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REVIEW: DINO DINI'S KICK-OFF REVIVAL (PS4)

25/6/2016

46 Comments

 
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Dreadful old people... you remember Kick Off don't you? Released at the dirty-end of the 1980s, for the Amiga and Atari ST - before being ported to everything else, one way or another - it was the connoisseur's football game. 

To be honest, I was always more of a Sensi Soccer boy. But... y'know, for a few years there, Kick Off was the football game for the discerning. Obviously, the few times I tried to play it, I found the damn thing impossible to control, and gave up... but that's me. If something's difficult, I find it best not to persevere.

​And this is why the floor of my home is littered with the discarded pieces from jigsaw puzzles, ripped-up sudoku books, and musical instruments. 

It's possibly fair to suggest that part of Kick Off's popularity was its branding. It wasn't just Kick Off... it was, we were told often, Dino Dini's Kick Off. Not anybody else's. Somehow, we all knew it was the Kick Off that Dino Dini done. Yes, that's right: THE Dino Dini. You know: the Dino Dini who made the game Dino Dini's Kick Off.

Dat's not all Dino Dini done dough. In the five years after Dino Dini's Kick Off, Dino Dini done Dino Dini's Player Manager, Dino Dini done Dino Dini's Kick Off 2, Dino Dini done Dino Dini's GOAL!, and Dino Dini done Dino Dini's Soccer. 

That extensive and diverse CV has given Dino Dini (it's short for "Dinosaur Dinisaur") the right to finally - almost 30 years after the first Kick Off - receive the recognition he always deserved. Kick Off Revival is not just Kick Off Revival. It is - as the series always should've been branded - truly, trademarkedly, Dinosaur Dinisaur's Kick Off Revival.
REASONS TO BE CHEAP AND CHEERFUL
Unfortunately for Dino Dini, Dino Dini's Kick Off is a vile travesty.

I mean, I get that it's cheap and cheerful, and primarily aimed at fans of the original series. I get that it's sort of deliberately old-fashioned, and aiming to have a lo-fi charm. I get that the intention seems to be a back-to-basis approach to football games, which ditches the complex simulations now offered by FIFA and its ilk.

I get all that. But please... would some sort of tutorial have been out of the question? Or even a bit of paper explaining the controls? How about some game modes other than a derisory faux European Championship, and bog-standard two-player? There is a practice mode, but it's one of the most baffling nonsenses ever put in a game. Again, in part, because there's zero attempt at explaining to the player exactly what is going on in it. 

I even had to go online to work out how I was supposed to move the ball around the pitch - turns out, pressing X kind of lets you dribble, but then it still felt unwieldy. Keeping possession of the ball is more trial and error than anything. It also didn't help that half the time I challenged an opponent for the ball, I ended up fouling him, awarding the other side a free kick.

Equally baffling, the players seem to crowd around the goal, or just stand there, presumably wondering what led to them ending up mired in such a shambles.

And the visuals may have aimed at retro, but missed by about a fathom, coming off as just plain ugly, the sort of graphics a GCSE computer studies student would knock up over lunch. Furthermore, the sound is scarcely there, and when the crowd does roar it sounds like a wailing drunk dragging a metal garden chair across the foyer of a VD clinic. 
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DINO DINI DO NOT DO DIS AGAIN
Since I brought Digitiser back I've tried not to be too mean in the reviews. I've tried to be balanced and objective.

Even on big, triple-A games there are human beings on the receiving end of the criticism.

​When it comes to reviewing indie games, that criticism is borne by fewer shoulders. In the case of Kick-Off Revival... you're focusing on one man: Dinosaur Dinisaur.

But what's a boy to do? I honestly don't want to ruin anybody's day. I mean, it's unlikely that Dino will read this anyway, but you never know. Much as I don't really relish the idea of him reading me describing his game as a lavatory, what am I meant to do when it is a lavatory? When it seems to just discard basic fundamentals, such as explaining the controls to the player? 

And am I meant to make allowances for the fact it's under fifteen quid? I dunno. 

But in this instance I'll make a stab at being gracious: maybe all of the criticism above is because I'm missing the point. Maybe Kick-Off Revival isn't for me, in the same way that I never got the fuss about the original Kick-Off, or wouldn't like a dentist to thumb his pet cobra up my anus. 

SUMMARY: Dino Dini's Cack Off.
​SCORE: NIL-NIL

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
  • INTERVIEW: KEVIN "FOOTBALL MANAGER" TOMS
  • SAD BUT TRUE: SHORTLY AFTER THESE PHOTOS WERE TAKEN, THESE 90S GAMERS DISAPPEARED AND WERE NEVER SEEN AGAIN
  • WHAT WILL NOLAN BUSHNELL THINK OF ALL THESE MONKEYS WHO ARE TRYING TO LICK HIS BUM?PRESS REVEAL TO SEE WHAT THESE PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT ON THEIR COMPUTER SCREENS
46 Comments
Da5e
25/6/2016 05:05:33 pm

"it's unlikely that Dino will read this anyway"

I'm reasonably certain he googles himself rather frequently. It could all 'kick off' on here soon!

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Bingo
27/6/2016 12:34:37 pm

He just sarcastically tweeted a link to the review - brace yourselves!

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James
27/6/2016 03:19:11 pm

Apparently it's *not* short for Dinosaur Dinisaur:
https://twitter.com/dndn1011/status/747269743967670274

bileaxian
27/6/2016 07:19:05 pm

Don't worry, it'll be sorted soon!

http://i.giphy.com/Apy2Tpxixav9m.gif

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dacanesta
28/6/2016 12:38:35 am

How right you were! https://twitter.com/dndn1011/status/747391122364719104

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Dr Kank
25/6/2016 05:11:34 pm

I thought Dino Dini had retired from the video games industry to concentrate on his new Channel 4 teatime show, Come Dino With Me.

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colincidence link
26/6/2016 12:12:10 pm

Dino Or No Dini

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MrPSB
25/6/2016 06:32:39 pm

Kick Off wasn't the game for the discerning, it was the game for the people that like fucking terrible football games. As soon as literally anything else was on offer, i.e. Sensi, it became clear just how bad it smelt.

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LeighDappa
25/6/2016 06:41:44 pm

I thought 'Kick Off 3: European Challenge' was a good Game.

I still play it now...

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Ryu_38_
25/6/2016 07:20:04 pm

Hahahaha.....a nice little funny review.. :P
It's clear that you have no idea about what Kick off is and why we (fans) love it!!

No prob! You're not going to love i t anyway....you can't eve play it properly!! Plus you need a tutorial!! For a one button game!! One button!!!
Pes and Fifa use 8+ buttons + 2 analog sticks!! A nightmare...and you need a tutorial for a one button game!!! OMG....!!!

Nice review ;) I don;t think Dino needs to read it.....nothing to learn hear, just comedy ;) And a bad one ;)

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Ryu_38_
25/6/2016 07:28:11 pm

*corrections
.....can't *even* play it properly..
.....nothing to learn *here*...

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;)
28/6/2016 08:29:00 am

... ... ;) ...

Rich
25/6/2016 07:44:59 pm

"Plus you need a tutorial!! For a one button game!! One button!!! "

Yeah, except that Dino had to release four flow charts to explain it. The control system is legit bollocks. You clearly haven't played Revival or you'd know that.

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J Griffin
25/6/2016 10:20:36 pm

"and you need a tutorial for a one button game!!! OMG....!!!"

Anyone's who lived through the Amiga years would know it's perfectly possible to have a completely bobbins control system using just one button. I'd say some of the worst control system I ever experienced used that setup.

Just because it's simple doesn't mean you can't make a balls of it. If anything, from a design standpoint it's much harder to implement, as you're trying to fit several buttons worth of control options into a single one. Soooo many ways that can go arseways.

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Rich
25/6/2016 07:42:53 pm

The fact that Dino has gone on to publish a series of flow charts explaining the frankly risible controls is all you need to know. There's so much wrong with this game. I can play it, I can beat the AI fairly handily but it's cold, joyless and buggy. Even with better presentation it'd be a total lemon.

Most of the reviews are saying the same thing.

http://www.playstationcountry.com/game-review/kick-off-revival-ps4-review/

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R Barber
25/6/2016 07:52:07 pm

Kick Off always had a steep learning curve. The main thing you needed to get your head round was that the players weren't 'magnetic', ie the ball didn't automatically stick to their feet. It was conceptually more like pinball, with each player having 11 mobile, flippers, if you like. You mostly had to repeatedly nudge the ball wherever you wanted it to go.

This key difference probably seems even more bizarre, after 20 years of "sticky" football games. But it made Kick Off a game where a good player would always destroy a novice, and a game where your ability would gradually transform from 'laughable' to 'god-like'.

It was never about graphics or sound, it was about mastering a particular set of control dynamics, and refining and refining your micro-control and reaction times. It probably had more in common with table tennis, or air hockey, or multiball bagatelle, than the other strand of football-themed arcade games.

So yeah, basically, an ascetic hyper-speed pinball game, requiring a dollop of tactics and a dollop of special move techniques, which seemed initially unplayable and took a long time to master. But when you did... wow, so much fun. It's one of the few games that ever made me feel totally in the Flow State, maybe along with Tetris, Mutant Camels etc, but (in 2 player mode) was the most fun of all of them.

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Ken Masters
25/6/2016 11:49:34 pm

It always was and always will be crap no matter what the Kick Off apologists claim.

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Drino Droni
25/6/2016 08:09:57 pm

Kick Off wankers

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R Barber
25/6/2016 08:11:29 pm

Meant to add, that's all re KO2 rather than Revival, which I haven't played.

But I always felt that Kick Off could surely never work properly with joypads anyway - it needed microswitched joysticks because of the exacting micro-control mentioned previously. Maybe others would disagree, I dunno.

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Ken Masters
25/6/2016 11:50:12 pm

No, it was always crap. Sensi proved that.

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R Barber
26/6/2016 01:17:08 am

Go on then, persuade me. Bearing in mind that I got many hours of enjoyment out of it, so you'll have to convince me to retrospectively reevaluate my own subjective experience.

Dacanesta
26/6/2016 01:54:32 am

I came on to say the 2 key things you said: that it took mastery (and I. My case, after being one of those that didn't get it, watching some mates show how it can be done), and their stick precision. I know it's impossible with a pad coz of my Amiga emulator.
Now, those that didn't like it ie. Those that played it for 30 minutes and decided it was terrible forever coz, let's face it, they couldn't handle it.....firstly, I hope you view sex differently or else 'poor wives', and secondly, who do you think you are to tell people that they don't like what they like?! Hm?

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Paul Jon
26/6/2016 06:36:15 pm

I am going to assume pretty much everyone in the world views sex differently to how they view Kick Off. What an odd comparison.

Hamptonoid
26/6/2016 06:52:36 pm

Wait...there's a series of flowchart manual for sex? Why am I only finding this out now???

dacanesta
27/6/2016 04:18:50 am

Odd comparison my nelly! What about the old phrase 'its better than sex', which applies to anything thats......better than sex.
And howay! Start sexual experiences in late teens, fumble around a bit, have no idea whats going on and it all seems a bit fast and out of control, consider celibacy but solider on and then you get the gist of it and want more and more until you break your joystick. Perfect in my opinion!

Kara Van Park
25/6/2016 08:34:24 pm

The game to me always felt like you were pushing a scone with a runaway shopping trolley down a hill.

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Bully Beef
25/6/2016 08:56:19 pm

Nino Nini's Suck Off

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R Barber
25/6/2016 08:57:07 pm

One other point:

It's possibly fair to suggest that part of Kick Off's popularity was its branding. It wasn't just Kick Off... it was, we were told often, Dino Dini's Kick Off. Not anybody else's. Somehow, we all knew it was the Kick Off that Dino Dini done. Yes, that's right: THE Dino Dini. You know: the Dino Dini who made the game Dino Dini's Kick Off. (etc)

I'm not sure that IS fair actually. If you google up the box art for the original Kick Off games (1, 2, etc) you will see they were just known as "Kick Off", "Kick Off 2" etc. At some point, Dino Dini left the original publisher (Anco) but they kept the rights to the title "Kick Off". Hence them releasing "Kick Off 3" while Dino Dini wrote a new game called "Goal". I imagine that, not unreasonably, he wanted to highlight its lineage, and given that he obviously couldn't use "Kick Off", he probably felt "Dino Dini's Goal" was the best avenue available.

Unfortunately, Goal was nowhere near as good as KO2. But the self-aggrandisement insults seem a bit harsh. Or, at least, it's simply wrong to say the early games were called "Dino Dini's blah blah".

I suppose I care partially because of gratitude for the original games, but partially just because it seems undeservedly mean. Unless the guy is a bit of a scumbag for some genuine reason? - in which case I guess the laugh's on me.

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R Barber
25/6/2016 09:42:36 pm

OK, just been ferreting around, and it seems he IS a bit of a dick, as it happens. Sigh.

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Hamptonoid
25/6/2016 09:55:36 pm

I had kick off on the c64 (it was shit...so so so buggy), and I'd not heard of Dino dini until now. Pretty sure his name didn't feature on the box.

Pino Poptart
25/6/2016 09:12:18 pm

Kick Off was a revolutionary title. Top down football. Marvellous. Then the bastards at Sensible travelled back in time STOLE Dino's concept and programmed Microprose Soccer a year before Kick Off came out.

Completely unfair!

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Hamptonoid
25/6/2016 09:51:07 pm

Microprose soccer was excellent. Best played with banana power on "hi".

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Klone
25/6/2016 10:52:44 pm

Banana power was so much fun. Between Microprose Soccer and Worms, that's some good retro bananas!

Klone
25/6/2016 10:51:01 pm

Thanks Skynet!

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Vino Vinny
25/6/2016 09:24:03 pm

Having spoken to all of my Kick Off 2 loving mates (of which there are two), it's patently clear that ALL Kick Off fans are Brexit supporters.

It's sad, but not surprising.

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A Cleansing Mist
25/6/2016 10:06:57 pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1anOrh_9Jw4

Here's the angry song Dino wrote when Wikipedia editors told him to stop promoting himself there, ten years ago.

We could be in for some top-class melting down over this one.

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Bruce Flagpole
26/6/2016 12:13:32 am

Mr B,

You should have played my footy game, then this may have seemed more enjoyable in comparison! Kick Off has got better graphics anyway :)

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Euphemia
27/6/2016 06:35:27 am

Does it have a New Game Plus mode?

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Gordon Palsy
27/6/2016 10:49:54 am

Shall not be playing the remake, but many fond memories of getting my arse kicked by my dad on the original kick-off games, before finally improving to the point where the tables were turned. Good times, thanks Dino!

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Aslan
27/6/2016 12:51:48 pm

Q. How much knowledge of human leg joints do football games developers have?
A. Dino Dini.

I just watched his music videos. DAD, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.

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Aslan
27/6/2016 01:21:36 pm

One thing on difficult controls: you can invest hours/days/weeks/months into a game, getting progressively better, learning every nuance, and at the end be rewarded with the grace and elegance that comes with mastery. Or you could play a game where it instantly grants you access to that feeling, yet you can still get better from there.

I'm not 12 any more so no longer have all the time in the world, so the effort required in the former means these games instantly hit my shit filter. The war on dodgy controls has been won; this is a reenactment by middle-aged men, Juventus tops stretched tight over their bellies, biting/pouring/spitting/tapping their ratchet rattles on the field behind Tesco, who should have better things to do.

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jawa
27/6/2016 03:31:56 pm

As a huge fan of the original game on ST and Amiga, I bought the game (£7.99 on PSN) and have played it for an hour.

Yeah, there are a few problems. Presentation and options are incredibly basic and it is odd that there is zero instructions. Passing and set-pieces seem very complicated.

But... It does have that old Kick Off addictiveness and, having finally scored a few goals, I am finding the game fun. To me, it seems that a few more months of development should have taken place prior to release. To give Dini some credit, the launch was amazing: he spent most of Friday running a Twitch live stream, demonstrating the game whilst drinking beer and answering questions live on air. It made for a refreshing change from the usual big business style.

I feel this review is a little mean. There should have been more development before launch, there are problems, and the release should have been delayed, but... for Kick Off fans this could be worth taking a small gamble on, in the hope that Dini is able to issue the updates that he has indicated are underway.

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Vino Vinny
27/6/2016 06:24:17 pm

Dino?

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Aslan
27/6/2016 10:12:56 pm

Dino Dini is actually the bizarro Gino Ginelli.

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Aslan
27/6/2016 10:17:41 pm

FFS, someone did that gag on your new post. Everything dinold is dinew again.

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Chal-na-ne
28/6/2016 08:14:42 am

Jurrasic Park!

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