Hello. I'm Phoning Honey. Please don't hang yourself - I haven't finished talking yet. Listen: when I'm not sifting through a hat full of dirt, or drifting through a sackful of hurt, I like to go online and prank the technical support people.
Why I do this, goodness only knows, but do this I most certainly do. Here is my latest chat (hanging may commence at the end of the transcript):
Why I do this, goodness only knows, but do this I most certainly do. Here is my latest chat (hanging may commence at the end of the transcript):
>> YOU HAVE ENTERED THE SESSION. PLEASE WAIT TO BE CONNECTED TO AN OPERATOR.
HONEY: How long will I have to wait? Who the hell are you? Make yourself known!
>> MICHAEL HAS JOINED THE SESSION.
MICHAEL: Hi. You're talking with Michael. Who is this?
HONEY: It's Honey, Michael. How are you?
MICHAEL: I'm good thanks, Honey.
HONEY: Ok then. Sorry, who are you again?
MICHAEL: I'm Michael. Technical support.
HONEY: Michael...? The technical support?
HONEY: I'm going to try and help you.
HONEY: Are you the Michael I went to school with?
MICHAEL: ...Ha ha. I doubt that. It would be a big coincidence. Lots of Michaels.
HONEY: His name was Michael Preece. We called him Michael Priest. You see, there was a rumour that he was a priest, because he was always walking around in priest gear and talking about the seminary. "Michael Priest/Michael Priest/Wears a smock/And he smells of yeast". Is this you? Please confirm.
MICHAEL: Pretty sure that's not me. How can I help you today?
HONEY: I bought a washing machine from you, yeah, and stuff has happened that probably shouldn't have happened, and I don't really know if I can talk about it.
MICHAEL: I'm sure we'll find a way to help. What has happened?
HONEY: Well, I tried to wash one of my sinister trench coats, but I didn't realise there were a load of pirated video game discs in the hidden pockets - I'm the local video game pirate, you see. I sell knock-off games at the market, which you probably don't need to know about. But basically, all the discs smashed into tiny shards, and now the washing machine won't drain.
MICHAEL: ...
MICHAEL: ...
MICHAEL: ...Have you opened the filter?
HONEY: Yes indeed. There was only a little trickle of brown water. Do you think it's sewage?
MICHAEL: Unlikely to be sewage, unless something has gone very wrong with your plumbing.
HONEY: It tasted like sewage.
MICHAEL: I don't recommend tasting it.
HONEY: So?
MICHAEL: Have you tried putting your fingers into the filter, and feeling for the drain pump? Will it turn?
HONEY: Who knows?
MICHAEL: It should feel like a small fan blade.
HONEY: And?
MICHAEL: Sometimes things get caught around the pump, like pet hair or hairbands.
HONEY: I don't wear hairbands, Michael, and all my pets have escaped. Do you think one of them might've returned and got in the washing machine? Do you think it was Magnus: the bird?
MICHAEL: It's more likely to be from pet hair on clothes.
HONEY: My pets weren't very hairy. They weren't the hairy sort of pets, Michael. Look, between you and me they had very little hair. My cat I waxed daily, apart from a strip down the centre of his face. He was a Brazilian No-Hair. Listen, Michael. I've got something to ask.
MICHAEL: Ok.
HONEY: Do you like me?
MICHAEL: ...
MICHAEL: ...
HONEY: You've been quiet a long time, Michael. It's a simple enough question. Do you like me? Really though? I get the sense you do.
MICHAEL: ...
MICHAEL: ...
MICHAEL: ...
HONEY: Michael, please. I'm shivering with anticipation and cold. And fear.
MICHAEL: WTF is going on???? Who is this?
HONEY: It's Honey, Michael. You remember me: I was the one with the problem about the washing machine. The one who tasted the sewer water? Would you like to buy a pirated copy of Destiny, Michael? Come on, Michael. Let's make this happen. Michael, please...
MICHAEL: Who is this????
HONEY: There's something I really need to tell you, Michael.
MICHAEL: What?
MICHAEL: I also had a hamster, Michael. A hamster called Tiffany Hitler.
>> YOU HAVE BEEN DISCONNECTED FROM THE CHAT.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
HONEY: How long will I have to wait? Who the hell are you? Make yourself known!
>> MICHAEL HAS JOINED THE SESSION.
MICHAEL: Hi. You're talking with Michael. Who is this?
HONEY: It's Honey, Michael. How are you?
MICHAEL: I'm good thanks, Honey.
HONEY: Ok then. Sorry, who are you again?
MICHAEL: I'm Michael. Technical support.
HONEY: Michael...? The technical support?
HONEY: I'm going to try and help you.
HONEY: Are you the Michael I went to school with?
MICHAEL: ...Ha ha. I doubt that. It would be a big coincidence. Lots of Michaels.
HONEY: His name was Michael Preece. We called him Michael Priest. You see, there was a rumour that he was a priest, because he was always walking around in priest gear and talking about the seminary. "Michael Priest/Michael Priest/Wears a smock/And he smells of yeast". Is this you? Please confirm.
MICHAEL: Pretty sure that's not me. How can I help you today?
HONEY: I bought a washing machine from you, yeah, and stuff has happened that probably shouldn't have happened, and I don't really know if I can talk about it.
MICHAEL: I'm sure we'll find a way to help. What has happened?
HONEY: Well, I tried to wash one of my sinister trench coats, but I didn't realise there were a load of pirated video game discs in the hidden pockets - I'm the local video game pirate, you see. I sell knock-off games at the market, which you probably don't need to know about. But basically, all the discs smashed into tiny shards, and now the washing machine won't drain.
MICHAEL: ...
MICHAEL: ...
MICHAEL: ...Have you opened the filter?
HONEY: Yes indeed. There was only a little trickle of brown water. Do you think it's sewage?
MICHAEL: Unlikely to be sewage, unless something has gone very wrong with your plumbing.
HONEY: It tasted like sewage.
MICHAEL: I don't recommend tasting it.
HONEY: So?
MICHAEL: Have you tried putting your fingers into the filter, and feeling for the drain pump? Will it turn?
HONEY: Who knows?
MICHAEL: It should feel like a small fan blade.
HONEY: And?
MICHAEL: Sometimes things get caught around the pump, like pet hair or hairbands.
HONEY: I don't wear hairbands, Michael, and all my pets have escaped. Do you think one of them might've returned and got in the washing machine? Do you think it was Magnus: the bird?
MICHAEL: It's more likely to be from pet hair on clothes.
HONEY: My pets weren't very hairy. They weren't the hairy sort of pets, Michael. Look, between you and me they had very little hair. My cat I waxed daily, apart from a strip down the centre of his face. He was a Brazilian No-Hair. Listen, Michael. I've got something to ask.
MICHAEL: Ok.
HONEY: Do you like me?
MICHAEL: ...
MICHAEL: ...
HONEY: You've been quiet a long time, Michael. It's a simple enough question. Do you like me? Really though? I get the sense you do.
MICHAEL: ...
MICHAEL: ...
MICHAEL: ...
HONEY: Michael, please. I'm shivering with anticipation and cold. And fear.
MICHAEL: WTF is going on???? Who is this?
HONEY: It's Honey, Michael. You remember me: I was the one with the problem about the washing machine. The one who tasted the sewer water? Would you like to buy a pirated copy of Destiny, Michael? Come on, Michael. Let's make this happen. Michael, please...
MICHAEL: Who is this????
HONEY: There's something I really need to tell you, Michael.
MICHAEL: What?
MICHAEL: I also had a hamster, Michael. A hamster called Tiffany Hitler.
>> YOU HAVE BEEN DISCONNECTED FROM THE CHAT.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
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