the time it comes around in October you've gone off the idea.
Indeed, the most startling thing about Sony's "meeting" was the sheer awkwardness of those it got to present the demonstration. House displayed such a lack of passion and conviction it's a wonder he hasn't been re-dubbed Andrew Semi-Detached.
His thousand yard stare and permanent frown lent him the demeanour of a man who... well... a man who was about to host a dinner party to which he'd invited Idi Amin, Robespierre and Kanye West.
RAMBO
Sony tried hard to ram home the message that the Pro is an addition to its PlayStation line-up, rather than a replacement, but it was a rather hollow message, and hard to get too excited about anything Sony had to say (though all of that might've been down to the sheer lack of energy on stage).
Maybe they did talk big about PlayStation VR, and I just missed it because my attention had drifted away.
The event concluded with a showreel of upcoming PlayStation games, but all it did was highlight the depressing reality that almost all mainstream games now look like versions of one another; photorealism, all these endless attempts to bridge the Uncanny Valley, has pretty much killed real artistic imagination. It's painting with a calculator, rather than a brush.
Call of Duty blended into Mass Effect blended into Rise of the Tomb Raider blended into that new jungle game with robot dinosaurs that looks a bit like Uncharted and Rise of the Tomb Raider but with Robot Dinosaurs which looked a bit like the dinosaurs in No Man's Sky - but robots.
Again, the whole thing just felt tired, and a long, long way from the Sony of the past, which understood its branding, understood how to get people excited about its products without hitting them over the head with numbers and tech-speak. It's as if gaming is moving backwards, after decades of it becoming something everyone could grasp and understand - and want to be a part of.
Of course, the real message of both the Sony and Apple presentations is that technology has hit a glass ceiling. The big leaps forward - 3D games, HD, touchscreen - have all happened. There are no more easy-to-understand, big shifts left to make, to get people excited.
Well, there's VR, but even with just over a month to go until PSVR arrives, Sony appear to be doing their level best to pretend that isn't happening.
Sony tried hard to ram home the message that the Pro is an addition to its PlayStation line-up, rather than a replacement, but it was a rather hollow message, and hard to get too excited about anything Sony had to say (though all of that might've been down to the sheer lack of energy on stage).
Maybe they did talk big about PlayStation VR, and I just missed it because my attention had drifted away.
The event concluded with a showreel of upcoming PlayStation games, but all it did was highlight the depressing reality that almost all mainstream games now look like versions of one another; photorealism, all these endless attempts to bridge the Uncanny Valley, has pretty much killed real artistic imagination. It's painting with a calculator, rather than a brush.
Call of Duty blended into Mass Effect blended into Rise of the Tomb Raider blended into that new jungle game with robot dinosaurs that looks a bit like Uncharted and Rise of the Tomb Raider but with Robot Dinosaurs which looked a bit like the dinosaurs in No Man's Sky - but robots.
Again, the whole thing just felt tired, and a long, long way from the Sony of the past, which understood its branding, understood how to get people excited about its products without hitting them over the head with numbers and tech-speak. It's as if gaming is moving backwards, after decades of it becoming something everyone could grasp and understand - and want to be a part of.
Of course, the real message of both the Sony and Apple presentations is that technology has hit a glass ceiling. The big leaps forward - 3D games, HD, touchscreen - have all happened. There are no more easy-to-understand, big shifts left to make, to get people excited.
Well, there's VR, but even with just over a month to go until PSVR arrives, Sony appear to be doing their level best to pretend that isn't happening.
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