Given that eating is probably the greatest pleasure in life, I rue the fact I'm not offered more edible items for review. There's a depressing irony in that when I did finally get offered something to eat, it was a flavourless pill of some sort.
Brainzyme was promised to us as a product that is "scientifically proven to support cognition and concentration" and is "perfect for gamers and those who need to focus on games for long periods of time such as pro gamers or games reviewers".
Frankly, such a miracle product couldn't have come at a better time for me. The last couple of months have been relentless work-wise, as I rushed to finish half a dozen work commitments, keep Digitiser2000 afloat, shoot the remaining bits and bobs for Found Footage, and prepare for the finale. As is always the way when you come out the other side of a very full-on period, my energy and adrenaline levels were utterly depleted last week, and then - inevitably - I started to get ill.
What I really needed was some sort of enzyme which promised to help me "get smart" and "get more done" and reduce my tiredness. Step forward Brainzyme.
Saturday morning, my first proper day off in months - with said tiredness in full effect - I knocked back three Brainzyme pills on an empty stomach as instructed, and waited to turn into an all-conquering monster of energy and productivity, with veins popping on my head, as fire erupted from my nostrils, and I solved equations and punched through walls while running through Roget's Thesaurus from memory.
Though to be honest I'd have been happy if I'd just turned into someone who had the energy to pick up a joypad and play a few games for the first time in ages.
According to Brainzyme, the pills "work for most people. Typically within an hour, lasting between 4-6 hours or more. Over 80% of our customer reviews report having better focus, thinking clearer and getting more done. They do work!"
Indeed, the overwhelmingly positive reviews on Brainzyme's own site - always a trusted source, from 100% real people - would seem to back this up.
"The instantly noticeable effect is it's feels easy to stay calm and focused – I was really able to get all my thoughts beautifully streamlined. And I am making sure I am perfectly water supported."
"There are people I know who go to crazy lengths to go on studying - using all sorts of stimulants to keep going! They end up feeling wired and stressed, and then crash out at the end. BrainZyme offers a safe, natural alternative that does the job!"
"I found this product significantly increased my concentration and my focus. I like this product because it is composed of all natural food supplements and it actually works!"
It all sounds very impressive, but the thing you really want to know is... did it work for me?
PILLS, THRILLS AND BELLYACHES
Of course it didn't. Well, not in any profoundly noticeable sense.
I dunno. Perhaps I wasn't perfectly water supported, or maybe I was too sceptical and cynical to buy into any placebo effect.
I felt a bit more awake, but no more than if I'd had my regulation morning coffee. However, what did happen over the course of the day was that my bad back got progressively worse, my sore throat failed to go away, and - by the evening - I had stomach cramps, felt sick, and was suffering from diarrhoea.
Now, I'm not saying that Brainzyme gave me any of these things. I mean, it was likely just a coincidence; in the interests of full scientific disclosure, I had an all-too-appropriate runny bottom on the first day of filming Found Footage last week, and was necking immodium like sweets. The bad back was a consequence of being on my feet for 18 hours for two days straight, and the sore throat had been threatening since before the filming.
Plus, since getting gastritis last year, taking pills on an empty stomach isn't ever a great thing to do, and tends to aggravate the symptoms.
But still... the alleged miracle properties of Brainzyme did nothing to alleviate my many ailments, as far as I could tell. I mean, of course I might've felt worse if I hadn't taken it, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have noticed a difference. Indeed, my other half - someone who loves a good homeopathic supplement - took three pills as well, and even she didn't report any significantly noticeable effect. My brain remained feeling un-alert and tired, and I didn't get out of bed until nearly midday.
You be the judge; maybe I was just too exhausted for them to work, or maybe they merely have no more of an energy-giving quality than the average cuppa.
"Have you got the 'zyme on you, cock?"
"No - I've got it on my brain."
That's a real funny joke.
If you would like to purchase Brainzyme, you can find out more at the company's website.