And morning soup can be avoided if you take a route straight through what is known as
Bruce's got brewers droop, he gets intimidated by the dirty pigeons - they love a bit of it
And so on, and so forth.
Did you like that? It was a special song we wrote, and it wasn't even based on any existing songs, because we're well good songwriters, and always totally original. We wrote it to celebrate the launch of Arkham Knight - allegedly the concluding instalment of the mostly-loved Batman/Arkham series. This is a review of that game, in case you were wondering.
Well done, idiots. You've ruined it for everyone.
Actually, no. They've not ruined it. But... well... Broadly speaking, Arkham Knight plays exactly like all the other Arkham games.
There are refinements, naturally, and the odd new move and gadget, but it's the exactly same mix as all the others: punching, and swooping, and some detective bits, and lots of map-mopping to tick every last thing off. You hide in grates on the floor, and hang out on gargoyles, and scare people, and drop smoke bombs.
But the big headline here is that, yes, you can ride the Batmobile around Gotham. Actually, there's no 'can' about it: you have to drive the Batmobile.
As well as the inevitable in-car combat sections that this introduces (usually against unmanned drones, of course), there are puzzles (lots of puzzles) that can only be solved through use of the Batmobile. In much the same way as there are other sections where you can switch between Batman and his allies, you can also remotely control his car.
There's lots to like about the Batmobile, most of it the moments where you get to drop into the seat from on high, or eject yourself out of it at speed. Unfortunately, there's lots not to like as well: the handling is fiddly (despite the inclusion of a sort of precision-control system), and you'll howl like a mourning wolf at the number of times you fall off a roof or narrow bridge while trying to reach an area that's otherwise inaccessible.
The Batmobile is not a parkour man (it is a vehicle), so why did they try to turn it into one?
And the bottom line is this: getting around Gotham was always fun enough through the use of Batman's cape and grappling hook. The driving is too chaotic to rival that - you feel out of control when behind the wheel, and Arkham has always been a series where control is delivered in adrenal bursts of euphoria.
Where Arkham Knight excels is where the series has always excelled: in its presentation. Sandbox Gotham has never looked more gloriously gothic-y - opening it up to accommodate the Batmobile has helped in that respect.
The city remains deserted - never does it quite feel like a real place (though the lack of civilians is explained in the plot) - but there's a wonderful consistency with design work, and the atmosphere. As there has always been.
The only shame in this respect is something that's been there since the start of the franchise: so much of the game has to be played through Batman's neon, wireframe, Detective Mode that you don't always get to appreciate the level of design work that's gone into it. Sometimes - and it has always rankled with us - it looks more like a Tron game than a Batman one.
Also, while its story might be slight (and the main mystery a bit of an anticlimax), its story-telling is sublime: you never get lost in the usual map-mopping that sandbox games often present you with, and the transitions from gameplay to cinematics are flawless. The gradual disintegration of (spoilers!) Batman's psyche is handled beautifully (in short: he's a mental). The script might be clunky and cliche-ridden, but it never outstays its welcome.
The structure is close to perfect, and what we really appreciated is that it never forgot it was a game: theres no attempt to present this as a movie. It revels in its medium without piling on the cutscenes.
If you're a fan of the Arkham series this is, unquestionably, a must-buy. But - thanks to what's new - it doesn't quite live up to the series high point of Arkham City, despite looking better, and (for the most part) playing better, and generally being smarter. It isn't a massive leap forward - the car, ironically, holds it back and gets in the way of doing more of what we loved - but it feels completely consistent with its forebears.
That's probably what you want, isn't it? You don't go and see Fast and Furious 7 expecting a kitchen sink drama starring anthropomorphic aubergines.
SUMMARY: More of the Arkham franchise then. Now with a wonky car.
SCORE: 87mg of anti-psychotic drugs out of 100mg.