As usual, I took a magazine in there with me (specifically, an issue of How It Works, if you must know). If you'll excuse the phrase, it runs in the family; my grandad used to take a paper in with him, and do the crossword.
He'd be gone for up to an hour. I'm not quite that bad, but I still like to take my time.
I have done this all my life. Through good times and bad. It's a refuge. A chance to de-stress, and come out feeling a couple of pounds lighter, both physically and psychologically. These days, it's about the only time I can switch off enough to read.
On this occasion, I couldn't focus. I tried to read an article about Vikings, but it wasn't going in. I ended up throwing it across the bathroom. The reason? I could only think about one thing, and that thing was this thing: Superhot. As I have done every moment since I started playing Superhot. And when I'm not playing Superhot, all I want to do is play Superhot, and if I can't play Superhot, all I want to do is talk about Superhot.
Superhot is beautifully simple; a first-person shoot 'em up, where time only moves when you do.
It looks like an even-more-stylised Mirror's Edge, and there's one of these meta-narratives they have nowadays, but at its heart, this is a game where you're dropped into subways, offices, and alleyways, and have to take out the bad guys.
Grab the nearest handgun, machine-gun or shotgun and shoot. If there's no gun nearby, punch one of the bad guys in the face and take his.
Or pick up a briefcase or spanner and throw that at him. Or grab the baseball bat that's handily propped against a wall.
It's all standard FPS stuff - but because of the Max Payne-ish "bullet time" mechanic, never, ever, has a first-person shooter made me feel more like an action movie star.
I mean, that's what they usually want us to think we feel like in their games, but they trick us with cut-scenes and button hammering. Superhot does it for real, by slowing time to a crawl, giving us space to think before we act. The player's brain compresses it into seamless action.
Drop from skylight. Grab ashtray. Fling ashtray into bad guy's face. Grab his gun. Shoot him. Dodge bullets from somewhere off to your right. Wait for your gun to reload. Spin around and shoot the guy who just shot at you. Aim at the next bad guy coming round the corner. Click. Out of ammo. Throw gun at him. Jump towards him over computer desk. Grab his katana and slice him in two.
It's brilliant. Honestly. This review isn't going to do it justice, and that makes me feel a bit ill. Some reviewers have described Superhot like FPS chess, or FPS turn-based strategy. For me it's an action movie simulator.
There's a moment at the end of each stage where the words "SUPER HOT" flash on the screen accompanied by a computerised voice shouting the same. I swear that every time I heard it, I started to go all funny in the trousers. That's how good Superhot is.
The main thrust of Superhot is over in a couple of hours, but there are plenty of extras: an endless mode, challenges, various modifiers. It feels generous for the relatively low price.
I can't really complain about what's there, but I still wanted even more than it gave me; I never want to stop playing Superhot.
There are surprises along the way: a new ability, a story twist that actually made me angry (in a wholly enjoyable way), and other secrets tucked into its hem.
If there's anything I have to gripe about, it's that it didn't feel entirely stable. It crashed or froze often on my Macbook Pro. Not often enough to be an issue, but more than I'd have liked. Also, the meta-narrative stuff feels like a bit of a cliche now.
It reminds me of back when I took drama at college. One time, we were split into groups, and each group was given three words that would be the only dialogue in a vignette we were expected to come up with. Every group's scene saw them pretending to be students in a drama class (well, except for my group: in ours, I pretended to be Jesus... so take from that what you will). For whatever reason, that was the default scenario... and it's becoming the same with a few too many indie games.
That whole you-have-no-free-will-and-you're-in-a-game thing was novel in Bioshock, but its getting hackneyed.
But still. I'll forgive it in the case of Superhot, because Superhot is the best game of 2016. I don't care what else gets released. Nothing is going to come close. Nothing is going to top it. Nothing. It's the game I've been waiting for. It's the game that changed my poo routine. My, if you will, pootine.
SUMMARY: All bullet time all the time... It's not often I say this, but can every game between now and the end of forever please rip this off?
SCORE: 1,000,000,000,000% out of 1,000,000,000,000.5