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REVIEW: BRAINZYME

31/7/2017

27 Comments

 
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DISCLAIMER: Mr Biffo was very tired when he tried Brainzyme, and had a bit of a sore throat, and had experienced a runny bot the week before. 

Given that eating is probably the greatest pleasure in life, I rue the fact I'm not offered more edible items for review. There's a depressing irony in that when I did finally get offered something to eat, it was a flavourless pill of some sort.

Brainzyme was promised to us as a product that is "scientifically proven to support cognition and concentration" and is "perfect for gamers and those who need to focus on games for long periods of time such as pro gamers or games reviewers".

Frankly, such a miracle product couldn't have come at a better time for me. The last couple of months have been relentless work-wise, as I rushed to finish half a dozen work commitments, keep Digitiser2000 afloat, shoot the remaining bits and bobs for Found Footage, and prepare for the finale. As is always the way when you come out the other side of a very full-on period, my energy and adrenaline levels were utterly depleted last week, and then - inevitably - I started to get ill.

What I really needed was some sort of enzyme which promised to help me "get smart" and "get more done" and reduce my tiredness. Step forward Brainzyme.

Saturday morning, my first proper day off in months - with said tiredness in full effect - I knocked back three Brainzyme pills on an empty stomach as instructed, and waited to turn into an all-conquering monster of energy and productivity, with veins popping on my head, as fire erupted from my nostrils, and I solved equations and punched through walls while running through Roget's Thesaurus from memory.

Though to be honest I'd have been happy if I'd just turned into someone who had the energy to pick up a joypad and play a few games for the first time in ages.
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SCIENTIFIC FACTS
According to Brainzyme, the pills "work for most people. Typically within an hour, lasting between 4-6 hours or more. Over 80% of our customer reviews report having better focus, thinking clearer and getting more done. They do work!"

Indeed, the overwhelmingly positive reviews on Brainzyme's own site - always a trusted source, from 100% real people - would seem to back this up. 

"The instantly noticeable effect is it's feels easy to stay calm and focused – I was really able to get all my thoughts beautifully streamlined. And I am making sure I am perfectly water supported."

"There are people I know who go to crazy lengths to go on studying - using all sorts of stimulants to keep going! They end up feeling wired and stressed, and then crash out at the end. BrainZyme offers a safe, natural alternative that does the job!"

"I found this product significantly increased my concentration and my focus. I like this product because it is composed of all natural food supplements and it actually works!"

"非常好的產品,自從使用後,做事更有效率,因為頭腦非常清楚的了解重點在哪,做起事來更能運用時間,推薦給需要動腦的學生或工作者!可以先嘗試看看,相信大家會跟我一樣有驚為天人的感!"


It all sounds very impressive, but the thing you really want to know is... did it work for me?
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PILLS, THRILLS AND BELLYACHES

Of course it didn't. Well, not in any profoundly noticeable sense.

I dunno. Perhaps I wasn't perfectly water supported, or maybe I was too sceptical and cynical to buy into any placebo effect.

​I felt a bit more awake, but no more than if I'd had my regulation morning coffee. However, what did happen over the course of the day was that my bad back got progressively worse, my sore throat failed to go away, and - by the evening - I had stomach cramps, felt sick, and was suffering from diarrhoea. 

Now, I'm not saying that Brainzyme gave me any of these things. I mean, it was likely just a coincidence; in the interests of full scientific disclosure, I had an all-too-appropriate runny bottom on the first day of filming Found Footage last week, and was necking immodium like sweets. The bad back was a consequence of being on my feet for 18 hours for two days straight, and the sore throat had been threatening since before the filming.

Plus, since getting gastritis last year, taking pills on an empty stomach isn't ever a great thing to do, and tends to aggravate the symptoms.

But still... the alleged miracle properties of Brainzyme did nothing to alleviate my many ailments, as far as I could tell. I mean, of course I might've felt worse if I hadn't taken it, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have noticed a difference. Indeed, my other half - someone who loves a good homeopathic supplement - took three pills as well, and even she didn't report any significantly noticeable effect. My brain remained feeling un-alert and tired, and I didn't get out of bed until nearly midday. 

You be the judge; maybe I was just too exhausted for them to work, or maybe they merely have no more of an energy-giving quality than the average cuppa. 

"Have you got the 'zyme on you, cock?"

"No - I've got it on my brain."


That's a real funny joke.

If you would like to purchase Brainzyme, you can find out more at the company's website.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
LET'S PLAY... VIDEO GAME PIONEER - OR MURDERER?
​
THE 10 BEST VIRTUAL REALITY EXPERIENCES YOU CAN HAVE RIGHT NOW!
​
THE FIRST CONSOLE I EVER BOUGHT - BY MR BIFFO​

27 Comments
Gaming Mill link
31/7/2017 09:48:45 am

I'm a sceptic when it comes down to these brain-boosting drugs. A good, balanced diet seems to work a treat for me. That being said, me and a mate overdosed on nutmeg once but I'll keep that one for this Friday's letter.

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Jim Crikey link
31/7/2017 09:51:26 am

"The instantly noticeable effect is it's feels easy to stay calm and focused – I was really able to get all my thoughts beautifully streamlined. And I am making sure I am perfectly water supported."

"​I felt a bit more awake, but no more than if I'd had my regulation morning coffee. However, what did happen over the course of the day was that my bad back got progressively worse, my sore throat failed to go away, and - by the evening - I had stomach cramps, felt sick, and was suffering from diarrhoea."

"The instantly noticeable effect is it's feels easy to stay calm and focused – I was really able to get all my thoughts beautifully streamlined. And I am making sure I am perfectly water supported."

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Reversible Sedgewick
31/7/2017 10:10:04 am

Is it just me, or does something feel 'off' with that scientist in the first image? He seems mostly plausible, but, I dunno... Is it just that he's not wearing a tie?

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Cc
31/7/2017 09:27:46 pm

I dunno, he's got books by him and everything. My gut feeling is he's legit.

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Jol
31/7/2017 10:24:55 am

Am I the only one that thought this was going to be an indie game trying to jump on the Brain Training bandwagon about ten years too late?

Anyhow. I googled these charlatans to see a) what the internet said about them and b) what they said on twitter. It turns out they are based about 10 minutes from my office, so I could always go ask them in person if they have invented the drug from Limitless or if it will just give me the shits.

I don't know what the internet says about them as the only reviews seem to be from their own site (5 stars all round). Their twitter account looks like every other 'lifestyle booster' bollocks you see on the social medias, with pictures of attractive people either doing cool fun things in cool fun places or looking fucking delighted to be doing paper work.

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Nikki
31/7/2017 10:38:32 am

I believe we will be the same as I am scared of the feeling of heaven!

Or maybe that was your problem... are you scared of the feeling of heaven?

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Biscuits
31/7/2017 10:48:03 am

What does it mean to be water supported?

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Dr Jol
31/7/2017 11:05:03 am

Boring answer: it just means hydrated. These pills are basically just jazzed up caffeine pills, which is where most of the brain boosting nonsense comes from, and as we all know caffeine is a diuretic therefore dehydrates you.

Fun answer: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21210031
(I'm really stretching the definition of 'fun' here)

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Biscuits
31/7/2017 11:41:48 am

Aw yis, water-supported organized structures based on wedge-shaped amphiphilic derivatives of dipyrrolyldiketone boron complexes, an all-time classic. I recognized it just from the link

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Steven Smethurst
13/10/2017 04:54:40 pm

Yes there seems to be alot of positive reviews on trustpilot but all the people reviewing them seem to of only done one review with trustpilot which is fishy. Looking at the ingredients they seem to be caffeine (given fancy names) and a few other vitamins you would find in energy drinks or in a multi vitamin tab. Caffeine doesn't really effect me anymore due to having it to much. So I'm very skeptical of these pills working. It would seem you would get the same if not better results from having a multi vitamin tab and a coffee in the morning

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Steeeeve
31/7/2017 11:14:11 am

Is it just me who read through the whole article expecting Brainzyme to be some horrific/hilarious creation from Xenoxxx industries, and felt disappointed when it turned out to be a "real" product that Mr. B had actually reviewed?

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Leigh
31/7/2017 12:56:25 pm

I look forward to Biffo's review of Anuzyme, Brainzyme's sister product that makes your arse work real good.

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Chris
31/7/2017 02:49:03 pm

By the sounds of it, he's already using that.

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Flim-Flam Stan
31/7/2017 01:06:09 pm

These can be considered 'multi-vitamin pills'. There is no specific evidence that 'Brainzyme' is any more (or less) effective than any other multivitamin in what it aims to do. The evidence offered by the company is exclusively limited to:

"...we have relied on pre-existing published science concerning nutrition and cognition, and formulated a vegetarian/vegan certified healthy and natural product that can provide nutritional support to the brain."

and:

"Many of the ingredients we use have already been tested by a 18 member panel of nutritional/scientific experts at EFSA."

Conclusion:
Vitamin pills may or may not improve cognition for the average person.

Not a scam in the truest sense, but cheaper vitamin pills will probably be just as good.

As to whether you should take vitamin pills on the other hand....

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Mrtankthreat
31/7/2017 02:09:42 pm

"Given that eating is probably the greatest pleasure in life"

Is it though? Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good meal from time to time but most of the time I'm just keeping hunger away. If we didn't have to eat to survive I wouldn't do it half as much as I do. So like, I drink water everyday out of necessity and alcohol occasionally for enjoyment. I eat food everyday and occasionally I'll go out for a really nice meal. If I didn't have to eat or drink to survive I would have alcohol more often than a nice meal. Certainly preparing food is an outright chore and any "pleasure" I get from eating it barely compensates if at all. Whatever happened to those meals in a pill Tomorrow's World promised us?

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Biscuits
31/7/2017 03:25:12 pm

Eating is probably top 3 for me, it's really good.

I asked someone what their favourite food was once and they said mozzarella sticks from Iceland. I can't imagine how unremittingly bleak that existence must be

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Spiney O'Sullivan
31/7/2017 06:47:40 pm

Eating is probably the most fun you can have with your clothes on.

Unless all your clothes are so covered in gravy stains and crumbs that you've basically given up on them altogether. Which happened to some people I know who are definitely not me.

Spiney O'Sullivan
31/7/2017 02:10:39 pm

This reminds me of GamerFood, a mid-00s attempt to sell tarted-up junk food to gamers by essentially coating Bombay mix in taurine, caffeine and ginseng.

Sadly it's now stopped production, perhaps because it turns out that selling junk food to gamers wasn't actually a gap in the market. That market was nearly as saturated as my hilarious T-shirt identifying me as a true gamer is with all this Cheetos grease.

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Treacle
31/7/2017 03:00:17 pm

I suppose the worry that your next fart could end up running down your inside leg is the sort of thing that helps focus the mind.

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Norman
31/7/2017 04:52:51 pm

Just buy some modafinil for the real deal

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PS1Snake
31/7/2017 05:04:06 pm

It's a crying shame that this miracle pill isn't vegan-friendly.

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Kelvin Green link
31/7/2017 06:57:34 pm

Mr PSB is going to love this.

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David W
31/7/2017 10:47:35 pm

He's very water supported.

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Shish link
2/8/2017 02:00:25 am

Looks like they're going to have tweaked the recipe quite a bit over the next 30 years :) http://deusex.wikia.com/wiki/Zyme

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ChorltonWheelie
2/8/2017 10:51:28 am

If it worked it would be banned: see Amphetamine Sulphate

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Zack link
4/8/2017 04:52:26 pm

Hi Paul! I'm really sorry you didn't feel much of an effect - the vast majority of our customers do (as you can see from our Trustpilot page here: https://uk.trustpilot.com/review/brainzyme.com ).

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Robert
4/8/2017 08:30:57 pm

Thanks for the review. So you felt the Brainzyme pills- they had an effect-but at the same time you were not feeling well? It seems some of the comments are sayings its like a multi-vitamin with gurana/caffeine - about a cup of coffee's worth.

I checked out the link you posted - their website states £8 for 30 - so it works out at 53p for a cup of coffee's worth, with some b vits in there too.

So, is this like a coffee pill with vitamins? I can't tell if it is a 'proper' pre-made nootropic or a proplus/vitamin combo?
PS thanks for the funny stuff!

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