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RING SIR! Online Support Pranks with Phoning Honey

18/5/2015

6 Comments

 
Picture
Hello and goodbye. I'm Phoning Honey, the epoxy-coated prankster who just loves showing you around his online helpline prank transcripts. When I'm not doing that, I'm playing the bassoon in a Van Halen/Def Leppard tribute band. We're called 'Vas Deferens'. 

But enough about that - here's my latest thing. And as we sing in Vas Deferens - Yummy yummy I've put ants on my mummy... and they're crawling all around her mouth - yeah!

All names have been changed irreversibly.

> YOU ARE BEING CONNECTED TO AN OPERATOR...

HONEY: Just as I planned.


> YOUR CHAT SESSION HAS BEGUN.

HONEY: OK then.

PETER: Hello. This is Peter. 


HONEY: LOL.

PETER: I'm going to be helping you today.

HONEY: LOL, Peter.

PETER: Which of our products are you experiencing problems with?

HONEY: What?

PETER: Which of our products are you experiencing problems with?

HONEY: NetNanny.

PETER: I'm sorry. NetNanny is not one of our products.

HONEY: NatNenny then.

PETER: That is not one of our products.

HONEY: I can't remember what it's called. It's something like NetNimmo, but I can't remember what exactly the name is. You can't blame me for this - I bought it whilst temporarily blinded by salty sea spume (S.S.S), then I installed it and threw away the box, packaging, manual and disc. I was furious with myself (and all other people).

PETER: Can you describe the issue you are having?

HONEY: Definitely.


...

PETER: Can you describe the issue you are having?

HONEY: To you? Yes. NetNanny isn't working properly. I installed it, but instead of a Nanny, a big Grandad keeps appearing on my screen instead. He told me his name was Clem Brendle.

PETER: Are you sure it is NetNanny you are using? NetNanny is not one of our brands.

HONEY: Did I buy the wrong thing? 

PETER: I don't know. None of our products do what you are describing?

HONEY: No Clem Brendle?

PETER: No. Nothing like that.

PETER: Did I buy NotNanny by mistake? Please - could you describe to me what your Nanny is supposed to look like? Does your Nanny look more like a Granddad?

PETER: Could you explain some more please about the type of operating difficulty you are experiencing, and what software you were anticipating?

HONEY: When I boot up the computer a Granddad appears and berates me. He accused me of doing something to his grapes! He said I swapped one of them for an olive! LOL! I was anticipating the literal opposite of that (ie; an off-screen Nanny who didn't accuse me of swapping her olive for a grape).

PETER: Is it a software issue?

HONEY: I don't know what that even means.

PETER: Is it an issue with your software? Which software of ours are you using? 

HONEY: I don't know.

PETER: Then I cannot help you. I am sorry.

HONEY: Wait. I just found out what the software is called.

PETER: Ok.

HONEY: It's called 'Peter-B-Gone'. Peter?

PETER: I am here.

HONEY: Be gone!

> YOU HAVE BEEN DISCONNECTED FROM THE CHAT SESSION. 


FROM THE ARCHIVE:
  • MORE PHONING HONEY
  • CYBER-X
  • GOSSI THE DOG
6 Comments
Debbie Black
18/5/2015 09:55:34 pm

Poor Peter.

Reply
Lorfarius
19/5/2015 01:12:45 am

That's the best ending to these calls I've read so far. Started laughing in the middle of my office.

Reply
Dan link
19/5/2015 05:55:52 am

Thou hath vanquished the evil Peter! "Begone, vile shade... ":P

I like to think there's a psychiatrist's waiting room full of these tech support chatroom operators somewhere.

"It was him off the teletext, I swear!"

"Oh come now, teletext was a figment of your imagination."

Reply
Alastair Ward
1/6/2015 06:42:31 am

Begone Peter!

Like the worst ending of a level of Knightmare .

Reply
Vending Machine
20/5/2015 07:06:51 am

Clem Brendle is dead if i ever drop on him, he owes me £15.

Reply
Mr Biffo
22/5/2015 06:02:06 am

Brendle loves you.

Reply



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