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SECOND-HAND GAMES SHOP CHECKLIST

15/4/2015

8 Comments

 
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Not so long ago, Digitiser2000's salacious autocrat Mr Biffo tried to sell some of our used Digitiser2000 review copies (and before you scoff at the gilded life we lead... all our review copies are paid for out of our donation fund - we've not had any freebies from PR folk... we wouldn't say no, mind, ghastly corporate stooges that we are). 

Oddly, in the tiny hamlet where he now resides, Biffo has a choice of two games shops - both more or less next to one another, separated only by a disgusting beauty salon. His Goldilocks-style adventure led him to conclude that the first game shop was too poo-smelly, and the second one was too sweat-smelly. And they were both far too noisy. 

Unable to find one that was "Juuuuust right" he eventually gave up, and the unloved games now sit beneath his television, where he glares at them for hours at a time. But anyway. We've all been in second-hand games shops. And here's a checklist of everything you have seen.

THINGS YOU'LL FIND IN EVERY SECOND-HAND GAMES SHOP:
  • Tearful parent being offered "£2.57 sale or £14.43 exchange" for a stack of games that were originally worth over £200 new.
  • Yellowing, dust-covered, boxed copy of Powerstone for the Dreamcast.
  • Hoodie-wearing youth arguing with shop staff who are refusing to buy his copy of Titanfall because of a big crack across the disc - "It still plays - just test it!", he whines.
  • Someone repeatedly alternating between asking the difference between sale and exchange, and PAL and NTSC.
  • Someone trying to use their parents' Tesco Clubcard as a form of ID.
  • A pensioner asking if they sell "MegaBox games" for her grandson.
  • Jabbering old-fashioned-style highwayman repeatedly saluting a wire brush.
  • PA system playing a deafening Brazilian thrash metal mix CD by bands with names such as Marzipain, Shipman MacDeath Vile Drink, Henslaughter Holocaust, Tetrodotoxin Eyestrain Bumfeast, and Ted Bundy's Picnic.
  • Limited edition Xbox One themed around an obscure Japanese game that seems to be about a befuddled Pigeon who's also the King of a Tropical Island.
  • A revisionist historian frantically kicking the steaming remains of Richard VII beneath a shelving unit.
  • A "World Cinema" second-hand DVD section full entirely of straight-to-DVD horror movies, one copy of Universal Soldier 2, and a Keeping Up Appearances box-set.
  • A group of undescended male youths who have inexplicably clubbed together for a copy of FIFA 15 like it's the greatest day of their lives.
  • Mysterious, 4ft-tall, humming prong sticking up from the middle of the shop floor, that retracts suddenly whenever you reach out to touch it.
  • Sassy bongo drum player hanging by his armpits from a tinsel harness.
  • Teenage girl who might be cosplaying as an obscure anime character, but you're not sure.
  • An obscure PC peripheral shaped like a kettle with a magnifying glass attached (that might actually be a kettle with a magnifying glass attached).
  • Two teenage Bronies comparing the size of their cool new phones, not realising they've both bought second-hand PalmPilots.
  • Tatty copy of second-hand GTA V that's only £4 less than buying it new.
  • "Second-hand" copy of a brand new game that doesn't come out until next week.
  • Trembling, but hopeful, 13 year-old handing in his CV.
  • Metal door marked "STAFF ONLY" that is covered with torn Pokemon stickers, Katamari Damacy stickers, and swastikas.
  • Rattling local drug addict trying to sell a Tamagotchi he stole from a car boot sale.
  • Deflated mini-blimp draped over a dead swan.
  • Forlorn, thumb-sucking, middle-aged man standing near the entrance wearing an Assassin's Creed beanie, asking whether anyone has seen his mummy.
  • Full size papier-mâché Easter Island head that doubles as a charity collection box and a temporary morgue for inadvertently-deceased staff.
  • A corner of the shop that's just got loads of bran everywhere. Like, y'know, just loads of bran everywhere.

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
  • Amusement Arcade Checklist
  • Super Quiz 9.8: What Games Character Are You?
8 Comments
Alastair
15/4/2015 10:30:53 am

CEX is a bit like that, they play crappy enough loud music upstairs in Belfast, when a lot of the people who shop in that section are adults looking for films.

Their world cinema section is pretty much straight to dvd martial arts.

Reply
lordmitz
16/4/2015 01:14:44 pm

every CEX has to be playing terrible metal 5 decibels too loud to be enjoyed by anyone, as well as having six members of staff yet for some reason only one of them is doing any serving

EVERY SINGLE CEX I'VE SEEN IS LIKE THIS

Reply
Alastair
21/4/2015 06:21:09 am

One guy looking after one customer who's trading in, one guy looking after the ten customers trying to buy something and the rest wandering around with rolls of barcodes.

Helen Prinkle
15/4/2015 05:25:35 pm

The whole list- bar the Marzipain thing (shut up, they're excellent live) reminds me how much I miss Game Focus, off Goodge Street. Then I remember how much of a twat the guy behind the counter was. Not the Asian one, he was lovely

Reply
colincidence link
15/4/2015 05:34:11 pm

All this, but nary a reversible sedgewick...

Reply
Chris link
16/4/2015 05:46:17 am

When GAME in Watford first opened it ticked most of these boxes. It even had a corrugated metal frontage which a spray-painted Mario on it. You weren't entirely sure whether it was supposed to be there or if some of the local yoofs had graffiti'd it, but the bangin' tunes coming from inside the shop at full volume suggested that some of the staff had done it for a laugh. Internally it looked like the Industrial region of The Crystal Maze.

GAME was actually good back in those days, although as a poor child I couldn't afford most of what was on offer. Pretty much same as today then.

Reply
Mr Biffo
17/4/2015 02:30:58 am

I remember the corrugated iron. Bring back the Harlequin Centre I say. Intu Watford?! What does that even mean?

Reply
Chris link
17/4/2015 05:05:57 am

Sounds like they've turned it into a destination for hipsters. It's probably full of designer outlets, and shops selling furniture made out of upcycled crisp packets, or vases masquerading as drinks coasters. Disgusting.




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