Of course, the people who talk this way are usually, UKIP supporters, Daily Mail editorial staff, and your grandparents, but the fact is this: that England has never gone anywhere. Get out of the cities and it's still there - the village greens, the farms, the local pubs and rolling fields. A gentler, more peaceful, way of existing, if you like that sort of thing. It isn't some nostalgic fantasy; it's a place we recognise, and we've often driven through these villages, and worried we've become racists just for doing so.
But step away from the association with those who've appropriated such imagery for xenophobic or political means, and there's much about that so-called 'lost' England that we appreciate. It's pretty, and it's slow, and we sort of love it, even though we know that - beneath the surface - everyone has a secret.
Which, being a metropolitan and modern sort, Biffo didn't bother dissuading him of - but the fact of the matter is, when you're in searing agony because you've just fractured your arm, you don't need some bloke cracking jokes about you having a limp wrist. But still - oooh! - just look at that pretty sunset!
Anyway. Where the Hell were we?
Yes. So. It's this England that we find in Everybody's Gone to the Rapture. Pretty, slow, full of secret stories, and we sort of love it. Sums the game up nicely.
For a while now, games have been exploring new ways of telling stories. For the time being, it seems that the industry has decided en masse that non-linearity - with the player as a disembodied observer - is the way forward (until somebody comes up with something better). We're not telling "our" story, but watching the stories of others.
Everybody's Gone to the Rapture pushes gameplay aside, to let its tale take centre stage without too much getting in the way. It's a first-person game, but short of movement controls (and despite early outrage, there IS a run button - it's still frustratingly sluggish to use, however), there isn't much to it.
It's a game of discovery - wander the seemingly idyllic Shropshire village, looking for story fragments that will allow you to piece together the Marie Celeste-style disappearance of its residents. Follow glowing orbs, and unlock ghostly scenes that - over the game's six hours - reveal more of the initially mundane lives of those affected. Something big has gone down in this place, and you are set to discover what.
In some respects, Rapture is a game we've wanted for years. There's no combat, nothing to get in the way of just exploring the location, and taking in the utterly gorgeous visuals, and soaking up a stunning choral soundtrack.
We confess that a big aspect of what we enjoyed is our familiarity with the locale - we recognise it as places we've been. We recognise our lives in the stories of the residents. We enjoyed the soft unfurling of the story, and the ultimate revelations.
To bang on too much about what they are is to reveal too much of what made our time with Rapture so rewarding. It's easier to talk of the themes - how people take solace in religion and relationships, and how we are never entirely prepared for what is about to befall us.
Yet it's not perfect, and it isn't for everyone. The story will grip you, but ultimately the threads don't entirely dovetail in a satisfying way. Plus, for a game about the end of the world, it's remarkably gentle, slow even with the run button, and it's atypically and unusually English (and not even British at that). The pace is going to drive some people mad, but we loved it - and we loved how the story, art and sound all worked in perfect harmony.
Not every game needs to be done at breakneck speed, and not every game needs to keep the player awake with repetitive action beats. Consequently, the events of Rapture will likely stay with you longer than anything from a Call of Duty or Wolfenstein.
Everybody's Gone to the Rapture is part of a growing genre that's offering an antidote to pretty much everything else out there. We're not wholly convinced this sort of non-linear explore 'em up is going to be the future of interactive storytelling, but this is definitely another welcome step in its evolution.
Especially if you're a racist.
SUMMARY: Beautiful and haunting storytelling.
SCORE: 9.31241254 out of 12.344411/4214
IMPORTANT UPDATE: EVERYBODY'S CHANGED THEIR MIND by Mr Biffo