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REVIEW: TRANSFORMERS DEVASTATION (Various, PS4 Version Tested)

13/10/2015

19 Comments

 
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In the summer of 1983 I sold my entire collection of Star Wars toys for fifty pounds.

That fifty quid was earmarked as spending money for a trip to America to visit my sister, who'd inadvertently married an American called Jim-Bob (not a joke - he grew up in a swamp, drove a pick-up truck, took a pair of  shotguns camping with him, and wore dungarees).

Visiting American shops - full of Star Wars toys you couldn't get back home, and which I would've desperately loved to add to a collection I no longer owned - was the sort of deep irony Alanis Morissette could scrawl a song about.

But there weren't just Star Wars toys on those American store shelves. There was something brand new jostling for space - a new range of toy robots that turned into cars and planes and Sony Walkmen.

Transformers.

Over the next couple of years Star Wars faded away, while those transforming robots became The Next Big Thing. Meanwhile, I was busy struggling to be a teenager, only tangentially aware of kids buying those toys, enjoying those cartoons and comics... Yet somewhere in my subconscious I linked Transformers with the abrupt end of my childhood. Somehow... it was to blame. "Transformers killed your innocence", whispered the little voice. "You hate Transformers".

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PASS ME BY
Don't get me wrong; I've tried to understand Transformers. I've seen the films, barring the last one, in a bid to try and wrap my head around their popularity.

Yet, I've not enjoyed a single one of them. Indeed, I literally had a bout of diarrhoea during the first sequel, and had to leave the cinema.

I remember reading a cover "exclusive" in a games mag many years ago, which misled the reader into believing the publication had some sort of exclusive info on a new Transformers game. In reality, the piece was entirely speculative, merely over-enthusing about the potential merits of what a Transformers game could offer. Something clearly written by a fanboy, and that irritated the lungs out of me.

Well... this is probably that speculative game, some 20 years later... and the established story for it - if you read the current crop of reviews - is that it's far better than anybody was expecting.

Except: no it isn't. It's just sort of alright. It has visuals that look like an iOS game (because they're trying to recreate the look of the 80s cartoon series), gameplay that cribs from Bayonetta (while jettisoning some of the balletic flow and depth), chronically bland level design, and about five hours worth of life.

​Oh, but wait... it's got the shitting Transformers in it, so let's give it 10/10.

NOSTALGIA
I don't care how authentic Transformers Devastation looks and sounds. I'm not a Transformers fan, so all I'm seeing is a sub-par game starring a bunch of dorky robot characters.

It's a game that seems to be getting by on the strength of its faithfulness to its license, but I defy anyone to play this and think it's on a par with - say - something like Shadows of Mordor. Or Batman: Arkham Knight. Or Alien Isolation. They were just as faithful to their source material, but didn't look, feel, and offer the same value for money as an iPhone game.


Transformers fans: stop kidding yourselves. And Transformers-loving game reviewers: stop telling people to buy this. Pick a handful of other reviews of this game, and most of them seem to praise it for how successful it channels nostalgia. Is that really sufficient?

The basic, Bayonetta-lite, controls are fine - it feels meaty and visceral - but the battles between the Fartobots and their evil counterparts the Decreptivorbs take place in such achingly dull, repetitive, profoundly un-engaging arenas, that the fights just become a trudge.

Has my loathing of Transformers blinded me to this game's qualities? No. It's just meant I've not been blinded to its flaws, like others seem to have been. Transformers: Robots in disguise (as an iOS game).

SUMMARY: The opposite of this: "Oooh! Look! This thing looks exactly like a thing I really liked when I was 12 years-old! 1,000,000,000%!!!".
SCORE: -1,000,000,000%
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
REVIEW: UNCHARTED - THE NATHAN DRAKE COLLECTION (PS4)
REVIEW: LEGO DIMENSIONS (Various - PS4 version tested)
REVIEW: RARE REPLAY (Xbox One)

19 Comments
Old Red link
13/10/2015 11:19:10 am

Ooooooooh, sounds like someone's got a bumblebee in their bonnet.

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Mr Jonny T
13/10/2015 12:02:15 pm

I don't think the Transformers Movies are a good way to judge why Transformers are popular...

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Mr Biffo
13/10/2015 01:24:26 pm

They are. They're perfect.

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Megatron
13/10/2015 12:26:25 pm

Oh Biffy I'm glad you're back to percentages, can't make head nor tale out of the other scores.

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Potimus
13/10/2015 01:20:56 pm

Probably should have held onto those star wars toys, might be worth a bit.

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Mr Biffo
13/10/2015 01:24:08 pm

I left out this bit: I bought them all back about 10 years later. Most were in an alright condition.

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Granthon Thrrp
13/10/2015 02:33:02 pm

Ahh, nothing beats a good ol' Digi cuss-up.

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Col. Asdasd
13/10/2015 04:41:37 pm

-1,000,000%

So you're saying it's an IGN 7? Christ, man.

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Timmypoos
13/10/2015 06:33:27 pm

you meany poopface!

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Mr Biffo
13/10/2015 07:54:12 pm

Sssssss!

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Timmypoos
13/10/2015 09:29:09 pm

Oops didn't mean to wake your snakeypoos

Soundwave
13/10/2015 08:18:36 pm

That Decepticon in the left of the screenshot looks remarkably unconcerned as he strolls past Optimus Prime attacking one of his mates.

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Stay
13/10/2015 09:16:18 pm

Did the Autobots decide to be cars so they could play the underdog card? What would you rather be - a car that can only really travel on roads at around 70mph (they are the good guys after all) or the Decepticons that could transform into combat aircraft and fly anywhere at Mach 2+ with filled weapons pylons under their wings?

I only had one transformer as a kid as I was into Action Men and Action Force - I thought it was a copycat but the build quality was amazing and it turned out it was Starfire. I still have it in the loft along with my AF figures and Action Men and but the rubber bits have perished so the heads have fallen off.

I remember the last day I played with my toys. I had a final play with my Action Force stuff and then took them upstairs and set them up on top a chest of drawers in cool poses until they were boxed and put in the loft. But I did continue reading Battle Action Force and then the Action Force/GI Joe Marvel comic.

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Bananasthemonkey
14/10/2015 09:46:01 am

And why in god's name would anybody want to 'transform' into a lorry?!

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Mr Biffo
14/10/2015 02:23:41 pm

Because they're an idiot.

Terence McPringles
14/10/2015 07:44:24 pm

They did it so they could be in disguise.

You see, in the 1980s, everyone was too using lots of hairspray and thinking about Frankie going to Hollywood to notice that the giant space robots who fought the other giant space robots turned into cars then drove away. Or that the same cars kept showing up at the scenes where the evil robots kept turning up.

Also this cunning ruse would fool the Decepticons, who would never be able to recognise the same car or truck twice until it was too late.

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Terrence McPringles
14/10/2015 07:45:09 pm

*everyone was too busy

EssBen
15/10/2015 02:40:01 pm

There was only one Transformers movie, it came out in 1986 and was so good that I was unable to watch the telly program ever again.

Ah it's a bitter sweet symphony this life.

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Bad Dude
21/12/2016 03:24:14 pm

You're damn right. There was only one Tranformers (the) Movie. Just like there was only one right opinion on this page. HA!

Cheer yourself up why not, there's a proper all inclusive soundtrack available for that film. Songs and background themes.
Some of them can bring light even in your darkest hours.

Reply



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