So very, very dull. Brrm brrrrrrm. That's the noise cars make, isn't it? And aren't cars exciting?
It's no wonder Jeremy Clarkson keeps punching producers in the mouth - spending all day surrounded by cars, he's probably in a near-constant state of over-excitement, and has no other outlet for the gallons of adrenaline that are coursing through his veins, like a furious river.
So. Yeah. Phwoar. Cars, eh? Cars! Cars cars cars. Cars-y, cars-y cars. Cars go fast, and cars are shiny, and cars look like massive, roaring penises, and... no - wait. What? That's not right. That's not right at all. Let's start again.
Let's start like this: cars are boring. In fact, cars so boring they should change their name to "dullwagons". Hah. HA HA.
HA HA HA HA!!!!
See, you may think you love cars, but you'd be terribly mistaken. Cars are not interesting, and there's no point you spending tens of thousands of pounds on a brand new car to paper over your depression, instead of, y'know, getting a 12 year-old Vauxhall Zafira, or something, and saving the money to buy crisps. Lots and lots of crisps. Push those feelings down with crisps. Cars are for getting from A to B, and being filled with discarded McDonald's packaging. Fact.
So now that we've revealed all this, you might as well cancel your subscription to Top Gear magazine, and burn your Stig calendar, and forget about that holiday to the Nürburgring. Cars, and all things to do with cars (except crashes and stunts and car washes), are achingly, crushingly, tiresome and awful and insipid and we hate them.
It's no wonder Jeremy Clarkson keeps punching producers in the mouth - spending all day surrounded by cars, he's probably in a near-constant state of over-excitement, and has no other outlet for the gallons of adrenaline that are coursing through his veins, like a furious river.
So. Yeah. Phwoar. Cars, eh? Cars! Cars cars cars. Cars-y, cars-y cars. Cars go fast, and cars are shiny, and cars look like massive, roaring penises, and... no - wait. What? That's not right. That's not right at all. Let's start again.
Let's start like this: cars are boring. In fact, cars so boring they should change their name to "dullwagons". Hah. HA HA.
HA HA HA HA!!!!
See, you may think you love cars, but you'd be terribly mistaken. Cars are not interesting, and there's no point you spending tens of thousands of pounds on a brand new car to paper over your depression, instead of, y'know, getting a 12 year-old Vauxhall Zafira, or something, and saving the money to buy crisps. Lots and lots of crisps. Push those feelings down with crisps. Cars are for getting from A to B, and being filled with discarded McDonald's packaging. Fact.
So now that we've revealed all this, you might as well cancel your subscription to Top Gear magazine, and burn your Stig calendar, and forget about that holiday to the Nürburgring. Cars, and all things to do with cars (except crashes and stunts and car washes), are achingly, crushingly, tiresome and awful and insipid and we hate them.
Look: boring. DULL
So, we may find cars boring, but - and this might surprise you - we actually like a good racing game. Though, of course, we probably all have a different view of what constitutes a good racing game.
To the best of our knowledge, there are three types of racing games: racing games like Mario Kart 8, which are fun and colourful and have no interest in pretending to be real; racing games like Burnout or Forza, which seem grown-up at first glance, but are actually highly silly and instantly playable; and games like Gran Turismo that are the video game equivalent of being stuck with someone who just wants to drone on about his share portfolio all evening.
Can you guess which type of racing game we like the least? That's right: it's the latter type - the simulation. And can you guess which type of racing game Project CARS is? Yes. Yes - that's also correct. That last one.
MORE BORING
Fact is, if there's one thing more boring than cars themselves, it's writing about cars. One of the most awful and psychologically scarring things that ever happened to Digitiser2000's Mr Biffo was being commissioned to write a 4,000-word review of some ruddy motorbike racing game - and now that he's doing this job for coins he's not about to self-harm like that ever again.
If you'd like a review of Project CARS that goes into detail, and gets excited by the physics, and the authenticity, well... that's what Google is for.
In short: if you enjoy sensible car simulations, and would like one that doesn't hold your hand - but offers you a ton of options (you can tweak almost anything in the game - dialling it all down for a more arcade-y experience - much appreciated around our parts - or right up for an even more boring and frustrating challenge) - you'll probably love Project CARS.
There are 60+ real-life brrm-brrms, a ton of real-life tracks, it does a good job of immersing you in feeling like a racing driver (we enjoyed the pit crew radio messages that crackle from your PS4 joypad), and though there are better looking racing games out there, Project CARZZZzzzzzzzzZZZzzzz... zzzzzzz... prrrrrth.
Sorry. Our brain wont allow us to continue.
Project CARS, then. It's pretty good, if you like deep, dry, punishing racing sims, and want to pretend you're driving around Silverstone for the umpteenth time. In fact, it's probably the best, most exhaustive, straight-laced racing sim on the current-consoles. Now off you go then...
Oh! But wait, Graham! Come back!
We do have one final word: there are a few bugs (we were literally bumped around a track by a CPU-controlled driver during one race, and some of the online races seemed to get off to a glitchy start).
Anyway, that's really it. That's your review. Whatevs.
SUMMARY: Grown-up, exhaustive, polished, but lacking character and a sense of fun. Let down only by a few AI bugs, and some online glitches, and by not being the sort of thing we'd usually choose to play. We can't love everything, guy.
SCORE: 71.5mph out of 120.42kph.
So, we may find cars boring, but - and this might surprise you - we actually like a good racing game. Though, of course, we probably all have a different view of what constitutes a good racing game.
To the best of our knowledge, there are three types of racing games: racing games like Mario Kart 8, which are fun and colourful and have no interest in pretending to be real; racing games like Burnout or Forza, which seem grown-up at first glance, but are actually highly silly and instantly playable; and games like Gran Turismo that are the video game equivalent of being stuck with someone who just wants to drone on about his share portfolio all evening.
Can you guess which type of racing game we like the least? That's right: it's the latter type - the simulation. And can you guess which type of racing game Project CARS is? Yes. Yes - that's also correct. That last one.
MORE BORING
Fact is, if there's one thing more boring than cars themselves, it's writing about cars. One of the most awful and psychologically scarring things that ever happened to Digitiser2000's Mr Biffo was being commissioned to write a 4,000-word review of some ruddy motorbike racing game - and now that he's doing this job for coins he's not about to self-harm like that ever again.
If you'd like a review of Project CARS that goes into detail, and gets excited by the physics, and the authenticity, well... that's what Google is for.
In short: if you enjoy sensible car simulations, and would like one that doesn't hold your hand - but offers you a ton of options (you can tweak almost anything in the game - dialling it all down for a more arcade-y experience - much appreciated around our parts - or right up for an even more boring and frustrating challenge) - you'll probably love Project CARS.
There are 60+ real-life brrm-brrms, a ton of real-life tracks, it does a good job of immersing you in feeling like a racing driver (we enjoyed the pit crew radio messages that crackle from your PS4 joypad), and though there are better looking racing games out there, Project CARZZZzzzzzzzzZZZzzzz... zzzzzzz... prrrrrth.
Sorry. Our brain wont allow us to continue.
Project CARS, then. It's pretty good, if you like deep, dry, punishing racing sims, and want to pretend you're driving around Silverstone for the umpteenth time. In fact, it's probably the best, most exhaustive, straight-laced racing sim on the current-consoles. Now off you go then...
Oh! But wait, Graham! Come back!
We do have one final word: there are a few bugs (we were literally bumped around a track by a CPU-controlled driver during one race, and some of the online races seemed to get off to a glitchy start).
Anyway, that's really it. That's your review. Whatevs.
SUMMARY: Grown-up, exhaustive, polished, but lacking character and a sense of fun. Let down only by a few AI bugs, and some online glitches, and by not being the sort of thing we'd usually choose to play. We can't love everything, guy.
SCORE: 71.5mph out of 120.42kph.
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