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REVIEW: SPLATOON 2 (Nintendo Switch)

14/8/2017

9 Comments

 
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GUEST REVIEW by SUPER BAD ADVICE

​When she was little, my Mum used to think that to be able to clap people had to attach metal ‘clackers’ to their hands to make the noise. Bonkers as this sounds (sorry, Mum), it’s a perfect example of coming to a logical conclusion when you don’t have anything else to go on.
 
It’s much like how clueless ancient types came up with stuff like bird-faced sun gods, the idea of the Earth being flat and Skeletor to explain all the crazy goings on that happened that they were too dense to understand.
 
Of course, it’s easy to assume that once you become a mega-intelligent grown-up with a bulging, knowledge-sodden cerebellum like a Mekon that you’d be well past putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 9 billion.

​But apparently not, as my initial ham-fisted adventures with Splatoon 2 proved.
​GENUINELY TERRIBLE
Y'see, I was terrible at it. Not just "oh it’s a new game, I need to practice" terrible, but genuinely terrible. I was constantly the worst on my team, well behind on points and so on.
 
No matter what I tried – different controller sensitivity, different weapons, different controls altogether – it just didn’t work for me at all and I couldn’t hit stuff. I may as well have been operating the controller by placing it across the room and throwing apples at it.
 
I was fine painting the floor and walls (like the original Splatoon from the Wii U, covering the 4 vs 4 arenas in paint is your path to victory – the team with the most colour coverage at the end of the round wins). I just couldn’t win against opponents in a shoot-out – which is a considerable handicap in a shooting game. It cut down what I could do to literally a watching paint dry simulator.
 
Then came the epiphany. Or more accurately, then came me shouting “Aaaargh! It’s so bleeding obvious!” after I read a post on an Internet forum called “Splatoon tips for beginners”. And what that post said was simply this: Don’t aim at the floor. Which is, as you may have guessed, EXACTLY what I’d been doing – I’d assumed I was playing the game the right way, but in hindsight had based that on precisely buggerall .
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AIM AT THE FLOOR
​In a normal shooter, you’d obviously never aim at the floor. You’d aim at the invariably drab-hued enemy coming at you with some sort of firearm or sharp thing. Splatoon, of course, is anything but a normal shooter, having been bludgeoned into something entirely new and unique by the bods at Nintendo HQ after they’d consumed another vast portion of Mr Miyamoto’s secret ‘originality juice’ (gin mixed with superglue and dishwasher tablets).
 
But just because a game looks fresh, bright and colourful and adds something to a genre so stale that if it were bread you could use it to cut diamonds, it doesn’t mean it plays entirely differently. And that’s where I was going wrong. I couldn’t react in time to win gunfights, because I was always starting out looking at the floor where I’d been painting rather than at my opponent.
 
Without realising it, I was effectively hobbling myself as much as a cowboy who turns up for a high noon duel blindfold and covered in vaseline so he can’t grip his gun. And also he hasn’t got a gun, but just an enraged groundhog in a sack.

A GOOD DEFENCE
In my defence, it’s not an entirely stupid error (well OK it is, but indulge me as it’ll make me feel less daft). After all, you don’t paint walls by looking out of the window or at your shoes. You look at what you’re doing. But that was the key – what you’re really doing in Splatoon 2 is playing a shooter. A competitive, twitchy, fast-paced one at that, with a surprisingly high skill level – this is no watered-down feeble kids game, Nintendo naysayers.
 
So while the painting needs to happen, it’s actually a passive thing – because unlike bullets that tend to carry on until they hit someone’s squishy parts, paint is a lot sloppier and thoroughly un-missile-like. Gravity will handle covering everywhere in digital Dulux, so there’s no need to look down as the paint will just slop down itself like a pigeon that’s had a heart attack mid flight. All you need to do is pull the trigger.
 
Once I had that sorted in my head, I was off and running. Admittedly I’m still not exactly world class, but I can at least hold my own against opponents without wondering how on Earth everyone else could react so supernaturally fast. And in turn, playing Splatoon 2 has gone from intriguing but hugely frustrating to a great deal of fun indeed.
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CORE BLIMEY!
​Aside from the core competitive play (with local, casual and ranked variants), there’s also a half-decent single-player mode, a horde mode, and more customisation options than you can shake a cephalopod at.
 
It looks gorgeous in all its luminous vibrancy, and matches are too short and sweet for the grumpy bitterness you get in a lot of other competitive shooters to set in. It’s also a perfect match for the Switch’s USP and great for a quick blast on the go.
 
The only real downsides are it isn’t a huge leap forward over the original (but seeing as only about 14 people owned a Wii U, probably not a worry for most), and Nintendo’s in-game chat/invite system being via a smartphone app is a bit cumbersome to say the least. Other than that though, it’s exactly what it sets out to be – the most charming, fun and different shooter you’ll probably have played in a long time (as long as you didn’t play the original).
 
Just remember – idiots need not apply. DON’T AIM AT THE FLOOR!
 
SCORE: OCTOpus out of TENtacles 
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
​THE 10 BEST FIGHTING FANTASY COVERS EVER
THE 10 WORST FIGHTING FANTASY COVERS EVER

ARE THESE THE WORST COMPUTER SHOP NAMES EVER?
9 Comments
Dangerous Dave
14/8/2017 09:07:36 am

I'm really enjoying this game at the moment! It's not quite as welcoming as the first game is (as there is a heavier focus on combat this time around), but it's incredibly addictive. Also, not to excuse Nintendo's poor efforts at a party chat system for their consoles, but it's an added bonus being able to play a game online with minimal communication.

Mario Kart 8 works in much the same way that I can have a bad game and not be verbally abused for it. In Splatoon my team can't get angry at me if I've had a bad game. A particular player cannot taunt me if they've splatted me a hundred times. It's great.

I play Rocket League occassionally and although mic chat is a rare thing, the so-called 'banter' and abuse from players still bleeds through the text chat. You'll be quickly mocked or moaned at for failing to save an incredible shot at goal, or missing a sitter at the other end of the pitch. Whilst I can understand the frustrations other players may have, it puts a level of pressure on you that really saps your enjoyment of the game. I choose not to play out of fear I may suffer a heart attack on my sofa if a game isn't completely on-sided.

Nintendo have, accidentally, done a great job at eliminating that kind of atmosphere from there games and after a 3 minute round of Splatoon, you can take a loss on the chin and start all over again, free from death threats and conversation involving somebody claiming to have slept with your mum. Even though they're likely 12 years old and wouldn't know where to begin.

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Yollsown
14/8/2017 09:41:24 am

But isn't the mocking and the moaning just par for the course? I'd expect the same if I missed a sitter IRL....maybe the 'bantz' flowing through in text form is causing you to read it in a contemptuous tone

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Spiney O'Sullivan
14/8/2017 12:55:02 pm

I think the trouble is that genuine "bantz" requires a certain amount of cameraderie that you build up over time with people. The kind of teasing that happens in person with friends just isn't the same when it's from some random you've never met but who apparently boasts in-depth knowledge of your sexual proclivities.

And your Mum's.

Biscuits
14/8/2017 04:38:45 pm

Good review SBA, the front n' centre corporate cozying put me off the first one but I don't know if I'll be able to resist this...assuming I ever get a Switch of course (prospects: dwindling)

How do you send pictures to each other on this one?

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Super Bad Advice
14/8/2017 07:10:56 pm

What, the in-game sketches? There’s a little booth in the plaza where you can add them. Some people’s pixel art is absolutely amazing (not mine though - I just have an appalling scrawl that says “I can’t draw”)

Reply
Starbuck
14/8/2017 07:39:21 pm

Wish I'd learnt the Don't Aim At The Floor advice in Number 1 a couple of years back. Hard to break that instinctual urge to splatter the floor. Or your mum.

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Jareth Smith
15/8/2017 01:25:23 pm

I've really enjoyed it so far and find it to be a significant stop above the first one. It's just great to see something other than all those CoD and GTA clones which clog the bowels of the PS4 and Xbox One. It's really driven me away from those two consoles and they just gather dust now.

Still, the whole Splatoon thing... double entendre overload.

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PS4 and Xbox One CoD and GTA Clone
15/8/2017 03:40:50 pm

What did I ever do to you?

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Cherry Smyth
15/8/2017 06:30:05 pm

So it was Splatoon 2 that finally drove you away from your beloved xbox and ps4? You must have gotten a good few years enjoyment out of them.Sorry to hear they are now, at last, collecting dust. That's quite an impressive back catalogue though

I knew WiiU was crap

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