Oddly, in the tiny hamlet where he now resides, Biffo has a choice of two games shops - both more or less next to one another, separated only by a disgusting beauty salon. His Goldilocks-style adventure led him to conclude that the first game shop was too poo-smelly, and the second one was too sweat-smelly. And they were both far too noisy.
Unable to find one that was "Juuuuust right" he eventually gave up, and the unloved games now sit beneath his television, where he glares at them for hours at a time. But anyway. We've all been in second-hand games shops. And here's a checklist of everything you have seen.
- Tearful parent being offered "£2.57 sale or £14.43 exchange" for a stack of games that were originally worth over £200 new.
- Yellowing, dust-covered, boxed copy of Powerstone for the Dreamcast.
- Hoodie-wearing youth arguing with shop staff who are refusing to buy his copy of Titanfall because of a big crack across the disc - "It still plays - just test it!", he whines.
- Someone repeatedly alternating between asking the difference between sale and exchange, and PAL and NTSC.
- Someone trying to use their parents' Tesco Clubcard as a form of ID.
- A pensioner asking if they sell "MegaBox games" for her grandson.
- Jabbering old-fashioned-style highwayman repeatedly saluting a wire brush.
- PA system playing a deafening Brazilian thrash metal mix CD by bands with names such as Marzipain, Shipman MacDeath Vile Drink, Henslaughter Holocaust, Tetrodotoxin Eyestrain Bumfeast, and Ted Bundy's Picnic.
- Limited edition Xbox One themed around an obscure Japanese game that seems to be about a befuddled Pigeon who's also the King of a Tropical Island.
- A revisionist historian frantically kicking the steaming remains of Richard VII beneath a shelving unit.
- A "World Cinema" second-hand DVD section full entirely of straight-to-DVD horror movies, one copy of Universal Soldier 2, and a Keeping Up Appearances box-set.
- A group of undescended male youths who have inexplicably clubbed together for a copy of FIFA 15 like it's the greatest day of their lives.
- Mysterious, 4ft-tall, humming prong sticking up from the middle of the shop floor, that retracts suddenly whenever you reach out to touch it.
- Sassy bongo drum player hanging by his armpits from a tinsel harness.
- Teenage girl who might be cosplaying as an obscure anime character, but you're not sure.
- An obscure PC peripheral shaped like a kettle with a magnifying glass attached (that might actually be a kettle with a magnifying glass attached).
- Two teenage Bronies comparing the size of their cool new phones, not realising they've both bought second-hand PalmPilots.
- Tatty copy of second-hand GTA V that's only £4 less than buying it new.
- "Second-hand" copy of a brand new game that doesn't come out until next week.
- Trembling, but hopeful, 13 year-old handing in his CV.
- Metal door marked "STAFF ONLY" that is covered with torn Pokemon stickers, Katamari Damacy stickers, and swastikas.
- Rattling local drug addict trying to sell a Tamagotchi he stole from a car boot sale.
- Deflated mini-blimp draped over a dead swan.
- Forlorn, thumb-sucking, middle-aged man standing near the entrance wearing an Assassin's Creed beanie, asking whether anyone has seen his mummy.
- Full size papier-mâché Easter Island head that doubles as a charity collection box and a temporary morgue for inadvertently-deceased staff.
- A corner of the shop that's just got loads of bran everywhere. Like, y'know, just loads of bran everywhere.
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