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SHOOTING SACRED COWS: 10 (9) OVERRATED CLASSIC GAMES

29/8/2017

53 Comments

 
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Destiny 2 is out next week. I've ordered it, despite really, really not liking the first one. Were it not a game I feel obliged to review on here I would never be going back for more.

Getting older means that I've become better at knowing what I do and don't like, and some of that can be applied retrospectively. There were games, way back, which I bought into because of the hype and peer pressure, and suffered through despite a little voice at the back of my mind telling me that I was eyes-to-eye with the Emperor's lilac bulb.

Enough is enough. It is time to even some scores and shoot some sacred cows in the face. Here are 10 (9) supposedly classic games which I can no longer pretend I like.
QUAKE
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As the successor to Doom, there was a lot of hype for Quake. Yes, I get that it took the genre to a new level, with its polygon enemies, and eight-player death matches, but it was so dour.

If you like dark browns and greens and an angry man hammering on a dumpster with a metal pipe you'd have been in your element, but for the rest of us Quake was like boarding a train where the only available seat was next to an overweight goth in headphones listening to the sound of people mourning  through a metal ventilation duct, as recorded on an old reel-to-reel tape player.

Other first-person shooters of that era were far more enjoyable - just look at the peerless Duke Nuke 3D - while the superior Hexen, Heretic and Outlaws are all mostly forgotten. Heck, I'd even rather play Redneck Rampage than suffer again through Quake's adolescent, try-hard, heavy metal album cover fantasies. 

I mean, just try and recall the enemies in Doom. Easy isn't it? Now try and do the same for Quake...

​I rest my case.
FINAL FANTASY VII
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Coming on an unnecessary three discs, Final Fantasy VII was an overstuffed, self-important, exercise in tedium. With all the storytelling sophistication of a daytime Turkish soap opera, it punctuated its interminable cutscenes with scarcely interactive turn-based battles which ground on and on and on like an EastEnders two-hander featuring Roly and Wellard.

What made it all the more irritating was how everyone insisted that it was finally the point at which video games grew up. Hello? You rode around on giant chickens, for pity's sake! 
RIDGE RACER
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Unbelievably, there remain apologists for Ridge Racer, who seem unable to accept that a driving game with one track is nothing more than a demo - regardless of how pretty or playable it is. 

It's fine for the occasional go in an arcade, where you might get to sit in an actual red sports car for a quid, but this was a full priced game!

Once you'd been around the track backwards and forwards a couple of times all that was left to do was play Galaxian on the loading screen. Which, for the record, offered far more gameplay than the travesty it had been grafted to. 
WIPEOUT
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A far-too-pleased-with-itself exercise in style over substance, Wipeout seemed more focused on its licensed dance music soundtrack than trying to offer an experience that was enjoyable to play. Yeah, it looked pretty, but the vehicles handled about as well as a greasy onion on a horizontal wipe board.

Also, lest we forget that the game is actually called WipE'out, which makes not a lick of sense, and simply highlights the "We're cool we are" desperation of its creators. Who, being game designers, were a bunch of nerds, and probably broke out in hives at the very suggestion of visiting a nightclub or talking to a member of the opposite sex.
DARK SOULS
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The gaming equivalent of hitting yourself repeatedly in the face with a Slayer album while somebody clones your debit card.
HALO: COMBAT EVOLVED
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The combat in Halo has all the heft and weight of throwing a handkerchief at a cloud, while the enemy design is truly risible. Imagine if the antagonists in Aliens were the Munchkins from Wizard of Oz. Now picture a video game like that. Except where they kept showing the exact same action sequences over and over again to pad out the running time.

What's worse, the Halo series has become increasingly naval-gazing when it comes to its own tedious mythology, all of which revolves around a character who has all the charisma and depth of a fart cloud trapped in a bread bin.
STREET FIGHTER II
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Yeah, I know. You're not going to like this one, but how did anybody ever master any of the special moves? Really?! Why would you bother spending the time required to do that?

25 years on and I can still only shoot fireballs and occasionally do a Spinning Bird Kick. Which is a complete nonsense when you realise that none of these moves give you any sort of advantage over a five year-old who is merely mashing the buttons with their pudgy, Wotsit-stained, fingers.
METAL GEAR SOLID
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A ridiculous storyline, stupid characters, and gameplay which is 50% trying not to be seen, and 50% being annoyed that you've just been seen.
RESIDENT EVIL
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A shameless rip-off of Alone In The Dark - a fact which I'm never going to let go, not least because the Western translation of Resident Evil has the single worst script of any video game ever. Yes, it has become somewhat legendary - "The master of unlocking" and all that - but should we have been so quick to forget, simply because... I dunno?

Also, while we're at it, let's not forgive the loading times between rooms, the absurd inventory boxes, the pointless health system, the spread-out saves requiring you to find typewriter ink, and - worst of all - the godawful controls. If somebody moved like that in real life it'd because they'd just done a runny in their pants and were trying not to have it dribble down the backs of their legs.

Though now that I think about it, maybe that's exactly what they were going for it. It was a horror game after all. A "survival horror" game no less. What does that even mean? Is there anybody who doesn't want to survive an horrific experience?!?
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53 Comments
RichardM
29/8/2017 10:48:57 am

Hahaha, some of those are bound to raise some ire. I can't agree about FF7 - because I like the story and the magic system - but you're spot on re: SF2 and Resident Evil.
Quake 2 occupies a happier place in my head than Quake. Are there many other games where the sequel is better than the first?

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The School Boy
29/8/2017 11:46:00 am

For some unfathomable reason, the first one that comes to mind is Red Steel 2

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King of Duckhenrys
29/8/2017 06:03:43 pm

Are you sure about that? Because despite being a horrible, buggy, unfinished mess, the first game actually had variety and some semblance of gameplay.

Col. Asdasd
29/8/2017 12:50:32 pm

Well there's Baldur's Gate if you're into Kobold bothering.

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Spiney O'Sullivan
29/8/2017 01:20:45 pm

Super Mario Bros.

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PeskyFletch
29/8/2017 01:56:59 pm

red Dead, the GTA series, Mass effect etc etc. It is more true of the film industry than the game.

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Darren link
29/8/2017 10:51:30 am

Seems that this was just a clickbait puff-piece to promote something called "Sound Porridge" or sum fink...

FAKE NEWS! SAD!

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Gosunkugi
29/8/2017 10:57:59 am

I'd argue that the point video games began to grow up was 1982s Tasword for the ZX Spectrum. So difficult to play and understand that I couldn't even get passed the first level.

But anywho'sroad, I agree with Dark Souls, and Halo, which I found excruciating.

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Neptunium
29/8/2017 11:00:30 am

Look, Biffo, you've gone too far. While I think you have valid points with some of them (FF7 & Resi, I would disagree, but I /get/ why you'd dislike them) - but Ridge Racer was just too much, man.

The original Ridge Racer isn't an amazing game by modern standards by having only a single track, I concede, but at the time it was absolutely amazing to have a near arcade quality racer on your telly. The drift mechanics made it's own genre of fun racing game - the remaining RR games, Outrun 2 & Mario Kart all rely on the ability to do insane drifts that have lineage back to Ridge, a polar opposite to the yawn fests of "serious" racers like Granny Tourismo and Forzzza snoozefest-o-humongous which make driving virtual racing cars feel like a chore.

I dream of the day Ridge returns from it's mighty slumber. I'm dreaming of an arcade racer with insane drifts, cheesy banging techno music reminiscent of any seaside arcade/funfair and one that's actually fun to play. If I were president of Namco, and I'm sure their shareholders are weeping with joy that I'm not, I'd divert all resource into HD remasters of Rage Racer, Rave Racer and Ridge Racer Type 4, and I'd also make a new version (cut off playstation ports, glue on USB one) of the neGcon - the finest racing controller ever inventorized.

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JDog
29/8/2017 12:31:25 pm

Kinda agree.

But sliding sideways in Mario Kart does pre-date RR.

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Neptunium
29/8/2017 12:43:34 pm

I just knew someone would pick me up on that! I just needed to vent, though, there just aren't any decent arcade racers nowadays, and "90's arcade racer/super GP" has seemingly disappeared down a black hole. Now they're all boring "do you want to upgrade your flywheel for 500,000,000 GP", "congratulations you've managed to do a 1 mile drag race in 6m53s133ms in an absurdly slow Hyundai i10 and unlock a bronze medal - repeat it 400 more times to unlock the gold medal" snoozefests.

DEAN
29/8/2017 07:19:39 pm

But RR made it fun.

Drifting in Mario Kart or Outrun for that matter is nowhere near as delightfully joyous as it is in Ridge. Sega Rally is cool but the fine people at Namco really developed that feeling into something sublime.

Speaking of Namco - why don't Nintendo release their arcade versions of Mario Kart. They're great!

Also - a new Point Blank game on the Switch would be very cool :O)

JDog
30/8/2017 11:25:11 am

Ridge Racer was a glorious experience. Revolution too, despite the tweak to the drift system
And I probably spent so long unlocking both the black cars and the white 'un that I almost sucked the fun out of it. Gave it replay value though despite the 'one track.'
Long gave up on GT6 despite all the supposed scope.

Antony Adler
29/8/2017 11:08:00 am

I agree with some of these and disagree with others.

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Col. Asdasd
29/8/2017 11:30:20 am

Reading the list it seems like it's comprised of 50% earnest opinion and 50% spurious excess. Which is about what I'd expect from this site, only the articles are usually one rather than both mixed in together.

The article definitely delivers on what it promised, though. Wipeout aside, there isn't a game here that isn't some substantial group of people's Best Ever Game.

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Alastair
29/8/2017 11:49:13 am

A sign of a good list, no matter how many I don't agree with, there are others I can't disagree with.

Wipeout for one. Nice graphics on the box and articles about the game, but strange and floaty to play.

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Chris
29/8/2017 12:26:41 pm

Why's everybody going on about Wipeout being too floaty? They're ANTI-GRAVITY RACERS. OF COURSE they're floaty and slidy and non-stick. THAT'S THE POINT.

Whether that makes it a good game or not is another matter (I've not played the original, but really enjoyed 2097 once I'd mastered the controls), but it seems harsh to complain about an anti-gravity racing game including racers that slide about frictionlessly as if they are unencoumbered by gravity.

colincidence link
29/8/2017 11:10:23 am

That SF2 screenshot really shows how out-of-proportion the characters were. Blanka standing straight would be some kind of monster-man

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Optimaximal
29/8/2017 11:31:53 am

He is.

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colincidence link
29/8/2017 11:41:22 am

:O

Ewan Kerr
29/8/2017 01:32:15 pm

Blanka is officially 6'5", and Ken 5'10". If they were both standing straight, back to back, it is about right proportionally. You have to factor in the fact that Blanka wears his hair in a slightly bouffant style, which suits him, I have to say.

David Wellington
2/9/2017 10:15:19 pm

Good job Blanka is crouching or we might mistake him for some kind of monster man.

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Wadaload
29/8/2017 11:22:06 am

I dunno, I quite enjoyed Metal Gear solid and Resident Evil; Alone in the Dark did have actual puzzles, but the combat was an endless, horrifying triangular polygon nightmare). I must admit I was a teenager at the time though.

I F.E.A.R. Halo sounds alot like another highly praised (at least at the time) game in that description....

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colincidence link
29/8/2017 11:42:20 am

I agree entirely on [___], [___] and [___] but you're completely wrong on [___], [___] and [___]

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Wadaload
29/8/2017 12:06:22 pm

What the... Did I fall for the 'having an opinion about an opinion column' practical joke?

Anyway, looking forward to next week's article:

"Why Quake (and 10 (8) other games) is a masterpiece and everyone who says otherwise is wrong!"

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Paul Jon thrillin'
29/8/2017 01:17:07 pm

I love some of these games and do not care for some others and as such I will now have a cry, but then a smile.

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Jim Leighton (Future World Darts Champion) x
29/8/2017 02:16:18 pm

Why the FF7 hate???

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Neptunium
29/8/2017 02:28:48 pm

Playing Devil's advocate here....

- Relentless repetitive grinding through battles
- Style over substance, sometimes gameplay hindering, pre-rendered backgrounds
- Far too FMV heavy (most of which feels pointless here in the future)
- Marmite storyline, with every character having an X-Factor stylee pointless heart-wrenching backstory

I loved FF7 back in the day, were I to play through it today I don't think I'd get off Disc 1 without going mad.

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Jim Leighton (Future World Darts Champion) x
29/8/2017 02:43:38 pm

That's all well and good..... but...... but ........ Final Fantasy VII

Hamptonoid
29/8/2017 08:11:04 pm

Totally agree - and I never understood the FF7 reboot on the ps4. What was the point in that? I remember giving FF9 another go a while back, it just didon't hold up to how I remembered it.

MENTALIST
29/8/2017 02:32:58 pm

Because of how shit it was.

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RG
29/8/2017 02:35:59 pm

Agree
Agree
Agree
Agree
Agree
Agree
SF2: I think I always tried to like it because everybody else seemed to, but now youi mention it - yep, I agree.
Agree
Agree
Am I you?

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Mrtankthreat
29/8/2017 02:41:01 pm

Ah yes, I remember the last time that 5 year old button masher won the Street Fighter tournament. Oh wait, no. That didn't happen.

Clearly Biffo doesn't like games that require skill. Personally I'd rather spend the time to learn the special moves for Street Fighter (which isn't really as hard as he tries to make out) than traipse around the world of The Last of Us, finding planks and wheelie bins to climb up to the next linear pathway.

By the end of the game I realised it was barely any more interactive than Heavy Rain. I tried to replay Uncharted 2 recently too, a game I absolutely loved at the time, and was thoroughly bored. Why don't these people just make movies.

Oh, and Dark Souls doesn't belong on this list because you never pretended to like it in the first place.

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PeskyFletch
30/8/2017 12:23:53 pm

Yeah the special moves are hard comment raised my eyebrow. I mean, i'm generally a bit turd at games but even i could do 'em.

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TTToilet
29/8/2017 03:14:25 pm

The thing about the people who took the time to learn the special moves in street fighter (and also just jow to play generally it seems) is that we were all kids with school holidays and no real responsibilities. Since becoming part of the "adult world" my patience with new fighting games is about 3 or 4 mibs.
I'd still rank SF2 Turbo in my top 5ish games of all time. Funnily enough Dark Souls in by far and away my number 1 game ever and it perplexes me why people wouldn't like it.
Also button mashing in SF only works against people who are rubbish.

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PS1Snake
29/8/2017 05:29:19 pm

I'm sure a lot of people here were moved to tears when FF7's Aeries was violently penetrated by Sephiroth's long sword.

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Starbuck
29/8/2017 11:11:00 pm

Spoiler warning please - still not finished it. Not got passed Disc 1 as yet. Can't find my memory card - not seen it for years. Or my PlayStation.

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PS1Snake
30/8/2017 01:54:45 am

Spoiler warning for a game from '97? Everyone apart from new-born babies knows about the fate of Aeris. It was gaming's "Princess Diana death" moment. The tragic turn of events was too much to bear for many; some actually believed she could be revived!

DEAN
29/8/2017 07:00:04 pm

You been running your mouth talking shit about the double R again, Mr B?

Think of that first game like an arcade experience - you try and do a little better than you did the last time and you move on. It just 'feel's really fun to play; addictive like trying to guide a hoop around a metal ring or throwing rocks at a junta.

One track's not bad. I never heard anyone complain they only big red button to press, one knob to fiddle with or one life to spend being upset about shit like this.

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PeskyFletch
30/8/2017 12:25:37 pm

For a second there i thought i'd missed a Twin Peaks reference

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bit.bat
29/8/2017 07:31:47 pm

Angry man hammering on a dumpster is a weirdly good descriptor for Quake. Still loved it though, walking around a corpse and seeing it from all the angles just blew my mind at the time!

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Scott C
29/8/2017 11:01:54 pm

Great list and descriptions. "how did anybody ever master any of the special moves?" Well, they were all listed in the manual, remember those? I'd replace SF2 with Mortal Kombat; now that had ridiculous special moves and a krap name!

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Spiney O'Sullivan
29/8/2017 11:30:59 pm

Learning a Street Fighter character's moves is pretty much a 30-minute job unless you have smashed hotdogs for fingers. Learning to string them together effectively, and to actually pull them off while someone who knows what they're doing is laying into you, that's the tough part...

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CdrJameson
30/8/2017 12:58:15 pm

Ah, but WiPeOUt was an updating of Powerdrome, so 'being overrated and unplayable' was an essential feature.

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Ste Pickford
31/8/2017 11:38:15 am

DARK SOULS!

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applelemon
1/9/2017 10:22:38 pm

Ugh you're really scraping the bottom of the barrel. Can't you take more time on articles, and give us funnier stuff instead of rushing out things like this garbage? Most of your "points" make no sense at all, and you know it. #notmydigi

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Michael E
2/9/2017 12:11:44 pm

For this list you have mainly gone for the big crowd pleasers but what about the elitest sacred cows like Rez, Ico, Skies of Arcadia, anything by Treasure?

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Hamptonoid
2/9/2017 04:33:36 pm

You're so right about Ico. I'm having a similar sense of disappointment with the modern classic The Last Guardian. Beautiful to look at but plays like a drunken hobo on an ice rink.

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paulvw
2/9/2017 03:31:05 pm

triggered x 10(9)

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David Wellington
2/9/2017 10:16:17 pm

Dark Souls? Lol.

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FatDave
4/9/2017 08:39:02 pm

I loved destiny, but I didn't get it untill the taken king expansion came out, which meant I got a load of content plus TTK was about a million times better than the original rushed low on content, low on story mess with the shitty servers that would have disappointed me had i bought it at launch.

How do you review something so subject to change?

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Tom Stevenson
6/9/2017 05:09:04 pm

Very funny take-down of Quake but disagree. Still the Daddy of that era and the only one I would (and do) revisit. Largely agree with the rest. Just bored with SF now - hammered into the ground. Absolutely with you on Wipeout. Utter cack.

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Rod
18/9/2017 10:52:34 am

I had a letter published on Digi way back in 1995 saying how RR was a load of pap. 22 years later - VINDICATED.

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