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REVIEW: RESIDENT EVIL VII 4D CANDLE

7/3/2017

21 Comments

 
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What a time this is.

Back when I was growing up in the 70s, my parents always ensured there was a supply of candles in the cupboard under the sink. This was in the event of a power cut, an occurrence so frequent that - as I just mentioned (in the previous sentence) - we had a supply of candles in the cupboard under the sink. 

They were just regular candles of course. White ones, about the length and girth of a bratwurst. You know the ones: default candles. Yer basic ones, which didn't do anything other than illuminate. Although, at a stretch, I suppose I could've thrust one at my father's face, to burn off his eyelashes. That might have passed a minute or two while I waited for the telly to come back on. Oh well...

Back then, the only time candles ever came close to being whimsical was on birthdays. These "birthday candles" weren't kept in the cupboard under the sink, but were in the junk draw in the kitchen. Alas, they didn't smell of anything, apart from a faint whiff of burning, once you'd blown them out.

Now, candles come in all shapes, sizes, and scents; Raspberry Regret, Midsummer Toast, Herman's Private Request, Railway Baguette, Glazed Walnut, Duckhenry Responds... etc.

You even get shops which sell nothing but these stinking candles. Indeed, the top celebrity, Bob "Spit The Dog" Carolgees owns a candle shop. Which, sadly, he chose not to call 'Bob's Candle Wheeze'.
Until recently, candles only ever existed in three dimensions, or something. But get this: now, you can get an actual four-dimensional candle, designed to enhance your experience of the video game Resident Evil VII.

SHOPKEEPER: How can I help you, sir? 

CUSTOMER: Candles. 4D Candles.

SHOPKEEPER: Here you are, sir: a set of traditional Norwegian dolls, which I have placed inside a tin. You know: fjord-y can-dolls.

CUSTOMER: Not fjord-y can-dolls! 4D candles. You know: candles what do exist in four dimensions.

The Shopkeeper starts foaming at the mouth, farts, and dies.
THE STENCH OF HORROR
The Resident Evil VII 4D candle is billed as "horror-scented", and is designed to enhance the experience of playing Resident Evil VII, by smelling like the creepy house in which the game traps you.

Specifically, it claims to offer: "The scent of horror, fear and adrenaline."

What does horror smell like? Blood and other intestinal juices, presumably. What about fear and adrenaline? Surprisingly, they don't smell like a pair of pooey pants.

According to a 2008 study, when people are scared they release a chemical pheromone through their sweat-holes. Other people can detect these pheromones, and respond in kind. Basically, fear is contagious (imagine going to a doctor and telling them you contracted cowardice from a candle).

In the study, scientists exposed volunteers to two types of sweat; sweat from exercise, and sweat exuded by people who were about to jump out of a plane. Apparently, volunteers' amygdala and hypothalamus - the brain regions associated with fear - became more active in those who breathed in the "fear" sweat.

At the very least, I was hoping that when I smelled the Resident Evil VII 4D candle, I would have a more active amygdala. Unfortunately, my amygdala didn't do anything. For me at least, the 4D candle didn't really smell at all, unless I shoved my beak right into it.

The smell I picked up when I did that was - specifically - the smell of a fake fire, which reminded me of the Jorvik Viking Centre in York, where you a ride around a pretend Viking village as artificial scents are whispered into your face.

I found it quite pleasant, but get a foot or more away and I couldn't smell a thing, apart from my own inherent fetor. 
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"SMELL MY LIPS"
CLENCH
My other half has a far better sense of smell than I do. For this reason, I spend much of my life with a clenched sphincter, for fear of letting slip a "racy compliment", which she'd be able to detect from some 500 yards away.

I've been doing it so long that this has become my default state. She's of the belief that there's something wrong with me, because - as far as she knows - I never, ever, let slip a "lively tribute".

Anyway, flatus aside, she rather likes the smell of the 4D candle, describing it as "A mixture of sandalwood and spice, with a subtle hint of lemon".

Indeed, she had it lit yesterday while she was working, simply because she "likes the smell". I had a good look, and it didn't seem as if her amygdala was more active than usual, but I suppose it's quite hard to tell, if somebody isn't jumping around, looking actively for threats.

Given this, I can only judge that the Resident Evil VII 4D Candle is a massive fail. If the candle is meant to evoke fear and horror while playing a video game - and somebody is lighting it up because it "smells nice" - then that's not really very good.

I mean, the mansion in Resident Evil VII doesn't look like it smells nice. The kitchen alone was full of rotting food.

CANDLESTICK PARK
Also, let's take issue with the name, shall we? What makes this candle any more four dimensional than all other candles, which also exist in a single interwoven spacetime continuum? Aren't all candles, in a sense, 4D? Presumably, they're borrowing the term from "4D" cinema - where a scratch and sniff card, or having a mammal 'pulted into your face by a member of staff - is enough to justify the tag.

Digitiser's Mr Hairs and I once went to the Munich Beer Festival, where we shared our own encounter with "4D" entertainment.

For those who haven't had the pleasure, the Oktoberfest takes place in a large park, and is basically a bunch of aircraft hangar-sized temporary sheds full of Bavarian drunks wearing lederhosen, foreign businessmen, and oompah-pah bands. It's rather awesome, and right in the middle of it all is a huge fun fair.

When we visited, one of the fairground attractions had a name which might be familiar to fans of Biffovision and Mr Biffo's Found Footage: Sensorium Part III. It was a "4D" laser show, which accompanied laser projectionss of, say, blue whales, with splashes of water, or smoke, or bubbles.

Anyway. Point is... given the effort on the part of the creators of Sensorium Part III - which was in its own way sort of quietly impressive - I'm not sure a bit of nice smell really justifies the 4D monicker. Especially given that the smell itself is barely consistent with the content of the game.

But then, I suppose they had to do something to try and justify the fifteen quid asking price

SUMMARY: An overpriced pleasant smell.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
​REVIEW: NINTENDO SWITCH
​
REVIEW: RESIDENT EVIL 7 (PS4, XBOX ONE, PC - PS4 VERSION TESTED)​
21 Comments
Biscuits the character
7/3/2017 11:23:43 am

When you teased the candle I wondered what it could smell like. The only artificial smell i've encountered that was intended to be scary is the quite nice 'damp embers' smell they pipe into the Haunted House at Alton Towers, if that still exists anymore. It sounds like the candle smells like that too. £15 though!!!!! They can ruddy well swivel




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Biscuits
7/3/2017 11:25:18 am

I'll pick up a half melted one with a fag-end and some pubes stuck in it from CEX in a week, it'll probably only be £12.50

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David W
7/3/2017 11:31:48 am

Now that's a scary candle.

Picston Shottle
7/3/2017 02:28:15 pm

I bought the missis a candle for Christmas. It was a Jo Malone one. It's huge and it cost me fortune (think Switch plus a couple of games and you're not far off). But, she loves it and thought it was the best present ever. I would have preferred to spend the money on a Switch and a couple of games or, you know, anything except a fuck off big candle.

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Roy (Stuart N Hardy fan)
7/3/2017 05:11:55 pm

Over 300 sovs on a candle!!!! Fark me! (Statement, not request)

I wouldn't spend that much on our dog. And I love him much more than her!

Biscuits
7/3/2017 05:24:03 pm

Was it the amusingly named 'Pomegranate Noir'?

Picston Shottle
7/3/2017 09:17:06 pm

Yup - Pomegranate Noir is the one. And yeah, it smells ok. It probably smells better than 400 burning dollar bills, if I'm honest.

Roy (Stuart N Hardy fan)
7/3/2017 12:03:09 pm

This candle would be of no use to me as I was born without a sense of smell. I'm special.
It would explain why the Mrs always blames the dog whenever there's a loud rasping noise to be heard.
And he's out in the garden.

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Urine James link
7/3/2017 12:07:48 pm

Ooh candle reviews, now you're talking. Do the Yankee Candle Man Town edition next, please.

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Spiney O'Sullivan
7/3/2017 12:28:55 pm

I suspect that the candle's actual purpose is to cover up any odours when players soil themselves out of fear while playing using their VR terror-goggles.

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Barrybarrybarrybarry
7/3/2017 12:41:47 pm

You're reviewing candles? Instead of the new Switch games??

Good! I really enjoyed this. I'm not sure why. Well, I am sure why, I found it funny, but I'm not sure why this above other things. Thanks, Mr Biffo.

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Hamptonoid
10/3/2017 09:50:30 pm

I also laughed uncontrollably at this...

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Bryan
7/3/2017 04:06:14 pm

I'm not interested in the Resi candle, my mind went elsewhere at the mention of Bob Carolgees Candle Emporium. Can you review his candles next please? Do you get a free Spit the Dog with each purchase? I need to know this

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Monkey Head
8/3/2017 11:00:49 am

I've visited Bob Carolgees' candle shop a few times, basically I was dragged in there but it was quite nice once in there. Bob was there, he seemed quite chilled and was friendly enough. If I remember correctly the was a picture of him with Spit behind the counter. If you're ever in the area it's at a place called Lady Heyes just outside Frodsham, there are also second hand book stalls there, a nice cafe and an undertaker's for dogs/pets.

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NDrinks
7/3/2017 04:10:55 pm

Sensorium Part III sounds like the best thing since The Black Hole at Alton Towers.

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Roy (Stuart N Hardy fan)
7/3/2017 04:18:47 pm

I had one or two black holes at Chessington in me yoof.
Never Alton Towers though.
I've always been far too refined and Southern to sink to those depths.
Innit.

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A kid called Dave
7/3/2017 04:30:26 pm

Ahh yes, Jorvik viking centre where they have one of my dead ancestors laying under glass for bus loads of bored school kids to gawp at and remind each and every one of those rotten little snot bags that they too will one day be dead.

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Clive Peppard
7/3/2017 04:52:46 pm

The 4th dimension is time.

Regardless of its scent if it doesnt alter time in some way its a trades description claim.

The real smell of fear can be found in any staff room at about 10 to 9 in the morning, its a mix of fags, coffee and that impending sense of another day of dealing with other peoples kids.

Im not a teacher but i may have married one..

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Spiney O'Sullivan
7/3/2017 05:28:34 pm

This always bothers me at cinemas. Einstein didn't say that the 4th dimension was "water being squirted at you". Do you think you're smarter than Einstein, Cineworld?

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Col
7/3/2017 05:49:23 pm

E= M sea squirted.

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Sean Buckingham
7/3/2017 10:59:39 pm

I'm enjoying this new candle review direction. However, it needs to follow the established candle description format as shown on the website of one of the nation's favourite waxy content provider.
It should apparently describe the 'top', 'mid', and 'base' nose flavour combinations.
An example of 'Lake Sunset' is provided below:

Top: Pineapple, Mango, Frangipani (Plumeria), Pear, Orange
Mid: Ozone, Powdery, Floral, Lily Of The Valley, Freesia
Base: Musk, Woody, Oriental, Vanilla, Creamy Notes, Patchouli
Top note is the initial impression of the fragrance, middle note is the main body of the scent and base is its final impression.

I look forward to your updated review at a later time. I would also welcome reviews of: Kilimanjaro Stars, My Serenity and Summer Scoop.

Reply



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