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RING SIR! Online Support Pranks with Phoning Honey

9/4/2015

2 Comments

 
Picture
Over here! I say... over here! Hello. What took you so long? I'm Phoning Honey, the zany harlequin who just can't stop pulling his pranks down. Why do I do this? I'm mentally ill. It's not really that funny when you think of it like that - a disease of the mind is still a disease. It's just, you know, an imaginary one.

Anyway. Here I go again with another transcript of my attempts to amuse and bewilder through the means of whimsical discourse with an online support worker. All names have been changed. They really have. 

>> YOU ARE BEING CONNECTED TO AN OPERATOR

HONEY: I know. 

> CONNECTED

MARK: Hi. You're speaking to Mark. How can I help you?

HONEY: Hello, Mark. Can I call you "Mark"?

MARK: Yes Mark is fine.

HONEY: I'm glad to hear it. I am also fine. "Mark", my broadband is really slow.

MARK: Have you reset the router?

HONEY: Yes of course. I followed all the instructions on your website, "Mark", but it's just as slow as it always was. I'm just trying to watch my favourite show - T-Bag. Is that such a crime?

MARK: I'm going to run a test on your line.

HONEY: Wait. "Mark". Please don't do that yet. 

MARK: Ok. Why?

HONEY: I've made some modifications. 

MARK: What kind of modifications? To the router you mean?

HONEY: Yes, and to the line. I have an extensive model train layout running through my garden. I call it "The Puffer", because when I look at the trains I think of puffer fish, for some reason. I had to sink the line beneath the tracks.

MARK: What do you mean when you say that you had to sink the line?

HONEY: I had to submerge it beneath the ground, otherwise the trains would slice through it with their deadly metal wheels. Choo-choo! All aboard!

MARK: I don't really understand. Sorry. You buried the line somehow? 

HONEY: I don't understand either. I honestly don't know what's going on, "Mark".

MARK: Is it ok if I run a line test? I'm running it now.

HONEY: What are you running from?

MARK: How do you mean? It's just a test. 

HONEY: Will you have to come here, to my bungalow, "Mark"? Only, I haven't tidied up or got dressed, ever. What time will you be arriving approximately?

MARK: It's a remote test.

HONEY: I thought you were going to test the line. There's nothing wrong with my remote. That works perfectly.

MARK: I mean it's a test I can do from here.

HONEY: Like a quiz? Like an exam?

MARK: No. I run a test from here.

HONEY: Oh really? How fascinating. What sort of test is it? General knowledge?

MARK: It's a line test. I'm going to test your broadband line.

HONEY: Why?

MARK: You said it was slow.

HONEY: Did I?

MARK: Yes. 'HONEY: I'm glad to hear it. I am also fine. "Mark", my broadband is really slow.'

HONEY: I see. So now you're parroting things back at me "parrot-fashion". You should get yourself a beak, and go and live on a perch. Parrot "Mark" they should call you. Or "Beak-face".

>> YOU HAVE BEEN DISCONNECTED FROM THE CHAT

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
  • MORE FROM PHONING HONEY
  • MAN DIARY
  • THE MAN'S DADDY
2 Comments
LewisQ
9/4/2015 01:03:52 pm

You had me at "I know".

Reply
Mr Biffo
10/4/2015 06:51:17 am

xxxxx

Reply



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