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REVIEW-IN-PROGRESS: HAVE A LOOK AT THESE SHITTING BABIES WHILE I TELL YOU WHAT I THINK OF THE PS4 VERSION OF 'TOM CLANCY'S THE DIVISION' THUS FAR

11/3/2016

8 Comments

 
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Being some sort of hilarious slapstick idiot, I really badly burnt my thumb earlier this week.

It was quite a nasty burn - the skin split, like it had been sliced with a knife. And - ha ha - just when it was starting to scab over, I dropped my laptop, and it sliced the scab off, and there was blood everywhere.

Anyway - this is all unnecessary preamble to tell you this: I'm a bit late getting Tom Clancy's The Division reviewed, due to this thumb injury. It's a big game, as Ubisoft games tend to be, so I thought I'd give you a bit of a review-in-progress/first-thoughts sort of a thing. 

And here are those thoughts, illustrated with a gallery of babies doing a lovely poo.

18. This game would be baffling if you didn't already know how video games do things. Remember when manuals weren't just a flimsy pamphlet full of nothing but copyright info, and a plug for the publisher's website, but actually explained the game?
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17. Because its an online-only game,  you have to download a massive patch before you can start playing. Remember when you used to be able to just play a game the minute you got home with it? Do you? Mm? Do you remember that as well?
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16. Slick opening sequence with real, live actors, sets up yet another post-apocalyptic scenario: a virus is spread through money that exchanges hands on Black Friday. It just about sets the scene, and what titular 'The Division' is - sort of - but doesn't do a lot else.
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15. The character creation screen isn't the most exhaustive ever seen - but who cares, right? I managed to make myself a very handsome man, with sweet brown eyes and no tattoos. 
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14. It's a very good-looking game, set in a snowy, post-Christmas, post-abandonment, New York. It's an open world game - of course - and certainly feels like you can go anywhere in Manhattan. We'll see how far that extends.
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13. The default weapons are next to useless - about as effective as shooting at enemies with cans of compressed air. And that includes the grenades.
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12. The menus and inventory are confusing, fiddly, and a bit off-putting. Feels like there's a lot of flash obscuring their effectiveness.
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11.  There's no jump button. Combat takes a while to get used to - as it it's more about cover and flanking than storming into action - but once it clicks into place, it's actually a lot of fun.
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10. After playing around with some of the skill options, the most vital of the initial choices is the 'pulse' - which gives you a 'detective mode'-style overview of your surroundings.
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9. The map is as confusing and unhelpful as the menu screens and inventory. Please stop with the 3D 'holographic' maps - they're never as good as 2D, top-down ones.
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8. The hub/home base is also a bit bewildering. Lots of other players just sort of hanging around - you can invite them to team up with you - but it's confusing, at least at first, as to who you're supposed to speak with regarding missions.
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7. New York really does feel very authentic and atmospheric, but this is seemingly not a game that's big on story - so heck knows what Tom Clancy's involvement was. It's all a bit written-on-the-back-of-a-fag packet-y.
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6. There are a few little bugs and glitches - mostly graphical - but playing online feels pretty solid and reliable thus far.
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5. Despite it looking like it'll be yet another Ubisoft map-mopper, they've actually done a pretty good job of making it feel different to all the others. 
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4. Not all those design choices are for the better, mind - some of them feel idiosyncratic for the sake of it.
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3. Though it wasn't as easy to get to grips with as most gung-ho shooters usually are, once you understand the rhythm of the gameplay, it really works - and feels distinct. Finding someone to play with will improve your experience, but it isn't essential.
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2. The characters literally couldn't be more bland. 
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1. I'll keep you posted.
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FROM THE ARCHIVE:
​REVIEW: FAR CRY PRIMAL (PS4, XBOX ONE, PC)
REVIEW: THE BUG BUTCHER (PC/MAC)
PROUD PARENTS: IF GAMES CHARACTERS HAD BABIES

8 Comments
Dirty-ape
11/3/2016 12:58:50 pm

Number 9 - are you sure that's not a picture of my uncle frank after he's had 8 pints?

Reply
Peppard
11/3/2016 01:54:35 pm

No 9 is Ted Cruz, clearly

Reply
Kelvin Green link
11/3/2016 02:30:06 pm

He dies in 2013, so I'd guess Clancy had little involvement in this one, unless Ubisoft are using ouija -- Ubija? Ho ho -- boards in their planning meetings.

I like that Black Friday idea; it's almost satirical, but would have perhaps worked better if the game had been released in November.

Reply
Mr Biffo
11/3/2016 02:39:33 pm

Well... yes, if he's dead that would explain the rather wafer-thin story...

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Chris... no, wait, I mean, Colin. Yes, Colin, that'll do.
12/3/2016 08:09:30 pm

I dunno.. I reckon even Tom Clancy's dead corpse could write something better than Pudsey: The Movie.

*hides*

Stay
11/3/2016 03:03:45 pm

Hopefully this game will be sat on the mat and not chewed by the dog.

I was considering creating a female avatar as I have been watching mens bottoms for the past 3 games and it's time for a change. But I wonder how much grief I would get online because of it?

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Superbeast 37
11/3/2016 05:45:13 pm

Black female avatar here. I wanted to look like Michonne but fell short through no fault of my own.

No one has said a word. My policy is to look at what everyone else has gone for and pick the opposite/least used.

Never had an issue with this policy in ANY game; in WoW I positively benefit from it.

Character customisation really is poor though. I normally spend an hour on the character customisation before I start playing. Even exploring all the possible options I was still done in 5 minutes and was left dissatisfied.

Pity as the advantage of this game over Destiny is that you can actually see your character when playing (not just in the Tower) so limiting the character design and feeling of character attachment is really dumb.

On the plus side, if I ran around with a bright purple mohican it might break immersion for other players!

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Richfork
11/3/2016 07:58:07 pm

Thank you for reminding me what the story premise was, Biffo. I was in the kitchen making a cuppa when this was on and missed it completely. Six hours in and the game hasn't addressed it since, so I'm constructing my own character motivation that I'm here to eventually find out who left out all the goddamn BINS.

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