Oh, how its craven subjects would crowd beneath this bounteous and benevolent nozzle, mouths agape to sample its syrupy banquet.
That would be pretty strange, wouldn't it? Now forget all about that, because it has absolutely nothing to do with the video game, Life is Strange.
At its core, Life is Strange is indebted to the point and click adventure games of the past.
Most obviously, it ditches a side-on, 2D graphical style with something more acceptably contemporary, but the most profound change is in terms of its subject matter. Rather than, say, the borderline Type-A adventuring and mysteries seen in those point and click adventures of yore, it adds angsty teen drama to the mix.
Sexting, casual drug use, cliques, social media, people talking about illegally downloading movies, how growing up is, like, so totally yeah, and step-parents are, such, like, douchebags, man... are stirred into the traditional blend of mystery and adventuring.
You play Max, an 18 year-old girl with a passion for photography, who has returned to the small coastal town she grew up in, after five years living in Seattle. Now attending the local college, she finds herself swept up in the disappearance of a girl, a conspiracy revolving around the town's richest family, and the visions she's been having about the imminent destruction of everythii-iiiii-i-iiiing...
Fortunately, Max has also somehow acquired a set of special abilities, allowing her to rewind time a short distance. It's not a unique gameplay mechanic - we've seen it before in games like Braid - but it's one that's utilised well by Life is Strange. Mostly, Max can use it to influence character interactions - the outcomes of which will impact on the story going forward - as well as the usual puzzles.
It's character and story that Life is Strange really has going for it. Though it drops the ball slightly in Episode 4, through some irritating and laborious puzzles - there's a concluding fifth episode still to come - everything leading up to that point will keep you gripped.
That is, providing you can get past a few comically sinister characters (particularly Samuel the janitor - who might as well end every sentence with "Samuel is ever so creepy he is"), and the slightly grating and cliched American teen drama - at points it was only the fruity language and incessant drug references that stopped this feeling like a show on Nickleodeon.
It's an apt comparison, however. Life is Strange does feel more like a TV show than a game - the visual language it uses to tell its story is very TV-like. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but the more you get away from a game feeling like a game, the more jarring it becomes when your character starts doing the sorts of things that games characters do.
You know: such as going through every drawer and cupboard in somebody's bedroom looking for clues, while they're sat on the bed, apparently oblivious. Or when two characters are having a conversation, and it becomes clear from the inflection in their voices that the actors recorded their dialogue at completely different times.
But that's us being a bit churlish. Life is Strange, for the most part, will keep you gripped. There are moments of real poignancy, the visuals get a good balance between stylised and photorealistic, and you might even come to actually care about some of the characters.
It might not be as progressive as some would have us believe - strip away the contemporary story content, and lose the time travel, and you have a pretty traditional adventure game.
But arriving as it does in bite-sized chunks, it just about manages to ration out enough of its story to prevent you from advocating that everyone between the ages of 15 and 20 should be euthanised.
SCORE: 8.1212222 out of 10.311144