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SO BAD THEY'RE BaD: HORRIBLE VIDEO GAME COVERS

7/2/2018

20 Comments

 
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Not everybody can be good at art. There's no shame in that. You're not defective if you can't wield a pen or paintbrush with any degree of skill.

​But, frankly, if you're no good at something you probably shouldn't get a job doing it. I mean, who wants a bus driver who has never passed his bus driving test, or a dentist who can't tell a drill from a spatula?

Unfortunately, while most vocations have a strict "skilled professionals only" policy, it isn't so when it comes to computer and video game cover artists. Here's a gallery of some of the genre's most harrowing work...
JOUNETSU NEKKETSU ATHLETES
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"Look, Red Sash - up in the sky... do you recognise that cloud?"

"Can it be...!? Pa... Papa?!? He came back - as a cloud?!"

"Don't be ridiculous, Red Sash. It just looks like your little weenis."
STREET WARRIOR
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"Uh-oh. The guys from the giant ham store are walking over here. What are we gonna do, Brott?"

"Just play it cool, Phondue. They'll never notice we've hidden them down our trackie bottoms."

"Bark!"
GRAFFITI MAN
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This is deeply disturbing. It's like a poorly-focused photograph of late-era Michael Jackson. Very late-era... As in posthumous. Look at the lips... LOOK AT THE LIPPSSS-SS-S-S.
ISOLATED WARRIOR
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No doubt he's isolated because he's been fired from his job as a caretaker for stealing mopheads and wearing them as wigs.
ADVENTURES OF PINOCCHIO
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Whichever cheap and cheerful 3D graphics program they used for this evidently only had one stock pose for figures: arms outstretched as if greeting a long-lost loved one. 

"I'm a real boy!"

No, you're a dead-eyed CGI ghoul.
LIGHTHOUSE: THE DARK BEING
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It's not so much that the CGI is bad here (although it is - especially on that hideous rubber-flesh infant), more the terrible photoshopping that's going on. This cover offers precisely no sense of what the actual game might be like. 

Ha ha: "Deutsch"!
SECRET QUEST
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Weird dragon thing with curvature of the spine steps out of disco shower. Get smacked in the face by stick-wielding pervert in spray-on bodysuit.
CASTLE OF DRAGON
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Castle of Dragon? Castle of Shit Illustration more like. 
STREET SPORTS BASKETBALL
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"Nnnnnngg-nngg-nnnuh-na-nnnnggggggg!"

Also, what's with the dirty protest all over the backboard?
STREET SPORTS BASEBALL
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"Urrrgh! Wasps!"
WALK IT OUT
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If you saw this family coming towards you there would be but one option on the table: smacking each and every last one of them in their smug, self-satisfied face with a rolled-up magazine. Yes, that might seem needlessly aggressive, but just look at them. Especially the boy.
OMG 26 OUR MINI GAMES
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Do you remember Alan Partridge's World Cup Soccermeter?
MOLE HUNTER
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There are no moles on this cover. Merely something that might be a beaver (though, frankly, it's anyone's guess what that is), a ghost snake, and a burly man with a massive ball-head hammer and a hankering' for smashin' some moles (not a euphemism).
KISS N' KILL
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The Ultimate Condom Simulator! Yes: simulator. They're suggesting that this images present some sort realistic simulation of condom usage. God knows what the penultimate condom simulation was like.
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20 Comments
goonerreed
7/2/2018 09:14:24 am

Graffiti Man looks like a 2000AD character around the time the mag went all-colour.

Reply
Raybies
7/2/2018 09:28:13 pm

I'd specifically say when Carlos Ezquerra started colouring his work with computers. I'm slowly working through the complete Judge Dredd and I'm not looking forward to that era.

Reply
DEAN
7/2/2018 09:52:43 am

The EPYX STREET SPORTS covers are unforgivable.

I mean those chaps are real guys - they had some kind of modelling contract - probably flashed those pics about when hitting on potential mates in bars and at the Starbucks.

I've often considered how STI riddled my life could have been had I scored a contract modelling clothes for Jacamo or High & Mighty.... hell, sporting slacks for Cotton Traders would probably have put ticks in a few boxes.

But I'm past that now - these days I'd be lucky to get my oesophagus on a box of Rennie, crotch on a pack of Tena Men or foot on a Daktarin carton. Get me on a bad day and I'd be perfect for sticking on boxes of cigarettes, though!

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DEAN fan
7/2/2018 04:18:21 pm

Quality DEAN post!

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David W
7/2/2018 10:03:18 am

Actually, I rather like one of those. Mole-beaver seems convincingly terrified by the lurking hammer maniac.

It's far better than Walk It Out!, which also sounds like an exercise to relieve constipation.

Reply
MENTALIST
7/2/2018 10:15:00 am

Five days late, but it's Groundhog Day on Digitiser 2000!

How much timber do you think it could heft into the air?

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MENTALIST
7/2/2018 10:08:21 am

Wait a minute...

That Lighthouse: The Dark Being cover is a bit eerily evocative of Bioshock Infinite.

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Brad LeBeouf
7/2/2018 05:03:37 pm

My thoughts exactly. There is always a lighthouse; there is always a big eff-off steampunk mechavulture, there is always a distressed baby.

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Da5e
7/2/2018 10:13:06 am

Graffiti Man - Jesus & Mary Chain Bloke, more like.

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Nick
7/2/2018 10:14:47 am

I was thinking Richie Edwards.

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Lummox60N
18/2/2018 07:00:14 pm

Andrew Eldritch from Sisters Of Mercy?

Chomboss Wankuss
7/2/2018 02:58:23 pm

Does anyone have a copy of that “OMG” DS game? I really want to play “Dangerous Jewel”

Reply
Neptunium
7/2/2018 03:50:45 pm

Surely there has to be some love (hate?) for the Super Bust-a-Move PS2 "art"? It's so dreadful it makes me want to go and punch a steel beam: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Acclaim-Super-Bust-A-Move/dp/B0000544A4

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Mrtankthreat
7/2/2018 04:35:01 pm

Would Phalanx on SNES have fit on this list or was it too good? I love that old dude with the banjo and you have to admit it was a great marketing ploy. People are still talking about it to this day.

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Robobob
7/2/2018 07:53:52 pm

The Mole Hunter's legs appears to be dissolving. That's not going to help him hunt dem moles.

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Wet Ham
7/2/2018 08:53:29 pm

Pinocchio and Jiminy Cricket's hands are really creeping me out.

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Darren link
7/2/2018 08:58:50 pm

Dot Gobbler? Your mum... #80skidsjoke

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Leigh
9/2/2018 09:25:47 pm

CONCEPT TRIDIMENSIONNEL REVOLUTIONNAIRE!

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Stacey
11/2/2018 08:32:05 pm

How could anybody remember the true abomination that was the US Gold UK Box art for Strider when compared with the source Japanese art?

http://www.mobygames.com/images/covers/l/68615-strider-atari-st-front-cover.jpg

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Ross link
5/6/2018 04:09:52 am

I just watched a video of Dot Gobbler. The flickering graphics, sound effects and music gave me a headache.

Reply



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