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REVIEW: THE WITCHER 3 (PS4/Xbox One/PC - PS4 version tested)

22/5/2015

28 Comments

 
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As Mr Biffo said in his article the other day, we were going to hold this review back for next week, until we'd played a little more of The Witcher 3. 

However, we've played enough now to feel we have a sense of the game, and decided we needed to step in to provide something of a firebreak from the raging onslaught of unanimously positive reviews. 

Reviews, we're assuming, by people who've never played an RPG before, and have never heard of Lord of the Rings, or Game of Thrones, or Xena: Warrior Princess. People who inexplicably grew up without ever once realising that there was a genre of fiction called "fantasy", and believe The Witcher 3 to be the greatest, most original, most epic story ever told.

Frankly, The Witcher 3 angered us so much that we couldn't hold anything back - not least our immense and all-consuming fury. So... is this going to be a review that damns The Witcher 3 outright? Actualy, it's not quite as simple as that. You see... well... just read on, sweet nuggets. Read on!

THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE GODAWFUL
Here are the good things about The Witcher 3 - Wild Hunt: the graphics are fantastic (well, the character models are slightly less fantastic than the scenery, but never mind), there's a ton of gameplay, the combat is great, we enjoyed the mild Arkham Asylum-style detective moments, and we loved the open world. 

Here are the bad things: absolutely everything else. Specifically everything to do with the setting and the story... and for a game that rams its story down your throat from the off, with endless, tedious, soul-destroying cut-scenes that nobody other than an abject idiot will enjoy, that's a massive issue.

In short, The Witcher 3 is incredibly, profoundly, unintentionally dumb. Like, catastrophically, weep-inducingly witless. It's Tolkien fan fiction by someone who wasn't smart enough to understand the underlying themes of what Tolkien was writing about. 


More importantly, Tolkien's work - much of which, let's be honest here, is often crushingly dull (it's basically a hiking travelogue with people bleating on about "hope" every now and then) - was nevertheless imbued with a sense of authorship. Like all the best writing, Tolkien had an emotional connection to his work - inspired by, among other things, his experiences in the First World War, particularly the Battle of the Somme.

The Witcher 3 is someone (or someones - this is classic game design by committee, with absolutely no sense of of an overall vision) reaching for the same sense of gravitas and worthiness, yet only being inspired by somebody else's inspiration via osmosis. 

Like thinking you've been on safari, because you once saw a photograph of an elephant in a magazine, or telling people you fought a life-defining battle with cancer because your dad's bald. Actually - we know what it is; it's the gaming equivalent of everyone who tried to make out they'd been personally affected by 9/11, because their cousin had once been on holiday to New York. 

There's nothing about The Witcher 3 which feels authored (which is ironic, because it's based upon a series of Tokien fan-fic books). 
It's hollow, false, regurgitated, criminally derivative, but - most importantly - lacking in truth. It's an empty, soulless mask of a game. 

Peel back the curtain of the story here and you'll find an army of chattering nerds congratulating themselves over how many of their favourite, tired, depleted fantasy tropes they can crowbar into their swirling vat of reheated sword and sorcery slurry.
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NOT JUST THE STORY
But it's not just the "story" and the world that disappoints in The Witcher 3 - it's the presentation of it. The acting is mostly appalling, the dialogue both clunky and inconsistent, veering between cod-medievalisms and modern day slang, and tonally it's all over the place. 

Here you go from the attempts at portentousness in the main game to the godawful American voice-over of the loading screens, which sound like they're being delivered by the guy who used to introduce the old black and white Flash Gordon TV serial.

The characterisation is wholly inconsistent too - who is the main character? It's impossible to get any real sense of him, other than him being a sort of Mr Type 1 Video Game Hero: a bit gritty, a bit anti-establishment, but with a code of honour. It's like... Really?! That's where we're still at? That's as deep as we're going is it? Enough. Seriously. It's soul-destroying. Why should we even care what happens in this game?

Every element of The Witcher 3 feels recycled. There hasn't been a single watt of effort expended to introduce players to new experiences. It's purely an exercise in giving RPG fans more of the sort of thing that they like. Yes, it might look better than most games out there, but it's treading water. 


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WHAT MATTERS
And none of this would matter so much if the game had been terrible from top to bottom. That's why we're so angry about it, because it's a missed opportunity, and clearly a huge amount of effort has gone into it.

Here you've got a fantastic game engine, amazing graphics (again - apart from the cut-scene character models), and a brilliantly realised world... shackled to a completely awful, unoriginal, sloppy, derivative everything else. In all honesty, it's painful.

Thing is, it doesn't just crib from Tolkien, but every other RPG there has ever been - once again, we get taverns where you can sit down with some bloke and play a quick game of Magic: The Gathering. Once again you can wander into people's houses and start rooting through their stuff... so long as you don't get caught by the local guards. You can stroll through woods and forests, and expect to have fights with wolves. And you've got that same old branching dialogue guff that you won't be able to click through fast enough.

It's like... y'know... is that the best you can do? You've got the foundation of an incredible game here, and you're just wasting it. The Witcher 3 isn't remotely unplayable. Indeed, you'll probably play it and enjoy it, because the actual game itself is solid and it works, and it's fun.

Plus, we accept that this isn't the only game that can be accused of all these crimes - Skyrim and Dragon Age Inquisition aren't much better. Unfortunately, this comes on the heels of those, and our patience  has worn thin.

Consequently, in context, The Witcher 3 comes across as burnt-out plagiarism on a grand scale - more cosplay than creativity. 

SUMMARY: Solid gameplay and mostly beautiful graphics, but profoundly derivative - let down by its story, and the presentation of that story. Surely we can do better than this by now? 
SCORE: Six rings out of ten.

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
  • REVIEW: DRAGON AGE INQUISITION (Xbox One/PS4)
  • REVIEW: BLOODBORNE (PS4)
  • REVIEW: THE ORDER 1886 (PS4)
28 Comments
handsomecrab
22/5/2015 05:56:28 am

Wow.

I've not played it, so can't comment on the game itself but I certainly agree with the sentiment.

This being a new generation of consoles and all, can't we have something more than the same tired, old tropes? Especially in the fantasy genre.

Great, honest review (I expect nothing less from Digi).

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Mr Biffo
22/5/2015 06:03:09 am

Cheers, ears.

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lordmitz
22/5/2015 06:08:31 am

"it's good, but it's not as good as street fighter 2"
- julian rignall

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Mr Biffo
22/5/2015 06:29:00 am

Ha ha!

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Billy Five Mates
22/5/2015 06:11:26 am

What? You're right, completely, but no mention of the utterly shitty controls and the woeful camera which was plucked right out of the dark ages of 3D platformers... that camera is worse, far far worse, than even Mario Sunshine's.

Shit camera.

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Mr Biffo
22/5/2015 06:28:07 am

Yeah, and I wanted to moan about the bugs too - my horse getting stuck on scenery, so he wouldn't come when I called him, for instance - but I was running out of space as it was.

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Chris link
22/5/2015 05:00:30 pm

Space? Surely the great thing about web pages is that they are infinite in their dimensions. Unlike, say, teletext pages.

Antony Adler
22/5/2015 06:39:02 am

Brilliant review! Having seen the hype, i checked out some trailers a few weeks back and within 60 seconds was feeling similar thoughts. So disappointed with recent games, same old, same old, over and over and over again.

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MrPSB
22/5/2015 07:15:43 am

Hey Mr Biffo, I respect your opinion but have you considered this?

A-rump-pump-pump-parrrrrrrp-parrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp

I think that says it all.

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Mr Biffo
22/5/2015 07:56:45 am

That... that sound... It's Elite Dangerous all over again!

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MrPSB
22/5/2015 08:33:50 am

In the same was as Elite Dangerous, I can't argue against any point you've made, but I'm enjoying the game despite the little voice in my head going "this bit's a bit shit though, isn't it?"

MrPSB
22/5/2015 08:34:35 am

Oh no, I did a Biffo, I mean "way" not "was".

Allard & Reggie's Lovechild
22/5/2015 08:48:42 am

I had zero interest in the 360 freebie Witcher 2, so I care about this as much as I did for Rise Udder Robots (that's the version with robotic bovines).

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James
22/5/2015 11:04:37 am

How strange, the things you praise (combat, Witcher senses and environmental graphics) are among the weakest aspects of the game imo yet I love most of the things you hate.

I sort of agree with the core sentiment that it's unoriginal but god if it isn't one of the most polished and fleshed out versions of that unoriginal fantasy world, so it seems harsh to choose The Witcher 3 as the game to make a stand on. I guess you're not the reviewer for me.

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Mr Biffo
22/5/2015 11:51:25 am

That's ok, Jambo.

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kelvingreen link
22/5/2015 11:39:11 am

Don't worry Biffo, I felt the same about Skyrim. Pretty but dull, buggy, and occasionally stupid, and yet everyone else loved it and showered it with 90% scores and awards.

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Wowbagger
22/5/2015 12:59:03 pm

Nope.

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jenkobuster
23/5/2015 12:52:31 am

I would prefer tw3 to skyrim and DA3 any day of the week.

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Superbeast 37
23/5/2015 01:38:01 am

I've had little previous experience of the Witcher series (tutorial of W2), wasn't impressed by Skyrim and quit DA:I after a couple of hours. I'm a WoW nut personally.

Yet I am quite getting into Witcher 3. I loved The Order 1886 so have no issue with cutscenes. I mean GTA had as many cutscenes and the game kind of reminds me of that. I look forward to getting back and seeing what the NPC has to say.

I also find the quests fun and original compared to what I'm used to and not at all tedious like 99% of RPG's. Early days though admittedly.

I think you are just burnt out on this genre.

My only criticism is that coming from the west county we are yet again the accent of choice for thick peasants. Getting lame now and it would be considered racist if the media kept doing that with say African accents or something.

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Mr Biffo
23/5/2015 02:48:27 am

Well, no - I'm not burnt out by fantasy RPGs. I just think they're all of a muchness. If you're going to put story in a game, and make it such an integral part of the game, then the game needs to be judged on its storytelling. And that means how all the elements work to convey the story.

Here's a tiny example of why The Witcher 3 fails in that: fairly early on you return to a location that you'd previously been to, and find it on fire. Villagers are standing around crying, so I decide to speak to one of the local guards to find out what happened. HIs response: "Yaaaaaawwwn". Seriously. Could you imagine that in a Hollywood movie, or a book, or a comic? Storytelling in games needs to grow up, and we're forgiving, overlooking, or ignoring too much because... woooh graphics, sunsets, forests...!

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Superbeast 37
24/5/2015 01:29:11 am

I saw something similar. Early in the game a woman crying next to a burned house. She didn't have much to say about it!

I assumed it is down to production limitations. I mean we want a well populated world but it's not feasible to have every single character and scenario scripted and voice acted?

I'd actually say your guard example is far more excusable than my woman crying by the burnt house example though. With all the guards milling around I expect generic responses but when they specifically put a crying woman next to house I'd expect more than a generic response.

How do you see us overcoming this in the future as these games increase in scale with ever more NPC 's populating ever more dynamic worlds? It's going to be a problem as scripts will stack from here to the moon or the uncanny valley type effect will become even more jarring?

Dezzer
24/5/2015 01:18:00 am

I know where Mr Biffo,s coming from on this one. Its the lack of originality in AAA games that just makes me despair. I had a moment recently when I played Shadows of Mordor where I just groaned out loud. I was excited to play the new "nemesis" system everyone was talking about, but early on I had to climb a tower, hit an anvil with a hammer and magically all my missions were revealed. I then had to dive off the tower. I had done this soooo many times before in Assassins Creed, FarCry, Watchdogs. I played for another hour and gave up. It just seems like I'm playing the same game over and over again and they are just re-skinning it. I had a similar moment in Witcher 3. I've played 1 and 2 to completion, but I walked up to a noticeboard to get some more quests and a little sigh came out. Not the huge groan of SOM, just a little sigh. I turned it off and went back to the game | had stopped playing to play Witcher 3, "Not a Hero", no fancy graphics, just good old great gameplay, a great little indie game. I think Witcher 3 will be my last AAA purchase for a while. There is so much good stuff out there in the indie scene, Starbound, Guacemelee, Fez, Steamworld dig, Spelunky, Invisible inc, The Swapper. The list goes on and on. BTW If you want to play a great RPG, If you haven't done so already play South Park SOT, its a riot and an absolute classic.

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Mr Biffo
27/5/2015 02:24:35 am

Yeah, that's it really. The point is... I was trying to hold up The Witcher 3 as an example. In all honesty, I'm actually really enjoying it. I think it's flawed, and the storytelling IS utterly appalling, but it's good for what it is. I just can't help but feel there's more that could be done, instead of transporting us to the same places again and again and again. It feels like a gargantuan amount of work to build something around something that's borne from such a lack of originality.

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ChorltonWheelie
26/5/2015 12:44:02 pm

"delivered by the guy who used to introduce the old black and white Flash Gordon TV serial" you say?

Well, I wasn't going to buy it but you've sold it to me big boy.

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Patrick Scott
19/6/2015 09:12:30 pm

I haven't touched it since a week after launch. I will return to it, but for now, I'm having more fun replaying Sniper Elite III (Shootin Nazi goolies. Can't beat shootin Nazi goolies)

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Kedgy
12/7/2015 01:04:16 pm

"In short, The Witcher 3 is incredibly, profoundly, unintentionally dumb. Like, catastrophically, weep-inducingly witless. It's Tolkien fan fiction by someone who wasn't smart enough to understand the underlying themes of what Tolkien was writing about." - Well, so much for my memory of Digi being one of the rare arbiters of truth. Having earlier decried breathless reviews by people who don't know what 'fantasy' is, it is ironic that the books are described as Tolkien fan fiction. I love LotR, but it has always been criticised for the asexual, idealistic (in terms of both good and evil) and sometimes bland characters. Whereas the Witcher has a far less black and white view of the world. Yes, the yokels and other groups are cliched. However, individuals are certainly far more nuanced than many - both in terms of source material and in the game itself. There are very few, if any, whiter than white heroes. Relationships are beyond the usual 'thou art thy beloved' fantasy pash. Compare the Aragorn - Arwen mehfest to Geralt and Yennefer - a tempestuous one at best, where there is attraction and frustration in equal measure. Run through the characters and almost every one of them has positive and negative traits. Geralt's understated manner only serves to buttress the moments of emotion. The trampled battlefields evoke some of the trench warfare of a century ago, while each of the nation protagonists are deficient. As is Dragon Age Inquisition, there is reference to bigotry, both for witchers and mages. There is also a nod to the science as well as the magic, given the process needed to create a Witcher through mutation. No, it isn't perfect, but such ill-informed reasoning is silly. I would argue that the other triple As like DA Inquisition and Skyrim fall into the fantasy cliche far more often the Witcher. And again, I am a huge fan of them all.
I would be interested to hear what themes Tolkien was writing about, given this area has been one of the biggest sticks used to beat the LotR. I hope its not the old world war cliche, particularly the mess Tolkien got into with the evil coming from the big bad east, including all manner of darker skinned enemies ready to serve the enemy.

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Euphemia
13/6/2016 06:04:22 am

This was going cheap last week on the PS store, figured I'd give it a shot given that most of the reviews were positive. Christ alive, what a shitfest. You had it precisely right: dull, unoriginal and unforgivably boring. And the main guy with his stupid hair, irritated me no end with his dodgy David Hayter impression.

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Kelvin Green link
13/6/2016 08:44:08 am

It's a bit better in Polish, because there seems to be more humour in the voice acting, and the main character is less of a Generic Growling Tough Guy™.

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