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REVIEW: BATTLEBORN (PS4, Xbox One, PC - PS4 VERSION TESTED)

25/5/2016

18 Comments

 
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Cartoons aren't what they were. Back in the day they simply existed to sell toys... which was fine with me. 

Remember that 80s show, 'S.T.R.I.N.G. Cops'? It stood for 'String Theory Running INvestigation Group (Cops)'. It was about a breakaway division of the police, that was obsessed with string theory: Sergeant Rope, Lieutenant Cord, and Billy Twine - the 12 year-old physics whizz.

They'd travel the country in their special van arresting crooked professors who were teaching an erroneous version of string theory, and looking into string theory-related mysteries.

In the episode The Curious Case of the String Theory Ghost, the gang camped out at a university where a poltergeist was rubbing quantum theory equations off the blackboards, and filling the faculty lounge with pictures of the Austrian physicist Ludwig Boltzmann.

The team was based in the Hertfordshire market town of String (Tring), their favourite musical artist was String (Sting) - who also provided the show's theme tune - and at the end of every episode, Billy Twine would make another hilarious, string-related pun; "Another successful stringvestigation!" or "Careful, professor - talking like that is going to make everyone think you're stringsecure!".

​And so on.
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SORRY... WHAT?
​What does it have to do with Battleborn?

It has nothing to do with Battleborn.

Well, except that Battleborn eschews the usual cutscene tropes for a hand-drawn animation style, and chunky, action figure-friendly graphics.

The joy of this site being my own personal blog is that I can write whatever garbage I like. Consequently, it's fine, probably, if I can't really be bothered to do a review of something. I've been trying to write this piece since the weekend, and honestly can't muster much enthusiasm. Still, I'll soldier on.


Battleborn is this: a first-person shooter, mixed with a MOBA - which I have come to understand means "multiplayer online battle arena". DOTA 2, League of Legends, and the new Overwatch (if I can ever get the thing installed...) are all MOBAs.

People who like these sorts of games are known as "MOBA dicks", perhaps.


HOW IT WORKS, PLZ?
Here's how Battleborn works: you pick a character from a roster of 25 (each of whom has their own weapons and special moves - some more equipped for close-up combat, others better at sniping from a distance - and you'll get your abilities upgraded pretty swiftly). Then you head into the game along with four other players. And you do some shooting and that.

There's a co-op campaign, and a bunch of head-to-head modes. And... yeah. It's good. I mean, certainly above average. Like a sort of brightly-coloured cartoon Destiny, or an interactive Cartoon Network show. The sort of thing, if it was on in the 80s, that would indeed have had its own line of action figures.

However, what I didn't understand about the game was this: when you sign into the story mode, the players you get matchmade with all vote on which mission to undertake. Which means you'll end up playing the same missions more than once... and potentially never see everything the game has to offer. Which is just baffling.

​Also: no checkpoints. If your squad fails in its mission - either you all die, or the objective you're defending gets destroyed - it's all over. Given that missions can last half an hour or more, this is a big pain in the cracksie.

ULTIMATE WHAT?
Ultimately, this: there's lot to like about Battleborn. It's characterful, surprisingly visceral with its combat, and there's nice variety. It's just not essential.

So, y'know, I'm sorry if this review is a bit light on details. It's just... how many times can I write, and you read, another description of how most first-person shooting games work? That's not Battleborn's fault. At least they were trying to do something a bit different.

You know: like that episode of S.T.R.I.N.G. Cops, where they had a crossover with G.L.U.T.E.N. Force - the cartoon about a secret government task force investigating gluten-related mysteries. The best bit was when Sergeant Rope got trapped in a sinking submersible particle accelerator with Agent Barley, as it started to fill with yeast. 

Thankfully, they managed to combine their respective areas of expertise to formulate an escape - drawing parallels with the way gluten acts as the glue which holds food together, and the way one-dimensional strings propagate throughout space. "Stringcredible!"

SUMMARY: Basically, fine.
SCORE: String strings out of string.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
A GALLERY OF UTTERLY INSANE COLOURING BOOKS
14 JAW-DROPPINGLY TERRIBLE SELF-PUBLISHED BOOKS
32 BIZARRE AFRICAN MOVIE POSTERS
10 THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT BEES

18 Comments
Dangerous Dave
25/5/2016 10:01:49 am

Sounds like a load of string to me.

Reply
Chris
25/5/2016 10:18:26 am

Interestring.

Reply
Paul-Oh!
25/5/2016 11:06:05 am

Sorry to twine (whine) but cord (could) you knot (not) of tied (tried) a bit harder on this string (thing)? I say this be shoelacey (review lazy).

STRING STRING STRINGSTRINNNNNNNNG.

Reply
Wicked Eric
25/5/2016 11:30:50 am

Money for old rope (rope made out of string).

Reply
RG
25/5/2016 12:26:47 pm

Is this a good pun? I'm a frayed knot...

Reply
Col. Asdasd
25/5/2016 12:53:13 pm

I feel a bit sorry for Gearbox, which is a funny thing to say of a studio with some pretty egregious blots on their track record (Colonial Marines anyone?) and a penchant for writing that rubs me up like a sandpaper handie.

They've clearly poured a lot of money and effort into this game, and by all accounts it's no lemon.. but I've read two or three reviews in this vein, where the reviewer really seems to be struggling to summon up the enthusiasm to say, well, anything about it - good or bad.

(Which is fair enough Biffster. Not pulling you up on this - it definitely helps convey the underwhelming feeling of the game.)

Then there's the coincidental release with Overwatch - which is, superficially at least, a very similar game, but thanks to a sprinkling of that unknowable Blizzard pixie dust has enjoyed less of a collective shrug from Gaming At Large, and more of an irrepressible hype tsunami.

Strategically, Epic have clearly made a blunder here. It's already a fact of history: nobody's talking about Battleborn at all, now, and it's a scant couple of weeks into its jaundiced existence. But if you're working for the studio, you're surely looking at the front page of twitch and wondering, 'why them and not us?'

Presumably if they'd been a bit more ambitious they'd not be in this position. But what does that mean, really? Like any talented and committed group of professionals, I'm sure they threw everything they had into this project. They must have felt they'd anticipated the industry wave - MOBA + FPS = TEH FUTURE, right?

And yet they couldn't catch it. Instead they're washed up on the beach, their keks around their ankles, and Blizzard is splashing surf into their eyes as they crest past in the eye of the halfpipe, or whatever it is a successful surfer would do in this analogy, to the adulation of the crowd. (There are crowds who watch surfers when they surf, right?)

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Mr Biffo
25/5/2016 12:56:01 pm

Funnily enough... I'm writing something on this very topic.

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Col. Asdasd
25/5/2016 01:10:10 pm

I look forward to your article on correct surfing terminology with billa'd bongs.

Spiney O'Sullivan
25/5/2016 02:30:53 pm

I own Duke Nukem Forever. No sympathy from me.

Reply
Col. Asdasd
25/5/2016 02:38:17 pm

Oh Duke. What have they done to you.

It's not so much that I sympathise with them specifically - like I said, there's a lot about Gearbox I don't like. More that I can sympathise with their position, in this case at least.

Spiney O'Sullivan
25/5/2016 08:50:12 pm

On the bright side, since nobody actually cared about Battleborn to start with and it was barely advertised, nobody's going to claim that they were misled this time. By Gearbox PR standards, this will be a serious win.

RG
25/5/2016 02:47:14 pm

I'm not sure Epic have made any kind of blunder here, though I'm sure they'll be watching with interest for when they release Paragon (3rd person, but similar idea). As will their former employee Cliff Bleszinski when he releases LawBreakers - similar again.

I'm not sure there's enough market to support all of these MOBA shooters. Perhaps Paragon and LawBreakers will do OK being free to play...

Reply
Col. Asdasd
25/5/2016 03:01:02 pm

Whoops - I meant Gearbox, not Epic. Kind of proves your point about the similarity of all these games.

RG
25/5/2016 03:50:48 pm

I'm sure when they all started development they didn't realise that others were doing similar. They night be very different - I won't find out as they're not my cup of tea...

From what I've seen, they all seem a bit like a cross between TF2 and Dota 2. With the free to play style enhancements (purchasable characters, weapons, costumes and perks) but without being free to play. In fact being quite expensive. And they seem like if you're not in from the start and can't invest much time - you'll struggle...

CrispyFloyd
25/5/2016 02:16:38 pm

I think I enjoyed the story about STRING Cops much more than I could ever hope to enjoy The Battle born.
Although I'm the last person to be commenting on a game which requires the player to be both "online" and to "interact" with other players. Because I'm incredibly antisocial and hate all aspects of online play.
Apart from when I went out and subscribes to Xbox live gold for a month so someone could help me beat Ornstein and Smurrrrgh in Dark Souls. Other than that, online interactions can jump off my boat into the seething sulphuric waters on which it drifts.

Reply
Retro Resolution link
25/5/2016 06:24:11 pm

S.T.R.I.N.G cops ftw - Mr. B you have elevated yourself impossibly higher in my estimation with this joyous introductory gambit to your article.

I'd doff my cap and tug my forelock to you, but neither gesture would suffice as a display of admiration or respect.

Reply
neil
25/5/2016 09:36:01 pm

S.T.R.I.N.G Cops sounded all too realistic until you mentioned it being set in Tring , then I knew it was made up. Nothing good like a cartoon could b set in Tring.

Reply
Seano
26/5/2016 08:54:27 pm

MOBA dicks. Tee hee!

Reply



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