First you need to get that authentic Star Wars theme song. You know: the one that starts with a hypnotic drum beat, and a quavering, high-pitched vocalist singing the words: "It's time to go to Star Wars!/La-di-dah-di-dah/Boc!".
Then you have to make sure you've got all the other noises right: the weird popping sound Han Solo's knees make, the constant thrum that comes from within Princess Leia's head, and the soft metallic cough which the space robot R2-D2 emits whenever he sees some sild.
Shame, then, that Star Wars Battlefront hired someone who'd never even heard of, let alone seen, Star Wars to voice its version of Darth Vader... "You do not know something something about The Dark Side" he says, like his balls are about to drop...
Here's something that isn't a lie: it's possible that Star Wars Battlefront is the best looking game of this generation.
Certainly, it's in the top three. If you want a game that looks authentically Star Wars-y, this is your bag: from whipping through Endor on speeder bikes, soaring over Beggar's Canyon in an X-Wing, or defending Echo Base from Imperial Walkers... it does feel quite spectacularly spectacular.
And here's another thing that isn't a lie: I'm one of the worst people on earth when it comes to playing games online. I'm honestly, embarrassingly, terrible, the only consolation is that I'm not quite as terrible as my friend Anthony, who is so terrible that he has become too ashamed to play video games these days.
Being rubbish is a big part of why my heart sank when I realised there wouldn't be a significant single-player component to Battlefront.
However... as resistant as I was to a Star Wars game without a campaign, if you ignore that it's Star Wars, this is the go-to online shooter for idiots like me.
It doesn't feel overwhelming, the speed of everything, the fact you don't have to reload your weapons, all of it conspires to make an online shooter that is - dare I honk it - accessible. Some have criticised the game for this, because things that are popular and inclusive aren't cool apparently... but it's the very antithesis of why Destiny drove me out of town.
Hell, in every game of Battlefront I've played thus far I've not been bottom of the leaderboard. That would never happen in Halo 5, or CODBLOPS 3. And I don't even know why I seem to get along better with Battlefront.
Hey - maybe The Force is just with me!!!!!!!! LOOLOLROFLMAOLOLOLOL!!!!!
So who is bottom of the leaderboard every time? Probably Anthony.
I'm not going to bore myself by listing all the game modes on Battlefront. There are other reviewers out there who are paid good money to do that.
Suffice to say, however, if there's something you enjoyed from the original Star Wars trilogy, and it happened within the atmosphere of a planet, you'll find it here, in a variety of massive 20 vs 20 matches, or more small scale skirmishes.
Every weapon, turret-y thing, and vehicle you might want to take into combat against the Empire or Rebellion, is at your disposal. Heck, you can even get to play as Darth Vader, Boba Fett, Luke Skywalker, Chutney Jim and Trebor.
STOP BEING SO UNCHARACTERISTICALLY UPBEAT
And it's here where I stop being so uncharacteristically upbeat. There are four environments in Battlefront, with three maps each (and another couple of maps due for free next month).
There's no bona-fide single player mode - barring some half-arsed AI modes - and the maps are already starting to get a bit boring. I've no idea whether this was by accident or design, but if you really love what's on offer here, you're going to be biting off EA's hand to purchase the next few sets of DLC.
You know: on top of the fifty-odd quid you've already shelled out.
And that's what's wrong with Battlefront; there simply isn't enough game here, as beautifully authentic and playable as it is, to justify that price tag. The fact they're asking for more money almost from the off is an insult.
CODBLOPS 3 might've been a weird old mishmash of stuff, but the amount of content it gives you for free - including a proper single-player campaign - puts Battlefront to shame. In an era where games seem to be getting bigger and bigger, Battlefront takes things too far the other way.
SCORE: 6 LONG TIMES AGO OUT OF 10 LONG TIMES AGO.