DIGITISER
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ

SCRIPTS OF MY YEARS PART FOUR: KNIFE & WIFE - BY MR BIFFO

16/11/2016

19 Comments

 
Picture
1998 was not a good year. In early February, David Green rang to deliver the news that my services were no longer required on North of Watford. I couldn't have cared less.

My marriage was weathering the first storm of many which would ultimately consume it. For the next 18 months I barely had the strength to keep myself upright, let alone write another draft of a movie script. The life I thought I had the measure of turned out to be something very different, and the only things which kept me afloat were my children and Digitiser. Things I could rely on that would, surely, always be there.

When I finally started to pull myself out of the nosedive, I launched my first website - Bubblegun - with my old schoolfriend, and fellow Teletext graphics guru, Steve Horsley. In fact, it was probably Bubblegun which got me back on my feet. I threw myself into it body and soul - an all-consuming attitude towards work, which would help paper over the cracks of some harsh realities for the next few years.

My mornings would be taken up with Digitiser. Afternoons were for Bubblegun. I wrote an astonishing amount of material. Even more than I do for Digitiser2000. Not to mention graphics and cartoons. I worked myself back into some loose semblance of a functioning human being. Not necessarily a healthy strategy, but my family had never encouraged wallowing.
SELL OUTS
We started Bubblegun with a view to selling it. There was a lot of that happening at the time - it was the height of the dotcom boom. It became an incredibly popular site, not least because I was able to plug it on Digitiser, but possibly also because there wasn't anything else like it at the time. Buzzfeed kind of became what we wanted Bubblegun to be... albeit more irritating, fatuous, and without the comic strips. 

Much as I loved Digi, there was nowhere to go with it. There was no prospect of promotion, or selling it, or ever making any money out of it. Plus, ultimately, I was slave to the whims of the Teletext bosses. I tried to ignore the voice which told me they could pull the plug at any moment, but they were still there, dripping fear into my ear.

Bubblegun even had a business manager - a friend of Steve's - and generated some interest, but that all came to an abrupt halt as the dotcom boom became an implosion. It was pretty apparent that there wasn't going to be any money made from websites in the immediate future. ​

With hindsight, perhaps I shouldn't have stopped when I did, but really... I didn't have a strategy for Bubblegun. I never paused to take stock and consider what it was, or could be. I just kept writing and writing. Running and running, from the fissure that was splintering the ground behind me, always threatening to consume me - before I'd veer onto the next work-based distraction.
Picture
TOWELS
Bubblgun did - quite unexpectedly - lead to other work. XFM's Christian O'Connell was a fan of the site, and contacted me with a view to writing for his breakfast show.

I worked with Christian and his on-air sidekick Chris Smith for several years. We even won some awards, though I only found out about these afterwards. Despite my name being on them.

As a firm believer of giving credit where it's due, it's reasonable to assume that this influenced my decision to stop writing for XFM.

Also, in the latter days of Bubblegun, I was approached by Granada Kids - essentially the in-house children's department of ITV - with a view to pitching for a show they were working on with the poet Benjamin Zephaniah. Unfortunately, it fell on the same day as my driving test. I don't get nervous often, but the double whammy of driving examiner scrutiny, coupled to intimidating dub poet scrutiny, pretty much floored me with nerves. 

The show was called Websta, and was about a Rastafarian spider. I knew nothing about Rastafari, so did some research beforehand, not wanting to appear as out of my depth as I felt.

When I arrived - frustratingly late, due to both my driving exam (I passed) and traffic - I was the final meeting of what had clearly been a very long day. I doubt I made very much sense to anyone in the room, but I was confident in my Internet research. When I mentioned this, Zephaniah scoffed, and took my printed-out notes from me. He felt the need to tell me that they were profoundly patronising. 

I didn't get the job. Indeed, Websta, as far as I know, didn't get a commission either.

What a shame. He was such a nice man...

​SPACE JUNK
Fortunately, there had been another person in the room who at least saw some potential in me. His name was Connal Orton, and he was particularly taken with Digitiser's Snakes, which he knew from Bubblegun.

Connal invited me to pitch other ideas, and for a while we worked together on an animation concept called Space Junk. Again, it didn't go anywhere, but it was the start of a working relationship which endures to this day. I credit Connal, along with Robert Popper, for really kickstarting my career.

Granada Kids invited me to their Christmas party later that year. I struggle with the self-serving falseness and narcissism of networking at the best of times, and felt thoroughly out of my depth. I was surrounded by proper TV people. People who had real experience making TV shows. People who had careers in TV. Who was I next to this gilded elite? What was I even doing there?

A few beers in, I got talking to one of these Olympians. His name was Andy Watts, and he was the creator of My Parents Are Aliens. At the time, Andy was about as big a deal in kids TV as it was possible to get. An hysterically funny Liverpudlian, I wasn't to know it then, but I'd end up working very closely with him in the years to come.

As I usually do whenever I appear in public, I dropped a full bottle of beer on the floor, and it shattered - silencing the entire room, and drawing attention to this young and desperately-out-of-his-depth wannabe.

​With all eyes on me, Andy leaned over and whispered: "I'm so glad that wasn't me." 

Picture
MR POPPER'S CHICKEN
Then everything changed, very suddenly.

Robert Popper had moved from Planet 24, and ended up as a commissioning editor for Channel 4. He called me in for a meeting, and asked me to pitch ideas for the channel's Comedy Lab strand.

It just so happened that I'd written a script based upon one of my Bubblegun cartoon strips - Knife & Wife (which was based upon silly cartoons I drew as a teenager). Robert was finally in a position to get things made, and thought the characters could work if retooled as a Simpsons-esque family.  

I tried to write something which remained faithful to the comic strips, but Robert was appalled. Knife was just too edgy and acerbic, veering into uncomfortably dark territory - snarling and spitting venom at his spouse.

With hindsight, it was a reflection of how I was feeling at the time. My parents and sister had pressured me into sticking with the marriage, but this meant swallowing a lot of resentment, and bottling things up "for the sake of the kids". I'm only realising it now, but that poisonous stew had started to bleed into my work.

LOST NERVE
After that first draft was knocked back, I lost my nerve completely. I went entirely in a different direction. As requested, I tried to write The Simpsons, and failed horribly.

Somehow, though, Robert got the script to Monty Python's Terry Jones. Despite reservations from his agent, Terry really liked it, and wanted to voice Knife. Probably as a result of getting Terry, we then were able to put together a cast which included Jessica Stevenson (now Jessica Hynes), Kevin Eldon, and Paul Putner. We also had George & Mildred's Brian Murphy, who wasn't there at the main voice recording session. Surreally, I went out for lunch with him after he dropped in to record his lines. Lovely man. 

In fact, Knife & Wife was a surreal experience from top to bottom - the first thing I ever had made for TV, and it had an actual Python in it! And not one of the rubbish ones: but the one who directed the films! And he was every bit as gracious and sweet as I could've hoped for!

Nonetheless, it's hard to look back on Knife & Wife now. I can't fault the work of the animators, any of the voice cast, or anyone on the production team. Its problems stemmed from the script. And those problems stemmed from the writer. And those problems stemmed from a pot of insecurity, which had been given a big old stir. 

I didn't know who I was aiming it at, and I was wracked with self-doubt throughout. Part of me wanted to please Digitiser fans. But another part of me wanted it to please as many people as possible. Really, I should've attempted to silence those voices, and tried to write for myself - but, again, at that time I thought I was rubbish, so ultimately I wrote something a bit rubbish. 

The worst part was people trying to say nice things about it, when I knew in my heart that it didn't deserve them. Well, not everyone tried. My mate Giles and his wife literally said nothing when I showed it to them. 

Knife & Wife may have been the first thing I wrote for TV which got made, but it wasn't the first thing I wrote for TV which got shown. 

That was Sooty...

CONTINUE READING...

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
SCRIPTS OF MY YEARS PART ONE: WE TWO VETS - BY MR BIFFO
SCRIPTS OF MY YEARS PART TWO: HUSK & HORNBLOWER - BY MR BIFFO
SCRIPTS OF MY YEARS PART THREE: NORTH OF WATFORD - BY MR BIFFO
19 Comments
John Veness
17/11/2016 09:42:23 am

I'm loving the dramatic cliffhangers in these articles!

Reply
Wicked Eric
17/11/2016 10:51:38 am

Nothing dredges up the excitement juices quite like the shock last second appearance of Sooty.

Reply
Tom Sauce
17/11/2016 10:58:47 am

Quite how bubblegun / K&W etc etc COMPLETELY passed my by is anybodies guess. This is the first I'm hearing of all of this. This was the time period during my peak digi consumption too.

Enjoying this read very much.

Reply
John Veness
17/11/2016 11:50:13 am

Yes, I somehow also didn't read Bubblegun much at the time, although I think I saw a few pages.

Question for Biffo: if I wanted to splurge on the whole thing now, is everything linked directly (just one click away) from the left-hand navigation, I mean the Features, Culturepop, Web Bucket, Top Tens, Fartoons bits, or is any of it hidden behind a archive link or similar that I've yet to find?

Reply
Mr Biffo
17/11/2016 12:04:59 pm

John - not totally sure if I'm honest! Steve Horsley still keeps the site live. There's nothing hidden, I don't think, though. All preserved for posterity!

Crab Whelker
17/11/2016 01:52:50 pm

Fartoons appears to be dead

Mr Biffo
17/11/2016 08:21:24 pm

I'll as Horsenburger about it...

Wicked Eric
17/11/2016 12:13:48 pm

Who wrote the top 10 lists for bubblegun? A few of those are lodged in my memory taking up valuable space.

I remember a list of alternative names for I Can't Believe It's Not Butter which included At Least It's Not Spunk. And a list of Harry Potter novels that included Harry Potter and the Girl With the Visible Bra Strap.

I don't know why I remember all this shite.

Reply
Mr Biffo
17/11/2016 12:20:23 pm

That was me. They were the thing that Christian O'Connell particularly liked.

Reply
dan de la peche
17/11/2016 01:45:34 pm

I vaguely remember a thing on Bubblegun where you alluded to Zoe Ball being on the radio with a mouthful of Norman Cook's spunk - what was that about, or is it a fever dream?

Reply
Mr Biffo
17/11/2016 02:21:40 pm

That... rings a bell. Gossip!

Reply
Friend Man
17/11/2016 01:54:42 pm

Knife and Wife exists???? Can we see it? What a cast!

Reply
Friend Man
17/11/2016 02:14:56 pm

Never mind, found it! Definitely watching tonight

Reply
Gilbert
17/11/2016 04:49:02 pm

I am sure words of encouragement must have been said. I do recall the awe of a real Python being diluted by the reshaping from the Knife of teenage years.

It was the 1000 yellow puppets of your next blog when your stride as a writer of tv became entirely clear to that us though.

Reply
Mr Biffo
17/11/2016 08:21:01 pm

Very proud of that one...

Reply
Treacle Truffle
18/11/2016 08:39:11 pm

I remember being a regular in the Bubblegun irc channel back in the day, which led to attending an irl meet up. After which I was accosted by not one but two ladies of the night as I walked back to my car, parked in what I now realise was the red light district of Glasgow.

Reply
CahtCat
28/11/2016 01:34:02 am

I came into the IRC room as "ChatCat" once and it was decided I'd be called "CahtCat" so I came in as that name probably about twelve times after that. I probably didn't say much.

Reply
CahtCat
28/11/2016 01:32:30 am

"Fun" Fact: Bubblegun was the place where I learned of the existence of Google. I remember an article that said something like "once you use Google you'll never use another search engine." And it was right! With Bubblegun I'd no doubt still be using AltaVista to this day and would be confused and angered whenever anyone told me to "Google" something. "GO GOOGLE YOUSELF!" I''d scream, shaking my fist in ignorant rage.

Reply
CahtCat
28/11/2016 01:37:38 am

*without

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    This section will not be visible in live published website. Below are your current settings:


    Current Number Of Columns are = 2

    Expand Posts Area =

    Gap/Space Between Posts = 12px

    Blog Post Style = card

    Use of custom card colors instead of default colors = 1

    Blog Post Card Background Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Shadow Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Border Color = current color

    Publish the website and visit your blog page to see the results

    Picture
    Support Me on Ko-fi
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    RSS Feed Widget
    Picture

    Picture
    Tweets by @mrbiffo
    Picture
    Follow us on The Facebook

    Picture

    Archives

    December 2022
    May 2022
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    November 2020
    September 2020
    July 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014


    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ