Modern kids love their aubergines. For what other reason would this purple fruit - known almost everywhere but Britain and France as the so-called "eggplant" - be appended to so many of their text messages, by way of an aubergine "emoji"? What emotion or message could this pictogram possibly convey?
Why... nothing less than "More aubergines, please!".
And yet, somehow, we have discovered - following a lengthy Digitiser2000 investigation - that not a single major video game released last year featured this swollen nightshade, with its skin so smooth, tinged like a mulberry bruise.
In fact, none of these games even featured the actor Earnest Borgnine, whose name is an anagram of aubergine, probably.
Read on for the conclusive, shocking evidence.
Why... nothing less than "More aubergines, please!".
And yet, somehow, we have discovered - following a lengthy Digitiser2000 investigation - that not a single major video game released last year featured this swollen nightshade, with its skin so smooth, tinged like a mulberry bruise.
In fact, none of these games even featured the actor Earnest Borgnine, whose name is an anagram of aubergine, probably.
Read on for the conclusive, shocking evidence.
HORIZON: ZERO DAWN
Doubtlessly one of the finest-looking video games of all time, Horizon Zero Dawn is set in the far future, where robotic dinosaurs wander through forests, deserts, and the ruins of our civilisation. And yet, it would appear that the humble aubergine - known in the American south as the "mad-apple" or "guinea squash" - has been rendered extinct in this speculative post-apocalypse.
How much more effective would this adventure have been had the main character, Allo Allo, or Apex, or whatever she was called, paused occasionally to munch on a delicious aubergine?
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
How much more effective would this adventure have been had the main character, Allo Allo, or Apex, or whatever she was called, paused occasionally to munch on a delicious aubergine?
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
ASSASSIN'S CREED: ORIGINS
There is no documented evidence of the aubergine in Britain until 1597, when it is mentioned in an English botany record: "This plant groweth in Egypt almost everywhere... bringing forth fruit of the bigness of a great cucumber.... We have had the same in our London gardens, where it hath borne flowers, but the winter approaching before the time of ripening, it perished: nothwithstanding it came to bear fruit of the bigness of a goose egg one extraordinary temperate year... but never to the full ripeness"
Yes: the aubergine is documented as "groweth in Egypt almost everywhere". Assassin's Creed: Origins is set in Ancient Egypt. Did we see a single aubergine groweth-ing anywhere in the game? Were there side-missions in which you were required to harvest aubergines from the side of pyramids, or a character who was addicted to the bitter, inflamed, flesh of the amethyst-hued berry?
What do you think?
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
Yes: the aubergine is documented as "groweth in Egypt almost everywhere". Assassin's Creed: Origins is set in Ancient Egypt. Did we see a single aubergine groweth-ing anywhere in the game? Were there side-missions in which you were required to harvest aubergines from the side of pyramids, or a character who was addicted to the bitter, inflamed, flesh of the amethyst-hued berry?
What do you think?
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: BREATH OF THE WILD
If any game had an opportunity to feature the aubergine, it would've been Breath of the Wild - with its bizarre focus on mixing various ingredients into a variety of harmless and harmful recipes. Though many real-world plants exist in the game - acorns, apples - there features not a single aubergine.
Yes, the game originated in Japan - a weird place - but that's no excuse. Did you know that there's a Japanese comedian called Nasubi - who takes his name from the Japanese word for aubergine? This was, apparently, chosen "due to his 30 cm long face shaped like a Japanese eggplant".
According to Wikipedia.
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
Yes, the game originated in Japan - a weird place - but that's no excuse. Did you know that there's a Japanese comedian called Nasubi - who takes his name from the Japanese word for aubergine? This was, apparently, chosen "due to his 30 cm long face shaped like a Japanese eggplant".
According to Wikipedia.
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
CALL OF DUTY WW2
Admittedly, rationing during the Second World War ensured that aubergines were off the menu for most British people. Furthermore, due to their unusual size and shape, it would have been impractical for soldiers to carry aubergines into battle. Therefore, it seems that a game set during World War 2 would have few opportunities to feature aubergines.
However... in the course of writing this article, a news story from late-2017 was discovered which might've pointed the way. A German pensioner called police after discovering what he believed to be an unexploded bomb in his back garden. Upon arrival, bomb squad officers soon realised that the "UXB" was in fact a large courgette.
"The vegetable, which was very dark in colour, weighed about 5 kilograms. Police believe someone threw it over a hedge into the garden."
Inevitably, Call of Duty WW2 failed to feature a sequence in which the player must defuse what they believe is a live enemy shell, only to discover it's actually a massive aubergine.
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
However... in the course of writing this article, a news story from late-2017 was discovered which might've pointed the way. A German pensioner called police after discovering what he believed to be an unexploded bomb in his back garden. Upon arrival, bomb squad officers soon realised that the "UXB" was in fact a large courgette.
"The vegetable, which was very dark in colour, weighed about 5 kilograms. Police believe someone threw it over a hedge into the garden."
Inevitably, Call of Duty WW2 failed to feature a sequence in which the player must defuse what they believe is a live enemy shell, only to discover it's actually a massive aubergine.
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
STAR WARS BATTLEFRONT 2
We know little about the eating habits in that Galaxy Far Far Away. Yes, we know about blue milk, green milk (best consumed straight from the breast), and the sausage things that Luke Skywalker eats on Dagobah, and that dehydrated bread stuff Rey makes, but does anybody eat aubergines?
We've not yet had on-screen confirmation, but Battlefront 2 was a wasted opportunity to expand the Star Wars universe by having, say, Kylo Ren stuff a massive aubergine in his funny mouth, before rubbing his tummy and saying something like "Mmm... that was a nice aubergine".
Although, this being Star Wars it would've probably been called something like aub-o-genis, or aubington, or whatever, and they would've had Luke Skywalker pulling one out of an alien's hysterectomy scar before putting it in a sandwich, and licking his (own) hairy lips.
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
We've not yet had on-screen confirmation, but Battlefront 2 was a wasted opportunity to expand the Star Wars universe by having, say, Kylo Ren stuff a massive aubergine in his funny mouth, before rubbing his tummy and saying something like "Mmm... that was a nice aubergine".
Although, this being Star Wars it would've probably been called something like aub-o-genis, or aubington, or whatever, and they would've had Luke Skywalker pulling one out of an alien's hysterectomy scar before putting it in a sandwich, and licking his (own) hairy lips.
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
DESTINY 2
Do you remember when Destiny came out and they released an awful song for it by Paul "Wings" McCartney? Destiny 2 didn't have a song to go with it, so that was a bit of a shame. It also didn't have any aubergines in it.
If only it had featured the following (sung to the tune of the Ulysses-31 theme):
Aubergine, Aubergine,
Soaring through all the galaxies,
In search of Earth,
Flying in to the night.
Aubergine, Aubergine,
Fighting evil and tyranny,
With all its power,
And with all of its might.
Aubergi-i-i-ine, no-one else can do the things you do.
Auberg-i-i-iine, like a bolt of thunder from the blue.
Aubergine, always fighting all the evil forces bringing peace and justice to all.
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
If only it had featured the following (sung to the tune of the Ulysses-31 theme):
Aubergine, Aubergine,
Soaring through all the galaxies,
In search of Earth,
Flying in to the night.
Aubergine, Aubergine,
Fighting evil and tyranny,
With all its power,
And with all of its might.
Aubergi-i-i-ine, no-one else can do the things you do.
Auberg-i-i-iine, like a bolt of thunder from the blue.
Aubergine, always fighting all the evil forces bringing peace and justice to all.
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
SUPER MARIO ODYSSEY
Did you know that there was an enemy in the Mario franchise called Eggplant Man? They featured in the little-known NES title Wrecking Crew, which featured Mario as the protagonist. They later pop up in Wario Ware: Twisted, and as a trophy in Smash Bros. Melee and Chibi-Robo. There are also Eggplant Warriors - somewhat different to the Eggplant Men - featured in Wario Land 4.
Students of Mario will also be aware that the series features a type of flower known as the egg-plant (not eggplants), which typically spit out Yoshi Eggs. Though seemingly a different species to the aubergine we are familiar with, here was an opportunity to feature an egg-plant more in accordance with the one that we, in our reality, know about.
Surely, the past-celebrating Super Mario Odyssey, a consolidation of all that has made the Mario series so revered, would've seen some sort of return for an aubergine-themed antagonist?
Of course not. Instead, it just featured the usual mushrooms and all that bollocks.
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
Students of Mario will also be aware that the series features a type of flower known as the egg-plant (not eggplants), which typically spit out Yoshi Eggs. Though seemingly a different species to the aubergine we are familiar with, here was an opportunity to feature an egg-plant more in accordance with the one that we, in our reality, know about.
Surely, the past-celebrating Super Mario Odyssey, a consolidation of all that has made the Mario series so revered, would've seen some sort of return for an aubergine-themed antagonist?
Of course not. Instead, it just featured the usual mushrooms and all that bollocks.
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
WOLFENSTEIN 2: THE NEW COLOSSUS
Set in an alternate version of America, after the Nazis won World War 2, you wouldn't expect Wolfenstein 2: The New Colossus to feature much of an opportunity for aubergines, but you would be wrong. An older, senile, incontinent version of Adolf Hitler appears in the game, and as history records Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian.
A cut-scene featuring Hitler eating an aubergine, or replacing his missing testicle with an aubergine, would've not only enlivened the game considerably - and made a nice change from all those levels where you wander around a big submarine wondering what you're meant to be doing - it would've seemingly had some basis in historical authenticity.
Unfortunately, it is unknown if Hitler ever ate an aubergine.
Indeed, a quick Google merely threw up a Yahoo Answers thread in relation to the question: "Did Adolf Hitler Like Eggplant?". Answers included:
Perhaps this is why the makers of Wolfenstein 2 chose to stay away from this hot topic, given that there is no concrete evidence either way. Disappointing nonetheless.
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
A cut-scene featuring Hitler eating an aubergine, or replacing his missing testicle with an aubergine, would've not only enlivened the game considerably - and made a nice change from all those levels where you wander around a big submarine wondering what you're meant to be doing - it would've seemingly had some basis in historical authenticity.
Unfortunately, it is unknown if Hitler ever ate an aubergine.
Indeed, a quick Google merely threw up a Yahoo Answers thread in relation to the question: "Did Adolf Hitler Like Eggplant?". Answers included:
- "Hitler has only been in the news for his murders. They never told us what he liked, so we will never know what he liked, whether it included eggplant, or not. The only thing we know he liked is murder."
- "doesn't matter the a-hole tried to take over the world, killed a bunch of innocent people,and he gave Germany a bad name."
- "Ask Adolf Hitler. Im not him. Do you like eggplant? Only you and your friends know."
- "Hard to Say... But He SURE Acted like One !! ;)"
- "Only on another mans butt"
Perhaps this is why the makers of Wolfenstein 2 chose to stay away from this hot topic, given that there is no concrete evidence either way. Disappointing nonetheless.
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
PLAYERUNKNOWN'S BATTLEGROUNDS
Playerunknown's Battlegrounds is something of a phenomenon, a massive online shoot 'em up, which features not a single aubergine. Astonishing.
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
TOM CLANCY'S GHOST RECON: WILDLANDS
In Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon: Wildlands, players assume the role of an elite soldier, as he attempts to bring down a Bolivian drug cartel.
Interestingly, Tom Clancy himself has a bit of form when it comes to aubergines. His book, Tom Clancy's Under Fire, features a scene in which a character prepares a dish of "Persian eggplant stew". In Tom Clancy's True Faith and Allegiance a character offers up an "eggplant parmigiana".
Neither of these recipes have yet to be discovered in any of UbiSoft's Tom Clancy games, which suggests - shockingly - that Clancy had little to do with their development. The main character isn't even called Aubrey - which would've been a great shout-out - an Easter eggplant, if you will - to all the aubergineheads out there.
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
Interestingly, Tom Clancy himself has a bit of form when it comes to aubergines. His book, Tom Clancy's Under Fire, features a scene in which a character prepares a dish of "Persian eggplant stew". In Tom Clancy's True Faith and Allegiance a character offers up an "eggplant parmigiana".
Neither of these recipes have yet to be discovered in any of UbiSoft's Tom Clancy games, which suggests - shockingly - that Clancy had little to do with their development. The main character isn't even called Aubrey - which would've been a great shout-out - an Easter eggplant, if you will - to all the aubergineheads out there.
AUBERGINE COUNT: 0
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