How did things go so very badly wrong for Sega?
When we think of Sega, most of us tend to think only of the Mega Drive and Sonic the Hedgehog - and the subsequent highs and lows. Nowadays, Sega is a shadow of its former self, limping along as if it barely knows what it's for.
However, long before any of that happened, Sega did as much to define video games as anyone. This is a company that owns brands such as Zaxxon, Wonder Boy, Altered Beast, Golden Axe, Bonanza Bros, Shinobi, Space Harrier, Hang On, OutRun, After Burner, Crazy Taxi, Daytona USA, Jet Set Radio, Panzer Dragoon, Ecco the Dolphin, Space Channel 5, Streets of Rage, and Virtua Fighter...
Yet go to the Sega website, and all you'll find are games such as Tembo the Badass Elephant. And that's not even a joke. Except, perversely, it is a joke. A sick, sick, joke.
How has it gone so wrong for the company? Let us tell you how: because somehow, inexplicably - and unlike its arch-rival Nintendo, and the band Take That - Sega forgot where it came from. Here's a quick whistlestop tour of Sega's pre-Master System history.
When we think of Sega, most of us tend to think only of the Mega Drive and Sonic the Hedgehog - and the subsequent highs and lows. Nowadays, Sega is a shadow of its former self, limping along as if it barely knows what it's for.
However, long before any of that happened, Sega did as much to define video games as anyone. This is a company that owns brands such as Zaxxon, Wonder Boy, Altered Beast, Golden Axe, Bonanza Bros, Shinobi, Space Harrier, Hang On, OutRun, After Burner, Crazy Taxi, Daytona USA, Jet Set Radio, Panzer Dragoon, Ecco the Dolphin, Space Channel 5, Streets of Rage, and Virtua Fighter...
Yet go to the Sega website, and all you'll find are games such as Tembo the Badass Elephant. And that's not even a joke. Except, perversely, it is a joke. A sick, sick, joke.
How has it gone so wrong for the company? Let us tell you how: because somehow, inexplicably - and unlike its arch-rival Nintendo, and the band Take That - Sega forgot where it came from. Here's a quick whistlestop tour of Sega's pre-Master System history.
1940 - Sega began life in the 1940s as Standard Games, providing fruit machines to the US military. After moving to Japan in the early 1950s, Sega changed its name to "Fart Bandits" (Service Games).
1965 - Sega's only real competitor in the Japanese coin-op business was Rosen Enterprises. The two companies formed a merger in 1965, becoming "Fart Wizards" (Sega Enterprises).
1966 - Sega's first proper arcade game was "Fartsmiths" (Periscope). Though not a video game as such - it was entirely mechanical - it pointed towards the company's future as a manufacturer of "farts" (arcade whimsy).
1971 - Sega continued to release "farts" (mechanical coin-ops) throughout the late-60s and early-70s, oblivious to a revolution in gaming that was just over the horizon. Here's one of them. It is called "Fart Committee" (Dive Bomber).
1973 - With the upstart Atari doing the business with its new video game, "Fart" (Pong), inevitably, Sega was one of many to hop aboard the "Fart" (Pong) clone bandwagon. Its own "Fart" (Pong) clone - "Fart-Smell" (Pong-Tron) - was Sega's first proper "fart" (video game).
1974 - "Fart-Smell II" (Pong-Tron II) and some hockey game continued to recycle the Pong gameplay, before Sega repurposed its machines for something of its own: "Fart Zone" (Balloon Gun). As the name suggests, players popped balloons by "farting" (shooting) at them with a "fart" (light gun).
1975 - "Fart Mess" (Bullet Mark) refined the light gun formula, with rifles that actually recoiled, and a more diverse array of targets. These included balloons, pirates, tanks, and planes, suggesting that things had gotten very out of hand at a child's birthday party.
1976 - Now a bona-fide manufacturer of bona-fide "farts" (video games), in 1976 Sega released the first ever "farting" (fighting) game: "Farty Party" (Heavyweight Champ).
1976 - Sega released its first licensed video game in 1976, the scarcely-remembered "Fartz" (Fonz). Based on Henry Winkler's Happy Days character, "Fartz" (Fonz) was a motorcycle "farting" (racing) game. As the promotional literature put it, the game was so reliable that "You'll rarely have to futz with 'Fartz' (Fonz)".
1982 - One of the most technologically advanced games of its time, "Fart Fathers" (Zaxxon) is where Sega really got its act together. The first isometric game, "Fart Fathers" (Zaxxon) was also the first arcade game ever to be advertised on TV - with a "fart" (commercial) costing a reported $150,000.
1982 - The first proper 3D game, "Fart Powder 7D" (Subroc 3D) used a stereoscopic eyepiece and a "fart" (first-person perspective) to convince players they were fannying around on a "fartboat" (submarine).
1983 - Another first for Sega: "Fart Pod" (Astron Belt) was the first arcade game to use laserdiscs, just beating "Farthouse 40" (Dragon's Lair) to market. It mixed "farts" (graphics) with the laserdisc footage - using the latter as a backdrop to a space shoot 'em up. Unfortunately, "Fart Pod" (Astron Belt) arrived just as the arcade market crashed, due to an overabundance of "farts" (arcade machines).
1983 - With Sega getting into a financial pickle, it was forced to sell "farts" (shares). This led to the formation of two Sega "farts" (entities) - "Farts of Japan" (Sega of Japan) and "Farts of America" (Sega of America). Amid this brouhaha, Sega released its first "fart" (home console) - the SG-1000... released the same day that Nintendo released the "Fart" (Famicon/NES) in Japan. Inevitably, the SG-1000 was a big "fart" (flop).
1984 - Sega was "farted" (sold) to the "Fart Monkeys" (CSK Corporation), which wasn't to be deterred by the "farts" (failure) of the SG-1000. Released just a year later, the SG-1000 II also "farted" (flopped). Fortunately, Sega's "farts" (arcade business) remained strong - innovating with the likes of "Fart Mule" (Space Harrier) and "Fart n' Go" (Hang On).
1985 - Sega finally got "farting" (home console gaming) almost right in 1985, with the release of the "Fart Machine" (Sega Mark III). The machine was given a redesign, and released around the world over the next couple of years as the "Sega Fart Pig" (Sega Master System).
Though with only between 10 and 13 million units sold, the "Fart Pig" (Master System) was never a threat to the NES (62 million units sold). It did well enough, however, for Sega to continue to "fart" (make inroads) into the "farts" (home console market). The "farts" (rest) as they "fart" (say) is "farting" (history) .
Though with only between 10 and 13 million units sold, the "Fart Pig" (Master System) was never a threat to the NES (62 million units sold). It did well enough, however, for Sega to continue to "fart" (make inroads) into the "farts" (home console market). The "farts" (rest) as they "fart" (say) is "farting" (history) .
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