Over here! I say... over here! Hello. What took you so long? I'm Phoning Honey, the zany harlequin who just can't stop pulling his pranks down. Why do I do this? I'm mentally ill. It's not really that funny when you think of it like that - a disease of the mind is still a disease. It's just, you know, an imaginary one.
Anyway. Here I go again with another transcript of my attempts to amuse and bewilder through the means of whimsical discourse with an online support worker. All names have been changed. They really have.
Anyway. Here I go again with another transcript of my attempts to amuse and bewilder through the means of whimsical discourse with an online support worker. All names have been changed. They really have.
>> YOU ARE BEING CONNECTED TO AN OPERATOR
HONEY: I know.
> CONNECTED
MARK: Hi. You're speaking to Mark. How can I help you?
HONEY: Hello, Mark. Can I call you "Mark"?
MARK: Yes Mark is fine.
HONEY: I'm glad to hear it. I am also fine. "Mark", my broadband is really slow.
MARK: Have you reset the router?
HONEY: Yes of course. I followed all the instructions on your website, "Mark", but it's just as slow as it always was. I'm just trying to watch my favourite show - T-Bag. Is that such a crime?
MARK: I'm going to run a test on your line.
HONEY: Wait. "Mark". Please don't do that yet.
MARK: Ok. Why?
HONEY: I've made some modifications.
MARK: What kind of modifications? To the router you mean?
HONEY: Yes, and to the line. I have an extensive model train layout running through my garden. I call it "The Puffer", because when I look at the trains I think of puffer fish, for some reason. I had to sink the line beneath the tracks.
MARK: What do you mean when you say that you had to sink the line?
HONEY: I had to submerge it beneath the ground, otherwise the trains would slice through it with their deadly metal wheels. Choo-choo! All aboard!
MARK: I don't really understand. Sorry. You buried the line somehow?
HONEY: I don't understand either. I honestly don't know what's going on, "Mark".
MARK: Is it ok if I run a line test? I'm running it now.
HONEY: What are you running from?
MARK: How do you mean? It's just a test.
HONEY: Will you have to come here, to my bungalow, "Mark"? Only, I haven't tidied up or got dressed, ever. What time will you be arriving approximately?
MARK: It's a remote test.
HONEY: I thought you were going to test the line. There's nothing wrong with my remote. That works perfectly.
MARK: I mean it's a test I can do from here.
HONEY: Like a quiz? Like an exam?
MARK: No. I run a test from here.
HONEY: Oh really? How fascinating. What sort of test is it? General knowledge?
MARK: It's a line test. I'm going to test your broadband line.
HONEY: Why?
MARK: You said it was slow.
HONEY: Did I?
MARK: Yes. 'HONEY: I'm glad to hear it. I am also fine. "Mark", my broadband is really slow.'
HONEY: I see. So now you're parroting things back at me "parrot-fashion". You should get yourself a beak, and go and live on a perch. Parrot "Mark" they should call you. Or "Beak-face".
>> YOU HAVE BEEN DISCONNECTED FROM THE CHAT
HONEY: I know.
> CONNECTED
MARK: Hi. You're speaking to Mark. How can I help you?
HONEY: Hello, Mark. Can I call you "Mark"?
MARK: Yes Mark is fine.
HONEY: I'm glad to hear it. I am also fine. "Mark", my broadband is really slow.
MARK: Have you reset the router?
HONEY: Yes of course. I followed all the instructions on your website, "Mark", but it's just as slow as it always was. I'm just trying to watch my favourite show - T-Bag. Is that such a crime?
MARK: I'm going to run a test on your line.
HONEY: Wait. "Mark". Please don't do that yet.
MARK: Ok. Why?
HONEY: I've made some modifications.
MARK: What kind of modifications? To the router you mean?
HONEY: Yes, and to the line. I have an extensive model train layout running through my garden. I call it "The Puffer", because when I look at the trains I think of puffer fish, for some reason. I had to sink the line beneath the tracks.
MARK: What do you mean when you say that you had to sink the line?
HONEY: I had to submerge it beneath the ground, otherwise the trains would slice through it with their deadly metal wheels. Choo-choo! All aboard!
MARK: I don't really understand. Sorry. You buried the line somehow?
HONEY: I don't understand either. I honestly don't know what's going on, "Mark".
MARK: Is it ok if I run a line test? I'm running it now.
HONEY: What are you running from?
MARK: How do you mean? It's just a test.
HONEY: Will you have to come here, to my bungalow, "Mark"? Only, I haven't tidied up or got dressed, ever. What time will you be arriving approximately?
MARK: It's a remote test.
HONEY: I thought you were going to test the line. There's nothing wrong with my remote. That works perfectly.
MARK: I mean it's a test I can do from here.
HONEY: Like a quiz? Like an exam?
MARK: No. I run a test from here.
HONEY: Oh really? How fascinating. What sort of test is it? General knowledge?
MARK: It's a line test. I'm going to test your broadband line.
HONEY: Why?
MARK: You said it was slow.
HONEY: Did I?
MARK: Yes. 'HONEY: I'm glad to hear it. I am also fine. "Mark", my broadband is really slow.'
HONEY: I see. So now you're parroting things back at me "parrot-fashion". You should get yourself a beak, and go and live on a perch. Parrot "Mark" they should call you. Or "Beak-face".
>> YOU HAVE BEEN DISCONNECTED FROM THE CHAT
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