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SIGNING OFF - by MR BIFFO

21/12/2016

41 Comments

 
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What's the definition of comedy? It's this: a super-secret spy guy is trying to break stealthily into a high security installation. He outlines the plan to his comrades in big, dramatic detail, assures them that nothing can possibly go wrong, and then sets off... immediately stepping on a rake, and knocking himself out.

TWIST: This super-secret spy guy... is me!!!!!!

My plan had been to ease my way out of 2016, keep my head down, and try to avoid any major disasters in the final couple of weeks of this horrible year. Unfortunately, I spent all of Monday night in excruciating pain, intermittently vomiting, while reading the news about the assassination of the Russian ambassador to Turkey, and the Berlin Christmas Market tragedy, and wondering if this was the End of Times.

The tummy pain and puking was my own fault: I had an endoscopy last week, during which I learned that I have mild erosive gastritis. It's not the worst thing I could have admittedly - though hilariously, my GP had sent my appointment through emblazoned with the words "SUSPECTED CANCER".

Nonetheless, I'm on medication for it, and in order to let my stomach heal and not aggravate the condition, I'm not meant to be eating much more than gruel over Christmas. No really: actual gruel is one of the few things that's okay to eat. Think of me when you're stuffing your fat face with Quality Street.

Of course, I can rarely avoid a rake, so on Monday night I decided to make myself a massive plate of spicy buffalo wings, which I washed down with a big bowl of Cheetos. Hence: pain-oh-vom-oh.

Two further things you should know: 1) An endoscopy is litertally worst thing ever; 2) Except for gastritis, which is slightly worse. 
STRESS BALLS
Now get this: as there's no sign of bacteria in my stomach, the gastritis has most likely been brought on by stress. 

"What stress?" you ask. "Mr Biffo has a stress-free and gilded existence, and is loved, and supported by billions..."

Well. Yeah. That's what I told myself. Great life and all that, but my stomach doesn't lie. Thus: this is an opportune moment to look back on the past year, and explore what type of stress might've led to me having a camera shoved down my gullet... so that I don't have to go through the same thing this time next year. It's self-indulgent, to be sure, but when has that ever stopped me?

"Try not to retch, Mr Rose."

"Try not shoving a big hose down my throat."

But wait... the rake-stepping doesn't stop there! I thought I should try to take Tuesday off, and attempted some of this relaxation that I'd been told so much about. However, I was so sleep-addled that while trying to set up my Xbox One to play Dead Rising 4, I knocked a glass of water over my laptop, killing it immediately. 

And most likely losing a load of work in the process, because I forgot to back it up, despite buying a external hard drive a few weeks ago with the express intention of doing so.


My recovery is going great so far! So, so well. Just awesome.
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PFFFFT!
I began 2016 feeling a bit weird about my day job. Despite everything going well on paper - literally; I'm a writer, you see - I wasn't feeling particularly creatively fulfilled, despite having had Digitiser2000 to scratch that itch.

I've loved writing 4 O'Clock Club for CBBC over the last six years or so, but have struggled to ever feel a sense of ownership over it. There are lots of people involved at a creative level, and I'm sort of lost in the mix a bit - proud of my part in it as I am. 

Nevertheless, it was a fairly decent year for me in terms of kids TV work. 4 O'Clock Club was recommissioned - and I'm already working on another series of it for next year. Very few kids TV shows make it to seven series, so we must be doing something right. 

I had a few other jobs rumbling alongside it. A couple of eps of a CBBC show called Millie Inbetween, and some development stuff, setting up potential future projects here and there. Some of which I'm still working on now. Ultimately, I've nothing really to grumble about there. 

It has been years since I really allowed work to dominate my life; I have a strict rule of not working weekends - I no longer respond to weekend work emails - and I don't work evenings, unless it's an absolute emergency. Which it rarely is, because life is life, and work is work.

STILL?
Still, it was early summer that I started to feel as if I was being stretched somewhat thinly.

My mum was taken into hospital for a pretty major operation. Going under the knife at any age is a risk, but particularly so when you're 80 years old. She recovered, but it was nevertheless a worry, followed by a couple of months spent going to see her in hospital every other day or so. Evening and weekend downtime evaporated, as spare hours were spent keeping her company.

And then, a week or so after she left hospital... a random lunatic punched me in the face, and I ended up in hospital myself. I was blind in one eye for several weeks, followed by several more weeks absolutely off my nut on steroids.

And not the fun sort of being off my nut... but the sort where I was asleep most of the time. I barely remember August.

BLOCK HEAD
As soon as that was over, I had the Block Party to organise. In the run-up I was so anxious that nobody would show up, or that it was all be a disaster, that I was having proper anxiety dreams for the first time in my life. Then I started waking up in the night with stomach pains and vomiting. I thought it was probably the stress - I just didn't realise that the stress had started to melt through my guts.

I don't think I'd have let it all get to me so much, had I not already been somewhat worn down. I don't know if you're the same, but I certainly have finite resources in certain areas, and when they're depleted it takes a while for them to regain strength. 
 
Anyhow, off the back of Block Party/Digifest, I launched the Kickstarter for Found Footage (and as part of that, I drew 300-odd unique teletext artworks for backers). And alongside all this, I had a daughter to send off to uni, and another five assorted children or step-children to be there for, and a mother, and work. And decided to release a Christmas single. 

Normally for the last three months of a year my work goes quiet, and I go into a sort of panic about not being able to pay my bills. This year that quiet time would've come in handy, but it wasn't to be: I've had more work on over the last few months than I've ever had in the last quarter of a year ever. Oh, and I also started writing a column in Retro Gamer.

Also, there's a ton of stuff behind-the-scenes, when it comes to Digitiser2000, which I hadn't banked on when I started. Being Mr Biffo once again brings with it a lot of extra answering emails, or messages on Twitter or Facebook - and it can be hard to keep up with it all. I mean... I get a lot of messages. Which I love and appreciate... but either I spend my whole time answering them, or put them off for later, and have them gnawing away at me. 

Looking back at it all, it's little wonder that I've started eating my own stomach. Even my other half - who handles all the Digitiser2000 shop stuff, and helped organise Digifest - has been suffering jaw pain from clenching it.
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HELP
I don't say any of this in the spirit of boasting, or trying to elicit sympathy.

I mean, it's ridiculous to make yourself ill through overwork (though, as described above, not all of the stress has been work-related). Not least when I thought my workaholic days were behind me.

I think the situation I'm in is that I've found something I love - Digitiser2000, Found Footage, Digifest, Mr Biffo-related stuff - which fulfills that creative need in me, but it isn't happening at a level where it can keep a roof over my head. This year I tried to have my cake and eat it... and ended up on a gruel-only diet.

Certainly, the hugely successful Found Footage campaign, and the ongoing income from Patreon and Paypal, helps (and if you would like to contribute - the links are in the sidebar, or below this article, depending on what platform you're using to read it) - and for which I remain deeply grateful to everyone who contributes.

​Nevertheless, the nature of what I do is niche, and will probably never make me rich, so the day job is the one which keeps everyone fed, and means we can afford Christmas, and have the occasional holiday, maybe.

And juggling the two things would be fine, if other stuff hadn't happened this year which stopped me ever quite getting the downtime I need. I mean, I managed to go away back at Easter, but didn't get a chance to go have a break in the summer. I just ploughed on through.

​Which was a bit stupid, with hindsight. 

SPENT
So... in short, I've had a fantastic 2016 on so many levels. Digifest and the Found Footage Kickstarter are the undoubted highlights.

Still, this is my end-of-year attempt to justify taking off a couple of weeks from Digitiser2000 to try and recharge and heal my gradually dissolving body. Not least because when I come back in January I'll be going head-first into Found Footage. Once I've tried to recover all the important Found Footage footage that is now trapped on my busted MacBook. SSSSSTRESSSSSS.

I was hoping to get a Digi2000 Panto-Oh up this year - not least because I enjoy writing them - and wanted to record a commentary for the Found Footage Christmas Special - but I think the sensible thing to do is to take some time off. I'll get you the commentary in January. Hopefully you'll all understand.

I'll keep the Advent calendar going until the big day, and I'm sure you'll see me on Twitter, but for now this is me signing off until the New Year. 

So, thank you for all your support in 2016 - financial, and otherwise. So many of you have said such lovely things, and it is all appreciated. I'm a very, very, lucky man.

​Have the best Christmas you can, have a brilliant New Year, and let's hope 2017 is a damn sight better than this year has been. 

Oh! And buy Sexy Christmas USA if you haven't already. All profits go to Cancer Research UK. 

iTunes: https://itun.es/gb/piBUgb 
Amazon: http://amzn.eu/69k2trG 
41 Comments
Damien link
21/12/2016 05:39:07 pm

Have a great Christmas and New Year break. Hope you start to feel better soon!

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Mr Biffo
21/12/2016 05:40:11 pm

Cheers Damien. Have a good one yourself.

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dan de la peche
21/12/2016 05:42:11 pm

Sounds fucking horrible. Hope you have as nice a possible Christmas as you can though, Biffo. All the best to you and yours.

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Ninj
21/12/2016 05:43:33 pm

Sounds like a good idea mistah biffs. Hope you get the opportunity to relax a lil bit.

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Mr Howard
21/12/2016 05:50:36 pm

Gah! This type of shoddy service is not what I pay my 3 quid a month for!

In all seriousness though, thanks for giving me something to read and chuckle to everyday while I do a poo at work. And thanks for helping to warp my sense of humour when I was in my teens.

Take it easy, enjoy Xmas as much as possible while your guts are eating away at you and come back stronger.

Please come back.

Xxxxx

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David W
21/12/2016 05:57:16 pm

Regarding the laptop, have you tried extracting the hard drive and putting it inside a cheap USB caddy? Hard drives are quite well sealed to prevent dust entering, so it may still be readable even if the other parts were fatally soaked.

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Mr Biffo
21/12/2016 06:34:00 pm

Alas, it's the wrong sort of MacBook to be able to do that. But... I still have options.

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Spiney O'Sullivan
21/12/2016 05:58:05 pm

On the whole I'd rather your internal organs not devour themselves, so I think a lack of articles for a couple of weeks is quite justifiable. Have a good holiday, Biffo.

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Dr Kank
21/12/2016 06:00:19 pm

Have you considered the possibility that the erosive gastritis was caused by virtual reality, rather than stress?

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Klone
21/12/2016 06:22:03 pm

Thanks for all the hard work over the this bastard of an annus (steady). Eat, drink, be merry and bright, and we'll see you next year when you will hopefully have stopped digesting yourself.
Have a great Crimbobaloolam!

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Matthew Long
21/12/2016 06:23:27 pm

Take care of yourself and have a lovely Christmas with your family. Thanks so much for all the great stuff you've done for us on Digitiser 2000 this year.

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Mr Biffo
21/12/2016 06:34:43 pm

Cheers, y'all, for these lovely messages of support. I'll be back!

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Gaming Mill link
21/12/2016 06:54:06 pm

Hope you recover quickly Mr Biffo and have an excellent end / start to the new year. I've got the pain of having to move house literally next week and all my friends and family have gone away this year so moving house on my own is going to be fun!

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Kelvin Green link
21/12/2016 06:57:38 pm

So... 7/10 then?

Merry Chrimble, Biffster. Get some rest and we'll see you in 2017. Or will we? OR WILL WE?

(Yes.)

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Chomboss Wankuss
21/12/2016 07:07:13 pm

I am a doctor (and no this isn't the start of a Man's Daddy joke I am actually a doctor) - it may well be that the steroids you were on for your eye injury contributed majorly to your ulcer - in fact steroids are the root cause either way - exogenous from the meds you were given or endogenous from the stress. Were yoi given gastroprotective agents to take whilst you were on the 'roids? Anyway this doctor thanks you for helping keep him sane this 2016 and get some stress-free rest and stay off the greasy food for a couple of weeks.

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Brown eye
21/12/2016 09:46:13 pm

Doctor eh? Well I'm no expert but at a guess I'd say Biffo's unlikely to have been given systemic steroids for ocular trauma unless traumatic optic neuropathy was suspected (in which case evidence for their efficacy is poor and recovery would be unlikely). More likely to have been given topical steroids (prednisone acetate 1%) for a hyphaema- in which case risk of gastritis is essentially nil, although absorbtion via the mucous membranes of the nasolacrimal system is possible along with some limited systemic side effects (only usually a problem with B-blockers in the elderly). As a lay person i'd probably put my money on Helicobacter as the cause of his gastritis and would guess Biffo is on triple therapy including a proton pump inhibitor such as omeprazole and an antibiotic such as clarithromycin. I'm just guessing mind.

I wonder if i spent less of my youth reading digitiser and gaming I could have done something more useful with my life. Instead of working as an egg polisher at the chicken shop.

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Mr Biffo
21/12/2016 11:00:07 pm

Well, that all went over my head. But no - nothing to counter anything gastric. They were just eyedrops though, if that makes things any clearer. Albeit a LOT of different eyedrops.

Starbuck
21/12/2016 11:04:29 pm

Once again, these two comments demonstrate why this is the best site on the information superhighway (worldwide web)

Hippo Oaf
22/12/2016 10:32:53 am

In defence of the good doc, I'd have assumed a non-topical steroid was being described here.

"followed by several more weeks absolutely off my nut on steroids."

I'm no medical pro either but if I can chip-in with some dangerous advice:
Try imbibing a cap of Dettol before bedtime.
Failing that why not lick a rusty tool, an old spanner perhaps, before every meal.

To clarify, I'm not a medic but I 'have feelings' some of which have been described by friends as 'delusional'.

Furthermore, I convert potatoes into chips with the use of dedicated machines.
No, really, they are quite dedicated.

Hope your old food/shit converter is right soon, Mr Biffo.
Merry Christmas everyone *<(:O{)}

OOOOOOHHHH - I once read something about digestive systems having an intelligence... more than a gut feeling.
Have you tried reasoning with it? Maybe an offering of it's fave foods...
A big pizza followed by half a (BIG) bar of warm Dairy Milk?

Threaten it by holding a lightbulb between clenched teeth...

In all seriousness?
A holiday in the sun. You deserve it, mate. Go to Florida and film Goujon John, play at the parks and swim like an alligator.
But do stay off the greasy foods... one might slip.

Panama Joe
21/12/2016 07:08:20 pm

Enjoy your time off and fret not about posting anything for a couple of weeks. I for one have a ton of articles that I missed and need to catch up on, particularly all that's been added over the past month. I look forward to a nice binge on Scripts Of My Years and everything from 2015. Wishing a Sexy Christmas to you and yours.

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Gosunkugi
21/12/2016 07:24:09 pm

I would say "keep up the good work" but it seems a bit damning in this case, so I'll simply offer my thanks for being a stellar chap for many hilarious years of Digitiser, my appreciation for absolutely everything you've done lately, your continued success in 2017, and the use of my cast iron stomach any time you need it (I will literally come to your house and eat your dinner for you, I don't mind a bit.)

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Mike
21/12/2016 07:36:24 pm

Have a great Christmas Mr Biffo, you've achieved a lot in a year, despite the personal stuff going on. I think this site and its chuckles helped a lot of people de-stress during the year, ironically!

How about readers write some reviews or features for you the site in 2017? You do a hell of a lot yourself. Hope you get chance to relax over Christmas :)

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Retro Resolution link
21/12/2016 08:04:10 pm

It's been a rough year for many, and I thoroughly admire your ability to keep ploughing on, and respect your sensible decision to literally give yourself a break.
Thank you for the laughs throughout 2016, a year which absolutely will not relent on the bad news on an international, and sadly also for me a personal, level.
Have a fantastic Christmas, and the successful 2017 you so richly deserve Mr. B.

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Wadaload
21/12/2016 08:40:35 pm

And I thought you only needed a cast-iron stomach to read this webpage! Doh-ho-ho.

Anyway, whatever has been going on behind the scenes, you've not failed to entertain.

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Paulvw
21/12/2016 09:03:32 pm

Have a great Christmas and a fantastic 2017, take it easy, unless you're on Top of the pops cavorting....

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Penyrolewen
21/12/2016 09:38:49 pm

Christmas off? CHRISTMAS OFF? It's no wonder you're apologising young man. Who deserves Christmas off? Jesus and only him, that's who. Back on that treadmill Cratchett!

Have a good one Biffo, see you in the New Year. Ahoy

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Euphemia
21/12/2016 10:32:15 pm

Feel better soon, and have a good Christmas break and all that shite.

And enjoy it, because we'll be working you harder next year, like a dancing bear in a gypsy circus.

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Mr Biffo
21/12/2016 11:00:51 pm

Again, thanks for all the lovely comments, everyone. I am truly blessed.

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Wafflerobot
22/12/2016 01:20:37 am

I love you man and Merry Christmas to you too.

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Stuart
22/12/2016 02:05:15 am

As someone who has IBS, I can empathize with having to lay off the fatty foods, especially at times (i.e. Christmas) when others around me are stuffing their faces. Sometimes I can get away with the occasional pizza, sometimes I can't. Everyone's different, I guess. You'll get to know your triggers if you don't already. For now, be boring and play it safe.

Thanks for the laughs throughout what has been a pretty grueling year. I laugh out loud at least once a day when reading Digi 2000 - laughter really is the best medicine. I've never backed anything on Kickstarter before Found Footage, so well done you on proposing something I actively need in my life. Have a great and relaxing Christmas!

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Random Reviewer
22/12/2016 04:12:49 am

Wishing you well Mr B. My Dad's Ill with what we suspect is the same thing - it's no fun at all. Hope you get plenty of rest in the coming days and that 2017 finds you fighting fit.

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RichardM
22/12/2016 07:09:23 am

Feel better, Mr B. Happy Christmas also. Same to all the Digi2000 commenters... well, not the feel better bit. Unless they need to feel better..? Whatevs.

See you all in SPACE YEAR 2017!

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Bruce Flagpole
22/12/2016 09:28:25 am

Thanks muchly Mr B.

Hope you get to take it easy and enjoy your Christmas.

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Raybies
22/12/2016 09:49:29 am

So the first issue of Retro Gamer I miss in ages has a Biffo column? You absolute psychic bastard.


You are psychic, right? Otherwise I would look quite the git right now.

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skateboard
22/12/2016 10:01:47 am

Get well soon Biffmonster! Enjoy your chrimbers

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eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! link
22/12/2016 11:10:15 am

Take all the time you need Mr B, we were really spoiled this year and you deserved a wee break anyway. I hope you still manage to have a great Christmas and New Year.

Merry Christmas to everyone.

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pete
22/12/2016 01:36:38 pm

Don't underestimate how long you will need to get better Mr Biff! Take it easy, chuck any old shite on here in the new year no one will notice the difference.:)

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Jabberwoc link
23/12/2016 04:18:00 pm

FANKS FOR DA LAFFS, BIFFO!

NOW GET SOME BLADDY REST!

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Egg Plant
25/12/2016 05:29:12 am

Aw, but gruel's the best. Especially Christmas gruel!
It's like how having a tooth out is an excuse to gargle hot saltwater (seriously, I'm not even making it up!) And catching a cold or even better the flu is a 24carat LICENCE to drink Lemsips! 8P C: :3 |{) :E *ssssluuurrrp*
Dude, go nuts - get and make yersel' some top tier sexy Chistmas gruel and always remebmer "A sick diet is a SICK DIET!"

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Cthulhu Steev
30/12/2016 08:25:36 pm

Aye, get yourself well, Biffo. It's good to have you back - then watch you go again temporarily. Then get you back again at 'full strength'.

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Mr Biffo
2/1/2017 10:24:10 am

Cheers, ya'll. Happy new year.

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