"Hello, mandem. I'm Sherlock Holmes, and once again I find myself suffering from the most obstinate constipation. My stools are so compacted right now that you'd think I'd eaten a bag of cement, if cement had even been invented in Sherlock Holmes times.
"Honestly, these days I spend as much time straining to put fruit in the bowl as I do attempting to solve crimes. I swear to The Lord Almighty... it's somewhat appropriate that I live in Baker Street, as my deep brown mass seems to be baked into a solid clot up there! I now fear that if I do succeed somehow in extruding a loaf it'll be so dense that it risks dropping into the pan with all the force of a lumber delivery.
"Much more of this and I'll be taking one of Mrs Hudson's crochet needles to it. Little wonder I'm know throughout Olde London Town as 'No-Shit Sherlock'! I've not so much as in possession of a colon as a col-off! Rectum? Mine's more a rect-ummm, as it rather appears to be considerably more ponderous than the average hole.
"And aaaaaaanyway....
"Recently, my associate, Doctor WhatsonTV, and I were employed to solve a series of quandaries so profound that even we were left scratching one another's head. Consequently, I've been speculating whether you might be able to help us.
"Please study these images of Commodore 64 owners for clues, then press reveal to see if you correctly guessed their cause of death - all of which were once recorded on actual Victorian-era death certificates! Come along, WhatsonTV - the game is afootball!"
"Honestly, these days I spend as much time straining to put fruit in the bowl as I do attempting to solve crimes. I swear to The Lord Almighty... it's somewhat appropriate that I live in Baker Street, as my deep brown mass seems to be baked into a solid clot up there! I now fear that if I do succeed somehow in extruding a loaf it'll be so dense that it risks dropping into the pan with all the force of a lumber delivery.
"Much more of this and I'll be taking one of Mrs Hudson's crochet needles to it. Little wonder I'm know throughout Olde London Town as 'No-Shit Sherlock'! I've not so much as in possession of a colon as a col-off! Rectum? Mine's more a rect-ummm, as it rather appears to be considerably more ponderous than the average hole.
"And aaaaaaanyway....
"Recently, my associate, Doctor WhatsonTV, and I were employed to solve a series of quandaries so profound that even we were left scratching one another's head. Consequently, I've been speculating whether you might be able to help us.
"Please study these images of Commodore 64 owners for clues, then press reveal to see if you correctly guessed their cause of death - all of which were once recorded on actual Victorian-era death certificates! Come along, WhatsonTV - the game is afootball!"
CASE #1
"This sour-faced runt doesn't look very happy to be inputting his father's accounts. Not even the soothing presence of a fish bowl seems to be dispersing his heavy mood. Perhaps he could take a brief constitutional, and ring out a quick peal of parps on that nearby electrical sound-organ? Home computers aren't just for video games, boy. They are also for accessing your father's offshore finances. Be relieved that you aren't in the workhouse! Yet..."
REVEAL:
CAUSE OF DEATH: INDISCREET USE OF LAUDANUM
CASE #2
"A bareboy sits in his father's study, his hands a blur as they dance across the keys of the Commodore 64 in a whirling waltz of productivity, frantically paddling through a stream of his father's financial data like a seal batting mindlessly at a barrel of chum. The shelves are bare but for assorted detritus, a scruffy assemblage of discarded hospital sharps and pamphlets advertising a grotesquery. Please, bareboy, how didst thou meet thy end?"
REVEAL:
CAUSE OF DEATH: SELF-STABBING WITH UMBRELLA.
CASE #3
"This emaciated, barefoot, whiskerypapa slouches in his wicker chair, malnourished, but with the entirety of his senses converged upon the task at hand; Bitcoin mining. He sits before an un-draped window, exposing himself to outside world, his hands listlessly dragging across rival keyboards. In the closed-off engine of his deeper ego, he wishes for nothing more than to be seen and admired. His intellectual functioning is waist-deep in a puddle of wickedness and depravity, as he seems to shout: 'Bitcoin! Bitcoin! Bitcoin!'"
REVEAL:
CAUSE OF DEATH: FRIGHTENED TO DEATH BY RIOTOUS MOB.
CASE #4
"Why, the boy is an egregious fraud! His grand upholstery does little to distract from his lack of electrical viewing device. That's no way to prepare your father's financial statements! What could he possibly be tapping into that computer? '10 PRINT "I AM A PERJURER", 20 GOTO 10', mayhap?
"And what of the grim scene suspended above his head? A wintry tableaux serving, perchance, as a portent of the chill wind which soon shall bluster through his own mortal form? Also, he looks rather like a wonky caricature of the 1980s pop singer Paul Young. I wouldn't know who that is, as it's a century or so after my time!"
"And what of the grim scene suspended above his head? A wintry tableaux serving, perchance, as a portent of the chill wind which soon shall bluster through his own mortal form? Also, he looks rather like a wonky caricature of the 1980s pop singer Paul Young. I wouldn't know who that is, as it's a century or so after my time!"
REVEAL:
CAUSE OF DEATH: EATING BAD BEEF AND DUBIOUS DUMPLINGS.
CASE #5
"This inflated jollocks sits in the kitchen, poised for the delivery of his next meal of crimped fish and dripping. His gaze is affixed to a chorus line of whirling digital dervishes; a scrolling list of his father's expenses. Behind him, 'pon the countertop, is a device for the pulverising of food. Its name? A 'blender'. Answer me this, jollocks: precisely what aberrant fusion of macerated vims shall you be producing with that?"
REVEAL:
CAUSE OF DEATH: MAULED BY A PIG.
CASE #6
"What lurks behind the blankets? What precisely are you intending to conceal? No chances are being taken; the simpering stripling has his eyes solidly fastened, lest he bumble over a glance at the unnatural burlesque spectacle which, one must presume, is occurring behind the cotton membrane. You may be naught but a sightless poltroon, child, but father will soon be peeling open those fleshy lids, so that you may resume the selling and buying of shares in Big Pharma."
REVEAL:
CAUSE OF DEATH: EXTREME FILTHINESS.
CASE #7
"The pointing at father's electronic portfolio says much. The ironing board says it all. I believe I may have this one all figured out, WhatsonTV - but let us turn this case over to the amateurs."
REVEAL:
CAUSE OF DEATH: STOOD TOO NEAR A COW AND A BULL.
CASE #8
"Five youngsters, five deaths awaiting these members of The Pine Bush Little League baseball team. The eyelines are all askew, suggesting a number of different stimuli competing for their attentions. Only two are drawn to the fruit of the Commodore 64. But wait... what is that in the rear of the image? It would appear to be a nest of some manner. Could it be for a bird, or a more exotic, and thus more deadly, breed of egg-laying fauna? A crocodilian or monotreme, one would presume."
REVEAL:
CAUSE OF DEATH: FAILURE TO THRIVE.
CASE #9
"And so, the young John Cusack reclines in his rake's alcove, looking for all intents as if he is available to tackle all that the firmament shall serve to challenge him. Alas, no amount of moxie can prepare him to resist the cold, boney, finger of Madame Death. His cork board shows imagery of horseless carriages, perhaps suggesting that one may serve as the vessel which conveys young Cusack to the grave. Or maybe he'll just get a bad electric shock off of the computing device, as he angrily punches at the keys upon the instructions of his accountant father."
REVEAL:
CAUSE OF DEATH: CHOKED ON BILLIARD BALL.
CASE #10
"This admirable young woman finds herself surrounded by potentially lethal commodities. A bottle for the airborne dispersal of tainted pigeon milk. A jar of rare orchid bee honey. A curious orb. Could any of these widgets be culpable for this adolescent squaw's dissolution? For one final time shall you press reveal to illuminate this conundrum."
REVEAL:
CAUSE OF DEATH: KILLED BY EATING HER OWN HAIR.
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